Monday, April 30, 2012

Avengers: the wait was worth it.

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i actually took this picture from the Ayala MRT station. a MONTH ago. that's how long i've been waiting for the Avengers.

so we finally got to watch The Avengers. we've had our eye on it for a while and we've been talking about seeing it but i keep saying i'll watch it alone just in case "something came up" on your end. because something just might.  right?

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i love the way they made the movie. it just took my breath away. they managed to make the story without losing the essence of all the other films (Captain America, Thor, Iron Man, Hulk) prior to it.  it's like if you saw Iron Man 3 now, it would feel like Tony Stark just saved the world coming from his work with the Avengers, or if Thor had a sequel, his adopted brother would be in their dimension's jail now.  it's so cool and amazing i want to see it again. Mark Ruffalo was great as Bruce Banner but the green guy really got away with most of the funny stuff. and my God, i'm not particularly crazy about Scarlett Johansonn (probably because she got married to and divorced Ryan Reynolds) but i really love, as in really love, the Black Widow.  she is the epitome of girl power.  she rocked.  the movie was directed by Joss Whedon, which made me smile.  he's the guy who gave us Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel.  okay, he directed Supernatural too, but i didn't follow it.   i enjoyed the humor, the banter, the action, the spirit, their will to protect the earth.  no, i didn't cry. but i almost did. 

i finally see and appreciate Iron Man now.  Tony Stark reminds me of you.  i especially liked this scene and i know you did too:

Tony Stark: "No offense, but I don't play well with others."
Steve Rogers: "Big man, in a suit of armour... take that away, what are you?"
Tony Stark: "Uh...genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist."

yes, i know you find that amusing.   i find it more amusing that you finally came through and saw this movie with me.  i really had a great time.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

the Robin Padilla factor

over the Lenten weekend, i got to see this movie starring Robin Padilla and Ai-Ai Delas Alas. she was a veterinarian whose ex-boyfriend was a freeloader and he was a fireman/single father raising his son after his ex-girlfriend left him for a foreigner. they meet each other when she saves his life by giving him the Heimlich maneuver when he almost chokes to death. he vows to grant her anything she wishes for, which is to have a kid as her biological clock is ticking. however, the whole community and his family, who have high respect for him since he helps everyone, whether it be small or big things, don't really like her. she's not pretty enough. but they end up together and they even have a baby coming. because that's what the director said.

 i have always been a fan of Robin Padilla. the man has humor and angst.  he is the James Dean of our generation. he can make any woman swoon and want to have babies with him. he can make men either want to be him or run after him as well. plus there's a certain humility about him, always respectful, but courageous in the face of danger. yeah, sure, who wouldn't be swept off her feet with that?

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my friends tell me that i have high standards.  according to them, seventy-five per cent of the Philippine male population have flat noses. i don't have high standards. if anything, my standards are very low. it's the people whom i pine over with the high standards. but they are right about one thing: i am drawn to the Robin Padilla factor. this is different from just wanting to be with the bad boy and trying to change him. i don't. i'm not into bad boys.  i am into boys who have a stronger personality than me. someone who has the arrogance because he has the brains and the goods, but is also charming and passionate. yes, the Robin Padilla factor.

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let's face it:  i'm an acquired taste. i have such a strong personality that tends to turn off certain people, especially the men.  i can't help it: i'm smart, i'm outspoken, i'm independent.  my parents spent for my education and i never really stopped trying to educate myself  even after they died. it intimidates guys. it would be a disservice to My Creator if i didn't use the talents He gave me.  it's hard to be the damsel in distress.  the last time i tried to "dumb myself down", i got an upset stomach.   which is why i'm into a certain type of asshole (just like you can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness, according to Gotye), that type who knows what he's talking about because he's such an expert on the subject matter.  it can be music, mathematics, physics, Microsoft Excel (notice these are things i'm inept at), cars, you know the type that can give you a nerdgasm when they open their mouth to talk.

of course, i've gone out with assholes before.  i've slept with them, fell in love with them.  these are just the assholes per se.  but the kind i really want, those are the ones i cannot have.  they're the ones who can actually make me bend my will because they're more intelligent than i.  or stronger.  whatever.  but that umph. because they're so brilliant you kinda forgive the arrogance.  that was what M was like.  or maybe she was just arrogant.  i forget. Robin Padilla was such a romantic you forget he was a womanizer before he changed religions. 

maybe it's not really what i deserve.  we don't really know what we really need as opposed to want and what we really deserve.  but i do know that i do want to be wooed Robin Padilla style.  for now.

Monday, April 16, 2012

angry girl journal 04.16.2012


i love Sugarfree.  this is one of their songs that i love very much.

Mariposa
Sugarfree

Alam mo bang kanina pa ako magdamag nang nakatingin sa 'yo
'Di mo lang alam, sa gitna ng kadilimang 'di mapakali, ako’y nabighani

'Di mo lang alam, inaasam
Ang panahong makapiling ka sa una't huling pagkakataon

Dahil dito sa mariposa ay mahirap ang nag-iisa
Dahil dito sa mariposa ako lang ata ang nag-iisa

Nagsisising matatapos ang gabing alam naman nating meron nang taning
Nagsisising gigising sa katotohanan 'di ka naman talaga akin


Di mo lang alam, inaasam
Ang panahong makapiling ka sa una't huling pagkakataon


Dahil dito sa mariposa ay mahirap ang nag-iisa
Dahil dito sa mariposa ako lang ata ang nag-iisa



Ayoko nang mag-isa
Ayoko nang mag-isa
Ayoko nang mag-isa

never imagined it could apply to me.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

it was all about staying away from the things that make you happy

i was on "forced leave" the whole Lenten weekend.  i wanted to go to work since i couldn't sleep well at home anyway.  but i decided to stay home since my neighbors all went to the province for the weekend.  i stood guard and would jump out of bed every time i heard the dogs barking.  i can't help it.  i have been paranoid to the highest level, like all those people who think we're not alone in the universe paranoid ever since the attempted break-in.  more reason to fix the house and find a new place.  and i have to do it fast.

staying at home, though, has given me perspective.  it hasn't helped me to do everything i need to do for the house, paper-wise, except clean it.  everything i need to do has to be done on a work day, and i sleep work days to work at night.  so you could say i'd rather work on holidays than be stuck at home since i won't be able to achieve anything anyway.  except to catch up on sleep, of course, which i can't.

so perspective:  i believe that God (or Allah, or Buddha, whoever you may believe in) watches over us.  He (or She) is not blind to what our hearts ask for.  we will always be protected, saved, if we believe.  no matter what comes our way, if we have faith in our Lord, in the people around us, in ourselves,  there is nothing we cannot achieve.  it may not manifest as much as other people do but this is what i believe in.

***
every Sunday, i have my former laundry/cleaning lady's gay son come over to help me clean the house.  through this process i found the letters my father sent and received from his paramour, my confirmation godmother, before, during and after my mother was sick with cancer. that was a hell of a time for me, having to deal with her sickness and the pressure of being perfect because my godmother's children were the poster children of perfection.  they were a bunch of overachievers.  it was bad enough that there was so much pressure on me as an only child to excel, but to have to compete with these pampered freaks all the time! ugh.  then there was my mother's insecurities:  she only had one breast, she was dealing with the physiological and emotional effects of chemotherapy, and she had a husband who was cheating on her with some lady who pretended to be our friend.

i guess i'm not mad anymore about the affair. i was mad then. i should be over it by now.  my father's dead, and the woman who was supposed to be just his "friend" has kept her distance from me.  it was hard for me then, so i resented everything.  maybe it was love they felt, maybe it was real.  i just wish it wasn't at the expense of my dying mother.  i have forgiven my father, i have forgiven her.  maybe we all had to go through that to become better people.

but you know what, i don't like married people cheating on their unsuspecting spouses.  i don't give in to married people who flirt with me.  darn it,  i even try to stay away from single men who have girlfriends.  so while i do forgive them, i don't find it acceptable that just because you love someone, it's okay to ruin a marriage.  it is never okay to hurt other people you love.

***

so i stayed away from work.  it's what makes me happy, it is my escape.  for most people, Lent is a vacation away from work, time spent with your loved-ones.  Lent is about sacrifice.  besides, i don't have anyone.  i don't have family anymore, so who am i supposed to spend that weekend with? my sacrifice is staying away from work; and staying away from you, since you're working and you're at work.  if i am going to have to sacrifice the things that make me happy, i would have to stay away from you.  you make me happy.  by staying away from work and from you, i am making a sacrifice that is actually good for me.  because work stresses me out and you stress me out.  so thank you.  besides, work will always be there when i get back.  and you will be there when i get back.  i hope.

see?  i just stressed myself out right there.  some sacrifice.

Thursday, April 05, 2012

letting go may have to mean letting go of the house

i haven't been getting sleep this whole week because of last Saturday's attempted break-in. it's really making me think of doing what i've been procrastinating for these last three years - house papers. yes, i can facilitate, coordinate and administer several things for other people but i haven't been able to fix my whole life for the longest time. i know what to do, i just haven't gotten around to doing it. but with this whole thing about the house is really stressing me out even more. i could rent it out. but i really want to move out as i can never find peace there anymore.

i want to hold on to the house. it's the last thing i have of my parents.  apart from the brilliant genes and a whole lot of angst.  the last thing is i would want to do is lose it.  it's just tiring sometimes.  the home is where you're supposed to feel safe and protected, but now it's just some place you go to sleep in.  and now i can't even sleep there.  it's where all the memories were crafted, good or bad.  now it's just tainted with the bad.

i really appreciate you helping me, being there for me, during this time. you really came through for me and while i don't really give you much credit, you really took care of me and showed me that you're trying to man up, step up to be the man i know you are.  i love that about you.  you surprise me sometimes.  i love that you do.

i still don't know what to do with the house.  i may have to sell it.  or rent it out.  but i have to have things repaired first.  i have to find a new place to stay in when i do rent it out.  i have to fix the papers.  i have to do so many things.  it's funny how in order to fix your life you have to tear it down sometimes so that it will be better.

Sunday, April 01, 2012

we need strong women characters to inspire us like that

so to end International Women's Month, out of sheer boredom, i decided to walk my way to the nearest mall and watch the movie Hunger Games last night.

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sidebar: for some weird reason, listening to, and sometimes, singing the Philippine National Anthem, brings tears to my eyes.

i have been hearing a lot about The Hunger Games movie and the book and i wanted to know what the fuss was about. i had initially wanted to watch it during the week as i was on "day shift" but there was always something in the way that made me not go.

the movie takes place in a post-apocalyptic world called Panem, which consists of a wealthy Capitol and twelve impoverished districts. as punishment for a past rebellion against the government, the Capitol initialized the Hunger Games, where every year, each district would send two tributes - a boy and a girl between the ages of 12 and 18 to fight to the death until there is only one remaining victor. Katniss Everdeen (Jennifer Lawrence) volunteers to be the tribute from their district when she hears her sister's name being called out. during the Reaping (training ground for tributes), Peeta Mellark, the male tribute from District 12, reveals his long-standing unrequited love for Katniss which she considers a ploy to get crucial audience support.

anyway, i'm pretty sure most of you have either read the book or watched the film already so i'm not going to go into the details of how it starts or ends.

i liked it. i loved Katniss' strong character and how brave she was. it made me interested to go get the books. it also made me happy to see Lenny Kravitz acting.

we need a lot of strong women characters to inspire younger ladies to be brave. we need to see that it is a difficult life and how we can empower ourselves to try to make it better without losing our identities. Peeta put it very nicely when he said, "I just keep wishing I could think of a way to show them that they don't own me. If I'm gonna die, I wanna still be me."

there's so much going on in reality TV that you wonder if it is actually real. just like the current impeachment case for our Chief Justice: so many people want to impress the audience that they fail to accomplish their duty which is to seek the truth. we need to keep our integrity as a people even when no one is watching. Katniss, as a means to survive, had to pretend to like Peeta to get the help she needed in order for both of them to survive.

sometimes i think people try to pretend to be someone they are not in order to survive this world we live in, which i hope i don't have to do. i got by in the world not having to, and i wish i never have to start.

i am glad that younger girls who are into reading have books like the Hunger Games to look forward to. it inspires them to be strong and to protect themselves. i know it inspired me. i am slowly trying not to be afraid anymore.