Monday, July 30, 2012

angry girl journal 07.30.2012

when my parents were still alive, i had a curfew even when i  was already working, and you have to understand, i started working pretty late in life. i couldn't go out with friends without them checking who i was with and what time i'd be home. they would even call me by my really embarrassing weird childhood nickname in front of my friends.

God, I miss that :(

i miss you checking up on me on weekends.  i miss you calling me "belsie".  that and "partner", along with its many variations.  i miss sharing food with you.  i miss our many arguments.  i miss how we can make each other laugh, cry, angry.  i miss how your eyes disappear when you smile.

" ♪. . . i miss the little things  . . . i miss everything about you ♫ . . . "
 - Sweet Surrender, Sarah McLachlan

we didn't have anything before and while that hurt me, i was happy with what i had with you.  i was happy with what we had.  it wasn't much but it made me happy.  it's not any better than what i have now, but that made me happy.  i've said too many things to hurt your feelings and you've done and not done too many things to hurt mine.  and now i know no matter how i try (because i know you won't) we can never get back to how we were before.  i don't think we can go back to how we were before.