Monday, June 06, 2011

the unbroken link between me and Link

last night i went out with my classmates from high school. it has been years since i last saw them and i was a bit apprehensive about showing up. you know how it is when you meet people you haven’t seen for a while, they tend to ask you questions you don’t want to answer because you don’t know the answer to them or you just simply don’t want to hear the truth yourself. questions like: what are you doing now? do you have a boyfriend/husband already? shit like that.

i also didn’t want to show up because of the initial awkwardness i would feel seeing either Link or Jade again. Link recently got married and his wife just gave birth while Jade and i had this fight over text about how much of an asshole he was. i wasn’t looking forward to getting laid seeing it was that time of the month, but i sorta knew that if i saw either of them, it would come up.

Jade was still in the studio so chances are, he wasn’t going to make it. Link showed up. i kinda knew judging by the way he looked at me that it was there – the whole smiling thing he and i had a few years back. he was still hoping he could collect, after all my disclaimers: dirty house, monthly period, his marital status. i even told him about this young guy from work with the same marital status, who wanted to be “violated” and Link said that unlike that guy, he didn’t have a problem with a dirty house so you could tell that he was being very persistent. you’d think that since i haven’t been sexually active for the last forty-four months i would jump at the chance to get in bed with someone but here i was discouraging it.

i’d like to think that over the years i have changed or at least, my emotional quotient has increased. i no longer find myself in compromising situations and if i have, i try my best to do the right thing. case in point: Cebu. i liked this guy very much and i had all the opportunity to seduce him had i wanted to but we preferred to look the other way and respect each other. case in point#2: Marikina. we were both tired but i knew that if i tried to do something, somehow he would’ve reciprocated (or refused, either way, i would find out had i done something) but i didn’t. i couldn’t risk it. the friendship was too important.

i come to think now, that i do have this thing for assholes (Link said, “Ouch!” when i said this and yet he was still hoping to get laid, which confirmed it) because only a guy who comes out as strong as an asshole can make me bend my will (just like you did last Saturday – but don’t ever do that again as i have a name. i love that you apologized because you knew, i loved that somehow you could control me to a certain degree as if i were some kid – again, attractive and irritating at the same time) or succumb to my carnal needs. just like Link. to his credit, i find that he gives more weight to what i say better than Jade does. Jade is just that guy who takes everything that you give for granted but he doesn’t thank you for it because you give it all freely. he will never reciprocate or acknowledge the fact that you do everything for him. the thank you comes as an afterthought but there is no remorse. and all this time, after Link has made me the cold and unfeeling person that i am, i never thought that i would be grateful to him than i would Jade who was supposed to be “the more sensitive one”. yes, Jade, with all his pain and depth, is the bigger ass.

Link apparently still has that effect on me, or i to him. i told him about this conversation i had with Jade before when i was still immature and hoping that he and i would end up together. i just thought it weird and a big disservice to me that after all the years of friendship, it was perfectly acceptable that we had this carnal relationship but it never evolved into something deep and meaningful like an actual relationship, with commitment. di ba? Link just owned up to being an ass. obviously he was thinking with his second head. he didn't apologize but he never really pretended to be all nice guy goody two shoes with me. after all, he was the one who made me numb. he was the one who taught me not to care, that it was perfectly fine to have "something but not really" with someone.

i thought of you. ALL DAY. i thought of you, while with him. then i thought, you couldn’t care less what happened to me (except i feel and know you do), so why should i stop doing something that could be immensely enjoyable for me? of course i didn’t, given all the limitations i enumerated above. it didn’t have to be you. you and i have settled and discussed that i don’t think of you that way (even though that incident in the room made me curious) so it doesn’t have anything to do with the fact that it wasn’t you. it just simply wasn’t me anymore. i’ve matured.

Link is hoping to have a go with me again, that way. i’m having second thoughts because it has been a while but undoubtedly, that second thought isn’t coming from my brain but some other part of my anatomy. it would have been fun. but i know that i’m not just after fun anymore. i’m so much better than that and i definitely deserve nothing less.