Friday, July 13, 2012

angry girl journal 07.12.2012

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i said once before that i was searching for my own Booth. i've always been a big fan of the show Bones as i admired and envied the chemistry that the anthropologist and the FBI agent have. never mind the sexual tension that has always been there between them. i loved the idea that they could always count on each other even if they didn't always agree on everything. they could talk about anything under the sun and they protect each other always. they'd be there for each other no matter what happened.

i thought you and i have that. i still do. we didn't have to fall in love with each other like they did. i was content with the fact that i knew you were there for me, like i am here for you. i've always believed in you, even when everybody else didn't and you showed me you cared at the times i least expected anyone to be there for me. we were partners, just like Booth and Bones. we were each other's critic, confidant, sounding board. we keep each other in check, we keep each other sane. i like to think that i did that for you. you can make me laugh, cry, get mad, all at the same time. i know i do that for you too.

so much has been going on and sometimes it's hard to tell who drove the other away. maybe i did. so much has been said and so much has happened that it's hard to get back to the way we were.  i always thought that we'd be friends forever (even if to this day, i believe that forever has an expiration date) and that we will see each other through no matter what happens or what comes our way.  now, i'm not so sure.  i always said that i would take a bullet for you and i can, will protect you from any harm, but i always, always doubt that you can do the same for me.  i didn't need you to love me back, i just needed you to be there when i needed you and you weren't. to my mind, partnerships aren't supposed to be that way.  i didn't mind that love wasn't reciprocated just as long as the respect was and i don't think i even have that either. somehow i never got the assurance that if things went wrong, you will still be there.

we are each other's Booth and Bones, i still believe that.  i remember what you said to me and i believe it to this day.  i think about it often, especially when i have doubts about our friendship.  it's the only thing i hold on to.  i've said this before and i still believe it now:  i love you, i love our friendship, i love our partnership, whether we end up together or not.  we don't have to end up together.  now that i think about it, i don't even know why i wanted you to begin with, you're such a pain in the ass! lol.   i just want my friend back:  my partner, my buddy, my brother, the person who keeps me sane.  i know in my mind and in my heart, and i know i may just be delusional, because you have episodes, that you will come through for me, that you will be the great man i always believed you are; that you will conquer your demons and grow up; that you will protect me from harm and most especially from myself; that you will be my Booth.

the wonders of this great partnership lies in my proficiency with words and yours with numbers.

i'm at a loss for words.