Monday, January 23, 2012

something confused Christians and non-believers should see


last night i saw the play, Next Fall. the story is about two men in a committed relationship, Luke, the devoutly religious one, and Adam, an atheist,and how they make their five-year relationship work despite their differences. when an accident occurs, Adam turns to Luke's family for support.

during my three-year relationship with M, we didn't agree on a lot of things. most of the times, the other just gives in to avoid arguments, but she and i didn't have any conflicts about religion. God was the center of our life. of course, our relationship wasn't by definition, normal or conventional but God being the center of it was what kept us together for the most part, despite my strict father, despite law school, despite public scrutiny and everything else. that and the fact that we really loved each other then.

i find it sad that i have friends who have internal conflicts because they feel they are disobeying God if they admit to being gay. i find it sad that despite how open our society is right now to homosexuality, there are still people who are ignorant and treat it as a disease.

this play doesn't attempt to solve all those. but what it does is open our eyes, when we choose to close them. this is it, this is real. just because it isn't conventional it doesn't mean that it is any less real than heterosexual love. true, it doesn't eliminate hate, but it teaches understanding and tolerance.

i really hate it when people want to see me because "they're bored". i'd rather sleep than be somebody else's pastime. i hate it when people use Christianity as an excuse to not admitting to be gay. i don't like to judge people but i don't like hypocrites either. i hate it when people don't call you because they're concerned about you, but because they're more concerned about themselves.

if i don't want to be found, i won't.

i value you as a friend, but all this pretending has to stop.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

people have done stranger things for less

"thank you for reminding me that the only way someone like you would go out with me is if he was forced to!"says Roopi (Goldy Notay) to Raj (Sendhil Ramamurthy - yes, Dr. Suresh from Heroes) after she finds out that he is spying on her in the movie, It's a Wonderful Afterlife.


the movie is about an Indian mother's obsession to marry off her only daughter Roopi, after she finds out that she is dying of cancer. she uses her culinary skills to avenge the failed dates since her daughter is plump and opinionated. the five people she killed came back as spirits to haunt her; they cannot crossover to the afterlife until she dies. so all five spirits, along with the mother, try to find a suitable husband for her, the best candidate being the Sergeant investigating the case of the killer curry. of course, she's the prime suspect. she and her mother.

i'm not even going to get into how disappointed i am that movies set in India get recognized in other countries while the only way Indie Filipino films can get media attention is if it's too violent, or too homosexual. i don't understand it. we should have our rom-coms shown in Star Movies too. otherwise, why do people keep following John Lloyd Cruz for? why is he earning so much? we should have My Amnesia Girl syndicated into the Asian region.

anyway, i digress. i love how funny this movie is. it gives me hope in a way, since Goldy Notay gained weight for this role and lost it all back. in this movie, the smart fat girl gets the guy. her skinny best friend's fiance falls for her too. i like to believe that it's not just good looks that make a girl attractive. sometimes it is nice to know, despite experiencing so many precedents, that we can get the smart attractive guy, that he'll choose us over the ditsy waif. even if our mothers have to murder people in order for us to have a love life. of course, i don't have parents anymore so i'm merely relying on Divine Intervention. many of the classics we read about were based on death for love, whether if it's love of country, love of family, love in general. but i have seen people do worse things for less. so why not love?

Sunday, January 15, 2012

if this were a cassette tape, i would only listen to side a


so i dragged my friends over to McKinley Hill in the Fort. i almost didn't want to go, but since it was my idea to watch the album launch, i had to show up.

i wish i didn't.

i wanted to see the bands. unfortunately, the bands performed at Eastwood the other night when i had work and they reserve the boring pop and bossa nova cover people for The Fort. let me guess, the artists are supposed to match the, uh, crowd?

it didn't really work for me. it's bad enough that the album is all about covering 90s hits, but the artists who performed on that show made money doing covers.

i also don't see the point of strumming a guitar when you're being accompanied by a minus-one.

i'm looking at the line up and while i like all the songs, the first seven songs (yes, the ones covered by the bands and alternative artist Miguel Escueta - he is under acceptable norms, an "alternative artist") are the only ones worth listening to in this album. for the other half, i recommend listening to the songs in their original state.

the only good thing about being out last night is seeing Scotty (he was the host) and having a picture taken with him. i felt so bad that he kept on talking on stage and nobody was paying attention. but i guess he knows that it's part of being the host's job.

i didn't really like Scotty at first. of course, i first heard him on air while looking for an alternative radio station after NU107 closed down so i hated everything and everyone i listened to. i thought he was a Filipino trying so hard to fake a Scottish accent. it turns out, he is a Scottish guy who's trying to adjust his accent so that his Filipino listeners can understand him. chances are, if he spoke in his native Scottish tongue, you wouldn't get a word out.


i still love Russ Davis, Mondo, Francis Brew and all the DJs from NU107 who are now working for DigRadio. but that's the point, i'm not online all the time so i have to find other alternatives. hence, the fascination for Scotty and this other DJ, Gino Quillamor.

some other time.

Friday, January 13, 2012

dear kidney

i know you're in pain right now, i can feel it. i will have you checked, just not right now. there's just so many things i need to do. and i know you, along with the rest of my body, should come first. i just don't have the time right now. i know i should make time for you. i just can't.

it's just you and me. we can't rely on anybody else. we don't have anyone else. so you can't give up on me, you can't give out on me. you have to be strong for me so i can work. i promise after all this is done, i will have you checked. i will take care of you and not the disease that causes you pain.

i just need to finish this visit, and these projects and i will gladly have myself admitted to the hospital. i know the dangers of not getting you and me checked right away, but i can't leave my work unfinished. it's a lousy excuse, i know. but i have nothing, no one to come back to anyway. so i might as well make sure nobody's going to bug me when i do get confined. i'd rather get things done now and take this long vacation in the hospital than get checked now and have to rush getting well because they need me to be there at work.

besides, we have no one to rely on. no one will take me to the hospital. no one will take care of me while i'm there. NO ONE WILL VISIT.

it's sad when the person to notify in case you're in an emergency is dead. or asleep.

it's just you and me. so cooperate. this too shall pass.

Friday, January 06, 2012

angry girl journal 01.06.2012

i'm pissed off that i have to fix a problem left by my really lazy predecessor.  i have to start over and organize everything. again.  talk about proper transitioning.


i'm pissed off that my "best friend" uses me as an excuse to go to her girlfriend but she never seemed to have the time to come over the first two years that my dad died. what if i really get sick? how is she going to go to me then since i've "been sick" already?  real friends aren't supposed to do that.

i'm pissed that i couldn't go to M's father's funeral. i'm pissed that i didn't have enough time to and that people around her will make me feel bad that i couldn't go.

i couldn't go because my friend's girlfriend is sick (see above) and my friend needed someone to be with her girlfriend in her absence. she used me as her alibi to be with her girlfriend. i lost so much time and now i cannot go to M's father's funeral.

i am sad because M was there when my father died and i kinda figured she forced her friends to go with her to be with me and comfort me at that time of my life.  so i really feel bad that i am not there for her now.

M and i fell out of love because i cheated on her.  she was sick all the time, she didn't know how to manage her finances and i needed someone to take care of me and stand up for me.  i see these things happening with my friend and her girlfriend right now and it pisses me off.  because things were shitty with M and me before but we never tried to inconvenience anybody else, except maybe those who really wanted to meddle with our lives.

this is all just very frustrating.  

Sunday, January 01, 2012

oh, it's a new year alright

i'm not the girl that guys court, swoon over, sing songs and give flowers to.  i'm not the girl they go out of their way to research on - like for favorite things and stuff.  i'm not the girl they marry.  i'm the girl they keep around when they need money, or sleep with.  i'm the girl they have friends with.  nobody wants to be with me.  nobody thinks i'm special enough.  nobody cares.

but i take care of everybody.  nobody wants to take care of me.

happy new year, bels.