Thursday, May 26, 2011

Bones: what IS wrong with me?

this afternoon when i woke up, while i was doing my last minute pack-and-check, i had the TV on with Bones as my background. they were investigating the murder of an extreme bike rider. it was also the episode that Booth was proposing to his girlfriend Hannah.

Hannah turned him down, saying she wasn't the marrying kind. next scene we find Seeley drinking more than usual at the Founding Fathers where Temperance joins him. he says that in his life, he has only loved three women: Rebecca, whom he had a child with, Parker; Temperance and then Hannah. he had loved them so much and while they felt the same way about him they didn't wish to marry him. he was questioning himself because the women that he cared for didn't like what he had to offer.

which made me think: how many people have i really loved in this life so far? and who among them actually gave me the time of day?

none of them did.

my so-called best friend of sixteen years (Jade), i have loved him since i laid eyes on him. i tried to be there for him when i can. but he never saw me that way.

my other so-called best friend (Link) for just about the same amount of time as the last one, played around with me for as long as i can remember but he never saw me that way either.

then there was this guy i liked for such a long time (Alex) and we seem to keep meeting each other.  for years after we've separated he's been calling me to greet me for my birthday and for a while it scared me that i might end up with him and i maybe couldn't handle it. or maybe we weren't going to be together.  i don't know.  i think it was the part where while together, he would use my landline phone to call my then-close-girlfriend.

it's almost like i wanted people to treat me like a doormat, like shit. i loved these people until i finally realized how stupid i was. of course, knowing my patience and endurance, it does take a while for me to realize my stupidity.

then there's you. i'm good with you not being in love with me. i've accepted it. i've gotten over it. it seems like what we've gone through together, the friendship we've had has seen so many tough times over the last two years we have been together.

so now, i'm going to tell you what Booth told Bones (in essence): i enjoy our partnership. i'm just going to keep on working with you and making the most of our friendship. i like working with you. i love what we have. i'm not going to expect you to give more than what you can actually give. in the same way, i am not expected to give more than what i can actually give other than my friendship.

there is nothing wrong with me. i don't think there's anything wrong with me. even if there was, as i am not perfect, i am well-adjusted enough to try to figure out what it is and try to fix it, not so other people will like me but so that i will like myself. when i finally like myself, love myself, then other people will follow suit. i have faith.  i believe.  there are just days when i can't help but wonder.