Sunday, September 30, 2012

dear friend too

after almost a year of waiting ever since i read the book, i finally got to see the movie for the perks of being a wallflower.

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the movie always ends differently from the book and i anticipated that the movie would be depressing.  surprisingly, a lot of people came to see it.   maybe because it's been a while since we saw a movie come out featuring Emma Watson (yes, Hermione Granger in the Harry Potter series) or maybe because, based on the trailer, a lot of people thought they didn't fit in and could relate to Charlie.

i liked the songs they used, i liked how unlike the book, the movie is lighter.  the book was very depressing and serious that somehow, while reading it, i wanted to slash my wrists.  there was a time in my life when i couldn't speak to anyone and all i had was my writing.

the movie is remarkable and i'm so happy i finally saw it.  it was worth waiting for.

Thursday, September 27, 2012

now, this one is red

so earlier today, i decided i was going to cry my eyes out because of my frustration.  i was frustrated about where my life was heading, i was frustrated with you, i was frustrated with the problems my parents left me with.  i felt so helpless i took the advantage of the opportunity to cry in the office while my companions weren't around yet.  i spent about twelve minutes, at least, just pitying myself, crying my eyes out and blowing my nose.  the weird part about it is that, i'm wearing red and red is supposed to be a happy color for people in other jurisdictions.   unfortunately, it is not mine.


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top:  Marks and Spencer
skirt:  an old store called Anonymous
shoes:  Charles and Keith

thankfully, i have a roommate/colleague who likes to indulge me when i have "girl days" and she takes pictures of me when i'm wearing a dress so i can post them.  proof that i'm exerting effort on trying to be a little more feminine.  that really cheered me up.

you wouldn't notice from this picture that i was crying hours earlier, would you?  all you see is me trying hard to hold my stomach in.  

pencil sharpener

it's amazing how such a simple office tool can bring a smile to my face.

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 our encounters are brief but you make my day a little happier.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

it's not red, it's maroon

does this look red to you?

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dress: i forgot, but i got it relatively cheap from the mall
shoes:  Charles and Keith

Sunday, September 23, 2012

we all want our Ruby Sparks to come to life

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i always say this line, "i am not here, i am just a figment of your wild imagination".

Ruby Sparks is the story of Calvin Weir-Fields, a young novelist who came up with a successful novel when he was 19 but is currently experiencing a writer's block.  his therapist gives him an assignment to write a paper about someone who likes his dog, Scotty.  he dreams up a young woman who likes the dog and draws a picture of  Scotty.  that young woman becomes the protagonist of his new novel, and her name is Ruby Sparks.  she comes to life in his living room and at first he doesn't believe it until he notices that even his brother Harry can see her.

there was a part where it felt really creepy, like when he was typing stuff to make Ruby do things.  it's weird how when we meet the girl/boy of our dreams, we try to change them. she grew apart from him and he just wanted to hold on to that.  she was there the whole time but instead of enjoying every minute he had with her, he took her for granted.

while i really appreciated the movie and its approach to relationships,  what with all of us wanting to conjure up our own ideal boyfriends or girlfriends, i didn't appreciate how it ended.  so he writes a book of fiction which ends up being this best-selling novel after his hiatus. suddenly he meets Ruby again. but what about the people from his family who already met her, while she, on the other hand, has no recollection that the relationship ever happened?  life imitates fiction.  then fiction becomes life.  and then what?

i want my Dexter, my Bones, somebody to come to life for me.  but if they don't end up being the one i wanted, i hope i don't push them away.

i wish i could end this better but stranger things have happened.

Friday, September 21, 2012

i pulled it off

i've been wanting to wear this dress ever since i got it but i couldn't find the shoes for it.

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dress: Mango
shoes:  Charles and Keith

it makes me look thin, doesn't it?  i wish the shoes were a little bit higher but i already had trouble walking as it is.  not bad, if i should say so myself.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

yes, Adam, for you i would miss work

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 yep, i don't mind missing work for that.

i really didn't want to miss work. but i missed them the first time they were here and i did say that i was going to try to watch more gigs and go out more. so we went to see Adam Levine and the rest of Maroon 5 (i promised myself that after tonight, i was going to make myself more familiar with the other band members' names and some of their newer hits) perform at the Smart Araneta Coliseum.

 i was scared that for this tour they would limit their set list to songs that are only from the new album and my favorite song came from their first album, Songs About Jane, back when they were just starting. i first heard Harder to Breathe from NU107, in 2002. they weren't the very famous pop band that they are now, and i kinda pride myself for being one of the first few who knew them before everybody else. thankfully, this is a Greatest Hits tour, and this is their set list:

Payphone
Don’t Stop Til You Get Enough (Michael Jackson cover)
Makes Me Wonder
Lucky Strike
Sunday Morning
If I Never See Your Face Again
Wipe Your Eyes
Won’t Go Home Without You
Harder To Breathe
Wake Up Call
One More Night
Hand’s All Over
Misery
This Love
Don’t Forget Me

Seven Nations Army
She Will Be Loved (acoustic)
Stereo Hearts
Daylight
Don't You Want Me
Sexy Back (with Gangnam style)
Moves Like Jagger

we had good seats (minus the legroom), we weren't too close and not too far from the stage. we were surrounded by kids who couldn't even afford to buy their own tickets.  i felt so old.   the Coliseum was so packed i was afraid i was going to faint.  and then the girls started screaming.  i thought the show was going to start on time.  and then this band called The Cab comes out.  the girls started screaming some more and singing along and me and my friends were just sitting there, wondering who these kids were.

i AM getting old.

i didn't really like them and it's not just because i was old.  as my friend remarked, he wasn't a big fan of Linkin Park, but at least Chester knew how to sing.  these kids, they were forgettable.  sorry.

we wait for another hour or so for Maroon 5 after The Cab step out and when they did, it was worth the wait.

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i thought there were times that the transition in between songs weren't so fluid but then i may have been deaf because of all the screaming.  at one point, when Adam was singing "Every night you cry yourself to sleep thinking: "Why does this happen to me? Why does every moment have to be so hard?", i was teary-eyed and i remembered you, i don't know why.  ugh.  it's a good thing they moved on to Harder to Breathe and i was smiling and singing along again.

for the encore, they came back with Adam on drums, and James Valentine (their guitarist) singing vocals for Seven Nation Army.  i thought that was really cute and amusing for them to cover that.  i really loved it.  then they performed a stripped version of She Will Be Loved which i adored.  that almost performance of Gangnam Style was a nice twist.  Adam swinging and swaying his hips and sticking his tongue out occasionally already drove me (and everybody else) crazy so him just implying to do that was awesomely interesting.

before they end the show, Adam and the band thanked everyone in the audience. they say they have a special spot for the Philippines in their hearts.  they then proceed to play Moves Like Jagger and the crowd goes wild.

i really loved this show.  i love the band and all of their songs and i'm so glad i missed work for it.  after all, you only live once.  now, it's back to reality.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

angry girl journal 09.18.2012

 . . . sometimes i feel like i don't have a partner . . .

this past week has been very stressful for the both of us and i honestly thought it wouldn't be a good working environment but you have been very helpful. it made me feel like we were back to where we were before again, because you are gifted with numbers and i am with words and it worked out right. we had some challenges with some of the things we needed to deal with but we worked out just fine.

you have been very sweet and thoughtful, checking up on me and asking me how my day was and i complement you and tell you how good you are, those little things that make our partnership great. those are the things that mean a lot to me.

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you said before that people are so used to the fact that you aren't doing well or that you're this arrogant asshole that they never realize when you are going out of your way to be nice or sweet or thoughtful.  you said that they never notice when you do good.  well, i'm not your mother.

because i don't only remember when you fail; i most especially remember when you do good.  

thanks, Partner.  

Sunday, September 16, 2012

just needed to know what isn't there

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while majority of the population (maids on their day off, gay guys and their boyfriends, straight girls who withheld sex from their boyfriends so they would agree to watch the movie, girls who wish they had John Lloyd as their boyfriend, etc.) stormed the malls, literally, to spend their hard-earned pay on that movie starring John Lloyd and Bea and the wonders of philandering, i went out to see the Marie Jamora film Ang Nawawala (What Isn't There) on a sunday.

the movie is similar to this play i watched before, Next To Normal, where the mother could not get over the death of her son so she has conversations with him, and therefore, she is bipolar.  in the film, after his twin brother Jamie dies, Gibson blames himself and decides he doesn't want to talk to anyone.  i believe they call it elective mutism, the refusal to speak in almost all social situations despite the normal ability to do so (he speaks with Jamie when he is alone and talks to everyone else by signing or texting) as compared to selective mutism which is the failure to speak in specific situations and is strongly associated with social anxiety disorder.

anyway, the death of his twin brother has caused a strain in the relationship of everyone in the family, as his mother is still hurt from the loss.  he blames himself for losing his brother and everyone else tries to cope with the death and his refusal to speak. even his twin Jamie (his hallucination) thinks he shouldn't be blaming himself but he does.  he thinks his parents thought the wrong twin died.  the only time he felt happy and had the urge to actually speak up was when he met Enid who, sadly, hasn't gotten over her ex-boyfriend Deacon so when he finally started to talk, it felt kind of useless since she didn't want him as much as he wanted her.

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i've been seeing a lot of good feedback over this movie and i really love the soundtrack.  i wish i had a copy.  unfortunately,  i saw the movie with just ten other people in the theater.  unlike The Mistress (that cursed John Lloyd-Bea movie),  nobody can really relate to Ang Nawawala, unless you've been casing the local music scene, or you're mute or you really want to see Boboy Garovillo married to Dawn Zulueta or Marc Abaya's really bad hair.  the music is superb and the credits run with the orchestra version of the Eraserheads' Minsan but nobody wants to see it.  maybe because not everyone was born to a family where if you decide you no longer want to speak, they'll just send you to Walthamstow or Hong Kong or India to study and pay for your therapist until you do decide to speak.  maybe because not everyone was born to a family where speaking in English is second nature.  maybe because in the 80s, people were listening to Madonna and Michael Jackson and not to Depeche Mode, R.E.M. and U2.

it's hard to tell your story, no matter how innovative and original it is if people don't think it was worth wasting their time on because they cannot relate to you.  that's the sad plight of independent film makers and musicians.  it's sad to think that we have a lot of philanderers and concubines in this country, because that's what sells tickets. i refuse to believe that the definition of independent film is sex and violence. i admire Marie's courage to make this film, along with everyone else who supported her to make it possible and i hope they don't give up making films, the same way i hope they don't stop making great Filipino music.

i don't like going to the malls on sundays but i went anyway to see what isn't there and i find that there's a lonely road to sunday night.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

angry girl journal 09.13.2012

"I bring you the gift of these four words:  I believe in you."
- Blaise Pascal

i know you sometimes think that i only say nice things to suck up to you but i really want to let you know that i really admire your hard work and all the sacrifices that you make in order to help others.  i hope that they can see that even though they don't necessarily agree with you that it's right.

i know i keep complaining about how hard the work is or that people don't understand and appreciate me very well.  i know that i also keep talking about moving to a different role, about teaching and inspiring people (and hopefully, get paid for it) but i'm still here because i love the work that i do for you.  it's not blind devotion that i stay in this role but the fact that i can help you help other people.  i love that working for you, working with you allows me to help others even in the simplest of ways.  i believe they call it that "intangible altruistic feeling" in one of my law books.  i believe success isn't just about the high pay or the getting ahead in the corporate ladder - it's about making a difference in other people's lives and if i could make as much as an iota of a difference in other people's lives the way that you have then i know i have succeeded.

you are to me, the epitome of a great leader.  you lead by example.  i hope you don't forget that.

***

there are so many things i want to say to you but over the course of our friendship, i have realized that there are things better left unsaid.  right now i'm just happy that you are back on your feet.

that i believe in you and i trust you doesn't matter much to you.  i know because you have no problem burning me and breaking my heart, but he trusts you.  he sees the good in everybody and he thinks you have great potential.  remember that ripped jeans conversation you had where he said to you, "i'm trying to make someone out of you"?  i hope you remember that.

he depends on you.  i hope you keep his trust sacred.  i hope you don't let him down the way you've let me down so many times.  i hope you don't let him down the way you let yourself down. i hope you think about that the next time you feel like screwing over the people who put their faith in you.

i give you the gift of these four words.  use the belief i have in you wisely.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

angry girl journal 09.12.2012

you don't love me.  you don't care about me.  you only say you care about me when i ask you to.  or when you're forced to.  i can't go on living with just that.

i have always loved you.  even though you've hurt me so many times i never stopped loving you.  i love you with all the broken pieces of my heart.  but to think that i will sit around here and wait for you to wake up one morning thinking that you love me - IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.

i can't live like this.  i have to move on.  i have to do what makes me happy.  i have to do what's best for me.

***

i like you.  i really do.  i enjoy the banter we have.  you're really very nice, but i don't think you're interested. you're just very nice and i enjoy every single second that i get to talk to you because i don't think we have that much time.  besides, i don't think you'd like to date an overweight boring spinster who works for the big boss.

***

i am happy that i have you.  you are very objective.  you are always there to listen to what i have to say and you appreciate me for who and what i am.  i don't mind that there is nothing romantic going on between us.  i just love you because you are a great friend to me. i love that we help each other get by.  sometimes all i need to do is get by.

Tuesday, September 04, 2012

the law and Iron Man

i studied law because my father made me. one of the reasons i came to terms with wanting to be a lawyer and not just to shut my father up was Ally McBeal.  so i wasn't anorexic like she was but the idea that after a really long day in court, i could let my hair down in a bar and Robert Downey Jr. will be there singing The Police's Every Breath You Take to me was very appealing.

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i can't help but think that maybe if i had passed, then i wouldn't feel so rusty (and stupid) when people ask me a legal question.  maybe my father wouldn't be so unhappy when he died.  i did say i want to shift careers and i want to be able to move on to a direction that makes use of what i learned. there are times when i feel i'm not working to my full potential. i don't have to be a lawyer.  we all know that ship has sailed, but i still think that i can work in a department that allows me to help people and make use of that knowledge.

and go to a bar where Robert Downey, Jr. is singing The Police's Every Breath You Take. 

angry girl journal 09.04.2012

i love singing this song in the shower.


Take It All
Adele

Didn't I give it all,
Tried my best,
Gave you everything I had,
Everything and no less?
Didn't I do it right?
Did I let you down?

Maybe you got too used to
Well, having me around.
Still how can you walk away
From all my tears?
It's gonna be an empty road
Without me right here.

But go on and take it,
Take it all with you.
Don't look back
At this crumbling fool.
Just take it all
With my love,
Take it all
With my love.

Maybe I should leave
To help you see
Nothing is better than this
And this is everything we need.
So is it over?
Is this really it?
You've given up so easily,
I thought you loved me more than this.

But go on, go on and take it,
Take it all with you.
Don't look back
At this crumbling fool.
Just take it all
With my love,
Take it all
With my love.

I will change if I must.
Slow it down and bring it home, I will adjust.
Oh if only, if only you knew,
Everything I do is for you.

But go on
Go on and take it,
Take it all with you.
Don't look back
At this crumbling fool.
Just take it,
Take it all with you.
Don't look back
At this crumbling fool.
Just take it all
With my love,
Take it all
With my love
Take it all
With my love.

maybe he'll realize how much i mean to him too late in life, like if i get sick and die or something, or if i find someone else who actually, truly cares about me.


we're all doomed to fall for the wrong person at least once in our lifetime.

Sunday, September 02, 2012

Grimm: i'm not jumpy when i watch this

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after Buffy The Vampire Slayer, and Angel both bid farewell to television, we didn't hear from Josh Whedon until Avengers. yeah, yeah, he came up with Supernatural but i wasn't really crazy about the plot as i was about the first two shows.  Charmed also bid farewell so there in the can went all my favorite fantasy series.  after that, Twilight came out and gave a different meaning to the word "vampire" and "werewolf". another show came out called The Vampire Diaries and while i think Ian Somerhalder is hot, i didn't really appreciate it that much.

i don't like Twilight and the Vampire Diaries because of the damsel-in-distress factor.  it didn't sit well with me considering how Buffy was such a strong woman.  sure, she had mortals and immortals pining over her but she could very well take care of herself.

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like Suits, Grimm came out just about the same time my neighbor's cable got cut off.  now that i got reconnected i got to see the series and i was really fascinated with it.  while it didn't feature a strong female lead, it is not boring and i don't get jumpy watching it.  not bad for someone who doesn't feel comfortable sleeping alone in the dark, right?

Grimm is about Homicide Detective Nick Burkhardt, and his life after he discovers that he is descended from a long line of hunters called Grimms, who fight to keep humanity safe from supernatural forces.  he lives in a world in which the characters inspired  by the Grimms' Fairy Tales exist.  as a Grimm, he must be able to distinguish the good forces from the bad, with the help of his friend, Wieder Blutbad Monroe and his partner, Detective Hank Griffin. 

while i think David Guintoli is hot and the plot is very interesting, i watch it mainly because of Monroe's humor. Monroe, played by Silas Weir Mitchell, is very lovable and tries to help Nick, the Grimm, every which way he can. while he is very awkward and non-violent, he is very quick-witted,  funny and very adorable.

i'm glad that we have these shows again.  they are very entertaining and they provide a whole new perspective towards the fairy tales we have grown up with. while they educate us with the tales, they show us that for as long as there is evil in this world, in whatever shape or form, good will always prevail and win over it.