Friday, March 11, 2011

angry girl journal 03.11.2011

you’d think i tripped because i was wearing my four-inch heels but no, i tripped and hurt my ankle when i was barefoot. talk about accident prone.

so he rings my phone to wake me a little before 7pm and i do remember standing up half-awake before i realized that my feet got tangled with the bed sheet and the blanket, making me fall on the floor, hitting one of the electric fans and putting all of my weight onto that one foot. it was as if i was drunk because it took a while for me to get up. with only vaguely an hour of sleep, what do you expect? it hurt so much, my foot. it took all my strength to get up and go back to bed. late for work, as usual.

***

i’m not going to do anything. i am not a horrible person. i will not make your life miserable by causing you pain but i am also not mad to indulge you. there are more important things worth stressing about because the world, after all, is bigger than you and me.

people will think what they want to think regardless of what you do or say anyway. i am not going to do anything.

***
while i appreciate that people are praying that nothing bad will happen to me, i would like you to know that more people wish me otherwise. case in point, this accident. i will get sick, i will get burned out, i will get into accidents. while i claim to call myself a goddess, I AM NOT INVINCIBLE. i don’t think i’m that indispensable that nobody else can do my job. you all are just pretty lazy and stupid. it's like they paid you to be stupid. you have people you delegate tasks to and yet, you still can't do your job right. it is pathetic.

it pisses me off that these people get paid to do something and they get paid more than most of us but they don't deliver. i know the job gets harder and harder as soon as your salary gets higher but i don't think there is any difference.

just because i am here to do things it doesn't mean that i don't aspire for more. or have a vacation, at least. i've said here before, i am fucking overqualified for this job already and should be doing something else. i am great at what i do and have the potential to do more. people at work don't take me seriously. well, some of them do but the rest just think i'm a pawn they order around. they're even meaner than my actual boss.

i really got ticked off when they said they are praying i don't get sick. i really really appreciate that but i don't appreciate the intention. they're selfish, they don't care, they only care to save their asses.

you know, there is a difference between not being able to express yourself properly in english and just being downright rude. and lazy. and selfish. because in one of Tina's trainings she mentioned that unlike Filipino, the English language can be pretty rude. it is very direct. that's why they came up with that saying that, "it's not what you said, it's how you said it," because delivery is essential. what you thought in your head was this really really sweet gesture, may turn out to be offensive if not said properly.

i would like to think they just don't know how to express themselves properly. there is no way in hell there is one person (or two. three. maybe more) who can be that mean or brain dead at the same time. but then again, i work with them so apparently they do exist. again, a constant reminder that life is not fair in the world.

***

i'm just gonna let you be. we're okay. steady lang. not going to do anything. again, too many things more important to stress about.