Wednesday, March 28, 2012

angry girl journal 03.28.2012

I’ve been hearing this song a lot. They used it for the movie Hunger Games and it’s quite different from the other songs that she put out. It’s also the song that’s been playing in my head since the almost-break in last weekend. I am hoping someone would sing it to me, to reassure me that everything will be alright, even when it’s not.

Safe & Sound
Taylor Swift featuring The Civil Wars

I remember tears streaming down your face 
When I said, "I'll never let you go" 
When all those shadows almost killed your light 
I remember you said, "Don't leave me here alone" 
But all that's dead and gone and passed tonight 

Just close your eyes 
The sun is going down 
You'll be alright 
No one can hurt you now 
Come morning light 
You and I'll be safe and sound 

Don't you dare look out your window, darling, 
Everything's on fire 
The war outside our door keeps raging on 
Hold on to this lullaby  
Even when the music's gone 

Just close your eyes 
The sun is going down 
You'll be alright 
No one can hurt you now 
Come morning light 
You and I'll be safe and sound 

Just close your eyes 
You'll be alright 
Come morning light, 
You and I'll be safe and sound...

I’m glad you stayed with me. I feel safer with you around. I just can’t sleep.  

Sunday, March 25, 2012

there are a lot of lunatics out there

i should know. i am one of them. but i never saw myself as a victim. until today.

last night as i was watching The Breakfast Club, i heard movement in my garage and when i opened my door to check it out, there was total darkness. and i said to myself, i could've sworn, i turned on the lights. i rushed down the stairs to see that the front door light was missing. again. then i saw that the sliding window by the front door was slightly open. panic mode.

i've been living alone for almost three years now. i've been to places: Tagaytay, Cebu, Palawan, Quezon, Tarlac. i've stayed out. late. i work nights. damnit, i've even been out of the country. but i've never had people try to cross me via breaking and entering. not that it wasn't possible. i was just thinking, and forgive my naivete, the fact that i've been so nice to people they wouldn't even think of wanting to. never mind if i'm a robber's wet dream: always out. always out at night. i always thought the good in people. i've seen tv series and movies, and read books about how cruel man can be, what they'd do just to get what they want. i am no stranger to the dangers of robbers, rapists, terrorists and murderers. i believed, i had hoped, it would be different.

you remember how i always say i'm never scared of ghosts. i have three angels protecting me. i have faith in the Creator who protects all His children. but i am scared of man. i am scared of the living man and how he/she could do things that might hurt you. man is capable of lying, stealing, hurting, and killing his fellow man.

i stayed up all night. petrified. i'm used to not sleeping at all. i can go on for days without sleep. but one of the worst things i have experienced is having to lie on my own bed, in my own home, where i'm supposed to feel safe and protected, and not be able to sleep because i fear for my own life.

i do remember those days when i would cry because of how insignificant i felt, how i could have a stroke or God forbid, be killed in my own home and no one would ever find out until after three days, when they get a whiff of my decaying body's scent.

it is so sad that there are people out there who would resort to all this, in order to survive. it is sad that even with all our efforts and resources, there are still people who are not content and would do anything necessary to have it easy in life.

i am thankful to all my friends and relatives who have been supportive and who have been sending me love and prayers. i am grateful that there is a God who watches over me and my parents' house when i'm gone.

i just still cannot sleep right now.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

NCIS: Gibbs' Rules

i'm a big fan of the show NCIS.  i think the characters and the storylines are all very well written and they also reinforce our love of the Marines.

of course, i also think that Mark Harmon is hot.


all throughout the series, we hear a lot of Gibbs' (Mark Harmon's character) rules which are passed on to his team, which help a great deal in their solving a case and finding the person responsible.  the rules also help strengthen their character and their lives.  Gibbs' rules originated from his first wife, Shannon, who told him at their first meeting, "Everyone needs a code they can live by." Years later, after their wedding, Gibbs began writing his rules down, keeping them in a small tin inside his home. Though he uses it often we almost never see the tin.

The Rules

Rule #1: Never let suspects stay together.

Rule #1: Never screw over your partner.   (Note: This is quoted by McGee to be Gibbs' Number One, but the other Rule One is quoted in other episodes to be his. Earlier, McGee had told Agent Borne that rule number one has been taken twice,  showing that he knows that there are two number one rules.)

Rule #2: Always wear gloves at a crime scene

 Rule #3: Don't believe what you're told. Double check.

Rule #3: Never be unreachable. (*Most likely one of Mike Franks' "Golden Rules" (see below) as opposed to Gibbs, because Gibbs has been known to intentionally be unreachable.*) This was a rule quoted by Tony regarding Ziva or Tim

Rule #4: The best way to keep a secret? Keep it to yourself. Second best? Tell one other person - if you must. There is no third best.

Rule #5: You don't waste good.  

Rule #6: Never say you're sorry. It's a sign of weakness. (Note: This is continuously told to Tony, Ziva and Tim through a smack to the back of their heads.)

Rule #7: Always be specific when you lie.

 Rule #8: Never take anything for granted.  (Note: This is re-quoted as "Never assume." by McGee to Gibbs six years later.)

Rule #9: Never go anywhere without a knife. (Sometimes listed as "Never leave home without a knife.")
Also quoted as "Always carry a knife."

Rule #10: Never get personally involved in a case. (Said by the SecNav to be Rule #1 in Washington politics.)

 Rule #11: When the job is done, walk away.

 Rule #12: Never date a co-worker.

Rule #13: Never, ever involve a lawyer.

Rule #15: Always work as a team.

Rule #16: If someone thinks they have the upper hand, break it.

Rule #18: It's better to seek forgiveness than ask permission.

Rule #22: Never, ever bother Gibbs in interrogation.

Rule #23: Never mess with a Marine's coffee... if you want to live.

Rule #27: There are two ways to follow someone. First way, they never notice you. Second way, they only notice you.

Rule #35: Always watch the watchers.

Rule #36: If you feel like you are being played, you probably are.

Rule #38: Your case, your lead.

Rule #39: There is no such thing as coincidence.

Rule #40: If it seems someone is out to get you, they are.

Rule #42: Never accept an apology from someone who just sucker punched you.

Rule #44: First things first, hide the women and children.

Rule #45: Clean up the mess that you make.  (Also stated as, "Never leave behind loose ends.")

Rule #51: Sometimes - you're wrong.
(This is written on the back of the card with Rule 13 (which Gibbs circles first) in the tin where Gibbs keeps the rules)

Rule #69: Never trust a woman who doesn't trust her man. 

Unnumbered Rules:
"Never date a woman that eats more than you do." - Singled Out, but Tony said it.

In my country, on my team, working my cases, my people don't bypass the chain of command.

The "Unspoken Rule" (Franks): You do what you have to do for family. (Season 8 Episode 1, NCIS; it is also used in Angel Season 4, Home episode and in Angel Season 5, Origin)

Don't work the system when you can work the people.

Don't stop checking and rechecking evidence until you are satisfied.

If you want to find something, you follow it. (Said by Gibbs to Mike Franks in "Deliverance," Episode 6.15. Gibbs then added, "I learned that one from you, Mike.")

Besides Rule 13, Gibbs has 6 other rules involving lawyers, but, according to DiNozzo, "You only need to know number 13; it's the umbrella one."

Never second guess yourself in a relationship and life.

so there.  i highlighted my favorite ones because they apply to my life or because they remind me of someone.  either way, these rules are very helpful in anyone's life and i'm glad that because of this show, i remember that i also have my own rules that i follow for my life.  i just need to make sure i remember and follow them.  

Monday, March 19, 2012

for a good cause

last night, i asked some of my friends to assail their ears for one night. i asked them to sit through comedy bar crap (i know it's an honest living and i do actually have friends who work as entertainers in these places whom i have high respect for - it is just really not for me so i apologize) while waiting for the benefit concert (me and a bunch of gay boy bands - again, i mean well. even though that was mean, donated our talents for a ten-year old boy battling bone cancer) to start.

it was nice to see them again. it is sad that there always has to be some sort of tragedy before you can see some of your most loved old friends again. just like when Karl Roy died, suddenly all of the lovely people whom we have not seen or heard of in a while resurface. i don't want to wait for someone to die before i can see and spend time with all of my friends. i don't want to wait to die before they know how much they mean to me or know how i mean to them. anyway, i digress.

i sang those songs (Whitney Houston's version of I Will Always Love You and Adele's One and Only) and thought of you. i know that i messed them up somewhere as my throat went dry. i was just really grateful that i got through it. it is just sad because the people whose approval i had always sought couldn't be there to see it. i know you're looking down on me, Mom, Dad. i hope i made you proud by putting those good genes you passed on to me to good use. i thank the Lord for giving that talent to use.


i'm hoping to do more benefit shows like that. of course, there's some sort of compromise that you have to do in order to get people to show up and let go of their hard-earned money just to see you hit a few high notes. which means, if i wanted to do my own show, i would have to sing feel good tunes. which i don't want hehehe.

guess that concert in my head will have to wait.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

loading up on dresses

when my Dad was still alive, i couldn't buy decent clothes because i gave him all my earnings and he thought that in order for my clothes to fit me, i should lose the weight.  so, when he died . . .

i got a membership in Marks and Spencer.

surprisingly, despite that membership, some of the prettier dresses i own, i still got from cheaper outlets.


while i can now afford to wear branded clothes, i feel especially prouder if i wear something i got from the ukay-ukay and people think that they're worth more than they are.  it means i look good in them that nobody can tell the difference.

i'm glad that people can't tell the difference.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

and i know this will all be over, as soon as i open my eyes

"farewell to my friends, i thought i'd leave you all behind . . . "


it was in 1997 when i first got introduced to Karl Roy and the music of P.O.T. we produced a show for them and another band, Sugar Hiccup, as it was for a college project. since then, i had been obsessed with the man and his music. i even infected my friends Beth and Tina and had them watch the band with me. of course, i wasn't that obsessed. i still had curfew. i listened to them when i could, saw him and his band when i could.

in March 1998 we learned that Karl needed to go through open heart surgery. we watched a benefit concert in his honor in this place called the Music Museum. there i saw the band Sandwich for the first time. i saw living legend Joey "Pepe" Smith perform with the Eraserheads. he was playing lasso with his microphone and hit Ely Buendia in the eye in the middle of Teacher's Enemy #1. we watched Basti Artadi perform P.O.T.'s Overload, Karl's brother Kevin perform Ulitin and the late Anabel Bosch sing Piece of This. my late father scolded me a lot back then for coming home late, but i thought it was worth it.

P.O.T. eventually disbanded and Karl formed the band Kapatid. the band was originally made up of some of the industry's heavyweights: Nathan Azarcon (Bamboo) on bass, J-Hoon Balbuena (Kjwan) on drums, Ira Cruz (Passage and Bamboo) on rhythm guitars and the late Chico Molina on lead guitars. they went on to make more great music. the band has seen a lot of line-up changes but has become a solid force in the music scene.

in March 2008, they had to hold another benefit concert for Karl because of multiple strokes he suffered. you have to admit, in the industry that Karl is in, it's hard not to be exposed to old habits of drinking and smoking and the heart can only take so much. as much as he was notoriously known for living the rock and roll lifestyle, he was still better known for the great music.

at 1.01am this morning, his sister Kathryn released an announcement in Facebook that Karl had already gone Home. he was such a brilliant and beautiful soul, very much devoted to his craft. he is an icon of our times who will forever be missed.

" . . . no more loneliness, no more emptiness, no more melancholy . . . "

photo courtesy of

Friday, March 09, 2012

angry girl journal 03.09.2012

it is upsetting to me that after i did everything i could for that company, all i got was this. i can't get over it. i can't get over the fact that after i took care of all those people. i got them everything they needed when they needed it even to the point that i was suffering but when it was my turn to go, nobody even bothered to send me off. and mind you, i have been sending off people. i took care of them and made them feel special. this is what i get.

and now you're asking me to do this for you because you're sending someone else off?! okay lang kayo?!?!?!?!


i'm not perfect. i'm not the brightest bulb in the planet, as my late father would say. i don't always get everything. but, one thing i can say about myself is that i do have common sense. one of the things i hate about this job is finding out that there are people way up there who don't have any.

kasalanan ko na lang lahat. sige na, kayo na ang magaling. wala na ko sinabi.

i always say that in order for me to effectively do my job, you have to do yours. and you have to do it well. because i give this and everything else that i do a hundred and ten percent. i am passionate about everything, even though it doesn't seem that way. why do you think the least of things frustrate me so much? it's because i give my everything to people and things. i make them feel like they matter. it's a bummer when they don't feel as strongly as i do or when i don't matter as much to them as they do to me. it is more frustrating to know that you're up there, you're supposed to know more than me, you're earning more than me, but then, you don't have the sense enough to know what this or that is. tsk tsk tsk

i am doing the best i can here. apparently, it is still not good enough.

Tuesday, March 06, 2012

reading extremely loud and incredibly close

over the weekend i bought a book for me and i got the same book for a friend for his birthday. i chose most of his books for him, i guess, and some of my books are still with him. that book is currently being shown in Manila already. the challenge was to finish the book before going to see the movie, which i know is very difficult for him because it is much easier for him to go watch than it is to finish reading a book.


i just finished the book a few hours ago. i am moved as much as i am disturbed by it. i'm surprised at how easily i finished it, but i made sure to enjoy every word.

the story is about a nine-year-old boy, Oskar Schell, an intellectually curious and sensitive child, with an active, and sometimes crippling, imagination. he lost his father to 9/11. upon finding a strange key inside a blue vase in his father's closet, he wanders New York, searching for its meaning. the book also tells the story of Oskar's paternal grandparents, their childhood, courtship, marriage, and separation before the birth of Oskar's father through a series of letters addressed to either Oskar or his father. i'm looking forward to seeing the movie, although i'm pretty sure it is every bit as depressing as the book, but every bit as meaningful to whoever reads it.

" . . . if things were easy to find, they wouldn't be worth finding . . ."

Sunday, March 04, 2012

another married guy again?

it saddens me that the only guys who hit on me are married ones or single younger guys who've had too much to drink.

like i keep saying: i don't believe in marriage. i don't think it's for me. i want to find someone but i don't think a piece of paper can prove anything. i respect the marriages of those who are and i do my best to protect their sanctity. i make sure that if they forget their vows, that i won't. so it really does pain me when husbands want to cheat on their wives and they want to do it with me. do i really look like i'm only good to be someone's paramour? it also pains me how insecure wives and girlfriends accuse me of trying to steal their men when i do my best to try to avoid situations like that.

1. i am on my last few days of my period - i believe that is self-explanatory;

2. YOU have had a lot to drink. it will take us forever but i don't think that tool of yours will rise to the occasion;

3. i work in the same company as you, AND YOUR WIFE;

4. calling me "brainy" doesn't really get me to bed. even the ones who call me "beautiful" don't have it that easy;

5. do you really think you're THAT good that i will miss half of my life if i don't go to bed with you?

so, sorry. i AM flattered, but the answer is "NO".

my friend and i like this song. he's told me about it and i heard the original version and i heard the laid back acoustic version and i love it. i hope to sing it in his wedding someday.

The Story
Brandi Carlile

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you

I climbed across the mountain tops
Swam all across the ocean blue
I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules
But baby I broke them all for you
Because even when I was flat broke
You made me feel like a million bucks
You do
I was made for you

You see the smile that's on my mouth
It's hiding the words that don't come out
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess
No, they don't know who I really am
And they don't know what
I've been through like you do
And I was made for you...

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you

sadly, it will not be sung in my wedding. because i won't have one. and because i don't believe in marriage. and because i don't have someone who will make me want to believe in marriage. i don't have someone period.