Thursday, August 23, 2012

words have no meaning

early this year, you disappeared.  this was after we had agreed that i would "monitor" you so that you can stay away from really bad habits. i didn't really want to considering you don't even listen to your own mother.  why the hell would you listen to me?

anyway, i had no idea where you went or how you were. you weren't answering your phone and you didn't give advice at work either.   you called me over the work phone and you apologized to me.  you said you lost your mobile phone and that you were sick.  you really had me worried because i knew how sick you were.  you said you never like to see me cry.  you assured me that you were still alive and that you were still there for me.  and then you starting singing.

Words

Smile an everlasting smile

A smile could bring you near to me
Don't ever let me find you gone
'Cause that would bring a tear to me
This world has lost it's glory
Let's start a brand new story
Now my love right now there'll be
No other time and I can show you
How my love
Talk in everlasting words
And dedicate them all to me
And I will give you all my life
I'm here if you should call to me
You think that I don't even mean
A single word I say
It's only words, and words are all
I have to take your heart away
You think that I don't even mean
A single word I say
It's only words, and words are all
I have to take your heart away
It's only words, and words are all
I have to take your heart away

according to Stephen M.R. Covey, in his book i'm reading, The Speed of Trust, it's easy to say "I care" . . . but it is our actual behavior that demonstrates whether or not we mean it.  i know you care about me.  you said you did.  you have a lousy way of showing it.

days later, you texted me because you got yourself a new phone and you went to work the next day.  i told you how i wished i was a different person.  if i were someone else, maybe you'd share your life with me more, and i don't end up feeling stupid for caring about you and you told me i was perfect, that you could not ask for anything more.  again, you knew exactly what to say to pull me back again. i forgave you. i helped you, i gave you another chance. i ALWAYS forgive you and give you chances.  but you.  for all the love i have given you, you gave me this many chances:


Photobucket

that's a thought enough for me to want to slash my wrists.

if i was so perfect, why can't i be good enough for you?  i know i shouldn't even be asking this question considering that there are so many reasons why i shouldn't be waiting on you.

you were never good with words. but somehow i always tend to believe you when you say something, but the words i hope you would say, the words that show you respect me, that you care, if you do at all, those are the words you cannot say.  it's very easy to tell someone you care, but if you don't show them or make the effort to,  they mean nothing.