Saturday, March 26, 2011

i don't talk to Him a lot. but when we do, your name always seems to come up

while walking on the way home after my conversation with you, i hear this song playing in my head. i don't know why, it just does.

i don't know the whole story, only that a fan's partner was dying of cancer and that's where Sarah McLachlan got the inspiration to write this song. i know you're not dead yet, but it reminds me of you. somehow.

Hold On
Sarah McLachlan

Hold on
Hold on to yourself
for this is gonna hurt like hell
Hold on
Hold on to yourself
you know that only time will tell
What is it in me that refuses to believe
this isn't easier than the real thing
My love
you know that you're my best friend
you know I'd do anything for you
my love
let nothing come between us
my love for you is strong and true
Am I in heaven here or am I...
at the crossroads I am standing
So now you're sleeping peaceful
I lie awake and pray
that you'll be strong tomorrow and we'll
see another day and we will praise it
and love the light that brings a smile
across your face
Oh god if you're out there won't you hear me
I know that we've never talked before
oh god the man I love is leaving
won't you take him when he comes to your door
Am I in heaven here or am I in hell
at the crossroads I am standing
Now you're sleeping peaceful
I lie awake and pray
that you'll be strong tomorrow and we'll
see another day and we will praise it
and love the light that brings a smile
across your face...
Hold on
hold on to yourself
for this is gonna hurt like hell

you are probably the only true friend i will ever have in this lifetime.

of course, that's a very dangerous statement since i do have a lot of true friends, and they have been with me a while. they all have some amount of drama in them and i'm entangled at some way or another, just like they are to me. what i just said doesn't take away the fact that they are true. it just puts you among those people i will never forget.

but you. you have a drama all your own and i just seem to be "guest starring" in it.

I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE, I WANT YOU TO LIVE. i want you to be safe and be happy. you don't have to be with me, you just have to be happy. alive and happy.

i don't know why. i always seem to think about you. i don't really go to church a lot. i don't talk to Him a lot. not as much as i used to. i talk to Him about you, how i wish i could not feel this way about you anymore, or how i wish He would take care of you, just like i wish He would take care of everybody else for me. but now, now i just wish He'd look after you period.

what you do is no different from me slashing my wrists. we both have our reasons for inflicting pain upon ourselves, and in the process, inflicting pain on the people who care about us. i just don't want to lose you that way. i hope not to lose you that way.