Thursday, April 05, 2012

letting go may have to mean letting go of the house

i haven't been getting sleep this whole week because of last Saturday's attempted break-in. it's really making me think of doing what i've been procrastinating for these last three years - house papers. yes, i can facilitate, coordinate and administer several things for other people but i haven't been able to fix my whole life for the longest time. i know what to do, i just haven't gotten around to doing it. but with this whole thing about the house is really stressing me out even more. i could rent it out. but i really want to move out as i can never find peace there anymore.

i want to hold on to the house. it's the last thing i have of my parents.  apart from the brilliant genes and a whole lot of angst.  the last thing is i would want to do is lose it.  it's just tiring sometimes.  the home is where you're supposed to feel safe and protected, but now it's just some place you go to sleep in.  and now i can't even sleep there.  it's where all the memories were crafted, good or bad.  now it's just tainted with the bad.

i really appreciate you helping me, being there for me, during this time. you really came through for me and while i don't really give you much credit, you really took care of me and showed me that you're trying to man up, step up to be the man i know you are.  i love that about you.  you surprise me sometimes.  i love that you do.

i still don't know what to do with the house.  i may have to sell it.  or rent it out.  but i have to have things repaired first.  i have to find a new place to stay in when i do rent it out.  i have to fix the papers.  i have to do so many things.  it's funny how in order to fix your life you have to tear it down sometimes so that it will be better.