Friday, December 30, 2011

angry girl journal 12.29.2011

how can people sleep at night (or in our case, the day time) knowing that they’ve deceived someone, let alone, a whole group of people? i don’t understand.

i’ve had this problem before and i was so frustrated that i couldn’t do anything on my end to stop it. now it’s happening again and i still can’t do anything about it. but i have people now who support me, people who can actually vouch that i am telling the truth, that i’m doing something good with this life.

these people are earning more money than the agents, the agents are doing all the work that make them look good and yet, the agents don’t really get all the benefits of their hard work. it’s sad, especially when they see that only a few people get the perks, and these are the people that don’t deserve it.

I AM NOT PERFECT. I HAVE TOO MUCH SHIT GOING ON IN MY HEAD. I MAY NOT ALWAYS KNOW WHAT I’M DOING HALF THE TIME, BUT I GET THE WORK DONE WITHOUT HAVING TO STEAL FROM ANYONE.

they always say that if you're going to do something stupid, you have to make sure you won't get caught. my suggestion is to not to anything stupid at all.

di ba?

don't shit on your backyard so as not to destroy your credibility.

i hate that people think that just because i act the way i do and speak the way i speak that i have no idea what i’m talking about. i do. i hate that they think that way. this is where i go back to saying that I sometimes hate being great at what i’m doing now because nobody would ever think of taking me seriously or think i should move forward because nobody else can do my job as efficiently as i do. my friends and fellow EAs know this. we all have the same sentiment. people other than our bosses rely on us too much to the point that we are doing things that are not required of us.

i hope that someday you will realize that what you are doing is a bad thing and i hope someday you will pay for it.  for people who are supposedly religious and righteous, you have no integrity.  i have no respect for scum like you.

God bless your poor unpure soul.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

eroticism makes for good poetry

"like anyone would be
i am flattered by your fascination with me
like any hot blooded woman
i have simply wanted an object to crave

but you, you're not allowed
you're uninvited
an unfortunate slight . . . "
Uninvited, Alanis Morissette
City of Angels OST


it has been said that a vampire cannot enter a person's house without any invitation as the home serves as a sanctuary and automatically gives protection from any outside demonic influences. once invited in, however, the gateway has been opened and the vampire is free to come and go as he pleases.

that is why i cannot invite you to my house. whether or not you are serious about your offer, i honestly don't know who the vampire and who the prey is anymore, between us. i really don't know how to react. now that i've thought about it, this thing we have, whatever it is, has been going on for a year now. i might want to actually do it.

minus a few grammatical errors, you really know how to mess with my head and other parts of my anatomy without actually touching me. i do have a very vivid imagination.

which gets me to thinking: am i only for that deed only? why was it okay for Jade and Link to think i would be good enough for bed but not good enough to be a lifetime companion? am i just a sex object? if i am just that, then why don't YOU find me desirable? if i am indeed desirable, how come the only ones who think so are the ones who cannot be with me anymore?

i really like the way you play with my head. i really like you period. but i can't. i don't think i can, not anymore anyway. i am still very much tempted but i will still very much decline.

Monday, December 26, 2011

. . . six am, day after Christmas . . . the world is sleeping, I am numb . . .

i was awake while everybody else was asleep so i slept for the most part of the holiday and today.

coming from a friend's house after our common friend's wedding, i met with my friend and her girlfriend for breakfast. after that i went ahead and brought old clothes as donations for the Sendong victims before going to my parents' grave. then i went to work and bought food for the guards and janitors working the shift. that was Christmas for me.

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you don't have to be here physically for me to know that I am loved.

i am inexplicably sad this year considering that i have spent the most part of my life being alone anyway. i don't know why. i tried not to inflict others with my sadness so i just slept for the most part.

sleeping is good. it makes up for being awake and sad.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

best Christmas party ever

"it's Christmas time, there's no need to be afraid . . ."

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so goes the song. so goes the invitation that i got via Facebook calendar and via text message about the party being thrown by The Ronnies. i haven't watched gigs in a while and i said that if there was one gig i had to see before the year ends, it would have to be theirs.

a few years back, i got to sing with them and i had a blast. that to me was the best gig ever. this was reinforced when i saw them again last night. i had so much fun, i even forgot that i was sick and in pain the whole week from my kidney (or another possible urinary tract infection - who knows?) and from the unending stress that i receive from work. i said that i was going to have fun and drink at whatever cost. and i did.

i even got to sing with them again. we wanted to hear Borderline so i whispered the request real quick to Ronnie who agreed but said i had to be the one to sing the song. okay. done.

i miss singing. i miss having fun. i miss going out and not having to worry about the things i have to do, or the things i don't have. i miss not having to worry about work or my failing health.

like they said, it's Christmas time. no need to be afraid. no need for stress either.

***

it was weird seeing you again. not that you still have this effect on me or anything but i do remember exchanging not so good words with you through text. and then we just went back to being nice again to each other without actually ever talking about it. you act like there's nothing wrong and you act like i still don't mean anything to you even after you keep asking me how i am. i keep thinking if you're sincere about it or if you just want to feel better about yourself because you're an asshole and you have not been a good friend to me for the most part of our lives. you're still not a good friend. and i am over you. i have been fine without your affirmation, you know. you take me for granted even though i'm the only one who's been true to you, the only one who's really been loyal to you all these years, following you and supporting the poor excuse for a singing career that you have. oh well, you didn't like being mainstream anyway, right?

it's nice that you ask how i am. you haven't exactly apologized for being mean to me and that debacle in 2006 but i appreciate the effort you're exerting. it's nice that you're trying to make up for being an ass. even if it's twenty-one years too late.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

angry girl journal 12.15.2011

i'm so tired. i am in so much pain. i can hardly stand. my kidneys are acting up again.

i normally have a high tolerance for pain but this is unbearable for me. i wouldn't complain if i can still take the pain. but now, i am having difficulty standing up and i even feel pain when i sit or lie down.

they say that urinary tract infection is common among those who work for a call center (i know i work for a bank now, but it follows the same concept) and i am at risk. i should know because i've already had a kidney stone before. more than anyone, i should be careful: i should drink lots of water, avoid salty foods, eat fresh fruits. and i shouldn't hold my pee when i need to.

good luck with that.

it's sad that the person to notify in case you're in an emergency is dead. or asleep.

i hate getting sick.

***

i never thought i'd have to say this to you, but i love you. i love you so much. i just don't like you anymore.

Thursday, December 08, 2011

music to visit sick friends with?

for some weird reason, this song kept on playing in my head on my way to your house.

Fix You
Coldplay

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you



i won't try to change you. i know i won't change for anyone. i love you because you're perfectly imperfect. i know there are days when i can't really help fix your life considering i can't even save myself but i will always be here for you. that i can assure you.

Monday, December 05, 2011

angry girl journal 12.03.2011

the last time we had this conversation was in august, when i went to your house and i did my best to lift your hopes up. you were so down that day and i wanted so much to take your pain away, to help you set your life straight.

and now it's happening again.

sometimes i fear i don't understand how you resent what they do for you but somehow i can make you sane. these are people you actually care about. what would i do differently to make you listen to me when they can't make you stay long enough to hear what they have to say?

***

i love this song. they used to play it in NU107 and every once in a while, they would play it in JAM 88.3. it was also featured in So You Think You Can Dance 6, with Eleanor and Ryan dancing to the choreography of Travis Wall.

Your Ex-Lover Is Dead
Stars

God, that was strange to see you again
Introduced by a friend of a friend
Smiled and said 'yes I think we've met before'
In that instant it started to pour,
Captured a taxi despite all the rain
We drove in silence across Pont Champlain
And all of the time you thought I was sad
I was trying to remember your name...

This scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin
Tried to reach deep but you couldn't get in
Now you're outside me
You see all the beauty
Repent all your sin

It's nothing but time and a face that you lose
I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose
I'll write you a postcard
I'll send you the news
From a house down the road from real love...

Live through this, and you won't look back...
Live through this, and you won't look back...
Live through this, and you won't look back...

There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave
You were what I wanted
I gave what I gave
I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save

I'm not sorry there's nothing to save...



it talks about the most awkward situation of seeing your ex after a long time but somehow you haven't exactly moved on yet or even if you have, that feeling where you don't really want to stay because you're afraid for the other person because he/she may not have been as resilient as yourself. it also talks about how you did everything you could but at the end of the day, there was nothing more that could be done for that relationship but to end. great song.

i would've marched with PRIDE

last week was very busy for me. we finally got permission from Corporate to use the company logo for the PRIDE March. it would have been my first march. most of the members of the committee were on leave so it was up to me and the remaining members to get people to sign up and march with us. of course, the free t-shirt was an incentive to people who would show up but we wanted to make sure that people would show up for the cause and not just because the shirt was free.

for those of you who just tuned in: I AM A BISEXUAL. my longest relationship was three years with a lesbian i met in law school whom i call "M" here. i've always known at an early age that i was different. i have always been attracted to both girls and boys (i think the "asshole pattern" applies to both as M was full of it) and it is not something i am ashamed of. so when the opportunity came to become a member of something like this, i wanted to become a part of it.

i've always said, i wanted to be able to embrace my truth, and this is one of those truths about me. i am attracted to women and men and i am open to having a meaningful relationship (or one with just crazy mindblowing sex) with either sex just as i am open to the idea of ending up alone. it's a choice i made a long time ago. some people might say it's a vague choice; that it's playing safe or wanting to enjoy the best of both worlds, but my point is: when i love, i do not see a man or a woman, i see a person whose heart, mind, soul i am attracted to.

in a way, i'm doing this for friends who are not as open or brave in facing their demons and making choices. i don't care about how other people perceive me or what they say about me and i take pride in who i am and what i have become. of course, there will be debates on Christianity and morality which i will not delve on right now. i just feel i have an obligation to those who have made their choices in life, to stand up for our rights and beliefs. we have to stand up for ourselves.

anyway, coming from my shift, i had to print out the registration forms for the march and we had to move from one building to another since the systems in ours were down. mad rush to other building to reach one of the committee members' assistants. i had my friend redo the file since i couldn't open the one he did. we were able to print out the forms but as soon as we got a cab i felt my blood rush up to my head. it was one of those days when once sunlight hits me i get dizzy. i threw up twice and had to make the cab stop before we could even reach the venue.

he wouldn't let me march anymore. he said i should just go home after we gave them the forms. good thing, some of my friends were there in the area and we told them to pick us up. my head didn't feel any better in the car but at least i wasn't throwing up anymore.

i felt really bad i couldn't march. later in the evening i got a text message saying that our delegation had the most number of turnouts. it made me happy that even if i couldn't physically make it, they knew i was there in spirit and our efforts paid off.