Wednesday, August 29, 2012

why am i drawn to guys who like to gamble?

it may be a coincidence but it just so happens that two of my favorite shows, Bones and Fringe, are from the same network.

how weird and funny is it that the two male characters i am most drawn to on television, Seeley Booth (David Boreanaz) and Peter Bishop (Joshua Jackson) BOTH have a GAMBLING problem. Seeley Booth is an FBI agent recovering from his gambling addiction and he acts as the liaison officer between the FBI and the Jeffersonian Institute; while Peter Bishop is the son of "Walternate", the Walter Bishop of the alternate universe.  although he has an IQ of 190, speaks and is fluent in English, Arabic, Persian, Cantonese and Spanish, he dropped out of college with gambling debts.  both are partnered with equally strong women.


another show i like right now is Suits. it premiered in Manila about the same time that my neighbor's cable connection got cut off.  i didn't get reconnected until a few months ago, when the second season was about to start.  you'd think i would pine over the guy with eidetic memory who takes really good care of grandma but somehow, i find myself oggling over the best closer who thinks he's the smartest guy in the room.  so you could understand my reaction when i saw a clip of the show and i saw Harvey Specter playing cards.  what the?!  the asshole gambles too?!?!

i HAVE to get over this pattern.


i love this song from Traumaligno.  when i heard it, i thought it was really deep.  it is what made me want to manage their band.

(Boom Dizon)

Nalimutan ko nang mataranta

Nawala kang muli
Hindi ko tatanungin

Hindi nawawala ang hindi hinahanap
Panong mapapagod ang dati nang pagal
Hindi malilimot ang di mo naintindihan

Humalik sa himpapawid
Arukin ang di maabot
Malayong babalik ka pa
Pumipiglas ang lubid
Yayapos ang alipin
Ang oras
Kapag ika’y nawawala

Nalimutan mo nang magsalita
At tulad ng huli
Purihin ang salarin

Hindi nabibigo ang di nangangahas
Santong pinapako, kumalinga ng wagas
Magsisi’t tumalikod wala ka nang babalikan

obviously, the song has a lot of meaning for me.  because of the song, i met with one of the bands whom i thought had the highest potential to make it big in the local music scene.  sadly, things didn't materialize the way i had envisioned and the dream fizzled before people could ever get to listen to their stories.  also, the song itself is meaningful because of current circumstances.  you know, missing people, broken promises and regrets.  

the song is relatable and at best, very logical.  you cannot find something/someone that doesn't want to be found.  someday, you will also find that there is no turning back.  i hope to be free from my own ropes.  

birthday dress, part 2


dress:  Maldita

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Sunday, August 26, 2012



the moment she walks in on them in flagrante delicto, i knew i had seen the original movie starring Nora Aunor before as a kid. now, before you judge my parents for delegating the responsibility of child-rearing to the TV screen, let me tell you that my mother was there when i saw it. she was just asleep in certain scenes. i remember how it ends.


they revised the storyline to make it more current but the gist is still the same. they also tried to incorporate film scenes in between those portrayed by the actors on stage.  i particularly did not like the interview scene. despite all the evidence that the quality of the movies out today have deteriorated and  more and more insipid actors get by on their good looks because majority of the audience is "illiterate",  i don't think the audience needs an explanation.  whatever happened to getting out of the theater thinking what would happen next?  wouldn't it be nice if the audience were allowed to draw their own conclusions as to what happened instead of spoonfeeding (or force-feeding, whichever) it  to them?

while i'm not particularly a big fan of Eugene Domingo or her movies,  i believed her.  i could relate to her Bona.  i've had a boyfriend not call/text/email me for three months but i still hoped for closure and waited on him even though i knew in my heart and mind that it was over.  i've had days when i think that the doorknob to my heart is broken and i will not let anybody in.  i've had days, lots of days, when my gay friends would have relationships and i would have none.  i've had days when i feel like i've been working so hard and yet my life isn't going anywhere.  i've had days, so many days,   when people only remember me when they need me for something, especially money.  i've prayed to God for signs and somehow, even if God was giving the answer to me, i still couldn't figure it out.

the lead male character reminds me of him.  they talk and act the same, but the character he played reminded me of you.  and me.  it was our story.  well, similar.  the play was funny but there were scenes that were hard to watch.  i had this pain in my chest.  i had trouble breathing when they were unfolding before my eyes.  i wanted to slash my wrists.  seriously.  i so wanted to kill myself afterwards.

". . . ayaw kitang saktan dahil alam kong mahal na mahal mo ako. kaya lang hindi kita kayang mahalin."*

it dawned on me, much as i hated to admit it, that she was me.  that you don't want to say it, but that's what you mean.   that no matter what i do, i will never be good enough for you. that even if i was happy doing all of these things for you and i'm not expecting anything in return, people will still think i'm stupid or that i'm trying to buy my way into your heart.  but mostly, that i have to stop.  at the end of the day, it would still be my fault i stayed.  even if you're the user in this picture, i will still be the stupid one for not knowing any better.

i sincerely hope there is still hope for me, that there will be no need for boiling water for me to come to my senses.

i wonder how OUR story will end.

*" . . . i don't want to hurt you because i know how much you love me.  but i can't love you"

Thursday, August 23, 2012

because what takes years to build takes only minutes to destroy

i've been working on this deck for my boss.  he was asked to do a presentation for a bunch of high potential agents currently on leadership training.  his topic is based on the book by Stephen M. R. Covey.

the book focuses on the premise that while trust that took years to build can easily be destroyed, it doesn't mean that it cannot be earned back.  it teaches the reader principles that can be applied to both professional and personal life.

by behaving in ways that build trust, you make deposits.  by behaving in ways that destroy trust, you make withdrawals.  the balance in the account reflects the amount of trust in the relationship at any given time.


13 Behaviors
1.  Talk straight

2. Demonstrate respect

3. Create Transparency

4.  Right wrongs

5.  Show loyalty

6. Deliver results

7.  Get Better

8. Confront Reality

9.  Clarify Expectations

10. Practice accountability

11. Listen First

12.  Keep Commitments

13.  Extend Trust

i really liked the book.  each of the thirteen behaviors had explanations that you can practice in school, at work, or in your whole life in general.

trust is something of really great value that only takes minutes to destroy once lost.  i should know, i've been burned many times.  i wish the people who burned me had a chance to read this book.  i read this book not just because the project is important to my boss, or that trust is important to him.  i read this book because trust is important to me and i learned a lot from reading it.  if only it was just as important to you too.

words have no meaning

early this year, you disappeared.  this was after we had agreed that i would "monitor" you so that you can stay away from really bad habits. i didn't really want to considering you don't even listen to your own mother.  why the hell would you listen to me?

anyway, i had no idea where you went or how you were. you weren't answering your phone and you didn't give advice at work either.   you called me over the work phone and you apologized to me.  you said you lost your mobile phone and that you were sick.  you really had me worried because i knew how sick you were.  you said you never like to see me cry.  you assured me that you were still alive and that you were still there for me.  and then you starting singing.


Smile an everlasting smile

A smile could bring you near to me
Don't ever let me find you gone
'Cause that would bring a tear to me
This world has lost it's glory
Let's start a brand new story
Now my love right now there'll be
No other time and I can show you
How my love
Talk in everlasting words
And dedicate them all to me
And I will give you all my life
I'm here if you should call to me
You think that I don't even mean
A single word I say
It's only words, and words are all
I have to take your heart away
You think that I don't even mean
A single word I say
It's only words, and words are all
I have to take your heart away
It's only words, and words are all
I have to take your heart away

according to Stephen M.R. Covey, in his book i'm reading, The Speed of Trust, it's easy to say "I care" . . . but it is our actual behavior that demonstrates whether or not we mean it.  i know you care about me.  you said you did.  you have a lousy way of showing it.

days later, you texted me because you got yourself a new phone and you went to work the next day.  i told you how i wished i was a different person.  if i were someone else, maybe you'd share your life with me more, and i don't end up feeling stupid for caring about you and you told me i was perfect, that you could not ask for anything more.  again, you knew exactly what to say to pull me back again. i forgave you. i helped you, i gave you another chance. i ALWAYS forgive you and give you chances.  but you.  for all the love i have given you, you gave me this many chances:


that's a thought enough for me to want to slash my wrists.

if i was so perfect, why can't i be good enough for you?  i know i shouldn't even be asking this question considering that there are so many reasons why i shouldn't be waiting on you.

you were never good with words. but somehow i always tend to believe you when you say something, but the words i hope you would say, the words that show you respect me, that you care, if you do at all, those are the words you cannot say.  it's very easy to tell someone you care, but if you don't show them or make the effort to,  they mean nothing.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

tears for Fierce


i missed the first time they went over here, and even now that i've seen them, i still can't believe i actually did see them. i wasn't even planning to go see the show, i just happened to be in the area and The Bourne Legacy was already over.  had we seen it after dinner, i would've totally missed the show.  sometimes, you don't plan things, they just happen.  you can also say that i wasn't really thinking straight considering i spent the whole shift packing relief goods and i didn't really get enough sleep since i had to meet my friends for the movie.  my mind and body were both sore so i just gave in to the idea of seeing the concert.  besides, i would really kick myself in the head if i let the opportunity pass a second time.  there wasn't even supposed to be this second show which meant it was giving me the chance to see the band.  i was paying for two shows in one.

the show opened with Per Sorensen of the now-defunct Fra Lippo Lippi doing songs from his new album and of course, most of the songs we grew up with.  he's really old (he's old he even brought his 26-year old son to play on keyboards for the tour old), but still lanky and his voice breaks every once in a while but the audience doesn't care.  it's one of those times i don't really mind paying for community singing, or for really cheap seats.  well, they weren't that cheap, but i didn't mind being at the general admission section, like really far away from the stage.  i was there for the music.  i loved singing along and i didn't mind if the people behind me were messing up the words while they were singing along.  i was just glad to be there.

during intermission, this nice lady from Wolverhampton, England did a four-song acoustic set.  i really liked her, Carina Round.  i thought she had some great stories to tell.  she even encouraged the audience to sing back up for her on her last song, Backseat.  the song gave me goosebumps.  that the audience was singing with her and it was a beautiful song was wonderful. i wanted to go get her record (i checked later after the show - too expensive!) or get a guitar to try to learn the song.

after much sound checking by the band's sound engineers, Tears for Fears finally came out.  you hear the intro for Everybody Wants to Rule the World and you get a roar from the audience.  they're older but the music has been the same, those songs i've gone crazy around singing along to. it's like their voices have even gotten better with age.  you can sort of tell, though, that some of the songs were a bit slower in tempo but they were great just the same.  Curt Smith and Roland Orzabal alternately did vocals for their hits, and even Carina Round was doing back up vocals.  the proceeds of the merchandise sale they said would go to the Red Cross.  it's amazing how these last two nights, they have come to love Manila (they will perform in Cebu as well) and found it was their responsibility as artists to give back because of the devastation brought about the monsoon rains and flash floods.  they thought it best not only to entertain but to give back.  awww.

i've heard so many versions of Mad World, but as Curt stated, the original is still so much better.  so once the intro for Head Over Heels is played, the crowd gets wild and everybody is singing along.  then Roland skips the last two words and the whole band walks out of the stage with him.  you hear the audience calling out to them, and singing the chorus to Shout for a while but they don't go out.  they probably waited for about five minutes.  para encore nga daw talaga hahaha!   they come back to sing Woman in Chains and of course, the crowd favorite that called them back to the stage, Shout.

i enjoyed the show immensely.  i will not let my fears get in the way of my happiness again.  after all, weekends are too short.

i definitely want to be saved by him


i didn't follow The Bourne series.  i probably saw one movie with Matt Damon and forgot what it was all about.  i never got into the books either.

there is much anticipation for the movie The Bourne Legacy mainly because they shot here.  a great number of people, myself included, want to know, if the movie is as great as we expect and all that rerouting and traffic we went through was worth it.

IT WAS.  the movie kicks major ass.


i'm not exactly a damsel in distress, but i don't mind being saved by Jeremy Renner.  i mean, Matt Damon is the smart pretty boy you want to bring home to your parents.  if not for the first three Bourne movies, i never imagined him to kick butt.  Jeremy Renner, on the other hand, has that Robin Padilla factor, err, X factor, the strong appeal. i'm pretty sure i would remember him instead of just referring him to the number, "5".  he can be good (Hawkeye, Clint Barton) or bad (Brian Gamble in S.W.A.T)  and you would love him just the same.  he's like the random guy who will run after the mugger who stole your purse while you're busy texting your friends while you're in the mall.

if i were to ride with a guy on a motorcycle, holding on to his ripped body for dear life while being chased by another agent who wants to kill us both from the stretch of Pasay Taft to Sta. Mesa until we reach the Navotas City Fish Port, that guy would be Jeremy Renner.

i remember your story about being chased by policemen in your motorcycle.  you were all i thought about in the chase scenes of the movie.  tsk.

Thursday, August 02, 2012

a most fitting conclusion to the epic trilogy


i enjoyed it immensely i want to see it again. i really do.

i watched this movie alone.  i had to prove that i was not afraid.  as i write this, i am saying a prayer for all the victims at the Dark Knight Rises Colorado massacre.

so after an eight year hiatus, Batman decides that he wants to go out again and save Gotham City.  Commissioner Gordon decides he wants everyone to know that Harvey Dent wasn't exactly the man the city believed him to be.  however, before he can resign and make his speech, Bane beat him to it.  Miranda Tate tries to save Wayne Enterprises but she turns out to be the villain who wants to blow the city to smithereens.  who knew she was Ra's al Ghul's daughter? i seriously didn't see that coming, knowing she was that child who got out of that prison and Bane was her protector.  astig.

i seriously loved this film.  running on twenty-four hours of no sleep coming from a shift, then fixing house papers and payments and meeting a friend afterwards.  i was really tired but i told myself i may never have the opportunity to see it.  so i did.

besides, i needed to take my mind off of you.

anyway,  the movie was great.  Anne Hathaway was so great in those fight scenes and in that leather cat suit.  Christian Bale, of course, is amazing.  Joseph Gordon Levitt is so hot.  so hot.  the boy wonder is so hot.  he inherits the Batcave from Bruce.   Albert finally gets to see Bruce and his girlfriend, Selina (yes, in this movie, Catwoman ends up with Batman) have a dinner in Florence.  Commissioner Gordon still doesn't know that Bruce is Batman and Lucius Fox finds out months later that Batman didn't really die.  everybody is happy.