Sunday, December 30, 2012

angry girl journal 12.30.2012

so this is how it's going to be?  you're really not going to talk to me?  what did i do to you?

okay, i know what i did.

i said i was sorry.  i said i didn't mean to.  i also said that i know enough to know not to go to your house when i'm drunk or vulnerable.  or both.  you know what happens next.  i hate that we don't get to talk anymore.  i hate that i miss you and because of that, because of my stupidity, i can't run to you anymore.

i don't have anyone to run to anymore.

i really value your friendship and it hurts me to know that you're mad at me.  it hurts to know that we can't be  that way anymore considering it took a while for me to get over us not being the other way, you know.

i really miss you.  we need to catch up.  it's been a while.

we need to talk.

can we talk?


Thursday, December 27, 2012

still a rocker i am

i came across the 27th Annual Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame Induction Ceremony over at HBO so instead of going to sleep because i have work tonight, i ended up watching it.

i'm glad i did.

they recently inducted the Red Hot Chili Peppers to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and that made me really happy.  i know that aside from BloodSugarSexMagik  (where Under the Bridge and Give It Away - my late Dad's favorite, came from) and their more recent albums, i'm not exactly that hardcore a fan as the other people i know, but i do follow their music and i appreciate it.

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in this photo:  inductee Anthony Kiedis, inductee Jack Irons, inductee Cliff Martinez, inductee Chad Smith, inductee Josh Klinghoffer, inductee Michael Balzary aka Flea

i've always had this thing for guitarists and i noticed (because i haven't been paying attention for a while) that John Frusciante has left the band again, although he's still sober and there is no bad blood between him and the other band members and he has been replaced by his friend and frequent collaborator Josh Klinghoffer.  without comparing, since i am not in the position to say who is a better guitarist, as it is all about the music, i just have to say, that i have fallen in love with Josh :)

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look at that nose


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yep, i do tend to gravitate towards attractive, talented men like that.

anyhow, i digress.  after watching the 2012 Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, i realized how much i love the music and no matter how old i get, i will always be drawn to it and grateful to the people who do what they can to share their God-given talents to energize that industry.

and of course, because rockers are always hot.

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

115 places in Manila where you can find great food

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Alicia Sy's Eat Out Now

my friend recently gave me a book for Christmas, called Eat Out Now, by Alicia Sy.  he said that since my other friends and i liked to eat out, and i am in the "business" of suggesting to people where they could eat, the book would be very helpful.  it actually is, although i did notice that some of the places i like to go to aren't there.  maybe the blog already featured it because that's where the idea for the book was based.  the book also features essays from other writers who like to eat (or food bloggers) so it's very insightful. it also takes into consideration your budget :)

i obviously like to eat and i am open to trying new things whenever i can, so this book is a great help.  of course, it doesn't stop with the one hundred fifteen restaurants in Manila mentioned there, but it's a start.

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

not so angry right now

i did mention here before that every once in a while, you have the ability to surprise me.  you can be sweet when i least expect you to.

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this is one of those times.

thank you for making the effort.  i really appreciate it.

Friday, December 21, 2012

angry girl journal 12.21.2012

apparently the world doesn't end today.

i just finished reading the second part of Letters from Zedelghem, the second story from the book Cloud Atlas.  i remember crying in that part of the movie too, where he kills himself and the love of his life didn't get there on time to save him.

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i really loved their story.

then i remembered you.  i remember that day.  i remember because one of us has to, because it was so easy for you to forget how i almost lost you, how you almost gave up - and i was the one you called.

"I believe there is another world waiting for us . . . a better world.  and I'll be waiting for you there."

- Robert Frobisher

i really loved that line in the film, and the part where Robert hides in the tower from Rufus, because he's happy just seeing him, looking at him from afar.  i love the part in the book where he says in his letter before he bids farewell, "we both know in our hearts who is the sole love of my short, bright life"

i've had suicidal tendencies ever since i was in sixth grade.  i still have days when i want to cut myself even though i know how wrong it is or how bad it's going to make people who love me feel.  there are just days when i feel really, really bad  and i have to fight myself each time i feel like wanting to get a blade and slash my wrists.  when i read this part about Robert Frobisher killing himself, it reminded of those feelings and how i am glad i can overcome those feelings whenever i do have them.  regardless of one's belief in a Higher Power, i know enough to know that it is a selfish way out.  we often say it's the "easy way out" but it doesn't change anything and while i like his argument about it not being a weak act, and believe me, it is a strong and convincing one,  it is not something i would consider doing again, nor something that i would want for you.

it just makes sure i don't forget.  because you already have.

suicide according to Robert Frobisher

in his last letter to Rufus Sixsmith, Robert argued that killing one's self is not a weak act.  it made me cry somehow, considering it is a thought that has crossed my mind numerous times.

"A true suicide is a paced, disciplined certainty. People pontificate, "Suicide is selfishness." Career churchmen like Pater go a step further and call in a cowardly assault on the living. Oafs argue this specious line for varying reason: to evade fingers of blame, to impress one's audience with one's mental fiber, to vent anger, or just because one lacks the necessary suffering to sympathize. Cowardice is nothing to do with it - suicide takes considerable courage. Japanese have the right idea. No, what's selfish is to demand another to endure an intolerable existence, just to spare families, friends, and enemies a bit of soul-searching. The only selfishness lies in ruining strangers' days by forcing 'em to witness a grotesqueness.”* 

i can't promise that i won't try to kill myself again. but he has a point.


*taken from the second part of Letters from Zedelghem, Cloud Atlas, written by David Mitchell

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

angry girl journal 12.11.2012

while cleaning my workstation last night, i found this newspaper that i got from the MRT station dated December 27 of last year.

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i'm a Virgo. i rarely used lipstick last year and whatever would've happened, hasn't.  not to mention, i haven't gotten the return on my "investment."

oh well.

Monday, December 10, 2012

the other hot guys in court

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i recently discovered this drama-comedy and i found it very amusing.  Suits is currently on a very long season break (we get the reruns) so i was very happy when i caught this on TV.

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people may argue that Suits is the better show of the two, but i can actually say that F&B isn't that bad.  the first is humorous but it mostly follows a drama format while the latter is a funny legal procedural.  Franklin and Bash are a pair of unconventional lawyers and longtime friends who try to make a difference in the legal system.  it reminds me of Ally McBeal.  Harvey Specter and Mike Ross are hot and they're very brilliant lawyers.  but if i were ever to be one, i would like to be like Franklin and Bash.  seriously.  they're funny, they're brilliant and they do their best to help those in need of protection of the law, despite the fact that they're now backed by a major law firm.  they don't forget their roots.

angry girl journal 12.09.2012: ever had the feeling you were ran over?

Jade got married yesterday.

don't get me wrong, i don't have feelings for him anymore.  it just makes me think.  all of them are married now:  Link, Jade, Alex.  i've moved on from them but i haven't gotten over the fact that these men were all with me at some point and they knew how much i felt for them but they never saw an ending with me.  they just used me for a "test run".  the worst part of it is that i wasn't this screwed up when they were with me. i wasn't this screwed up period.  we all had issues with our parents so i don't think i was that bad. i just got screwed up after being with them.

i remember that day.  it was a few days short of my 29th birthday.  i went to see a gig and i could tell how upset he was because of his recent discovery of his then-girlfriend's past.  he hated the idea that while performing there would be a guy in the audience that had had sex with his girlfriend; that had he not pursued her, he would've been just a number in her list of one-night stands.  i explained to his then "inexperienced heart"  that people need that, that they do that to get by, to move on, to be stronger.  so many men have led on women to bed with the promise of forever, only to jump to the next pair of open legs, so why can't she?  haven't YOU had meaningless passionate sex with someone you don't care about just so you could feel alive?  besides, him passing judgment on her for being supposedly "unclean" meant he passed judgment on me too.  was i not deserving of the love of a decent man who was to accept and embrace my past, present and make a better future with me?

he then responded with his Kosovo analogy (or was it Serbia?  can't remember anymore), wherein he stated that he didn't have to deal with me; whereas if he were to accept her, that would be bringing the "war"  over here.  he even asked how i could do it, how i could act like nothing happened.  it took some getting used to, thanks to Link.  needless to say, he has come a long way from that conversation.  they stayed together for a while longer,  with him sleeping around behind her back.

i was pretty broken at the time.  all those bottled up feelings for him suddenly came out again for no apparent reason and i found myself falling for him again, not being able to play the role of a friend because i was too busy pining for him.

that's done.  years later and i have moved on, although i was caught off guard when i saw him and his wife when i went to meet my other friends today.  i still support his band and if he needed me, i would still be there.  but there are no more if-only-i-did-this-then-maybe-he-would-haves.  if he wanted me (and believe me, there was a time when he was pretty persistent about wanting me, or my body, at least), he knew where to find me.  i was right there but he never saw me that way.  i was never on his radar no matter how long i've been around in his life.

seriously, i don't get it:  they showed me some amount of respect, but they didn't respect me enough.  i wasn't good enough.  i didn't even exist.

i know what it feels, i know what it's like when you love someone and he doesn't bother to thank you for all you've done because he doesn't even see you.

it wasn't Jade's marriage that ran me over, but the fact that he left me with that statement, that state of being not good enough.  of course, we can argue that maybe he's not worth it and i deserve someone better but that's the point:  no one's coming and no one wants to be better for me.  that ran me over.

i hope you are happy.  i hope that you continue to be blessed.  i hope that someday, i could be as happy and as blessed as you.

Sunday, December 09, 2012

our lives are not our own

while i didn't follow the Matrix trilogy, i did watch Inception.

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so i get it.

i haven't finished reading the book but i jumped at the chance to see the movie Cloud Atlas because ever since seeing the trailer, i have been anticipating it.  i was so amazed i even searched long and hard for the book. aside from the music that makes my eyes swell up every time i hear it, Jim Sturgess got me addicted to the trailer.  seriously, before this movie, i never saw him as an action hero.  he was to me, the asshole Dexter from One Day who doesn't realize how much Emma loves him until it's too late.  here in Cloud Atlas, he is a man with a mission.

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in order to make the movie cohesive, there is a comet-shaped birthmark in the main character for each of the six stories to make them intertwine. i haven't encountered in my readings any of the characters to have the birthmark, or maybe there is, i just haven't gotten to that part yet.  the book is made up of six stories, all cut in the middle for the reader from the next story to look for while reading, thereby showing the connection of the stories to each other.  the premise of the book and its film adaptation is that all of us are connected, we all keep committing the same mistake every time we reoccur in life and somehow, we still end up being with the someone meant for us.

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i especially liked the love story between Rufus Sixsmith and Robert Frobisher and that of Sonmi 451 and Hae-Joo Chang. i loved how these two love stories get portrayed in the movie, and while i know it's a big spoiler as i read the book, i look forward to reading the book even more because of knowing it.  the novel itself deals with a lot of issues:  homosexuality, slavery, revolution, suicide, among other things, although when you see the trailer you just think it's a romantic film that discusses reincarnation, and how you end being with the same person you love in another place and time.  it helps that Jim Sturgess stars alongside other big name actors such as Halle Berry, Tom Hanks, Susan Sarandon, Ben Whishaw, James D'Arcy and Jim Broadbent;  there's also Hugo Weaving and Hugh Grant who play mostly villains in all six stories (except maybe in the fourth story where Hugo plays a woman) and Doona Bae who is his love interest in the first and fifth stories. i found it amusing that the actors play different roles in all six stories, and i gave myself a prize when i recognize one of them.

i'm hoping to see it again, i'm hoping to finish the book to look for the parts in the movie i loved the best.  i know it will make me cry, but i look forward to it anyway. the movie has a lot of great quotes and the parts i've read in the book so far has the same as well.

i wonder who i will connect with in the next life . . .

Tuesday, December 04, 2012

angry girl journal 12.04.2012

aside from the watery eyes and the clogged nose, i woke up from a dream where i got married.

i got married!

everyone was in black.  i had no idea who any of them were, except that the traffic was bad and i was feeling very much ochlophobic.  i really wanted to run away from the groom - he looked an awful lot like Ryan Reynolds but i was scared shitless to marry him.  i don't know why considering i have this humongous crush on Ryan Reynolds.  since it was very difficult for me to walk away, i ended up saying "I do" and he did too, although, he seemed to be as clueless as i was.

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in my thirty-five years of existence, i've only had three marriage proposals.  they were all from lesbians.

oh,  there was one.  he said he would stand up for me and take me out of my predicament.  but he disappeared. when he resurfaced, he was courting my friend.

most of the men in my life are either already married, engaged to be married or living in with someone.  it's weird because none of them ever really considered i was worth marrying, but i was worthy enough for a "test drive".  funny, i don't have a sign on my head that says, "GOOD FOR SEX ONLY" or "LOANING COMPANY".

maybe that's why most of them are in black.  the day i get married, is the day i die.  it'll never happen.  because i'm not worthy.

Sunday, December 02, 2012

my favorite Survivor Philippines castaway

it's been a while since i last followed Survivor.  you think that when we had the Philippine version that i would follow it but i didn't.  but i am following the season that they are doing here in the Philippines. and i am loving it.

there are three tribes:  Matsing (monkey), Kalabaw (water buffalo) and Tandang  (rooster), made up of fifteen new players and three returning players who were initially pulled out of the game because of medical reasons.  when they merged, their name became Dangrayne which is a pun on "damned rain" which the castaways all experienced when they were here in the island. like it was a big deal. wussies.  lol.

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my favorite is Malcolm. i really like the way he is playing the game so far.  he and Denise are the only two castaways from the original Matsing tribe who survived the merge.  they have been separated and reunited and he has shown what a formidable contender he is, both physically and mentally.  i also found it amazing that he has a big heart.  a recent episode showed that part of their reward was to deliver school supplies and toys to a village in Caramoan, Camarines Sur; and i really liked it when he said that it reminded him of something that he used to do back in the US, that he started something there and doing this again, reminded him of who he was and why he loved playing the game in the first place.  currently working as a bartender in the US, he said he missed doing charity work back home and was glad that he could do this out here.

of course, it also helps that he's gorgeous and smart, that's why i love him.  i hope he wins.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Beastly: you wish it were true, but it's not

i first heard about the poem Having a Coke with You through the movie Beastly.  Kyle, as Hunter, wanted to  impress Lindy by pretending that they were having a class under tutor Neil Patrick Harris.  of course it blows up in his face when he finds out it's one of her favorite poems and while he likes it, he feels awkward reading it with her.

Having a Coke with You

is even more fun than going to San Sebastian, IrĂșn, Hendaye, Biarritz, Bayonne
or being sick to my stomach on the Travesera de Gracia in Barcelona
partly because in your orange shirt you look like a better happier St. Sebastian
partly because of my love for you, partly because of your love for yoghurt
partly because of the fluorescent orange tulips around the birches
partly because of the secrecy our smiles take on before people and statuary
it is hard to believe when I’m with you that there can be anything as still
as solemn as unpleasantly definitive as statuary when right in front of it
in the warm New York 4 o’clock light we are drifting back and forth
between each other like a tree breathing through its spectacles

and the portrait show seems to have no faces in it at all, just paint
you suddenly wonder why in the world anyone ever did them

I look
at you and I would rather look at you than all the portraits in the world
except possibly for the Polish Rider occasionally and anyway it’s in the Frick
which thank heavens you haven’t gone to yet so we can go together the first time
and the fact that you move so beautifully more or less takes care of Futurism
just as at home I never think of the Nude Descending a Staircase or
at a rehearsal a single drawing of Leonardo or Michelangelo that used to wow me
and what good does all the research of the Impressionists do them
when they never got the right person to stand near the tree when the sun sank
or for that matter Marino Marini when he didn’t pick the rider as carefully
as the horse

it seems they were all cheated of some marvelous experience
which is not going to go wasted on me which is why I am telling you about it

Frank O’Hara

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***
i liked the movie.  it is a retelling of the fairy tale Beauty and the Beast.  in the movie, as he struggles to get her to love him, he realizes how selfish he was in the past and tries to make up for it.  the story in itself is a classic, but it's also a big joke.  it doesn't happen in real life.  more often than not, if not for some big tragedy, people won't admit to their mistakes and will keep doing what they know fully well to be wrong and hurtful to somebody.  they won't change until they get hurt themselves.  we don't get attracted to other people because they're pure of heart, we get attracted to them because they're hot.

in the end, in real life, the skinny dumb mean girl still gets the guy over the nice ugly fat girl.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

another one of them songs that brings tears to my eyes

over dinner, while discussing our friend Beth's wedding,  my friend Chris made me listen to this song by Grace Potter and the Nocturnals.  it's one of them songs that we have in our kabigti-bigti laslas pulso* playlist.  when i listened to it, he was right.  the song is beautiful, sonorous and very heart-wrenching.  that it is in my voice range is merely a coincidence :)

Stars
Grace Potter and the Nocturnals


I lit a fire with the love you left behind
And it burned wild and crept up the mountain side
I followed your ashes into outer space
I can't look out the window, I can't look at this place.
I can't look at the stars
They make me wonder where you are
Stars, up on heaven's boulevard
And if I know you at all, I know you've gone too far
So I, I can't look at the stars.
All those times we looked up at the sky
Looking out so far, it felt like we could fly

And now I'm all alone in the dark of night
And the moon is shining, but I can't see the light.
And I can't look at the stars
They make me wonder where you are
Stars, up on heaven's boulevard
And if I know you at all, I know you've gone too far
So I, I can't look at the stars.
Stars
Stars, they make me wonder where you are
Stars, up on heaven's boulevard
And if I know you at all, I know you've gone too far
So I can't look at the stars. 

***

there are days when i think i can't be here anymore, and it's mostly because of you.  it's bad enough that i already feel lonely because of all my problems but you made me feel that i am never good enough for anything, no matter what i say or do.  i know that my self-worth is not dependent on your approval considering you are not flawless yourself and we both know that you are not good for me.  you do not deserve me.  i keep telling myself that but i wait on you anyway. it has to stop somewhere.  i can't always be there for someone whom i have no assurance will be there for me when it's my turn to need help.  

so I, I can't look at the stars.

*literally self-hanging, wrist-slashing.  

Saturday, November 24, 2012

angry girl journal 11.24.2012

i really wanted to see you.  i have been longing to see you since i didn't get a chance to hang out with you the last time you were here. and it has been so long.

i didn't expect anything to happen between us, although it crossed my mind.  after all, you did mention that you noticed the skirts.  but that's the way you always talked to me so i figured it was never going to happen.  like you said, a lot of Filipinas have tried but none have succeeded.   besides, more than anything, i love our talks.  our conversations were always interesting and funny and i learn a lot from you.  you give me words of wisdom every chance you get and i might not always like what i hear, but i know it comes from the heart.  i know you love me, that you want me to be happy.  i know you mean well.

so when you said that i should stop chasing after people who will only hurt me, i knew you were right.  you called me "damaged", but the kind that fixes itself.  you said that i should stay away from people who are equally damaged but who needed other people to fix them, like him.  you said that i deserved better.  you also said that i should take a vacation, go somewhere i'd be uncomfortable, get out of my comfort zone, to not be afraid.

the funny part is, you also know that i will say, "yes, i will do it", just to shut you up so you pushed even harder so that i will be challenged enough to actually do it.

you know what, YOU'RE RIGHT.  

and yes, i know i will thank you later.

***

you just had to text me when i was with him.  you just had to, didn't you?

Monday, November 12, 2012

Skyfall: one of the best Bond movies i have seen

i think i saw the last Bond movie with my Dad when he was still alive. i saw this movie alone on my day off.

i grew up watching Bond movies and our family made sure to watch each and every one.  my favorite has to be A View to a Kill, with Roger Moore, but i love it because of Christopher Walken who plays the villain in the film. i loved the music they used for all the films.  i especially liked it when Pierce Brosnan played James Bond.  i loved all his movies.  he was so hot and like Sean Connery, when you thought of James Bond, he would come up like a pop-up box.

when Daniel Craig became the new James Bond, it took some getting used to.  he was the first blonde Bond and while he still had the swagger and the really dry Brit accent, he didn't fit the tall, dark, handsome image of the Bond i got accustomed.

most of the previous Bond films were about war and world domination, revenge.  Skyfall is no different.

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what makes me say that this is one of the best Bond movies i have seen is the fact that Daniel Craig totally embraced it, for me.  sure, it's still violent (though not as violent as the other films), it's still about revenge and espionage but this one shocked me, amazed me and made me think.  we are in the age where Big Brother watches our every move, everything seems to be flowing smoothly and it would make you wonder if we still needed Her Majesty's Secret Service for anything.  it made James Bond, the man, question his decisions, his life as an assassin.  as Craig himself describes his portrayal of the role, is he a good guy or is he a bad guy who works for the good side?  by the end of the film, you know where he stands but it still makes you question the man and the job.

Skyfall bids farewell to Dame Judi Dench as M and gets Ralph Fiennes as the new M, Ben Whishaw as the new MI6 quartermaster Q and Javier Bardem as the main antagonist, Raoul Silva.  don't even get me started with his character.  he is creepy and he didn't even need a white furry cat or metal teeth to be one.

minus time constraints, i would've wanted to see Skyfall again, before they fill all the theaters with that pathetic vampire movie.  watching the movie made me feel like a kid again, with my Dad smoking a cigarette while drinking Coca Cola and my Mom covering my eyes when Daniel Craig had his top off.  good times.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

angry girl journal 11.11.2012

a lot of people tell me that i never stop to think about what i say first before saying them. you should hear what people say to me. it kinda makes you think if they ever stopped to think about what they said first before they finally blurt it out to hurt my feelings.

***

i don't pretend to be somebody i'm not.  you can only lie about your flaws for so long.  of course, i try to improve myself but that's the point, i don't even make it easy for people i actually like.  i do have a tendency to push people away.  it's a gift. i try to make sense of things.  i try to make it better for me and the people around me.  i try to keep myself a little saner so i don't scare the people at work.   the one time that i do want to pull someone, he doesn't love me back, so i don't really bother anymore.  does that make sense?

Saturday, November 10, 2012

angry girl journal 11.10.2012

i've been collecting the Starbucks planners since 2004.  it's a very expensive planner considering to get it, you have to buy loads of coffee and you only use it for the first few months of the year and then it goes to storage.  ningas kogon is a Filipino trait which i picked up, unfortunately.


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the 2012 Starbucks planner

this year's planner, the 2012 planner is probably the ugliest of them but the one that carries the most memories.  it's been the most filled up planner that i have:  pictures, bus tickets, movie tickets, play tickets, dinner receipts, deposit slips, post-it notes, letters you gave me.  it pretty much gives a recollection of our life this year and the years before that.  everything that's happened with you and me is documented there like a scrapbook.  every page has some sort of caption of what you and i went through:  what i felt, what i did, what you did, what hurt me, what hurt you, EVERYTHING.  

pretty deadly if it went in the wrong hands.  lol.

anyway, this planner also documents how i have been as a person.  it is a reminder that the everyday is a new day and that maybe the next day, the next week, the next month, the next year, the next planner, the next life will be better.

every moment is an opportunity to be better.  even just through the pages of a Starbucks planner.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Ten Reasons why YOU are NOT your crush's crush

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i recently bought this book by Ramon Bautista, which i guess, is a compilation of all the questions and answers he got from his Twitter and Formspring accounts.  it's very entertaining and humorous.  you'd be surprised at the type of questions he gets asked and the answers he provides.  it also comes with a free notebook.

anyway, according to Ramon Bautista, these are the ten reasons why you are not your crush's crush*:
1.  you're ugly.

2.  you have a bad attitude.

3.  you are already taken.

4.  he/she is already taken.

5.  he/she is gay.

6.  your horoscopes don't match.

7.  you seem okay but his/her friends have already said bad things to him/her about you.

8.  you are high maintenance.

9.  you like the TV shows that he/she doesn't like.

10.  you are not on his/her radar, a.k.a.  he/she just doesn't notice you.

it's a pretty good read when you're stuck in traffic and you don't have wifi on your phone.  it's just that when you've reached my age, you just don't want to know why your crush doesn't like you.  you just don't.

as Jessica Zafra stated in Chicken Pox for the Soul (in essence), if he/she does not like you (or was it come back to you?), it must be destroyed.  

*translated in english because i am assuming i have people not from PHL who bother to read this.  

Sunday, October 28, 2012

angry girl journal 10.28.2012

i choose to stay no matter how hurt i am because i love you.  i'm not just in love with you, i love you.  my romantic feelings will go away eventually (i'm hoping sooner than later) but i will always be there for you because i love you.  the things i hate about you are also the things i love about you.  it's not an obsession or blind devotion, because i still know enough to stand up to you when you're wrong.  whether you see or know how much i feel about you doesn't matter because i know that when i close that chapter of you in my life, i have no regrets.

Friday, October 26, 2012

angry girl journal 10.26.2012

it's amazing how he can see me and you can't when he's just passing through and you've been with me almost everyday of my life


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but i'm hoping he will stay, though.

Saturday, October 20, 2012

giving back by way of planting trees

i really didn't want to go.  seriously.  i already made plans for the night.  plus, i knew you were going so i didn't want to.  not that it means anything.  not going means not getting hurt seeing you.  plus, if you went and i didn't,  i get to keep my breasts.

it was an opportunity for me to give back for all the cigarettes i smoked and a chance to hang out.  i like hanging out with you.   regardless of what's going on (or not going on) right now, it doesn't change the fact that i like hanging out with you.


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i went anyway.  it felt good to go.  i'm really glad i went.  it made me feel good inside, no matter how bad the sun was on my neck.  we started digging and segregating trash and nobody gave attitude.  everyone was just there to help make it happen, make this world a better place.

i'm never going to let my fear get in the way of what i want to do, what i enjoy doing.  it's not much in the bigger scheme of things, but it's a start. i may be a bitch, and smoke a lot, but i care about this world, just as much as anybody else and i will try to help as much as i can.

they say that when you try avoid people, your world starts being smaller.  i care about this world more than i'd like to admit, and more than i care about you, even though you mean the world to me.  does that make sense? so i won't let anything come between me and my little contribution to making this world a better place.  besides,  you made me really proud today :)

Thursday, October 11, 2012

because i have so much l♥ve (blood) to give . . .

i've always wanted to know what it feels like to donate blood.  i know i can donate considering how healthy (?) i am  and how healthier it would make me when i did.  not to mention the intangible altruistic feeling that came with being able to help out somebody who needed it.

there was this question i had difficulty answering during the screening and i think you know what it is but i'm glad i was able to donate blood despite of it.  and save face.

we had visitors coming in yesterday so i really wanted to get it over with.  not that the task didn't mean anything to me, i just thought i didn't need to rest that long afterwards.  i had somewhere i needed to be.  darn audit.

and this is my prize for not being scared of the needle:


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i was kinda dizzy as the shift progressed but that was from too much running around in heels with no sustenance whatsoever.  i made up for it when i did.

i know i whine a lot because sometimes,  someone who doesn't deserve it gets commended  and i am overlooked, but now that i've donated blood, it feels good.   i now know that people don't have to notice that you're doing something good for somebody else.  not everyone has to know that you're helping people out, just as long as you know it and it matters to the person out there that you've helped, because that's the reason why you did it in the first place.

so to you out there, with type B blood, or if you're a vampire and you're thirsty, i hope my love reaches you well.

Wednesday, October 03, 2012

angry girl journal 10.03.2012

i suddenly remember Lawrence,my duet partner in college. he gave me a dozen white roses on the day of the competition.  he wasn't courting me (he had a girlfriend), we didn't win and i'm not into flowers.  well, let's just say i don't usually get flowers - i'm not the girl guys trip rushing over to give flowers to.  he said i gave my all during practice (our song was Regine Velasquez and Jacky Cheung's In Love With You) and he knew i'd do the same come competition day so he thought he'd show me how much he appreciated me for doing so.

i was happy he did. i don't know why i remember it now, though.

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i'm  doing my best here.  i'm just trying to do the right thing.

Sunday, September 30, 2012

dear friend too

after almost a year of waiting ever since i read the book, i finally got to see the movie for the perks of being a wallflower.

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the movie always ends differently from the book and i anticipated that the movie would be depressing.  surprisingly, a lot of people came to see it.   maybe because it's been a while since we saw a movie come out featuring Emma Watson (yes, Hermione Granger in the Harry Potter series) or maybe because, based on the trailer, a lot of people thought they didn't fit in and could relate to Charlie.

i liked the songs they used, i liked how unlike the book, the movie is lighter.  the book was very depressing and serious that somehow, while reading it, i wanted to slash my wrists.  there was a time in my life when i couldn't speak to anyone and all i had was my writing.

the movie is remarkable and i'm so happy i finally saw it.  it was worth waiting for.

Thursday, September 27, 2012

now, this one is red

so earlier today, i decided i was going to cry my eyes out because of my frustration.  i was frustrated about where my life was heading, i was frustrated with you, i was frustrated with the problems my parents left me with.  i felt so helpless i took the advantage of the opportunity to cry in the office while my companions weren't around yet.  i spent about twelve minutes, at least, just pitying myself, crying my eyes out and blowing my nose.  the weird part about it is that, i'm wearing red and red is supposed to be a happy color for people in other jurisdictions.   unfortunately, it is not mine.


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top:  Marks and Spencer
skirt:  an old store called Anonymous
shoes:  Charles and Keith

thankfully, i have a roommate/colleague who likes to indulge me when i have "girl days" and she takes pictures of me when i'm wearing a dress so i can post them.  proof that i'm exerting effort on trying to be a little more feminine.  that really cheered me up.

you wouldn't notice from this picture that i was crying hours earlier, would you?  all you see is me trying hard to hold my stomach in.  

pencil sharpener

it's amazing how such a simple office tool can bring a smile to my face.

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 our encounters are brief but you make my day a little happier.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

it's not red, it's maroon

does this look red to you?

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dress: i forgot, but i got it relatively cheap from the mall
shoes:  Charles and Keith

Sunday, September 23, 2012

we all want our Ruby Sparks to come to life

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i always say this line, "i am not here, i am just a figment of your wild imagination".

Ruby Sparks is the story of Calvin Weir-Fields, a young novelist who came up with a successful novel when he was 19 but is currently experiencing a writer's block.  his therapist gives him an assignment to write a paper about someone who likes his dog, Scotty.  he dreams up a young woman who likes the dog and draws a picture of  Scotty.  that young woman becomes the protagonist of his new novel, and her name is Ruby Sparks.  she comes to life in his living room and at first he doesn't believe it until he notices that even his brother Harry can see her.

there was a part where it felt really creepy, like when he was typing stuff to make Ruby do things.  it's weird how when we meet the girl/boy of our dreams, we try to change them. she grew apart from him and he just wanted to hold on to that.  she was there the whole time but instead of enjoying every minute he had with her, he took her for granted.

while i really appreciated the movie and its approach to relationships,  what with all of us wanting to conjure up our own ideal boyfriends or girlfriends, i didn't appreciate how it ended.  so he writes a book of fiction which ends up being this best-selling novel after his hiatus. suddenly he meets Ruby again. but what about the people from his family who already met her, while she, on the other hand, has no recollection that the relationship ever happened?  life imitates fiction.  then fiction becomes life.  and then what?

i want my Dexter, my Bones, somebody to come to life for me.  but if they don't end up being the one i wanted, i hope i don't push them away.

i wish i could end this better but stranger things have happened.

Friday, September 21, 2012

i pulled it off

i've been wanting to wear this dress ever since i got it but i couldn't find the shoes for it.

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dress: Mango
shoes:  Charles and Keith

it makes me look thin, doesn't it?  i wish the shoes were a little bit higher but i already had trouble walking as it is.  not bad, if i should say so myself.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

yes, Adam, for you i would miss work

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 yep, i don't mind missing work for that.

i really didn't want to miss work. but i missed them the first time they were here and i did say that i was going to try to watch more gigs and go out more. so we went to see Adam Levine and the rest of Maroon 5 (i promised myself that after tonight, i was going to make myself more familiar with the other band members' names and some of their newer hits) perform at the Smart Araneta Coliseum.

 i was scared that for this tour they would limit their set list to songs that are only from the new album and my favorite song came from their first album, Songs About Jane, back when they were just starting. i first heard Harder to Breathe from NU107, in 2002. they weren't the very famous pop band that they are now, and i kinda pride myself for being one of the first few who knew them before everybody else. thankfully, this is a Greatest Hits tour, and this is their set list:

Payphone
Don’t Stop Til You Get Enough (Michael Jackson cover)
Makes Me Wonder
Lucky Strike
Sunday Morning
If I Never See Your Face Again
Wipe Your Eyes
Won’t Go Home Without You
Harder To Breathe
Wake Up Call
One More Night
Hand’s All Over
Misery
This Love
Don’t Forget Me

Seven Nations Army
She Will Be Loved (acoustic)
Stereo Hearts
Daylight
Don't You Want Me
Sexy Back (with Gangnam style)
Moves Like Jagger

we had good seats (minus the legroom), we weren't too close and not too far from the stage. we were surrounded by kids who couldn't even afford to buy their own tickets.  i felt so old.   the Coliseum was so packed i was afraid i was going to faint.  and then the girls started screaming.  i thought the show was going to start on time.  and then this band called The Cab comes out.  the girls started screaming some more and singing along and me and my friends were just sitting there, wondering who these kids were.

i AM getting old.

i didn't really like them and it's not just because i was old.  as my friend remarked, he wasn't a big fan of Linkin Park, but at least Chester knew how to sing.  these kids, they were forgettable.  sorry.

we wait for another hour or so for Maroon 5 after The Cab step out and when they did, it was worth the wait.

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i thought there were times that the transition in between songs weren't so fluid but then i may have been deaf because of all the screaming.  at one point, when Adam was singing "Every night you cry yourself to sleep thinking: "Why does this happen to me? Why does every moment have to be so hard?", i was teary-eyed and i remembered you, i don't know why.  ugh.  it's a good thing they moved on to Harder to Breathe and i was smiling and singing along again.

for the encore, they came back with Adam on drums, and James Valentine (their guitarist) singing vocals for Seven Nation Army.  i thought that was really cute and amusing for them to cover that.  i really loved it.  then they performed a stripped version of She Will Be Loved which i adored.  that almost performance of Gangnam Style was a nice twist.  Adam swinging and swaying his hips and sticking his tongue out occasionally already drove me (and everybody else) crazy so him just implying to do that was awesomely interesting.

before they end the show, Adam and the band thanked everyone in the audience. they say they have a special spot for the Philippines in their hearts.  they then proceed to play Moves Like Jagger and the crowd goes wild.

i really loved this show.  i love the band and all of their songs and i'm so glad i missed work for it.  after all, you only live once.  now, it's back to reality.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

angry girl journal 09.18.2012

 . . . sometimes i feel like i don't have a partner . . .

this past week has been very stressful for the both of us and i honestly thought it wouldn't be a good working environment but you have been very helpful. it made me feel like we were back to where we were before again, because you are gifted with numbers and i am with words and it worked out right. we had some challenges with some of the things we needed to deal with but we worked out just fine.

you have been very sweet and thoughtful, checking up on me and asking me how my day was and i complement you and tell you how good you are, those little things that make our partnership great. those are the things that mean a lot to me.

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you said before that people are so used to the fact that you aren't doing well or that you're this arrogant asshole that they never realize when you are going out of your way to be nice or sweet or thoughtful.  you said that they never notice when you do good.  well, i'm not your mother.

because i don't only remember when you fail; i most especially remember when you do good.  

thanks, Partner.  

Sunday, September 16, 2012

just needed to know what isn't there

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while majority of the population (maids on their day off, gay guys and their boyfriends, straight girls who withheld sex from their boyfriends so they would agree to watch the movie, girls who wish they had John Lloyd as their boyfriend, etc.) stormed the malls, literally, to spend their hard-earned pay on that movie starring John Lloyd and Bea and the wonders of philandering, i went out to see the Marie Jamora film Ang Nawawala (What Isn't There) on a sunday.

the movie is similar to this play i watched before, Next To Normal, where the mother could not get over the death of her son so she has conversations with him, and therefore, she is bipolar.  in the film, after his twin brother Jamie dies, Gibson blames himself and decides he doesn't want to talk to anyone.  i believe they call it elective mutism, the refusal to speak in almost all social situations despite the normal ability to do so (he speaks with Jamie when he is alone and talks to everyone else by signing or texting) as compared to selective mutism which is the failure to speak in specific situations and is strongly associated with social anxiety disorder.

anyway, the death of his twin brother has caused a strain in the relationship of everyone in the family, as his mother is still hurt from the loss.  he blames himself for losing his brother and everyone else tries to cope with the death and his refusal to speak. even his twin Jamie (his hallucination) thinks he shouldn't be blaming himself but he does.  he thinks his parents thought the wrong twin died.  the only time he felt happy and had the urge to actually speak up was when he met Enid who, sadly, hasn't gotten over her ex-boyfriend Deacon so when he finally started to talk, it felt kind of useless since she didn't want him as much as he wanted her.

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i've been seeing a lot of good feedback over this movie and i really love the soundtrack.  i wish i had a copy.  unfortunately,  i saw the movie with just ten other people in the theater.  unlike The Mistress (that cursed John Lloyd-Bea movie),  nobody can really relate to Ang Nawawala, unless you've been casing the local music scene, or you're mute or you really want to see Boboy Garovillo married to Dawn Zulueta or Marc Abaya's really bad hair.  the music is superb and the credits run with the orchestra version of the Eraserheads' Minsan but nobody wants to see it.  maybe because not everyone was born to a family where if you decide you no longer want to speak, they'll just send you to Walthamstow or Hong Kong or India to study and pay for your therapist until you do decide to speak.  maybe because not everyone was born to a family where speaking in English is second nature.  maybe because in the 80s, people were listening to Madonna and Michael Jackson and not to Depeche Mode, R.E.M. and U2.

it's hard to tell your story, no matter how innovative and original it is if people don't think it was worth wasting their time on because they cannot relate to you.  that's the sad plight of independent film makers and musicians.  it's sad to think that we have a lot of philanderers and concubines in this country, because that's what sells tickets. i refuse to believe that the definition of independent film is sex and violence. i admire Marie's courage to make this film, along with everyone else who supported her to make it possible and i hope they don't give up making films, the same way i hope they don't stop making great Filipino music.

i don't like going to the malls on sundays but i went anyway to see what isn't there and i find that there's a lonely road to sunday night.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

angry girl journal 09.13.2012

"I bring you the gift of these four words:  I believe in you."
- Blaise Pascal

i know you sometimes think that i only say nice things to suck up to you but i really want to let you know that i really admire your hard work and all the sacrifices that you make in order to help others.  i hope that they can see that even though they don't necessarily agree with you that it's right.

i know i keep complaining about how hard the work is or that people don't understand and appreciate me very well.  i know that i also keep talking about moving to a different role, about teaching and inspiring people (and hopefully, get paid for it) but i'm still here because i love the work that i do for you.  it's not blind devotion that i stay in this role but the fact that i can help you help other people.  i love that working for you, working with you allows me to help others even in the simplest of ways.  i believe they call it that "intangible altruistic feeling" in one of my law books.  i believe success isn't just about the high pay or the getting ahead in the corporate ladder - it's about making a difference in other people's lives and if i could make as much as an iota of a difference in other people's lives the way that you have then i know i have succeeded.

you are to me, the epitome of a great leader.  you lead by example.  i hope you don't forget that.

***

there are so many things i want to say to you but over the course of our friendship, i have realized that there are things better left unsaid.  right now i'm just happy that you are back on your feet.

that i believe in you and i trust you doesn't matter much to you.  i know because you have no problem burning me and breaking my heart, but he trusts you.  he sees the good in everybody and he thinks you have great potential.  remember that ripped jeans conversation you had where he said to you, "i'm trying to make someone out of you"?  i hope you remember that.

he depends on you.  i hope you keep his trust sacred.  i hope you don't let him down the way you've let me down so many times.  i hope you don't let him down the way you let yourself down. i hope you think about that the next time you feel like screwing over the people who put their faith in you.

i give you the gift of these four words.  use the belief i have in you wisely.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

angry girl journal 09.12.2012

you don't love me.  you don't care about me.  you only say you care about me when i ask you to.  or when you're forced to.  i can't go on living with just that.

i have always loved you.  even though you've hurt me so many times i never stopped loving you.  i love you with all the broken pieces of my heart.  but to think that i will sit around here and wait for you to wake up one morning thinking that you love me - IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.

i can't live like this.  i have to move on.  i have to do what makes me happy.  i have to do what's best for me.

***

i like you.  i really do.  i enjoy the banter we have.  you're really very nice, but i don't think you're interested. you're just very nice and i enjoy every single second that i get to talk to you because i don't think we have that much time.  besides, i don't think you'd like to date an overweight boring spinster who works for the big boss.

***

i am happy that i have you.  you are very objective.  you are always there to listen to what i have to say and you appreciate me for who and what i am.  i don't mind that there is nothing romantic going on between us.  i just love you because you are a great friend to me. i love that we help each other get by.  sometimes all i need to do is get by.

Tuesday, September 04, 2012

the law and Iron Man

i studied law because my father made me. one of the reasons i came to terms with wanting to be a lawyer and not just to shut my father up was Ally McBeal.  so i wasn't anorexic like she was but the idea that after a really long day in court, i could let my hair down in a bar and Robert Downey Jr. will be there singing The Police's Every Breath You Take to me was very appealing.

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i can't help but think that maybe if i had passed, then i wouldn't feel so rusty (and stupid) when people ask me a legal question.  maybe my father wouldn't be so unhappy when he died.  i did say i want to shift careers and i want to be able to move on to a direction that makes use of what i learned. there are times when i feel i'm not working to my full potential. i don't have to be a lawyer.  we all know that ship has sailed, but i still think that i can work in a department that allows me to help people and make use of that knowledge.

and go to a bar where Robert Downey, Jr. is singing The Police's Every Breath You Take. 

angry girl journal 09.04.2012

i love singing this song in the shower.


Take It All
Adele

Didn't I give it all,
Tried my best,
Gave you everything I had,
Everything and no less?
Didn't I do it right?
Did I let you down?

Maybe you got too used to
Well, having me around.
Still how can you walk away
From all my tears?
It's gonna be an empty road
Without me right here.

But go on and take it,
Take it all with you.
Don't look back
At this crumbling fool.
Just take it all
With my love,
Take it all
With my love.

Maybe I should leave
To help you see
Nothing is better than this
And this is everything we need.
So is it over?
Is this really it?
You've given up so easily,
I thought you loved me more than this.

But go on, go on and take it,
Take it all with you.
Don't look back
At this crumbling fool.
Just take it all
With my love,
Take it all
With my love.

I will change if I must.
Slow it down and bring it home, I will adjust.
Oh if only, if only you knew,
Everything I do is for you.

But go on
Go on and take it,
Take it all with you.
Don't look back
At this crumbling fool.
Just take it,
Take it all with you.
Don't look back
At this crumbling fool.
Just take it all
With my love,
Take it all
With my love
Take it all
With my love.

maybe he'll realize how much i mean to him too late in life, like if i get sick and die or something, or if i find someone else who actually, truly cares about me.


we're all doomed to fall for the wrong person at least once in our lifetime.

Sunday, September 02, 2012

Grimm: i'm not jumpy when i watch this

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after Buffy The Vampire Slayer, and Angel both bid farewell to television, we didn't hear from Josh Whedon until Avengers. yeah, yeah, he came up with Supernatural but i wasn't really crazy about the plot as i was about the first two shows.  Charmed also bid farewell so there in the can went all my favorite fantasy series.  after that, Twilight came out and gave a different meaning to the word "vampire" and "werewolf". another show came out called The Vampire Diaries and while i think Ian Somerhalder is hot, i didn't really appreciate it that much.

i don't like Twilight and the Vampire Diaries because of the damsel-in-distress factor.  it didn't sit well with me considering how Buffy was such a strong woman.  sure, she had mortals and immortals pining over her but she could very well take care of herself.

***

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like Suits, Grimm came out just about the same time my neighbor's cable got cut off.  now that i got reconnected i got to see the series and i was really fascinated with it.  while it didn't feature a strong female lead, it is not boring and i don't get jumpy watching it.  not bad for someone who doesn't feel comfortable sleeping alone in the dark, right?

Grimm is about Homicide Detective Nick Burkhardt, and his life after he discovers that he is descended from a long line of hunters called Grimms, who fight to keep humanity safe from supernatural forces.  he lives in a world in which the characters inspired  by the Grimms' Fairy Tales exist.  as a Grimm, he must be able to distinguish the good forces from the bad, with the help of his friend, Wieder Blutbad Monroe and his partner, Detective Hank Griffin. 

while i think David Guintoli is hot and the plot is very interesting, i watch it mainly because of Monroe's humor. Monroe, played by Silas Weir Mitchell, is very lovable and tries to help Nick, the Grimm, every which way he can. while he is very awkward and non-violent, he is very quick-witted,  funny and very adorable.

i'm glad that we have these shows again.  they are very entertaining and they provide a whole new perspective towards the fairy tales we have grown up with. while they educate us with the tales, they show us that for as long as there is evil in this world, in whatever shape or form, good will always prevail and win over it.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

why am i drawn to guys who like to gamble?

it may be a coincidence but it just so happens that two of my favorite shows, Bones and Fringe, are from the same network.



how weird and funny is it that the two male characters i am most drawn to on television, Seeley Booth (David Boreanaz) and Peter Bishop (Joshua Jackson) BOTH have a GAMBLING problem. Seeley Booth is an FBI agent recovering from his gambling addiction and he acts as the liaison officer between the FBI and the Jeffersonian Institute; while Peter Bishop is the son of "Walternate", the Walter Bishop of the alternate universe.  although he has an IQ of 190, speaks and is fluent in English, Arabic, Persian, Cantonese and Spanish, he dropped out of college with gambling debts.  both are partnered with equally strong women.

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another show i like right now is Suits. it premiered in Manila about the same time that my neighbor's cable connection got cut off.  i didn't get reconnected until a few months ago, when the second season was about to start.  you'd think i would pine over the guy with eidetic memory who takes really good care of grandma but somehow, i find myself oggling over the best closer who thinks he's the smartest guy in the room.  so you could understand my reaction when i saw a clip of the show and i saw Harvey Specter playing cards.  what the?!  the asshole gambles too?!?!

i HAVE to get over this pattern.

***

i love this song from Traumaligno.  when i heard it, i thought it was really deep.  it is what made me want to manage their band.


Latigo
(Boom Dizon)

Nalimutan ko nang mataranta

Nawala kang muli
Hindi ko tatanungin

Hindi nawawala ang hindi hinahanap
Panong mapapagod ang dati nang pagal
Hindi malilimot ang di mo naintindihan

Humalik sa himpapawid
Arukin ang di maabot
Malayong babalik ka pa
Pumipiglas ang lubid
Yayapos ang alipin
Umaatras
Ang oras
Kapag ika’y nawawala

Nalimutan mo nang magsalita
At tulad ng huli
Purihin ang salarin

Hindi nabibigo ang di nangangahas
Santong pinapako, kumalinga ng wagas
Magsisi’t tumalikod wala ka nang babalikan

obviously, the song has a lot of meaning for me.  because of the song, i met with one of the bands whom i thought had the highest potential to make it big in the local music scene.  sadly, things didn't materialize the way i had envisioned and the dream fizzled before people could ever get to listen to their stories.  also, the song itself is meaningful because of current circumstances.  you know, missing people, broken promises and regrets.  

the song is relatable and at best, very logical.  you cannot find something/someone that doesn't want to be found.  someday, you will also find that there is no turning back.  i hope to be free from my own ropes.  

birthday dress, part 2

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dress:  Maldita

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Sunday, August 26, 2012

bonabels

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the moment she walks in on them in flagrante delicto, i knew i had seen the original movie starring Nora Aunor before as a kid. now, before you judge my parents for delegating the responsibility of child-rearing to the TV screen, let me tell you that my mother was there when i saw it. she was just asleep in certain scenes. i remember how it ends.

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they revised the storyline to make it more current but the gist is still the same. they also tried to incorporate film scenes in between those portrayed by the actors on stage.  i particularly did not like the interview scene. despite all the evidence that the quality of the movies out today have deteriorated and  more and more insipid actors get by on their good looks because majority of the audience is "illiterate",  i don't think the audience needs an explanation.  whatever happened to getting out of the theater thinking what would happen next?  wouldn't it be nice if the audience were allowed to draw their own conclusions as to what happened instead of spoonfeeding (or force-feeding, whichever) it  to them?

while i'm not particularly a big fan of Eugene Domingo or her movies,  i believed her.  i could relate to her Bona.  i've had a boyfriend not call/text/email me for three months but i still hoped for closure and waited on him even though i knew in my heart and mind that it was over.  i've had days when i think that the doorknob to my heart is broken and i will not let anybody in.  i've had days, lots of days, when my gay friends would have relationships and i would have none.  i've had days when i feel like i've been working so hard and yet my life isn't going anywhere.  i've had days, so many days,   when people only remember me when they need me for something, especially money.  i've prayed to God for signs and somehow, even if God was giving the answer to me, i still couldn't figure it out.

the lead male character reminds me of him.  they talk and act the same, but the character he played reminded me of you.  and me.  it was our story.  well, similar.  the play was funny but there were scenes that were hard to watch.  i had this pain in my chest.  i had trouble breathing when they were unfolding before my eyes.  i wanted to slash my wrists.  seriously.  i so wanted to kill myself afterwards.

". . . ayaw kitang saktan dahil alam kong mahal na mahal mo ako. kaya lang hindi kita kayang mahalin."*

it dawned on me, much as i hated to admit it, that she was me.  that you don't want to say it, but that's what you mean.   that no matter what i do, i will never be good enough for you. that even if i was happy doing all of these things for you and i'm not expecting anything in return, people will still think i'm stupid or that i'm trying to buy my way into your heart.  but mostly, that i have to stop.  at the end of the day, it would still be my fault i stayed.  even if you're the user in this picture, i will still be the stupid one for not knowing any better.

i sincerely hope there is still hope for me, that there will be no need for boiling water for me to come to my senses.

i wonder how OUR story will end.



*" . . . i don't want to hurt you because i know how much you love me.  but i can't love you"

Thursday, August 23, 2012

because what takes years to build takes only minutes to destroy

i've been working on this deck for my boss.  he was asked to do a presentation for a bunch of high potential agents currently on leadership training.  his topic is based on the book by Stephen M. R. Covey.

the book focuses on the premise that while trust that took years to build can easily be destroyed, it doesn't mean that it cannot be earned back.  it teaches the reader principles that can be applied to both professional and personal life.

by behaving in ways that build trust, you make deposits.  by behaving in ways that destroy trust, you make withdrawals.  the balance in the account reflects the amount of trust in the relationship at any given time.


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13 Behaviors
1.  Talk straight

2. Demonstrate respect

3. Create Transparency

4.  Right wrongs

5.  Show loyalty

6. Deliver results

7.  Get Better

8. Confront Reality

9.  Clarify Expectations

10. Practice accountability

11. Listen First

12.  Keep Commitments

13.  Extend Trust

i really liked the book.  each of the thirteen behaviors had explanations that you can practice in school, at work, or in your whole life in general.

trust is something of really great value that only takes minutes to destroy once lost.  i should know, i've been burned many times.  i wish the people who burned me had a chance to read this book.  i read this book not just because the project is important to my boss, or that trust is important to him.  i read this book because trust is important to me and i learned a lot from reading it.  if only it was just as important to you too.

words have no meaning

early this year, you disappeared.  this was after we had agreed that i would "monitor" you so that you can stay away from really bad habits. i didn't really want to considering you don't even listen to your own mother.  why the hell would you listen to me?

anyway, i had no idea where you went or how you were. you weren't answering your phone and you didn't give advice at work either.   you called me over the work phone and you apologized to me.  you said you lost your mobile phone and that you were sick.  you really had me worried because i knew how sick you were.  you said you never like to see me cry.  you assured me that you were still alive and that you were still there for me.  and then you starting singing.

Words

Smile an everlasting smile

A smile could bring you near to me
Don't ever let me find you gone
'Cause that would bring a tear to me
This world has lost it's glory
Let's start a brand new story
Now my love right now there'll be
No other time and I can show you
How my love
Talk in everlasting words
And dedicate them all to me
And I will give you all my life
I'm here if you should call to me
You think that I don't even mean
A single word I say
It's only words, and words are all
I have to take your heart away
You think that I don't even mean
A single word I say
It's only words, and words are all
I have to take your heart away
It's only words, and words are all
I have to take your heart away

according to Stephen M.R. Covey, in his book i'm reading, The Speed of Trust, it's easy to say "I care" . . . but it is our actual behavior that demonstrates whether or not we mean it.  i know you care about me.  you said you did.  you have a lousy way of showing it.

days later, you texted me because you got yourself a new phone and you went to work the next day.  i told you how i wished i was a different person.  if i were someone else, maybe you'd share your life with me more, and i don't end up feeling stupid for caring about you and you told me i was perfect, that you could not ask for anything more.  again, you knew exactly what to say to pull me back again. i forgave you. i helped you, i gave you another chance. i ALWAYS forgive you and give you chances.  but you.  for all the love i have given you, you gave me this many chances:


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that's a thought enough for me to want to slash my wrists.

if i was so perfect, why can't i be good enough for you?  i know i shouldn't even be asking this question considering that there are so many reasons why i shouldn't be waiting on you.

you were never good with words. but somehow i always tend to believe you when you say something, but the words i hope you would say, the words that show you respect me, that you care, if you do at all, those are the words you cannot say.  it's very easy to tell someone you care, but if you don't show them or make the effort to,  they mean nothing.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

tears for Fierce

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i missed the first time they went over here, and even now that i've seen them, i still can't believe i actually did see them. i wasn't even planning to go see the show, i just happened to be in the area and The Bourne Legacy was already over.  had we seen it after dinner, i would've totally missed the show.  sometimes, you don't plan things, they just happen.  you can also say that i wasn't really thinking straight considering i spent the whole shift packing relief goods and i didn't really get enough sleep since i had to meet my friends for the movie.  my mind and body were both sore so i just gave in to the idea of seeing the concert.  besides, i would really kick myself in the head if i let the opportunity pass a second time.  there wasn't even supposed to be this second show which meant it was giving me the chance to see the band.  i was paying for two shows in one.

the show opened with Per Sorensen of the now-defunct Fra Lippo Lippi doing songs from his new album and of course, most of the songs we grew up with.  he's really old (he's old he even brought his 26-year old son to play on keyboards for the tour old), but still lanky and his voice breaks every once in a while but the audience doesn't care.  it's one of those times i don't really mind paying for community singing, or for really cheap seats.  well, they weren't that cheap, but i didn't mind being at the general admission section, like really far away from the stage.  i was there for the music.  i loved singing along and i didn't mind if the people behind me were messing up the words while they were singing along.  i was just glad to be there.

during intermission, this nice lady from Wolverhampton, England did a four-song acoustic set.  i really liked her, Carina Round.  i thought she had some great stories to tell.  she even encouraged the audience to sing back up for her on her last song, Backseat.  the song gave me goosebumps.  that the audience was singing with her and it was a beautiful song was wonderful. i wanted to go get her record (i checked later after the show - too expensive!) or get a guitar to try to learn the song.

after much sound checking by the band's sound engineers, Tears for Fears finally came out.  you hear the intro for Everybody Wants to Rule the World and you get a roar from the audience.  they're older but the music has been the same, those songs i've gone crazy around singing along to. it's like their voices have even gotten better with age.  you can sort of tell, though, that some of the songs were a bit slower in tempo but they were great just the same.  Curt Smith and Roland Orzabal alternately did vocals for their hits, and even Carina Round was doing back up vocals.  the proceeds of the merchandise sale they said would go to the Red Cross.  it's amazing how these last two nights, they have come to love Manila (they will perform in Cebu as well) and found it was their responsibility as artists to give back because of the devastation brought about the monsoon rains and flash floods.  they thought it best not only to entertain but to give back.  awww.

i've heard so many versions of Mad World, but as Curt stated, the original is still so much better.  so once the intro for Head Over Heels is played, the crowd gets wild and everybody is singing along.  then Roland skips the last two words and the whole band walks out of the stage with him.  you hear the audience calling out to them, and singing the chorus to Shout for a while but they don't go out.  they probably waited for about five minutes.  para encore nga daw talaga hahaha!   they come back to sing Woman in Chains and of course, the crowd favorite that called them back to the stage, Shout.

i enjoyed the show immensely.  i will not let my fears get in the way of my happiness again.  after all, weekends are too short.