Friday, July 29, 2011

about my father's mistress

i remembered early today that it was my father's mistress' birthday. i called to greet her but she was out. she is my confirmation godmother.

i don't resent her as much now as i did then when i was younger. i was more inclined to hate her children more than i did her. they were perfect and i always paled in comparison.  i hated her too, but only because she made mother feel so insecure.  it's bad enough that my mother had cancer which made her feel so insecure as it was, but my father kept on comparing them and making my mother feel more worthless since he would praise my godmother more than he would my mom, the same way he'd compare me to her kids.  i didn't like it one bit.

don't you just hate it when they make you feel bad about yourself just so they could hide the fact that they're actually screwing you over?

i forgive her now, yes.  but i don't want her to go on living knowing that i don't know anything.  i do.  in a way i want to punish her for deceiving me and my mother.  for the pain she caused me and my dying mother.  my mother had cancer, for crying out loud and my father cheated on her while all this was happening.  didn't she have a family herself? didn't she have a daughter?  didn't it ever occur to her that i would know or that i would be hurt? that my mother would be hurt more by this pain than the cancer ever would?

the cancer scarred me, as did my mother's death. but there is also no greater pain than trying to live up to expectations of someone who will never love you back, and never accept you because they love someone else.

this is why i hate cheating and i hate being cheated on.  it's still a grey area to me.  love is love, yes.  but if you ruin a family, especially one already distraught and destroyed by disease, what kind of love is that?  what kind of soul have you?

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

i felt like crying on every scene

finally, Ron and Hermione.

it makes me sad that after ten years, we have to say goodbye to these characters we've loved so dearly. some of you may have grown up with them and loved to read more about them. i know i did. sort of. sad. sad. sad.

i feel bad because i never got to see the first part of Harry Potter 7, The Deathly Hallows. it is pretty difficult to catch up on a series when you missed out on one.

but nothing makes me sadder than the fact that the journey has ended. we followed Harry Potter and his friends when he first found out that he was a wizard and we have been following him since. we followed both the books and the movies from start to finish. we waited for the books to come out to see what his new adventure would be and we waited for the movies to see if they are as great as we imagined them in our heads while reading the book. we were with Harry and his friends in all his triumphs and trials and as he grew up, we "grew" with him, even trying to imitate his accent and all.

we thought Harry was cute (i personally liked Ron and Draco, really, and the Weasley twins) and we all wished by the fourth book that he'd end up with Ginny. i always thought that Ron and Hermione were a great couple so when they kissed, it literally brought tears to my eyes.

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i hope more books like Harry Potter and The Lord of the Rings come out, like The Chronicles of Narnia and Percy Jackson. books that encourage kids to believe in themselves no matter how different they are and to have faith and to rely on friends.

i know i have a lousy way of ending this. but maybe it's because i don't want it to end. it doesn't have to. just like any story, you pass it on to your kids and teach them the values that come from reading the book. or just reading per se. while i am fascinated by vampires, i would rather be a wizard than a girl torn between a corpse and an animal.

boot camp on being slushied

i'm a big fan of reality shows. while i am aware that not all of them are real, the idea of cameras following your every move, being able to talk to a confessional booth about someone or something, has amazed me. not that i'm narcissistic. i just find it interesting what people will do to be famous.

i blog but i don't think i need that much attention. the thought has occurred to me. it would be nice if a camera followed me wherever i went. i would just watch gigs every chance i get to promote the independent music scene here in the PHL. i'd fly out to the provinces to promote the culture we have, not just the beaches, but our history, being a Spanish colony before and all. yes, yes, if i became a reality show star, i would be the ambassador of tourism for Manila, Philippines. the things, places, people i can feature and write about! i don't have a love life so that's the best i can come up with.

***

Glee producers have jumped on the bandwagon of star-making via reality TV and came up with a show called the Glee Project. it features the best twelve of all the people who have submitted demos, videos, letters from all of the US who want to be a part of the Glee phenomenon.

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the show is very engaging. i look forward to seeing who will get the seven-episode bit on Glee. after all, the cast will "graduate" soon.

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Hannah is one of my favorites because she doesn't try too hard to be someone she's not. you can see that she's struggling with some of the challenges but she doesn't lose her heart because you can feel that she's in there to win it just like everyone else. she's the total opposite of Ashley Fink's character, Lauren Zizes, in Glee. while Lauren is very much confident with herself and her sexuality, Hannah is awkward. she could very much play Lauren's younger sister or cousin who moved to McKinley High.

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Cameron (with glasses), Damian (shocked Irish look) and Sam (dreadlocks)

of course, i'm a big fan of the boys. the New Directions have too many girls (and gays, and lesbians!!!) and it would be nice if we could have someone just like Chord Overstreet's character, Sam. we need someone new, except that he is one who is there because he likes the music, not just because he wants to be a star. he doesn't have to get the girls but he has to be likeable.

Sam, Damian and Cameron all have distinct likeable lead male character qualities. Damian's the Irish boy who needs to fit in well in an American setting; Sam's the unique musician who gets all the ladies but is actually the mysterious one with a past and Cameron's the Christian schoolboy, very conservative and introverted but still very much talented. all, including Hannah, can be stars of Glee, for me. but then, i'm not Ryan Murphy. i don't call the shots.

so lately, this show has been one of my guilty pleasures. i love Glee. i love that they feature old as well as new songs on their repertoire. it makes me appreciate the crap on the radio as sometimes Lea Michele, et al singing it transforms the song into something really magical and memorable. it makes me glad that they introduced Fleetwood Mac to a younger generation (no, Gwyneth Paltrow is not the original singer of Landslide) of music lovers, those whose parents weren't flower children or freedom fighters. i love that Glee has opened doors to untapped talent via the Glee Project. sure, whoever the winner of the show is, will earn fame as a manufactured artist (didn't we say this about Rivermaya when they first started but we loved them anyway?), having been borne out of a reality show, but there are worst ways one can get fame. let's just be happy they didn't have to shed skin and be victims of child pornography to get there.

Friday, July 22, 2011

here's where the story ends . . .

You knew this was coming, didn’t you?

Surprise, surprise.

“ . . . I’ve never been too good with names but I remember faces . . . “
– It’s a Shame about Ray, The Lemonheads

I believe there is a reason why people cross paths. You can learn something from them or they can learn something from you. Every time I meet someone I realize something about myself. If I don’t, I always hope that meeting me changed the other person in a way. Just like when people experience things, it’s always for a reason. Good or bad, it changes you, tries to make a different, hopefully, better person out of you. So we should always embrace the change, no matter how difficult it may be. The reason will present itself in time.

So I am leaving in the hope that somehow I have made some minuscule difference in your lives. That our encounters, good or bad, perpetual or fleeting, may have taught you something, as I know I have learned from you; that I, no matter how minimal, was able to help you, the same way you all have helped me. If I ever offended you in any way, it came with the territory and I apologize. I am grateful to all of you for all that I have learned and experienced. I will never forget that. You have made this angst-ridden soul’s life a little more meaningful and a lot less sadder. Maybe even a little saner.

I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately,
I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life,
To put to rout all that was not life and not when I had come to die
Discover that I had not lived
- Dead Poets Society

I’ve never really been good at saying goodbyes; it causes incessant secretion from my tear glands, so I won’t.

“. . . well, I’ve been afraid of changing ‘cause I built my world around you . . . “
- Landslide


(my full name)
Executive Assistant
Princess of RCBC
Goddess of Shaw

*this was the last email i sent everyone in the office yesterday morning, before they deactivated my access.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

who will go?

last week, my friend had a birthday concert where i was a guest performer. we were supposed to sing a duet together, aside from the two songs that i have selected (thank God! normally, whenever we're at that place, they choose my songs for me) to perform. it was a fun experience. i haven't done that in a while so i liked the idea, even though i was reluctant at first.

after i sang, a lot of our office colleagues came up to me, asking me when my show is going to be and if i'd do it on my birthday as well. they seemed to genuinely like the sound of my voice and while i was embarrassed, i'm glad they did.

come to think of it, when M and i were still together, i really wanted to do my own repertoire. it's just that she didn't think people recognized the songs i wanted to sing. sure, they're not mine but that's the whole point: if through me, people can hear how good these songs are, they might just listen to them too. of course, we always fought about it. she always won because i let her and because the show wasn't just about me, it was about others too. you know, raising funds, sharing the limelight with the other band members. we had to consider the target audience too, so my acquiescence didn't necessarily mean she was right. it just meant that she is more inclined to bend and compromise what she listened to and sang and i didn't.

so if i were to have my own show, and this i told the people who asked me, if i did, no one would come to see it. i don't think they're familiar with most of the songs i want to sing and i know the few who are, won't be there to see me perform. these were the songs i wish i had written myself. but anyway, here are the songs:

1. Possession by Sarah McLachlan
2. My Favorite Mistake by Sheryl Crow
3. Rolling in the Deep by Adele
4. You Oughta Know by Alanis Morissette
5. Sleeps With Butterflies by Tori Amos
6. Dreams by The Cranberries
7. Decode by Paramore (or The Only Exception - slightly overused by pop artists)
8. Bring Me To Life by Evanescence
9. I Touch Myself by The Divinyls (yes, there's a song about masturbation bound to come out of there sometime)
10. Who Will Save Your Soul by Jewel (or You Were Meant for Me, as it is more apt to reach a wider audience)
11. Because the Night by 10,000 Maniacs
12. Piece of My Heart by Janis Joplin (overused by American Idol contestants)
13. Never is a Promise by Fiona Apple (or Criminal, because it is more upbeat)
14. Inseparable by Natalie Cole
15. I Don't Do Sadness/Blue Wind from the Spring Awakening OST duet with some guy
16. Dancing by Elisa
17. Maps by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs
18. Huling Yakap ng Mundo by Imago (or Akap or Sundo)
19. Maybe by Up Dharma Down

there are other songs i like which i can't remember from the top of my head at the moment. some of the above mentioned songs don't really showcase my range, but they're the ones i imagine myself performing in front of a crowd. these are songs i know not many people would pay to hear me sing, mainly because some of them aren't what you would normally hear over the radio, unless that station happens to be the now-reformatted NU107 or JAM 88.3, which i doubt people listen to. i mean, i'm not trying to undermine people, but those who know me, like really know me, know that i wouldn't sing from the heart unless it is a song that i really believe in.

so if i had a show singing these songs, will YOU go? and if you did, do you think you'll like them?

Saturday, July 02, 2011

the third restaurant

when you and i were in cebu, you were so drunk you couldn't remember the last restaurant we went to, before you spilled your guts out in between my legs.

two days ago, eight bottles of wine and a pool made me realize how you feel about that third restaurant.

i don't remember what happened. well, i don't remember everything. i do recall being in the pool. about having an argument with this and that person. about crying and making somebody else feel like shit they cried too. and that. and i yelled a lot.

i wish i could do it over again so i'd remember what it feels like. i wanted to enjoy it, feel good about it, under normal circumstances. i wanted it to be special, not just for me but for you. guess we can't do that anymore.

i can't begin to tell you how much i appreciate you being there for me. i can't tell you how much happy you made me. i don't remember much and i'm hoping that while you hang it over my head whatever it was i couldn't recall, that i didn't cause you any harm or make too much of a fool out of myself.

***
while most people have come up with interpretations that this song was about abuse and incest, it's just simply about Robert Patrick's (lead vocalist for Filter) experience on board a plane, when he was drunk, took off his clothes and had arguments with the flight attendants for stopping him.

Take a Picture
Filter

Awake on my airplane
Awake on my airplane
My skin is bear
My skin is theirs
Awake on my airplane
Awake on my airplane
My skin is bare
My skin is theirs
I feel like a newborn
And I feel like a newborn
Awake on my airplane
Awake on my airplane
I feel so real

(Chorus:)
Could you take my picture
'Cuz I won't remember
Could you take my picture
'Cuz I won't remember
Could you take my picture
'Cuz I won't remember
Yeah

I don't believe in
I don't believe in
In your sanctity
Your privacy
I don't believe in
I don't believe in
Sanctity
A hypocrisy
Could everyone agree that
No one should be left alone
Could everyone agree that
They should not be left alone yeah
And I feel like a newborn
And I feel like a newborn
Kicking and screaming

(Chorus)

Hey dad what do you think about your son now
Ah hey dad what do you think about your son now

(Chorus x4)