Thursday, March 31, 2011

if this is what i said, would i have had as much fun?

"There are always three speeches, for every one you actually gave. The one you practiced, the one you gave, and the one you wish you gave."
Dale Carnegie


almost everybody had a topic in mind but up until everyone was already delivering their presentations, i couldn't make up my mind about what i would do for mine. i just didn't. i had ideas in my head and i felt passionate about all of them. what to choose then?

then i thought: a day in the life of an executive assistant.

problem was how to apply what we have learned so far and where to begin. there was also the time constraint - you were only supposed to talk for five minutes. that includes the questions they would ask you in the middle of what you were talking about. kindly like what we had with debate, only we didn't have to argue with whoever asked the question.

extemporaneous is defined as carried out or performed with little or no preparation; impromptu. whenever i write, i speak from my mind. before i submit, i have a chance to proofread, see if i'm missing or talking too much about something. when i speak, whether i'm just with friends or speaking in front of a large audience, i have the idea in my head. but once i spew it out, i can't take it back. delivery is always a factor on whether what you will say is remarkable or enough to bury you under the ground.

i did okay the first time. i think. they said so. at least they understand now or have an idea of what i do or not do or what they make me do that's not part of my job description for a living. i talked about flirting for my fifteen minute presentation. who better to talk about flirting, right?

***
many of us are not aware but in our everyday lives we flirt. many of us have a negative perception of what flirting is. flirting is not just confined to finding a suitable mate. flirting is also used as a tool to get information or to get out of trouble. anything you do that builds some sort of connection with other human beings, whether with the same or opposite sex, can be categorized as flirting.

as stated by the experts, there are two types of flirting, there's the non-verbal flirting and then there's verbal flirting. non-verbal flirting can be expressed by smiling at your object of affection, smiling with your eyes (yes, the Tyra Banks way) accompanied by long stare. when one is all touchy-feely, he/she is also flirting.

then we have verbal flirting. when you are flirting with someone, you don't want to ask them questions that can be answered by just a simple "yes" or "no" or by just one word answers, the closed-ended questions. you want them to expound to stretch the conversation, that way you can be with them longer. you ask them open-ended questions, those that require them to explain or give more than just one answer. if you ask a closed-ended question, make sure to follow up with an open-ended question. you may also want to compliment the other person and be sincere when you do. it also helps to be polite. don't forget to smile.

more than anything, it helps if you just be yourself. now, if you don't like yourself then that's another story. we know we can't make people like us if we don't even like ourselves.

okay, now that i'm writing it down, i really can't remember half of what i said. i had a guide in my head. but that's the thing, what i said back there will always be different from what i have in my head now. i still have the same idea, but there are certain thoughts better read, some better said, some better left in your head.

it was a great experience, being in training again, meeting new people, learning more about them. it was also great learning more about me. maybe i'm a better speaker than i give myself credit for :)

i don't know. it's been a while and when you've gotten so used to your own parents not complimenting you, you get a little bit overwhelmed when other people praise you. i still haven't gotten used to that. anyway, i digress. it was a great training and a wonderful exercise of my creative juices. i recommend people from work who actually read this blog to enroll so they can learn something.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

i can only do 101 and it doesn't even get me anywhere

so last night we concluded our two-day training on being able to get your point across. now that i think about it, they were right when they called it a workshop rather than training since the whole idea is to get you to present yourself and a topic in front of people. i loved it immensely. i learned more about myself. i still don't know how to handle compliments considering i spent the last thirty-two years getting crap from my own father but i'm learning how to deal with it. i know how to appreciate good feedback now, not just getting used to the bad. i think.

i talked about myself for five minutes or so. i was the only who didn't have a deck prepared. i didn't know how to describe the feeling. i was confident in a way, because i could talk about anything. but then, being a cluttered mind, there was so much i could talk about! chances are, if i started talking about something, it wouldn't just be five minutes. so the key here was knowing when to stop.

i went into this class thinking i could learn more about preparing the presentation, which i did. i thought it was the more visual stuff, not knowing that the visual aid, the best visual aid one can ever come up with is himself. if you know the topic from the back of your head, you don't need visual aids. you don't need additional electronic tools. you are the tool. being in this class has taught me how to better structure my thoughts before speaking in front of an audience.

i had the idea in my head, flirting. but then again, where's the credibility in that? if you are to talk about something, you should at least be some sort of expert on the subject. i'm a flirt, yes, but, again, when you talk about something, people expect you to actually be the living proof of what you're talking about. and i'm not really the best person because i'm not getting any. well, i flirt, meaning, i'm touchy, i give people the look, i play with their heads with words, but who doesn't? everybody is a flirt, they just don't want to own up to it.

***
i know you love me. you don't say it but i know you do. it's not romantic love but one that is borne out of trust, mutual respect, true friendship. and i am good knowing that you do care for me. i don't expect anything more no matter what people say, or what people might think. they will say what they want to say anyway, they will never understand and even when they do, we have settled that it's hard to enlighten the people who refuse to see reason.* i am happy knowing that i have you in my life and i am someone you value. whatever we have works for us. i am good with that. after all, it's not that easy to make friends.

*posted with permission

Monday, March 28, 2011

normal is as normal as it gets

my friend Brian and i watched the last run of the play Next to Normal tonight. it was a nice play. depressing but nice.

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Next to Normal is about a family whose lives are in disarray because of bipolar disorder.

Bipolar disorder: A mood disorder sometimes called manic-depressive illness or manic-depression that characteristically involves cycles of depression and elation or mania. Sometimes the mood switches from high to low and back again are dramatic and rapid, but more often they are gradual and slow, and intervals of normal mood may occur between the high (manic) and low (depressive) phases of the condition. The symptoms of both the depressive and manic cycles may be severe and often lead to impaired functioning.

of course, you don't believe everything you read in the internet. the woman in the show was sort of like that.

i've been described as bipolar. maybe that's why the show meant so much to me, i could relate to the character so well. we went in there thinking we would need to slash our wrists on our way out of the theater but we didn't have to. it ended sadly. love doesn't have to die, especially when it fought the odds for so long. but maybe that's really how it is. so goes the song . . .

I am the one who loved you.
I am the one who stayed.
I am the one and you walked away.
I am the one who waited
And now you act like you just don't give a damn.
Like you never knew who I am.

the story is about a woman who never really recovered from the death of her eight-month old son and has had hallucinations of him growing up to be seventeen years old. the disorder has affected her relationship with her husband and her surviving daughter. after months, years of treatment, they still weren't able to cure the real disorder - their relationship as a family.

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my crushee, Felix Rivera

the actors were wonderful. i've had a crush on Felix Rivera since the Spelling Bee and i loved him even more in Avenue Q. here, i saw his abs and i'm a goner. Jett Pangan has become a strong theater actor and has proven his versatility. i've loved Bea Garcia since Spring Awakening and Menchu Lauchengco-Yulo is mesmerizing. Markki and Jake, the other two supporting characters were equally good. the show was depressing, humorous, entertaining.

the cast was also star-studded. we saw the original Dodong and a whole bunch of theater actors.

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the original Dodong of Zsazsa, Arnold Reyes

watching the play made me think, what is normal? what is acceptable? what if those whom we perceive as being "not normal" are better off than us insane people?

just a thought.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

i don't talk to Him a lot. but when we do, your name always seems to come up

while walking on the way home after my conversation with you, i hear this song playing in my head. i don't know why, it just does.

i don't know the whole story, only that a fan's partner was dying of cancer and that's where Sarah McLachlan got the inspiration to write this song. i know you're not dead yet, but it reminds me of you. somehow.

Hold On
Sarah McLachlan

Hold on
Hold on to yourself
for this is gonna hurt like hell
Hold on
Hold on to yourself
you know that only time will tell
What is it in me that refuses to believe
this isn't easier than the real thing
My love
you know that you're my best friend
you know I'd do anything for you
my love
let nothing come between us
my love for you is strong and true
Am I in heaven here or am I...
at the crossroads I am standing
So now you're sleeping peaceful
I lie awake and pray
that you'll be strong tomorrow and we'll
see another day and we will praise it
and love the light that brings a smile
across your face
Oh god if you're out there won't you hear me
I know that we've never talked before
oh god the man I love is leaving
won't you take him when he comes to your door
Am I in heaven here or am I in hell
at the crossroads I am standing
Now you're sleeping peaceful
I lie awake and pray
that you'll be strong tomorrow and we'll
see another day and we will praise it
and love the light that brings a smile
across your face...
Hold on
hold on to yourself
for this is gonna hurt like hell

you are probably the only true friend i will ever have in this lifetime.

of course, that's a very dangerous statement since i do have a lot of true friends, and they have been with me a while. they all have some amount of drama in them and i'm entangled at some way or another, just like they are to me. what i just said doesn't take away the fact that they are true. it just puts you among those people i will never forget.

but you. you have a drama all your own and i just seem to be "guest starring" in it.

I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE, I WANT YOU TO LIVE. i want you to be safe and be happy. you don't have to be with me, you just have to be happy. alive and happy.

i don't know why. i always seem to think about you. i don't really go to church a lot. i don't talk to Him a lot. not as much as i used to. i talk to Him about you, how i wish i could not feel this way about you anymore, or how i wish He would take care of you, just like i wish He would take care of everybody else for me. but now, now i just wish He'd look after you period.

what you do is no different from me slashing my wrists. we both have our reasons for inflicting pain upon ourselves, and in the process, inflicting pain on the people who care about us. i just don't want to lose you that way. i hope not to lose you that way.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

am i reverting back?

i just started training today and somebody caught my eye. she is really pretty and very funny too.

i am attracted to her but i think she's already taken. she even looks familiar, i just can't remember where i saw her.

***
i am flattered that more and more people are following my blog but i'm afraid that they're following it for the wrong reasons. because if you're only reading this to get updates on my sorry excuse for a love life, you'll be very disappointed. I DON'T HAVE ONE.

***

i really am enjoying watching Glee more and more these days. for starters, Kurt has finally come out and has been kissed in this season. they have a football coach with very masculine features getting her first kiss. Puck has a healthy voluptuous woman as a girlfriend and Santana is a lesbian!

i loved their version of Landslide with Gwyneth Paltrow. i loved the part where she said that she didn't like labels. i loved the part where she realized that the reason she has been so angry is because she couldn't tell Brittany how much she loved her. i think this happens to everyone regardless of your race, religion or sexual orientation.

all this fascination for lesbians and the absence of a constant romantic male companion in my life has led me to ask myself if i would consider going back to that option instead. then i realized that i don't really go out anyway so regardless of what option i choose, i don't exactly really have an option.

i don't really mind if i end up with another lesbian or with an actual guy. i am alone right now, aren't i? i've gotten by. i will find that person someday and it will be wonderful.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Bones: your brain takes three days to adjust when your world gets upside down

talk about hangover. i woke up just in time to see this new Bones episode on TV.

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they find the body of a rich young woman in a very bad part of town, skeleton entwined on a tree and they discuss how she got there. Brennan immediately notices the similarities between her and the victim, as they have the same height and weight and the dolphin ring on the victim's finger. when they bring the body (plus the tree) over to the Jeffersonian, they discover that she is a surgeon, the best in her field with no family. again, Brennan sees the similarities between her and the victim and wonders why none of her colleagues can understand why she is so much involved in the case, unlike in most.

she identifies more with the victim when she finds out situation regarding the transplant helicopter pilot that the victim had worked with. it turns out the pilot had professed intention to go further than just the friendship they were having, to something deeper but she turned him down. you notice that Booth gave Brennan this look too, while pilot was telling the story. more and more as she discovers something new about the victim, the more she couldn't stop thinking about how they are alike. when she saw the victim's ID photo she saw her face and while listening to the victim's case files, it was her voice she could hear and not the victim's. she thought about it so much she couldn't sleep and went back to the lab where she met with the security guard Micah. she tells him that she is having difficulty being objective and he tells her to try not to be objective in order to be able to solve the mystery of the dead surgeon.

everybody, including Booth, starts to worry about Brennan identifying with the victim as she is normally not like that and they ask Sweets to talk to her. they are all surprised that Bones is not her normal objective and detached self with regard to this victim. while Bones doesn't really follow what Psychology via Dr. Sweets tells her about her feelings with this particular case, she does follow, or at least, feel more comfortable talking to Micah about it. whether it's because most of what he tells her comes from what he learns in lectures given by the Jeffersonian or because he actually makes sense is not clear. i didn't even know Micah existed until this episode.

the point of this episode, for me, is that Brennan realized through this victim that she doesn't want to be alone and that she doesn't want to miss her chance. she didn't want to lose Booth. in their 100th episode, Booth professed his love to Bones. when he told her that insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different outcome, he wanted the outcome to be different, he wanted to take their friendship to the next level but she refused. she thought she was protecting him because she was afraid that she didn't have the kind of heart that Booth had in order to love him. Booth has moved on since then and now has Hannah, whom he says he loves and Bones cries because she missed her chance with Booth. i have never seen Bones cry like that.

quoting a different show, NCIS, where they said that, "life is too short not to tell people you love them if you do", i would say that Bones has always known she loved Booth, she was just afraid to tell him so. guess they've both always known but then, if they told each other how much they felt about each other, then what is there to watch?

in an experiment, and this is from a lecture that Micah attended in the Jeffersonian again, they set up a bunch of people who wore glasses that made them see the world upside down. after a while, they were made to take off the glasses and instead of seeing things right side up, everything was upside down. after three days, they could see the world right side up again because it takes the brain three days to adjust. it took Bones and Booth three days to solve the case of the Doctor in the Picture (we also see Booth saving Bones again, in the rain, again, as usual) and as Bones was wrapping up all of the victim's case files, she looked at the picture again, and saw that it wasn't her.

vack with a vengeance

i was both excited and apprehensive for yesterday. i wasn't sure it would turn out well. but i'm glad it did. see, i CAN make my worlds meet.

***
it was probably around four years ago (maybe more) when Zsa Zsa Zaturnah, the comic book, came out. it has been made into a movie and into a musical. we saw the musical yesterday.

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i remember reading the comic book and not wanting to put it down. it was so honest and funny and it was nothing i have ever read before. i almost missed my stop twice. people were giving me looks as i laughed to myself while reading it.

the show is no different from the book. in fact, it's how i imagined it to be when i first read the book and more. it was hilarious. i couldn't stop laughing. i had so much fun watching it. the music was fun to listen to and the actors were all great. i never thought Eula Valdez could sing like that and well, i was hoping to see Arnold Reyes as Dodong but Red Anderson was a passable understudy for him. while he wasn't exactly fabulous, singing-wise, his abs more than made up for him relying on his DNA. there was also one guy from the ensemble who was really cute. i think i will watch Noli Me Tangere in August just to see how good an actor he is.

the show-stealer was Nar Cabico, who played Didi, hands down. he was wonderful as Ernst in Spring Awakening, but here in Zsazsa, he is AH-MAY-ZING!

i look forward to the next chapter of Ada and Dodong's life in Manila. it has long been overdue but seeing the musical reminded us how much we loved the first book and why we patiently anticipate the next.

***
ok pala na me load ako pag weekend eh. you text me, i text you. we have a conversation. it's nice when you have friends who check on you. while you're with your other friends. it's nice having someone look after you. someone who watches your back. i'm glad you do. i'm glad it's you.

Friday, March 11, 2011

angry girl journal 03.11.2011

you’d think i tripped because i was wearing my four-inch heels but no, i tripped and hurt my ankle when i was barefoot. talk about accident prone.

so he rings my phone to wake me a little before 7pm and i do remember standing up half-awake before i realized that my feet got tangled with the bed sheet and the blanket, making me fall on the floor, hitting one of the electric fans and putting all of my weight onto that one foot. it was as if i was drunk because it took a while for me to get up. with only vaguely an hour of sleep, what do you expect? it hurt so much, my foot. it took all my strength to get up and go back to bed. late for work, as usual.

***

i’m not going to do anything. i am not a horrible person. i will not make your life miserable by causing you pain but i am also not mad to indulge you. there are more important things worth stressing about because the world, after all, is bigger than you and me.

people will think what they want to think regardless of what you do or say anyway. i am not going to do anything.

***
while i appreciate that people are praying that nothing bad will happen to me, i would like you to know that more people wish me otherwise. case in point, this accident. i will get sick, i will get burned out, i will get into accidents. while i claim to call myself a goddess, I AM NOT INVINCIBLE. i don’t think i’m that indispensable that nobody else can do my job. you all are just pretty lazy and stupid. it's like they paid you to be stupid. you have people you delegate tasks to and yet, you still can't do your job right. it is pathetic.

it pisses me off that these people get paid to do something and they get paid more than most of us but they don't deliver. i know the job gets harder and harder as soon as your salary gets higher but i don't think there is any difference.

just because i am here to do things it doesn't mean that i don't aspire for more. or have a vacation, at least. i've said here before, i am fucking overqualified for this job already and should be doing something else. i am great at what i do and have the potential to do more. people at work don't take me seriously. well, some of them do but the rest just think i'm a pawn they order around. they're even meaner than my actual boss.

i really got ticked off when they said they are praying i don't get sick. i really really appreciate that but i don't appreciate the intention. they're selfish, they don't care, they only care to save their asses.

you know, there is a difference between not being able to express yourself properly in english and just being downright rude. and lazy. and selfish. because in one of Tina's trainings she mentioned that unlike Filipino, the English language can be pretty rude. it is very direct. that's why they came up with that saying that, "it's not what you said, it's how you said it," because delivery is essential. what you thought in your head was this really really sweet gesture, may turn out to be offensive if not said properly.

i would like to think they just don't know how to express themselves properly. there is no way in hell there is one person (or two. three. maybe more) who can be that mean or brain dead at the same time. but then again, i work with them so apparently they do exist. again, a constant reminder that life is not fair in the world.

***

i'm just gonna let you be. we're okay. steady lang. not going to do anything. again, too many things more important to stress about.

Sunday, March 06, 2011

i can pull it off but i can't stomach it

so we try another one of them experiments where we see what happens and how people will react to it. my friend and i try to act dumb and see what we can get away with by being a damsel in distress.

she and another friend drive around the area looking for food and she gets pulled over for making a wrong turn and she says, in her very ditsy voice that she wasn't from there while putting her hair behind her ear like a high school girl.

i can probably pull it off.  i did go to acting class.  it might come off as really awkward but i think i can make myself appear helpless even when i obviously can beat up someone.

i've been alone for a very long time and i've been accustomed to doing things for me and taking care of myself. being the damsel in distress is so not me.  i literally had an upset stomach when we got back to the hotel.  i think that's my body telling me in its own little way that i cannot be dumb.  or ditsy.

end of experiment.