Tuesday, April 10, 2012

it was all about staying away from the things that make you happy

i was on "forced leave" the whole Lenten weekend.  i wanted to go to work since i couldn't sleep well at home anyway.  but i decided to stay home since my neighbors all went to the province for the weekend.  i stood guard and would jump out of bed every time i heard the dogs barking.  i can't help it.  i have been paranoid to the highest level, like all those people who think we're not alone in the universe paranoid ever since the attempted break-in.  more reason to fix the house and find a new place.  and i have to do it fast.

staying at home, though, has given me perspective.  it hasn't helped me to do everything i need to do for the house, paper-wise, except clean it.  everything i need to do has to be done on a work day, and i sleep work days to work at night.  so you could say i'd rather work on holidays than be stuck at home since i won't be able to achieve anything anyway.  except to catch up on sleep, of course, which i can't.

so perspective:  i believe that God (or Allah, or Buddha, whoever you may believe in) watches over us.  He (or She) is not blind to what our hearts ask for.  we will always be protected, saved, if we believe.  no matter what comes our way, if we have faith in our Lord, in the people around us, in ourselves,  there is nothing we cannot achieve.  it may not manifest as much as other people do but this is what i believe in.

***
every Sunday, i have my former laundry/cleaning lady's gay son come over to help me clean the house.  through this process i found the letters my father sent and received from his paramour, my confirmation godmother, before, during and after my mother was sick with cancer. that was a hell of a time for me, having to deal with her sickness and the pressure of being perfect because my godmother's children were the poster children of perfection.  they were a bunch of overachievers.  it was bad enough that there was so much pressure on me as an only child to excel, but to have to compete with these pampered freaks all the time! ugh.  then there was my mother's insecurities:  she only had one breast, she was dealing with the physiological and emotional effects of chemotherapy, and she had a husband who was cheating on her with some lady who pretended to be our friend.

i guess i'm not mad anymore about the affair. i was mad then. i should be over it by now.  my father's dead, and the woman who was supposed to be just his "friend" has kept her distance from me.  it was hard for me then, so i resented everything.  maybe it was love they felt, maybe it was real.  i just wish it wasn't at the expense of my dying mother.  i have forgiven my father, i have forgiven her.  maybe we all had to go through that to become better people.

but you know what, i don't like married people cheating on their unsuspecting spouses.  i don't give in to married people who flirt with me.  darn it,  i even try to stay away from single men who have girlfriends.  so while i do forgive them, i don't find it acceptable that just because you love someone, it's okay to ruin a marriage.  it is never okay to hurt other people you love.

***

so i stayed away from work.  it's what makes me happy, it is my escape.  for most people, Lent is a vacation away from work, time spent with your loved-ones.  Lent is about sacrifice.  besides, i don't have anyone.  i don't have family anymore, so who am i supposed to spend that weekend with? my sacrifice is staying away from work; and staying away from you, since you're working and you're at work.  if i am going to have to sacrifice the things that make me happy, i would have to stay away from you.  you make me happy.  by staying away from work and from you, i am making a sacrifice that is actually good for me.  because work stresses me out and you stress me out.  so thank you.  besides, work will always be there when i get back.  and you will be there when i get back.  i hope.

see?  i just stressed myself out right there.  some sacrifice.