Friday, July 29, 2011

about my father's mistress

i remembered early today that it was my father's mistress' birthday. i called to greet her but she was out. she is my confirmation godmother.

i don't resent her as much now as i did then when i was younger. i was more inclined to hate her children more than i did her. they were perfect and i always paled in comparison.  i hated her too, but only because she made mother feel so insecure.  it's bad enough that my mother had cancer which made her feel so insecure as it was, but my father kept on comparing them and making my mother feel more worthless since he would praise my godmother more than he would my mom, the same way he'd compare me to her kids.  i didn't like it one bit.

don't you just hate it when they make you feel bad about yourself just so they could hide the fact that they're actually screwing you over?

i forgive her now, yes.  but i don't want her to go on living knowing that i don't know anything.  i do.  in a way i want to punish her for deceiving me and my mother.  for the pain she caused me and my dying mother.  my mother had cancer, for crying out loud and my father cheated on her while all this was happening.  didn't she have a family herself? didn't she have a daughter?  didn't it ever occur to her that i would know or that i would be hurt? that my mother would be hurt more by this pain than the cancer ever would?

the cancer scarred me, as did my mother's death. but there is also no greater pain than trying to live up to expectations of someone who will never love you back, and never accept you because they love someone else.

this is why i hate cheating and i hate being cheated on.  it's still a grey area to me.  love is love, yes.  but if you ruin a family, especially one already distraught and destroyed by disease, what kind of love is that?  what kind of soul have you?