Wednesday, February 29, 2012

pleasantly surprised

someone looks happy to see me.

it's just like Valentine's day. you were sweet. i don't understand why.

i don't understand why you even have to ask. you know what the answer is. if anything, it should be me asking. you disappear and i can't even ask you where you are. i don't have a right to ask you where you are, even when you told me that i could, or that i should.

i love what we have. it is not the most ideal but i will work with what i have.

i'm not going to ask you anything.

***

i feel bad that you didn't make it again. i know this is important to you. it would've been nice since it's your birthday this coming Friday. i'm so sorry.

i miss your company. i miss how we would talk and fight like an old married couple. i miss being comfortable with you. but now i'll never know how great this friendship would've been or if there was more to that. i always think about it: did i let you go away? or did you let me go away? did you ever think of me that way? did you think of us that way?

guess i'll never know.

***

you're here now. but i haven't done anything to try to see you. i've been wanting to see you for a while but i know it would be hard since we don't work in the same company anymore and it's a stretch for either of us (mostly on my end) if i insisted on wanting to see you. i've missed you so much.

i know there's nothing there. i would see you and you would see me but there are no sparks. i had wished there were but i know life is too complicated for both of us (mostly on your end) to even think that there was something going on there.

i am happy that i have you in my life. i am happy that when i reach out to you and time permits, you would respond even when you're miles away.

***

last Sunday, i had an accident. i tripped, fell and landed badly on the ground. caused me two bruises on my knee and one just right above my right elbow. and my friend is getting married next Monday and my bruises haven't healed. ugh.

i joke about my dead parents pushing me because i was jogging in the cemetery where they were buried and i didn't bother to bring them flowers.

i remember you. i think about you all the time. not visiting doesn't mean not remembering. it just means i'm trying my best to let go. and move on.