Monday, July 30, 2012

angry girl journal 07.30.2012

when my parents were still alive, i had a curfew even when i  was already working, and you have to understand, i started working pretty late in life. i couldn't go out with friends without them checking who i was with and what time i'd be home. they would even call me by my really embarrassing weird childhood nickname in front of my friends.


God, I miss that :(

***
i miss you checking up on me on weekends.  i miss you calling me "belsie".  that and "partner", along with its many variations.  i miss sharing food with you.  i miss our many arguments.  i miss how we can make each other laugh, cry, angry.  i miss how your eyes disappear when you smile.

" ♪. . . i miss the little things  . . . i miss everything about you ♫ . . . "
 - Sweet Surrender, Sarah McLachlan

we didn't have anything before and while that hurt me, i was happy with what i had with you.  i was happy with what we had.  it wasn't much but it made me happy.  it's not any better than what i have now, but that made me happy.  i've said too many things to hurt your feelings and you've done and not done too many things to hurt mine.  and now i know no matter how i try (because i know you won't) we can never get back to how we were before.  i don't think we can go back to how we were before. 

Thursday, July 26, 2012

angry girl journal 07.26.2012

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another reason i love NCIS, aside from the fact that Gibbs (Mark Harmon) is hot, is the partnership between Ziva and Tony.  they protect each other and watch out for each other's backs.

i may have found him.  i found my straight male best friend.  he's smart and sweet and attractive and he can easily beat up anybody who tries to mess with me. i don't have to see him everyday, i don't have to keep asking him, but i know in my heart and in my mind that if i needed him, he would be there for me.  i think.  i mean, with him i'm sure, i know, that  he's there for me.  something i never got with you.  i never had any assurance that you would be there for me,   that you would stick your neck out for me the way i always get out of my way to watch your back.  i don't know why i took his friendship for granted the way you take me for granted.  but now i've  ruined it and i don't know how i can bring him back.  i don't know how we'll talk again seeing i gave him up for you.  i miss him so much.

i like the partnership between Tony and Ziva.  something i wish for but may never ever have.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

sometimes adults do tend to act more like children

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 my friends and i braved the storm Ferdie to watch the play God of Carnage, featuring the one, the only, Miss Lea Salonga.  strangely enough, this is one of those straight plays, so it doesn't really matter who plays the character, because you only want to hear her sing.

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the play is  about two pairs of parents, one of whose child has hurt the other at a public park, who meet to discuss the matter in a civilized manner. however, as the evening goes on, the parents become increasingly childish, resulting in the evening devolving into chaos.  it's amazing how easily liquor can change the behavior of seemingly normal adults.

i honestly thought i was going to doze off during this whole play.  i enjoy watching people talk but i since coming from shift, i didn't know if i could absorb everything going on.   i did and i enjoyed it immensely.  it was a really funny play.

watching it made me remember how i was brought up as a kid and i imagine how many of the kids i interacted with growing up were brought up.  parents from my generation have a different way of instilling discipline in their kids compared to you kids now.  we didn't have Bantay Bata back then and we kids really did what we were told because we were afraid of the consequences.  you kids these days, you are spoiled rotten and most of you have a very short attention span.  plus, most of the child-rearing is delegated to the media: radio, TV, internet, so if you grow up feeling like the world revolves around you, i will not be surprised.

anyway, i digress.  sometimes adults do tend to act more like children. whether it's because they had to mature too soon so they missed out on a lot of things or they just happen to be sheltered and feeble-minded because they grew up in an environment that nurtures that so they act that way, it comes out.  eventually.  i know.  i am both childish and childlike.  i wasn't hugged enough as a child.  sue me.

the actors were great on this play and i don't regret seeing it even when i haven't had any sleep at all.  i loved it.  parents should see it.

Friday, July 13, 2012

angry girl journal 07.12.2012

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i said once before that i was searching for my own Booth. i've always been a big fan of the show Bones as i admired and envied the chemistry that the anthropologist and the FBI agent have. never mind the sexual tension that has always been there between them. i loved the idea that they could always count on each other even if they didn't always agree on everything. they could talk about anything under the sun and they protect each other always. they'd be there for each other no matter what happened.

i thought you and i have that. i still do. we didn't have to fall in love with each other like they did. i was content with the fact that i knew you were there for me, like i am here for you. i've always believed in you, even when everybody else didn't and you showed me you cared at the times i least expected anyone to be there for me. we were partners, just like Booth and Bones. we were each other's critic, confidant, sounding board. we keep each other in check, we keep each other sane. i like to think that i did that for you. you can make me laugh, cry, get mad, all at the same time. i know i do that for you too.

so much has been going on and sometimes it's hard to tell who drove the other away. maybe i did. so much has been said and so much has happened that it's hard to get back to the way we were.  i always thought that we'd be friends forever (even if to this day, i believe that forever has an expiration date) and that we will see each other through no matter what happens or what comes our way.  now, i'm not so sure.  i always said that i would take a bullet for you and i can, will protect you from any harm, but i always, always doubt that you can do the same for me.  i didn't need you to love me back, i just needed you to be there when i needed you and you weren't. to my mind, partnerships aren't supposed to be that way.  i didn't mind that love wasn't reciprocated just as long as the respect was and i don't think i even have that either. somehow i never got the assurance that if things went wrong, you will still be there.

we are each other's Booth and Bones, i still believe that.  i remember what you said to me and i believe it to this day.  i think about it often, especially when i have doubts about our friendship.  it's the only thing i hold on to.  i've said this before and i still believe it now:  i love you, i love our friendship, i love our partnership, whether we end up together or not.  we don't have to end up together.  now that i think about it, i don't even know why i wanted you to begin with, you're such a pain in the ass! lol.   i just want my friend back:  my partner, my buddy, my brother, the person who keeps me sane.  i know in my mind and in my heart, and i know i may just be delusional, because you have episodes, that you will come through for me, that you will be the great man i always believed you are; that you will conquer your demons and grow up; that you will protect me from harm and most especially from myself; that you will be my Booth.

the wonders of this great partnership lies in my proficiency with words and yours with numbers.

i'm at a loss for words.  

Saturday, July 07, 2012

the play rocks

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the idea was to see the play first then the movie just to see what the difference was.  it was so hard to get tickets since the play, despite its pricey tickets, were all sold out even before its run started here in Manila.

i did say that the play was different from the movie.i thought the movie was hilarious.  the play was GOLDEN! i almost peed in my really nice I-got-this-from-a-sale-but-it's-so-fab jumpshorts. Tom Cruise as Stacee Jaxx was awesome until i saw where he got his inspiration: MIG AYESA IS LOVE.

you know, for someone who went there alone, i had a lot of pictures taken with a lot of beautiful people, Mig Ayesa being the most beautiful and wonderful of them.
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i really just wanted to take a picture of Marc Nelson, who happened to be talking to Nyoy Volante after the show. hence, this picture.
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i honestly thought Jett Pangan is getting to be a really serious stage actor. when he's there you forget that that's the same voice behind Enveloped Ideas and Salamat that has been the anthem of rockers of our generation. i sincerely didn't think it would work and had difficulty imagining how he would play the role since Russell Brand was so funny and it came naturally since i never really took Russell seriously. why'd you think Katy Perry filed for divorce?

anyway, Jett did the role of Lonny justice and i thought, funnier than Russell Brand's performance in the movie. the stage version is more interactive. he had my eyes glued to the stage the whole time.
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i almost missed Aiza.  i'm actually just a few inches taller than she is and i just happened to be wearing heels with this jumpsuit.  i didn't know until this play that she could fit into a corset and fishnet stockings.  the image is still lurking in my head as i write this.

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i didn't really like the idea of Vina Morales playing the role of Sherrie, the same way i didn't really like Nyoy Volante playing Drew.  i felt like they could have easily gotten someone else to play those roles but these two did do their best and they actually went up a notch on my book.

also, that Vina already gave birth and still have rocking abs you want to shoot her navel with an arrow is a great injustice.  it is simply not right.

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i actually saw Mig Ayesa two days before the play at a mall and i couldn't resist the opportunity to walk up to him and have a picture taken with him.  never mind if i hadn't had any sleep or that i've been so tired coming from work, and fixing the house papers.  seeing him was the highlight of that day.  he even told me to wait about ten, fifteen minutes for him to take off his make up and dress up to have THIS picture taken.

i love it when stars are so grounded that you don't feel how successful they are until you remember how starstruck you are.

being a rocker and old, i know most of the songs and the artists who sang them.  it also helped that the movie came out just about the same time as the play started its run in Manila and that some of the songs have been performed in Glee. hell, i have expected some of the Glee members to come out of the stage when the cast was singing Don't Stop Believing.  i didn't care if my voice became hoarse, i sang along.  i laughed heartily at everything.

***
why were we walking along the Ayala and Makati Avenues again? i forget.

we have memories in that building, that's where we met. that's the theater where we watched a play, where we smoked and shared that awkward silence before the second act of Spring Awakening.

funny. i watched that play to make me forget but it only helped me remember.

Sunday, July 01, 2012

amazing.

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we were supposed to watch this together.  but you're too busy so i didn't ask.  hell, you're too busy to even recognize me.

***
i actually enjoyed this.  my friend and i had some sort of debate as to whether to watch this movie in 3D and then go for fast food but i said, we can watch it in 2D and enjoy our meal.

i won.

i was a big fan of the Spider-Man series starring Tobey Maguire.  i thought he was amazing.  he showed how much as a man Peter wanted to save the city, save the girl.  he showed how difficult it was leading a double life.  i didn't want those movies to end.  Andrew Garfield, on the other hand, while showing all that, is also funny.  his Peter Parker had spunk.  he had sarcasm, he was sweet and even though he was full of revenge in his heart, you could feel his strength, his tenacity.

we all want our heroes to be strong, we all want them to save the day.  i loved this movie.  i thought it was amazing.  i thought this Spider-Man was amazing.  even if it was just 2D.