Wednesday, November 23, 2011

angry girl journal 11.20.2011

the last time i saw you was the night you kissed me. we didn't really talk about it anymore. we just started texting each other again like nothing happened. i wasn't even supposed to show up. but i needed to see you. i wanted to show you that you have my love and support as you were going through one of the toughest challenges we have to face: the bar exams.

you stared at me for a long time. i haven't seen anyone so surprised and so happy to see me in a while. and when you finally overcame the initial shock you hugged me and it was so tight,i had to tell you to let me go.

i love you and i know somewhere in there, you have love for me. i don't know to what extent or what degree. i cannot qualify. i love you as a brother, a best friend. i could've loved you for more. but we never got that far. i was never someone else to you other than your sister, your friend, your rock. we could've been lovers. we could've been the best of friends. but you had to kiss me. and that's just a natural occurrence to you: kissing girls when they're vulnerable. i'd like to think i'm not just like everyone of your girls. i'm supposed to be special. i guess not. you never saw me for more than i was, for what i could be to you. you never said anything to make me stay, or think that it wasn't just sex to you. so i went ahead and hurt you back, by going to him.

we didn't talk about it anymore. we ignored the fact that it happened. which means it can happen again. i don't want to lose you that way. i care for you so much, i value our friendship. i don't expect to be anything more to you than what you can give me, but i don't deserve to be treated less.

***

i never wanted you to say that about me. well, sometimes i wish you would and you rarely do without provocation. i am glad that you feel that way about me. i just hope you know what it means.

i will never give up on you, even when you've given up on yourself. that's what i'm here for. i just hope you won't forget.