Friday, December 30, 2011

angry girl journal 12.29.2011

how can people sleep at night (or in our case, the day time) knowing that they’ve deceived someone, let alone, a whole group of people? i don’t understand.

i’ve had this problem before and i was so frustrated that i couldn’t do anything on my end to stop it. now it’s happening again and i still can’t do anything about it. but i have people now who support me, people who can actually vouch that i am telling the truth, that i’m doing something good with this life.

these people are earning more money than the agents, the agents are doing all the work that make them look good and yet, the agents don’t really get all the benefits of their hard work. it’s sad, especially when they see that only a few people get the perks, and these are the people that don’t deserve it.

I AM NOT PERFECT. I HAVE TOO MUCH SHIT GOING ON IN MY HEAD. I MAY NOT ALWAYS KNOW WHAT I’M DOING HALF THE TIME, BUT I GET THE WORK DONE WITHOUT HAVING TO STEAL FROM ANYONE.

they always say that if you're going to do something stupid, you have to make sure you won't get caught. my suggestion is to not to anything stupid at all.

di ba?

don't shit on your backyard so as not to destroy your credibility.

i hate that people think that just because i act the way i do and speak the way i speak that i have no idea what i’m talking about. i do. i hate that they think that way. this is where i go back to saying that I sometimes hate being great at what i’m doing now because nobody would ever think of taking me seriously or think i should move forward because nobody else can do my job as efficiently as i do. my friends and fellow EAs know this. we all have the same sentiment. people other than our bosses rely on us too much to the point that we are doing things that are not required of us.

i hope that someday you will realize that what you are doing is a bad thing and i hope someday you will pay for it.  for people who are supposedly religious and righteous, you have no integrity.  i have no respect for scum like you.

God bless your poor unpure soul.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

eroticism makes for good poetry

"like anyone would be
i am flattered by your fascination with me
like any hot blooded woman
i have simply wanted an object to crave

but you, you're not allowed
you're uninvited
an unfortunate slight . . . "
Uninvited, Alanis Morissette
City of Angels OST


it has been said that a vampire cannot enter a person's house without any invitation as the home serves as a sanctuary and automatically gives protection from any outside demonic influences. once invited in, however, the gateway has been opened and the vampire is free to come and go as he pleases.

that is why i cannot invite you to my house. whether or not you are serious about your offer, i honestly don't know who the vampire and who the prey is anymore, between us. i really don't know how to react. now that i've thought about it, this thing we have, whatever it is, has been going on for a year now. i might want to actually do it.

minus a few grammatical errors, you really know how to mess with my head and other parts of my anatomy without actually touching me. i do have a very vivid imagination.

which gets me to thinking: am i only for that deed only? why was it okay for Jade and Link to think i would be good enough for bed but not good enough to be a lifetime companion? am i just a sex object? if i am just that, then why don't YOU find me desirable? if i am indeed desirable, how come the only ones who think so are the ones who cannot be with me anymore?

i really like the way you play with my head. i really like you period. but i can't. i don't think i can, not anymore anyway. i am still very much tempted but i will still very much decline.

Monday, December 26, 2011

. . . six am, day after Christmas . . . the world is sleeping, I am numb . . .

i was awake while everybody else was asleep so i slept for the most part of the holiday and today.

coming from a friend's house after our common friend's wedding, i met with my friend and her girlfriend for breakfast. after that i went ahead and brought old clothes as donations for the Sendong victims before going to my parents' grave. then i went to work and bought food for the guards and janitors working the shift. that was Christmas for me.

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you don't have to be here physically for me to know that I am loved.

i am inexplicably sad this year considering that i have spent the most part of my life being alone anyway. i don't know why. i tried not to inflict others with my sadness so i just slept for the most part.

sleeping is good. it makes up for being awake and sad.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

best Christmas party ever

"it's Christmas time, there's no need to be afraid . . ."

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so goes the song. so goes the invitation that i got via Facebook calendar and via text message about the party being thrown by The Ronnies. i haven't watched gigs in a while and i said that if there was one gig i had to see before the year ends, it would have to be theirs.

a few years back, i got to sing with them and i had a blast. that to me was the best gig ever. this was reinforced when i saw them again last night. i had so much fun, i even forgot that i was sick and in pain the whole week from my kidney (or another possible urinary tract infection - who knows?) and from the unending stress that i receive from work. i said that i was going to have fun and drink at whatever cost. and i did.

i even got to sing with them again. we wanted to hear Borderline so i whispered the request real quick to Ronnie who agreed but said i had to be the one to sing the song. okay. done.

i miss singing. i miss having fun. i miss going out and not having to worry about the things i have to do, or the things i don't have. i miss not having to worry about work or my failing health.

like they said, it's Christmas time. no need to be afraid. no need for stress either.

***

it was weird seeing you again. not that you still have this effect on me or anything but i do remember exchanging not so good words with you through text. and then we just went back to being nice again to each other without actually ever talking about it. you act like there's nothing wrong and you act like i still don't mean anything to you even after you keep asking me how i am. i keep thinking if you're sincere about it or if you just want to feel better about yourself because you're an asshole and you have not been a good friend to me for the most part of our lives. you're still not a good friend. and i am over you. i have been fine without your affirmation, you know. you take me for granted even though i'm the only one who's been true to you, the only one who's really been loyal to you all these years, following you and supporting the poor excuse for a singing career that you have. oh well, you didn't like being mainstream anyway, right?

it's nice that you ask how i am. you haven't exactly apologized for being mean to me and that debacle in 2006 but i appreciate the effort you're exerting. it's nice that you're trying to make up for being an ass. even if it's twenty-one years too late.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

angry girl journal 12.15.2011

i'm so tired. i am in so much pain. i can hardly stand. my kidneys are acting up again.

i normally have a high tolerance for pain but this is unbearable for me. i wouldn't complain if i can still take the pain. but now, i am having difficulty standing up and i even feel pain when i sit or lie down.

they say that urinary tract infection is common among those who work for a call center (i know i work for a bank now, but it follows the same concept) and i am at risk. i should know because i've already had a kidney stone before. more than anyone, i should be careful: i should drink lots of water, avoid salty foods, eat fresh fruits. and i shouldn't hold my pee when i need to.

good luck with that.

it's sad that the person to notify in case you're in an emergency is dead. or asleep.

i hate getting sick.

***

i never thought i'd have to say this to you, but i love you. i love you so much. i just don't like you anymore.

Thursday, December 08, 2011

music to visit sick friends with?

for some weird reason, this song kept on playing in my head on my way to your house.

Fix You
Coldplay

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you



i won't try to change you. i know i won't change for anyone. i love you because you're perfectly imperfect. i know there are days when i can't really help fix your life considering i can't even save myself but i will always be here for you. that i can assure you.

Monday, December 05, 2011

angry girl journal 12.03.2011

the last time we had this conversation was in august, when i went to your house and i did my best to lift your hopes up. you were so down that day and i wanted so much to take your pain away, to help you set your life straight.

and now it's happening again.

sometimes i fear i don't understand how you resent what they do for you but somehow i can make you sane. these are people you actually care about. what would i do differently to make you listen to me when they can't make you stay long enough to hear what they have to say?

***

i love this song. they used to play it in NU107 and every once in a while, they would play it in JAM 88.3. it was also featured in So You Think You Can Dance 6, with Eleanor and Ryan dancing to the choreography of Travis Wall.

Your Ex-Lover Is Dead
Stars

God, that was strange to see you again
Introduced by a friend of a friend
Smiled and said 'yes I think we've met before'
In that instant it started to pour,
Captured a taxi despite all the rain
We drove in silence across Pont Champlain
And all of the time you thought I was sad
I was trying to remember your name...

This scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin
Tried to reach deep but you couldn't get in
Now you're outside me
You see all the beauty
Repent all your sin

It's nothing but time and a face that you lose
I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose
I'll write you a postcard
I'll send you the news
From a house down the road from real love...

Live through this, and you won't look back...
Live through this, and you won't look back...
Live through this, and you won't look back...

There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave
You were what I wanted
I gave what I gave
I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save

I'm not sorry there's nothing to save...



it talks about the most awkward situation of seeing your ex after a long time but somehow you haven't exactly moved on yet or even if you have, that feeling where you don't really want to stay because you're afraid for the other person because he/she may not have been as resilient as yourself. it also talks about how you did everything you could but at the end of the day, there was nothing more that could be done for that relationship but to end. great song.

i would've marched with PRIDE

last week was very busy for me. we finally got permission from Corporate to use the company logo for the PRIDE March. it would have been my first march. most of the members of the committee were on leave so it was up to me and the remaining members to get people to sign up and march with us. of course, the free t-shirt was an incentive to people who would show up but we wanted to make sure that people would show up for the cause and not just because the shirt was free.

for those of you who just tuned in: I AM A BISEXUAL. my longest relationship was three years with a lesbian i met in law school whom i call "M" here. i've always known at an early age that i was different. i have always been attracted to both girls and boys (i think the "asshole pattern" applies to both as M was full of it) and it is not something i am ashamed of. so when the opportunity came to become a member of something like this, i wanted to become a part of it.

i've always said, i wanted to be able to embrace my truth, and this is one of those truths about me. i am attracted to women and men and i am open to having a meaningful relationship (or one with just crazy mindblowing sex) with either sex just as i am open to the idea of ending up alone. it's a choice i made a long time ago. some people might say it's a vague choice; that it's playing safe or wanting to enjoy the best of both worlds, but my point is: when i love, i do not see a man or a woman, i see a person whose heart, mind, soul i am attracted to.

in a way, i'm doing this for friends who are not as open or brave in facing their demons and making choices. i don't care about how other people perceive me or what they say about me and i take pride in who i am and what i have become. of course, there will be debates on Christianity and morality which i will not delve on right now. i just feel i have an obligation to those who have made their choices in life, to stand up for our rights and beliefs. we have to stand up for ourselves.

anyway, coming from my shift, i had to print out the registration forms for the march and we had to move from one building to another since the systems in ours were down. mad rush to other building to reach one of the committee members' assistants. i had my friend redo the file since i couldn't open the one he did. we were able to print out the forms but as soon as we got a cab i felt my blood rush up to my head. it was one of those days when once sunlight hits me i get dizzy. i threw up twice and had to make the cab stop before we could even reach the venue.

he wouldn't let me march anymore. he said i should just go home after we gave them the forms. good thing, some of my friends were there in the area and we told them to pick us up. my head didn't feel any better in the car but at least i wasn't throwing up anymore.

i felt really bad i couldn't march. later in the evening i got a text message saying that our delegation had the most number of turnouts. it made me happy that even if i couldn't physically make it, they knew i was there in spirit and our efforts paid off.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

angry girl journal 11.20.2011

the last time i saw you was the night you kissed me. we didn't really talk about it anymore. we just started texting each other again like nothing happened. i wasn't even supposed to show up. but i needed to see you. i wanted to show you that you have my love and support as you were going through one of the toughest challenges we have to face: the bar exams.

you stared at me for a long time. i haven't seen anyone so surprised and so happy to see me in a while. and when you finally overcame the initial shock you hugged me and it was so tight,i had to tell you to let me go.

i love you and i know somewhere in there, you have love for me. i don't know to what extent or what degree. i cannot qualify. i love you as a brother, a best friend. i could've loved you for more. but we never got that far. i was never someone else to you other than your sister, your friend, your rock. we could've been lovers. we could've been the best of friends. but you had to kiss me. and that's just a natural occurrence to you: kissing girls when they're vulnerable. i'd like to think i'm not just like everyone of your girls. i'm supposed to be special. i guess not. you never saw me for more than i was, for what i could be to you. you never said anything to make me stay, or think that it wasn't just sex to you. so i went ahead and hurt you back, by going to him.

we didn't talk about it anymore. we ignored the fact that it happened. which means it can happen again. i don't want to lose you that way. i care for you so much, i value our friendship. i don't expect to be anything more to you than what you can give me, but i don't deserve to be treated less.

***

i never wanted you to say that about me. well, sometimes i wish you would and you rarely do without provocation. i am glad that you feel that way about me. i just hope you know what it means.

i will never give up on you, even when you've given up on yourself. that's what i'm here for. i just hope you won't forget.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

much as i hate to admit it, i had a Randy Santiago fixation

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before i became the rocker and advocate of independent Filipino music that i am today, i was a die-hard fan of Randy Santiago.

Randy who?

for those of you too young to remember, Randy Santiago is the son of film director, the late Pablo Santiago and brother to director Rowell Santiago and actor Raymart Santiago. he is an actor, television host and singer. he was really big in the mid-80s because the dark shades were supposedly mysterious and attractive and he had a certain playfulness about him.

i was young then and didn't know any better. i figured i got tired of playing chess everyday and studying so he was my first form of rebellion. i watched the shows where he was, when i could. i bought his albums when they came out. i even wrote to him. of course he responded with the template he sent to everyone else of his fans. i was just so ecstatic to get it. i kept hoping his career would pick up and his concerts would be big the way Gary V was or Martin Nievera was but he can only do so much. there is limited opportunity for a guy with dark shades on, whose voice isn't exactly as remarkable as Pavarotti's and whose lyrics are repetitive, cheesy and lame. i've heard love expressed in better way.

we faithful lose interest in our icons and move on to someone else. i graduated from elementary school, met up with Jade and got re-introduced to rock and new wave music. from then on, there was no going back for me and crappy music. Randy, on the other hand, lost his mystery and charm and got hitched. he also got ditched from some of his shows and his songs didn't generate as much attention as they did in 1987.

i don't deny being a big fan of Randy Santiago. i loved some of his songs, they had meaning for me at the time. some of them still have meaning for me now but they don't have as much of an impact to me as say, a song by U2 or Radiohead or Pearl Jam or Alanis Morissette. i hardly remember some of the songs i loved then. you can say i've outgrown pop music, mushy music and moved on to deeper stuff (with some guilty pop pleasure here and there every now and then); i've become more passionate about rock music and the lifestyle. i've realized now that local talent doesn't have to have a popular surname; that hard work is rarely recognized or given an opportunity to be heard by the masses. i'm not saying Randy didn't work hard enough to get to where he is. i'm just saying acts like him, they get old and even if they learn new tricks, they still seem old.

Tuesday, November 08, 2011

dear friend

i just finished reading the book the perks of being a wallflower. it just took me two days. it was that moving and interesting.

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the book talks about a high school freshman, Charlie, whose best friend Michael committed suicide before the beginning of freshman year so he has to face high school alone. he has an elder brother who was a football superstar in the school and a sister in senior year. he became friends with a guy in his shop class, Patrick, and his stepsister, Sam, whom Charlie has a crush on. Charlie constantly writes to an "anonymous" friend about the things happening to his life: how he deals with his Aunt Helen's loss, his "favorite person in the whole world"; his relationships with his family; his friendship with Patrick and Sam and their experiences being high; his first girlfriend, Marie Elizabeth; the book assignments his English professor, Bill, gives him and the music he listens to.the book talks about his experiences with drugs, with girls, with guys, and his bouts with his own disorder and the traumatic experiences he had in the past. he doesn't expect his "friend" to look for him or to write back, but he feels grateful that he has someone to write to as a sounding board.

i wish i had a friend like that. i wish there was some random person i could talk to openly about my thoughts without having to feel ashamed or guilty for feeling certain things. i have this and i don't, can't even find the time to write for it sometimes when this was supposed to be my outlet so i don't have to resort to suicide. it's sad that i can't write as often as i'd want to without even caring if anyone read, heard or felt the same way. it's sad that even if i did have the time, nobody cares enough to listen to my thoughts or what i have to say anyway.

i wish i had a psychiatrist. pay someone by the hour just so i can lie down on a couch and talk. sometimes, that's all i need. someone like Charlie who listens and understands. someone like his anonymous friend whom i can write to and not have to worry about what that other person thinks or feels - whether he is being judged or not for all his thoughts and actions and the way he reacts (or not reacts) to the things going on around him.

i used to think that having a diary or a blog or someone to write to constantly was a good thing. that way, i wouldn't have to feel so bad or so alone because there would be one or two people out there who may have felt the same way at one time or another. being able to say out all those pent up emotions can be a relief, whether it's frustration over a colleague at work or unrequited love or indifference to your blood relatives or just being alone in general. Charlie had a family who was very supportive and he had someone to constantly write to, a professor who gave him books to read and write about and a circle of friends whom he enjoyed being with while going through his first year in high school, and yet, somehow he still felt all alone, still inside his head all the time. i could relate to Charlie in a way that, even if i know i can rely on people and i can also write about it, i still feel alone.

" . . . we accept the love we think we deserve . . . "

i still feel alone. i guess i'll always be alone.

Sunday, November 06, 2011

this is truly a crazy planets

when i first heard the saxophone intro of Radioactive Sago Project's Gusto Ko ng Baboy, along with Lourd de Veyra's voice, i was drawn to it. i have never heard anything like that before, save for Meryn Cadell's The Sweater Song and the banter between Cheech and Chong (which sadly, i won't get to hear anymore since NU107 was the only station that played them) every Christmas. Radioactive Sago Project showed us the beauty and brilliance of spoken word.

it is no wonder that people are drawn to his words. Lourd is such a great writer. he is smart, sarcastic and funny. brilliant. his views are much like ours. very patriotic, yet honest. angry and yet, he seems to encourage everyone out there to wake up and do something. it's like we already know these things, nobody just has the balls to say them out loud. kinda like Mon Tulfo, but instead of wanting to slap him in the face, you thank him for making us see.

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a few months ago, Lourd released a book compilation of all his essays in spot.ph, This is a Crazy Planets. i recently got a copy of the book and i couldn't put it down. it was so funny. it was so interesting that even if i needed to sleep, i couldn't. it also made me want to write again, on a more regular basis. i figured, i've so much pent up emotion, instead of wanting to whack somebody on the head, i would just write about it. i do need practice. reading the book compilation of his blog posts made me realize how much i loved music and how much i loved writing. the only other two people who made me feel that way are Jessica Zafra and my second year high school teacher. of course, i'm not as brilliant but reading makes me want to aspire to be.

the book showcases Lourd's thoughts on our self-proclaimed Oprah of the RP, Kris Aquino; an homage to Rico J. Puno and Pacquito Diaz, AM radio stations and old Filipino action movies. he also introduced us to the TNL blog which shows a manifesto of what a real man (during these times when there are so many gay men - i don't mean to offend, i'm just saying as a matter of observation) is supposed to be and what a real man should and should not do. it's also just P195 and i strongly suggest you get one. the book is a better companion with your Starbucks coffee than a boring person.

Monday, October 31, 2011

why i don't have a Twitter account

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when a friend found out i blogged he asked me if i also tweeted and i told him that i don't need that much attention. many of my friends have been bugging me incessantly to have a twitter account and i don't. i don't want to. they've even offered to open the account for me but i have refused. vehemently. they said that if there was anyone who should have a twitter account, it should be me. i agree. but it's a matter of principle that i don't use it. i have nothing against people who do. i respect their right to tweet and i would appreciate it if people gave me a break and respect my right to not want to.

1. i live alone.
this is also the reason i don't "check-in". if people knew where i was and what i was doing real time, then my life would be in danger. even if i am ugly, i do have stalkers. i don't think people need to know where i am and what i am doing all the time. i reserve that right for only a few people.

2.i'm an angry person.
no, let me rephrase that: there are things that people tend to do that piss me off. if i changed statuses for every time that i was pissed, then i end up pissing a whole lot of other people. just a random angry thought in Facebook makes about at least a dozen people react when it's not even for them. i should know.

3. they say that "tweeting" is the new texting.
if you wanted to have me in one of your events, i have a phone, CALL ME. TEXT ME. why is it okay for everyone else following your account to find out about this event but not me? why should i have to go through all the trouble of opening an account if you can just send one text message that wouldn't even take you five minutes to compose? when you tweet, you want to be able to "announce" something to everyone whom you feel are special enough to share that information or event with you. but are they all THAT special? aren't there certain people you want to really be with that a phone call or text message, as an added courtesy, will make sure that they're there?

4. i have random acts of quirkiness.
i have thoughts and feelings i share with particular people. that's why they became my friends. that's why they love me. when i think about something, there is always one or two people that i would like to share it with and only they can understand what i mean when i say it and they will not take any offense that i did. the thoughts are meant for someone in particular, not for everyone who might not share the same memory or feeling i have towards that something. besides, it takes away the meaning of a "private joke".

5. i blog for me.
i need it as an outlet for my feelings. i cannot limit my thoughts to just 140 characters. i have so much pent up emotion as it is that i have to let out. if i cannot say them the way i want to, then i'd rather not say them at all. it defeats the whole purpose of venting out if you cannot vent the way you want without fear of being misunderstood or when you're limited by the length of characters allowing you to vent.

like i have mentioned before, it is an anti-social tool. i respect those of you who have it and the people who follow you. but it's not for me. it takes away the personal nature that a voice or a letter can bring to someone or to me. it is useful for people who are on-the-go, those who only have time to read a line or two about something, to people who need to know right away. while i am fond of technology and all the wonderful innovations that it brings to our lives, i may still be very much old-fashioned with certain things. this is one of them.

so if you come across a twitter account with my name on it, chances are, it's not mine. if i do decide to have one, i'll blog about it first.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

all for one, one for all

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my friend and i watched the new Three Musketeers movie yesterday. i honestly had hesitations watching it since i didn’t know anyone in the cast, save for the guy who played D’Artagnan, Logan Lerman, whom we last saw play the role of Percy Jackson, Milla Jovovich and a somewhat ugly ruthless version of Orlando Bloom. what i really wanted to see was In Time, the Gattaca-esque movie starring Justin Timberlake and Amanda Siegfried. i was more after his supporting cast than i was interested in seeing the former 'N Sync frontman. ihe trailer caught my eye when I saw Matt Bomer (White Collar), John Galecki (Big Bang Theory), Vincent Kartheiser (Angel, Mad Men), Olivia Wilde (House) and Cillian Murphy (Sunshine) so i really wanted to see it. i mean, i really feel strongly about the movie. if it turns out to be crap, i wanted to be the one to realize it and not just have someone say to me that it is, when it is not. we do have different tastes. you all watched No Other Woman, right? i didn't because i personally thought, just by looking at the trailer, that it wasn't for me. that's how i feel about In Time. i saw the trailer and i knew i would like it. guess i’m gonna have to see it some other time.

all the time i was watching the movie i kept on thinking who played Porthos in the Three Musketeers movie where the song All for One, All for Love came from. i can remember the other three for the movie The Man in the Iron Mask but can’t remember Porthos. i think it was Oliver Platt.

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after much reflection and googling, i found out that it is Oliver Platt. thank God for good memory - i'm still not THAT old. i personally love the aging musketeers, from The Man in the Iron Mask. it showed them as valiant yet flawed, and that even in old age, there are friendships that last a lifetime. even with a serious plot like that of treachery and hunger and greed, it had some pretty funny scenes.

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anyway, the 2011 story and how the film was made was impressive and it grew on me despite my not liking to watch it at first. it was humorous, like the previous film in 1993, and quite entertaining. it made me love the musketeers all over again. it made me believe that love and friendship exists and chivalry is not a crime even for just a hundred and ten minutes.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

dragging our race to new heights

i'm currently fascinated by RuPaul's Drag Race Season 3. i love drag queens. i especially love this season because it features Raja (Sutan to those who are long time fans of America's Next Top Model) and our very own Karl Westerberg, or as she is more popularly known, Manila Luzon.

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she got her first name from the capital of the Philippines and her last name from one of the largest islands, Luzon. i love her because she is funny and she is very much proud of her heritage. she is aware that Asians are a minority in the US and she doesn't mind making a parody of our race. she is very talented after all and it is what she always proves in her performances:  Filipinos are not just domestic helpers, caregivers and boxers,  they're performers of the highest caliber.

really proud of you, girl!

Monday, October 24, 2011

STOMP

if we had better seats, i wouldn't have dozed off in some of the scenes. i feel bad that i did.

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the show was magical. they were amazing. these great artists made music from the most unlikely objects: brush brooms, trashcans, matchboxes, lighters, sand, newspapers, tires, water containers. everything. i dozed off several times since i had to slouch to get a better view so "everything" should cover it.



minus the part we were in the cheap seats (of course, you are surrounded by cheap people - sorry, i mean, those people who like to do annotations of everything going on because one or two people from their group couldn't get it - i didn't mean poor and uneducated) given the limited number of performances they had here in Manila and everybody just wanted to see them, it was one of those best shows i have ever seen in my life.

they were hilarious. each and everyone of them had a way of captivating the audience and getting them hooked. when they were done, the audience was begging them for more. it was worth the long commute, the slouching, the stiff neck i now have.

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i hope to get the chance to see the show again. with better seats. other than that and some initial "hassle" we encountered, i loved the show.

*pictures taken from www.stomponline.com*

Monday, October 17, 2011

what's YOUR number?

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Allison Darling is worried that nothing is going to happen to her love life as her younger sister Daisy is getting married. not only did she just get laid off from her marketing job but she is getting pressured by her mother to bring a suitable boyfriend as her date to the wedding. as if that wasn't enough, she read this article in a magazine that says the average woman only sleeps with 10.5 men in her lifetime and those who reach up to twenty find it hard to find someone they will be with for the rest of her life.

on the eve of her sister's engagement party she vows to stop at twenty only to wake up with the guy who just fired her. so she seeks the help of her front door neighbor, Colin, who like her, has some issues in dealing with relationships. she tries to find all the previous guys she has been with in the hope that one of them may still be single and better off now than when she first dated them.

she and Colin hit it off so well but her premise is that she already wasted her life with twenty other assholes like him who cannot be with women for twenty-four hours without sleeping with them. then she reconnects with the first guy she ever dated (because Colin did find him after all), Jake, this really hot guy you really want to bring home to mommy. but then he cannot accept her for who she is. she gets back with Colin and it is presumed they live happily ever after.

of course, like her, in my head, i was counting the guys (and yes, the girls) i have been with and while watching the movie, it has occurred to me that i may have already let "the one" get away or maybe i will never find "the one". the culture here in the Philippines, no matter how westernized we have become, still believes that a woman should only sleep with the guy she is married to. while i don't necessarily believe that, with the growing population of great looking intelligent gay men, i'm running out of options very fast. then there's also the fact none of the guys i ever dated really considered me to be their "one" so . . .

like Allison, i'm not perfect. i have had my share of assholes, hell, i'm perpetually attracted and attached to them, despite my best efforts. but it doesn't mean i deserve a decent guy any less than the next girl. i'm damaged and i may want someone equally damaged but only damaged enough to understand that i'm not perfect. because nobody is.

" . . . i'm not like the girls that you've known, but i believe i'm worth coming home to . . ."
Tori Amos, Sleeps with Butterflies


i haven't given up hope that i will find love someday or that love will find me. the number shouldn't matter.

***

one of the songs featured in the movie was this song. it's funny, it's cute and even if all the guy really wants to do is get you to bed, with the way he sounds and the honesty he portrays, you just might want to have that one-night stand.

Wicked Way
Ben Taylor

I just want to take you out and get you drunk so I can have my wicked way with you
i'm just being honest 'cause I know the other guys are thinking just the same way too
And i'm not gonna lie and say that I will take you out to dance
there's just no chance 'cause I don't even like the same music you do
I just wanna have my wicked way with you

So don't you fight it
Cause I know you're gonna like it
Show me some skin I might bite it
I wanna have my wicked with you.

So i'm not gonna come over and meet your mom and dad
They know that I was bad
I don't want to meet your friends or just pretend I like you
And I don't want to talk about what happened on your favorite tv show
I just want to get you close enough so I can take off all your clothes
And i'm not gonna make you cry or break your heart girl we don't have the time
i'm just thinking of three hours or more
So I can have my wicked way with you

don't you fight it
don't knock it 'til you've tried it
Show me some skin I might bite it
I wanna have my wicked way with you
My wicked way with you
My wicked way with you.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Anne Curtis is evil.

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of course, you will ask, "what has she done to you that would make you even say that? she has not done you anything wrong"

maybe she has.

a few weeks ago, my friends and i decided we wanted to try watching a movie at this mall in the South again. the last time we went there was on my birthday last August. i pretty much wasn't a happy camper as i didn't get to sleep after my shift before meeting with them and i had to go all the way to the South. then i find that the MRT is busted so i had to take a bus. traffic was really bad. by the time the bus got to the Shaw area, i saw the train working again.

again, this is not Anne's fault, you say. you might even say it's my fault - should've left early, should've argued with friends to meet somewhere nearer to where we all lived, etc. but i couldn't leave early. i couldn't sleep well after my shift. and i cannot predict the MRT operations. we all could've met in Bulacan and i still might have been pissed because of the lack of sleep.

by the time i got to our meeting place, they were all done with dinner and i just had to catch up. afterwards, we got ready to buy our tickets, only to find out that after 7PM, the movie theater switched the movies they were showing (Friends with Benefits, Change UP, etc.) to movie everyone in Manila is watching right now:



Anne has done nothing to me, personally. she doesn't even know i exist. but she affects my life even if she doesn't mean to. she affects the people around me, without meaning to. and it irritates the shit out of me.

people who have seen her movie keep on posting lines off it, overusing it to the point that it makes me want to vommit.

it's also not nice for her to present herself as, "an ordinary girl". sweetie, most ordinary girls don't have a body like that, their lips aren't full like that, they don't have guys as handsome (not my taste personally, but only for the sake of the argument) Sam Milby and Luis Manzano for ex-boyfriends. of course, you get your heart broken like everybody else, and you shit like everybody else, but you're not like everyone else. you don't represent the common woman.

the common woman is either too thin (for lack of nutrition - we live in a third country whose minimum wage is, well, not enough) or too fat (we stress eat, we work hard, give us a break); the common woman does not have naturally pouting lips like that. please.

the movie in itself is so bad it's supposed to be good. i didn't see it. i don't plan to. i am surrounded by people at work who have seen it, i don't even have to know what it's about. they're practically telling you the story. you know how it is: you've been bombarded by so many things about something that you're sick of it even before it even begins. it's like condoning, tolerating adultery by making a film with supposedly cool lines in it to make you think cheating on your partner is okay. i feel strongly about this, being someone who's been cheated on, being someone who's cheated and being someone considered as "the other woman" - which is weird because the women who accuse me of this are those whose partners i don't even touch or don't find the least attractive.

i don't like her. i don't like what she supposedly represents. i think she is fake. you're more than welcome to hate on me for saying this - this is a democracy, after all. i can tell you i think she is evil and you can tell me that i am the devil incarnate for saying so. you can tell me that i'm bitter for being fat and ugly and i can tell you that her voice will never get any better than it is. there are far better vocalists who deserve a singing deal. i can just go on for days.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

missing my kids at the cheering squad

i miss my "kids". when i moved over here, we just concluded the Sports Fest in the previous company and they were starting theirs here. it reminded me of them and how much i missed them, how much work i put into them. i recruited them for the group, i supervised almost all their practices, i fed them, i supported them, i got them their costumes. kulang na lang ako magsilang sa kanila eh.

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but the kids here. i don't feel as strongly about them as i should. maybe i will eventually but my allegiance right now still remains with the old group. they are better and much cuter. i know that sounds mean, but like a mother, i'm also protective of this group.

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***

here we go again. you don't have to thank me or say you love me all the time. i know. i love what we have and i accept that this is what we have. i just don't want to have to lead you on to say it. i want you to say it not because i led you to say it or because you had no choice but to say it, like i forced it out of you. sometimes i just need to hear it. it does help a friend sometimes if he/she knew that she is doing a great job as a friend, that you are grateful that she is there for you all the time, whenever you need her, for moral support, for venting, or when you're short of cash. sometimes, you just feel like how all my other friends treat me: YOU TAKE ME FOR GRANTED.

***

i like you. i like talking to you. but like everybody else i've pined over, i don't think this will go anywhere. i'm not hot or exceptionally attractive for you to want to be interested in me. and besides, you are already spoken for so i wouldn't even waste time thinking about how good you look.

if only you didn't look so good.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

the stalker becomes the stalkee

as they say, everything comes full circle. even the art of stalking.

for about two or three weeks now, i've been a bit paranoid because the sidecar boys have been asking me if i'm already going to work. without meaning to offend them and without giving too much information i accommodate the inquiries. i don't really want them to notice any real pattern about where and when i'm going because you cannot really trust anyone these days. i'm not trying to be mean or judgmental - just trying to protect myself. i've seen to many shows about serial rapists and killers not to be too careful.

just this week, one of them asked if they could get my mobile number for someone. said that someone is interested to know about me. apparently, i have an admirer. they said that the person asking for my number has been waiting for quite some time now but is too shy to approachme . they said i've seen him around i just don't notice.

I DO?! most of the time i just step out of the house and leave. how am i supposed to notice who waits for what and who?! if anybody had the time or resources to bother waiting and asking around, that would be reason to be scared right?

the next day, he finally sits with me, this kid (i was told he is only 24 years old)and asks me what took me so long because he had been waiting all afternoon for me to come out. then he asks me arrogantly for my number. if you had worked in a call center and have some experience with inbound sales, you may have heard of the term "presumptive close" which is basically assuming that the other person already wants to buy something you're selling, blindly and without question just because you said so. in this scenario, this guy believes that i will miraculously give my number just because he said so. again, he didn't ask for it, he was "ordering" me to give him my mobile number. ha! like i would fall for that jedi mind trick.

of course, i didn't give him my number. of course, i wasn't impressed. of course, by the time i got to the main road to go to work, he was disappointed that a girl like me would still have the galls to reject him.

i don't judge people by their appearances and i would welcome the opportunity, every chance i get, to meet new people. but a guy like that, with his SMS (Small Man Syndrome - short guys tend to overcompensate for their lack of height), and his lackluster approach to me, didn't really give me much to work on. didn't get me interested at all. you'd think with all that time in his hands waiting for me, he'd be prepared to rebut all my statements to deter him from getting my number.

while i think it's really sweet that a young man would sit and wait all afternoon for a mean old fat lady to come out of the house to go to work (it's also creepy, really), and the gesture could make any girl melt. all that waiting wouldn't really get anywhere. he doesn't look like he's going anywhere. my life has no direction as it is. i don't intend to babysit. i'm already babysitting people who have direction, and we're still going around in circles. imagine how difficult it is to take care of someone who doesn't even know what he wants to do with his life, or doesn't have any plans. i may be patient but i just don't want to waste my time on this.

oh, and while i do have this thing for arrogant assholes, these are the type who can fend for themselves and who have accomplished some sort of license to be arrogant, i don't have time for arrogant bums.

Monday, September 05, 2011

so much for moving to a new environment

it truly is a small small world.

i was thinking that if i left the company i was currently in to move to this other one that i'd be rid of some of that pent up anger and negative energy from working in the previous company. i had anticipated that some of the people who i worked with would be here but i didn't think i would see so many people i know.

a friend had a recommendation for me: if you don't want to see them, chances are, they feel the same way about you. so if you see anyone you know, just smile. if they don't smile back, you just stay as you were, as if you haven't seen anyone or anything.


***

it doesn't really help that we see each other still. or we talk on the phone everyday. or text each other. or email each other. part of the reason i took this gig was to run away from you. forget you. well, not really forget you, but get over the romantic feelings for you. because there are days when i can't draw the line anymore. we're not together anymore, we don't work together but somehow it just feels like i never left.

of course, i'm over you. there are just days when you tend to act a certain way which makes me react a certain way and frankly, i don't want to have to deal with that all over again. it's exhausting, to say the least. if you decide to move here then it will never help me. i have moved on from those feelings. i am okay with us being friends. you just have to act like one. it doesn't help me, as a person, when you as a friend, say this and that, but you're never really up to it. i don't need an absentee best friend. if you move, we'll start fighting again and there will be talk again and i'm so sick of that drama. you moving will mean that i have someone to rely on, some of the time, but more for me to worry about.

i wish you the best of everything. i know you are a great person and i know you will make a wonderful contribution, given your amass of talent to this company. i just won't know how to deal.

Saturday, September 03, 2011

would've appreciated the latino crash course

my friend and i just watched the musical In The Heights. i've heard about the play from my friends and i had no idea what the story was about only that it's a great musical and it had a latin flavor to it. i didn't even know if i would like it. but when i saw Felix Rivera get out the stage, i had a smile on my face. i knew i was going to like it.

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the story is about a community in Manhattan's Washington Heights where everyone has grown to be a family. Usnavi (he got his name from one of the navy fleets when his parents arrived in the country) owns a store where everyone gets their coffee. there is a parlor right next to it where his crush, Vanessa works. there is a cab terminal right next to it, owned by Kevin and Camila Rosario, who want nothing but the best for their only daughter studying at Stanford, Nina; Benny, the only non-Spanish speaking member of the community and Kevin's employee, falls in love with Nina; and then there's Abuela Claudia, who is the matriarch of the neighborhood.

each and everyone of them have big dreams, high hopes. Kevin wants to make sure that Nina doesn't have to work as hard as he did, having a demanding father. Nina wants to make it on her own without worrying her parents. Benny wants to have his own car service. Vanessa just wants to get out of this town and Usnavi - well, he just wants to ask Vanessa out and fulfill all of her dreams.

i didn't have high expectations of the characters as i didn't know of the story beforehand so i wasn't disappointed. although i have to agree with a friend's observation that Felix, having been a regular of these plays, doesn't become his character anymore. he's just Felix. and watching a play, you want to fall in love with the character, not just the person playing it. i feel that while i loved the story and the actors did a great job of playing the characters, they didn't exactly "transform". some of the songs were good and entertaining, i just didn't understand them as they were in Spanish.

lastly, i just hate it when people watch a play, just for the sake of watching or because somebody put them up to it, so they don't try to understand what it is to you or what it means for other people. there was this one scene, one of the more important ones in the play where the matriarch dies and everyone is sad, teary-eyed and very emotional and some idiot in the audience (person behind me) said, "sino si Claudia?" (who's Claudia?) and it totally ruined it for me and my friend. we had to stop ourselves from laughing. pay attention next time, sweetie.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

it's like my life flashed before me 2

so i had to keep quiet because i was the only one in the lot who read the book and knows exactly how it would end, but somehow, it still shocked me.

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there is no denying that Anne Hathaway is an amazing actress. not to many people might agree with that but i like her and i believe, that even with the slips in the accent (it is set in London, St. Swithin's Day, every year, since 1988 and she is not Dr. House), that she has given Emma justice. the breakthrough artist is Jim Sturgess, who does a good job of playing the "most annoying (in the book, he is "odious") man on television and yet, you could feel his pain, upon losing his mother to cancer, and later on, losing Emma.

of course, reliving the story through the movie brought back those feelings again, which is great considering it IS my birthday after all, and that's not something you want to celebrate with. but then, growing to be this old means learning to endure the pain of unrequited love, of death, of being alone.

i am not a kid anymore. i make mistakes and learn from them; i decide how to live my life, stand by those decisions and live with the consequences. we all want to change the world, in little ways, big ways; we all want to feel love and be loved; we all want to make a difference. we all want to be missed when we are gone and secretly wish that those who weren't paying attention would regret doing so when that happens. i know i do. i also know i don't want to miss telling people i love them when i do. carpe diem, remember? if it doesn't work out, if they don't love me back then at least i don't have to carry it with me to the grave. i am heavy enough as it is, i don't need to carry any more excess baggage. at least now, i just know enough not to let myself be taken for granted anymore. do allow for slips in judgment, though. i do have patterns, and some of them aren't very good.

i still wish i had my own "Dexter". not the serial killer Dexter but the One Day Dexter. maybe i already do. but if i did, i'd still wish i also had an "Ian" to make him realize that i have been here all this time.

why wasn't it you, Jerald?

it always rains on my birthday.

today, it's not just rain. there's a storm. hopefully, it means that i will be "stormed" and "inundated" with blessings.

***

i was touched when you said that my birthday is already in your heart. i honestly thought you were too busy you forgot. sorry i had little faith in you.

***

call me a pompous bitch but if you're going to watch a play, especially at the Cultural Center of the Philippines, then you should be dressed for it. if you're taking third year high school kids on a field trip, you should know better, you should tell them that theater isn't like the movies.

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when i was in high school, we watched Ibong Adarna in first year, Florante at Laura in second year, Noli Me Tangere in third year and El Filibusterismo in fourth year. this was how the work of Jose Rizal, along with other Filipino literature, was introduced to us. it might just be me, but like i said, if you're going to bring these kids to watch theater, so that they can learn to appreciate the art behind what it is, then you should also educate them about how they should dress and act when watching it. it's bad enough that theaters require funding and so many people do not appreciate the art anymore, but to not teach kids how to act/react effectively when seeing them is very disappointing.

***

i was really sad that Jerald Napoles wasn't the guy playing Elias in the Noli i saw. no disrespect for the actor playing in this show, but i thought that there was a height match up for Juan Crisostomo Ibarra played by Gian Magdangal and Jerald. he would be a huge Elias to Mark Bautista's Ibarra.

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this would've been the match up i was hoping for. yes, i am more after proportion than anything else. plus, i have a crush on Jerald Napoles, and it's my frigging birthday. it's raining, no, there's a storm out and it will cost me another P300 for a cab to go home after this play, not to mention, how much it cost to watch it, on my birthday, when i could've just stayed home and slept. the least the cosmos could do, since i wouldn't really end up living happily ever after with the one person i want was to allow me to watch the play with my favorite actor, right?

oh well, next time, Jerald.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

a test of my perspicacity

perspicacity - acuteness of mental perception and discernment; keenness of mental understanding

i had to look that word up.

i love Nick Hornby. it is his sarcasm and humor, apart from the fact that most of his stories deal about relationships, music, movies and books that make him so endearing to me.

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without interruption, i could've finished the book in one day, maybe less. now that i'm done with it, i don't have anything to read anymore. i never felt this excited about reading anything in a while and i am happy that i am reading books again.

the story is about domestic partners Annie and Duncan who have been together for the last fifteen years. Duncan is obsessed with Tucker Crowe, a reclusive artist who has not come up with an album in the last two decades after releasing an album entitled Juliet. when the record company sends Duncan a copy of the acoustic versions of the Juliet songs, aptly titled "Juliet, Naked" and Annie listens to it first, he gets pissed. he gets more pissed when Annie tells him how much she dislikes the Naked album, compared to the Dressed, so he writes a post on his blog reviewing Naked and praising it. when Annie posts a comment on the blog telling everyone how much she thinks the full scale band versions of the songs are much better, she gets a reaction from no less than Tucker Crowe himself and they end up being email buddies.

Duncan cheats on Annie with his co-worker Gina so she asks him to move out. Duncan found Gina more interesting simply because she agreed on his views on Naked but soon found her to be mad and boring and asked Annie if he could move back in with her. meanwhile, Tucker and Annie become really close through their correspondence, with Tucker even paying Annie a visit when he comes over to see one of his daughters who had a miscarriage. of course, when he and Duncan encounter each other, Duncan thinks that Annie stooped down too low by going out with an older man who disguised himself as Tucker Crowe just to piss him off.

i found this book both funny and weird. relatable in some way. being with Duncan made Annie realize how much time she wasted staying with him and regret not leaving him much earlier when she should've. it's weird that she has developed this high school girl crush on Tucker when, come to think of it, Tucker was her biggest competition for Duncan's attention. Duncan was never as obsessed with her or as enthusiastic, or as interested about the intricate details about her life (and this was a man she lived with for fifteen years) as he was about Tucker Crowe. imagine Duncan challenging Tucker Crowe to prove how much he knew about Tucker Crowe.

while i can be a little bit "artsy-fartsy", for lack of a better term, when it comes to music, because i like what i like and i do have a tendency to bash other genre for their lack of class or value, i don't think i would be that obsessed as to think myself more superior than others or to isolate the people around me, especially the ones who care about me. that's how Duncan was to Annie. he put Tucker on a pedestal and took her for granted. then he dissed Tucker's latest effort after twenty years when he (along with the other Tucker fans on the blog) thought that the record wasn't at par. i mean, who are these people to judge the man? to a certain degree, as followers, we believe or get accustomed to a particular sound that our icons come up with but if they start to innovate or veer away from what we got used to, it doesn't give us a license to declare that the new effort is crap. as artists, they are entitled to a bit of room for creativity and exploration of new sound, just to see which direction the music leads them. this is especially true, when in the story, the fans came up with so many speculations as to why Tucker stopped playing, they made up all sorts of facts, they set up so many expectations for Tucker. there was so much hype that the man would be better off if he hadn't played anymore.

i would also like to say that i am disappointed because i know guys who are like Duncan. Duncan who would rather stay with Gina even though he wasn't happy anymore just because he didn't have the balls to tell her off or have the money to get his own place. Duncan who would exert so much effort traveling to all the places Tucker had been, writing about his life, his greatness, his wonderful talent but couldn't even compliment Annie for the little things she has done for him over the years they have been together. while they mostly have intellectual intercourse (because apparently familiarity kills the libido) and Annie is a worthy adversary, he tends to belittle her because he always has to be the more knowledgeable one of the two of them. he always has to be right. personally, while i like getting other people's opinions as it is healthy exercise for the brain and i don't agree with them most of the time, i certainly don't think i am better than them. i try to absorb whatever i can get and learn from it. Duncan is a stubborn ass. but then most men are.

***

i miss you. i keep thinking about you but i don't want to have to be the first one to say hello. not that it's a contest i keep losing but i know you're busy. i know you need me to vent on and i also know you'll end up just calling me on Saturday to ask how i am, like you have been ever since i left, but it's different this Saturday. this Saturday is my birthday. i don't want to hope or wish that you'll remember (i'm working with Nathan again and even he tends to forget) and i don't expect you to surprise me like you used to. i don't even know why i am feeling this way. i shouldn't second guess you or i might just hear you say, "o ye of so little faith" so i'm just going to let things happen if they will.

but i am allowed to miss you, aren't i?

Monday, August 22, 2011

because in Glee, everyone's a winner

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it came down to the final four. since they didn't know what to do, Ryan and Ian, creators of Glee, called back Lindsey, Sam, Alex and Damian to find out who would be the best person to create a character for in Glee Season 3. all the other nine contestants who didn't make it (or quit. remember Cameron quit?) were called back one last time to back them up, give them support as they performed for their lives to get a chance on the show.

i thought it was really sweet that Damian dedicated his last chance performance to Hannah and Cameron, his two best friends throughout this whole journey. you never know, but maybe Damian could be attracted to Hannah the way she is to him. we never really know what really happens in reality on reality TV so what was presented as a unilateral delusion may just as easily be a mutual understanding.

Cameron came back and as i said before, i love Sam. he's different and he projects himself to be wrapped up in his own world, despite being a Christian and stuff, but i don't know if Sam can portray the Christian character they say they need on Glee that Cameron actually is. i mean, being all that good and not having to be in the bottom three really bit his dreadlocked ass. it would be great to see how it all pans out for him, versatility-wise. after all, while they ask these kids to be themselves, to show their personality and their strengths and weaknesses, if the creators of Glee decide to write them up for something else, then they need not be themselves. they just need to sing and act and follow choreography. right?

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so Damian and Sam won. Damian is just lovable and the one who had grown the most throughout the competition while Sam, like i said, has just been very good period, from a competition standpoint. Alex and Lindsay are given two-episode archs for season 3, which is like just setting them up to be an overbearing, more competitive fake Rachelle and an Afro-American Kurt. maybe for some weird reason they'll still manage to get Cameron, Hannah and Matheus and the rest of the Glee Project 1 hopefuls as extras for future shows so in actuality nobody really lost. Glee just had a pool of trainees to pick from. o di ba? after all, in Glee, losers win.

in the name of love and video games

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there's something about Michael Cera that make me stay up and watch even though i really need to get some sleep. Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World is one such movie.

it's about this twenty-two year old slacker from Toronto named Scott, who lives with his gay roommate Wallace. he plays bass for a band called Sex Bob-omb and is going out with a seventeen year old high school student named Knives Chau. everything seems to be fine until she meets American Ramona Flowers in a dream and eventually sees her in the flesh while hanging out with Knives in the school library. after their awkward first meeting in a party, he decides to have a package delivered to their apartment to ask her out without breaking up with Knives first. he then receives an email stating that he has to kill all of Ramona's seven evil exes before they can date.

what makes this movie so cool despite Scott's indifference to almost everything (sometimes not caring for anything is a good thing - for one, it is less stressful) is the fact that it's humorous and ingenious. everything's a video game. you kill your girlfriend's ex and you receive coins in the process. you see a bar deplete above your head after you pee. the music is awesome, the stars are awesome and it's funny. i wouldn't mind watching it over and over again.

wouldn't it be nice if someone fought all your exes in the name of your love?

Sunday, August 21, 2011

crazy, stupid, love

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we've heard the reviews, seen the trailer and Ryan Gosling's "photoshopped" abs so we decided to see the movie Crazy, Stupid, Love and i must say that i immensely enjoyed it.

and because i'm not really good at reviews just like the film critics i'm just going to tell the story like it is: Cal discovers that his wife Emily had an affair with a co-worker and is asking for a divorce. after he moves out the family home, he goes to a bar frequently to mope about how his wife cheated on him, catching the attention of womanizer Jacob. Jacob befriends Cal and turns him into a womanizer like himself because he claims that Cal lost his manhood which led his wife to cheat. his first encounter, after Jacob's "mentoring" was with Kate, who gets turned on by his honesty, and him not calling her back, just as Jacob had taught, would've been great and perfectly convenient, if she weren't his 13-year old son, Robbie's teacher.

Hannah is taking the bar the exam and Jacob hits on her but she turns him down because her boyfriend looks awfully like Josh Groban, except he's a lawyer here, not a singer. her friend, Liz played by Filipino-American actress Liza Lapira (seriously, you guys could've come up with a better name for her character) thinks she should've jumped on Jacob and dumped Josh. when Josh's proposal turns out to be an invitation to work for a law firm rather than marriage, she seeks out Jacob in the bar to have sex with him but they just talked. yeah, they just talked. i mean, that scene in Dirty Dancing is hot, but there are other ways to get a woman in bed.

anyway, Emily finds out that Cal has gone out with nine other women aside from Robbie's teacher so she decides to go have a date with the co-worker she cheated with, David Lindhagen played by Kevin Bacon. of course, Robbie, believes that Cal should get back together with Emily and dislikes David because he believes that his parents are soul mates the same way he and his babysitter Jessica are soul mates. only, Jessica is in love with Cal. nice 'no? so Cal seeks Jacob for advice on trying to win Emily back while Jacob asks Cal for advice on how to be a presentable boyfriend meeting Hannah's mother. who happens to be Emily. mas nice, 'no?

this movie may easily be an explanation of the theory of the six degrees of separation. from Kevin Bacon.

the movie is funny, smart and the twists were very much unexpected. but the underlying theme, which is love and fighting for it, that's what came out. Cal didn't approve of Jacob to be Hannah's boyfriend having seen him work the women in the bar at first but seeing how Hannah has changed him and how his son Robbie stopped believing in love, he worked on renewing Robbie's faith in love and reconnecting with Emily in the process. who says that love speeches are overrated? too bad not everyone who professes love in a public forum ends up living happily ever after. i had a smile on my face going out of the theater nonetheless. because we are all crazy. we are all stupid. we all love. and we all get a little crazy and stupid (some more stupid than others - yes, i am guilty!) when we love.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

a postcard you should give to every strong, independent woman you know

my friend Chris saw this card in one of the museums he went to and decided to get one for me and our other girl friends.

i like the message that it sends, not just to every Filipina, but to everyone in general. it shows a girl sporting a boy's cut, wearing the traditional Filipina outfit (a baro't saya, i forget) and elevated flipflops. it's so cool. what's even cooler is the message at the back:

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I am Filipino, born, raised and living in the Philippines.
I am not backward, barbaric or warlike.
My house is not open to all.
I don't readily open my door to strangers.
I am not always hospitable.
I am kind and respectful and I expect the same treatment from others.
I am not rich.
I work hard to earn a living. It is my right to be paid my dues.
Doing domestic chores, manual labor and working as a babysitter in a foreign land aren't the only things I am cut out to do.
Whenever/If ever I save money I like to travel, to see the world and learn about new cultures.
I didn't apply for and get my visa to the United States with the intention of going there to land me an American citizen.
I have no intention of being an illegal alient in the US.
I like to travel, that's it.
I don't wash my clothes in the river.
Neither do I live in a tree.
I am not Catholic. I am not Protestant, Born Again, Opus Dei, El Shaddai or Muslim.
I do not belong to an organized religion.
I firmly believe in religious freedom and tolerance. I am not evil.
I do not eat dogs.
In fact, I do not eat meat.
I am vegetarian because I don't have a taste for killing.
I am not adept at handling a balisong, or inclined to dance the tinikling and I don't have a penchant for singing.

I don't know everything but I am not ignorant, naive or uninformed.
I read books. I study. I analyze issues.
I am not pliant, meek or docile.

Finally,
My country may be economically poor but I don't like being called provincial, or referred to as an exotic being from the islands and a third world citizen.

And, I suppose, neither do you.

pretty strong and yet, meaningful, isn't it?

Sunday, August 14, 2011

it's like my life flashed before me

the goal was to finish reading the book before the movie came out in Manila theaters. i finished it early this morning, or one week, to be exact. that's something i can say i can be proud of myself, considering i can't even get myself to pick up the other books that i bought.

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it was the trailer that caught my attention, actually. that and the stack of books of the old cover that they were putting up on sale because the movie was going to be out soon and they wanted to sell at a much higher price the cover that featured the actors. of course, aside from the wonderful trailer featuring Anne Hathaway and Jim Sturgess (i heart him ever since Across the Universe), the idea of a book about friends who have been with each other for approximately twenty years got to me. who from the opposite sex have i been friends with for that amount of time? and what happened?

One Day is the story about two friends, Emma Morley and Dexter Mayhew, who had an almost-one-night-stand after their college graduation, and have been friends ever since. while there has always been that sexual tension between them, they did not ever explore what could've been between them until after they have both been involved with someone else (him, more than her, he was such an insensitive wanker) and it didn't work out. for all his insensitivity though, one of my favorite lines in the book, which is also featured on the back page, is this line Dexter wrote in one of his few letters to Emma:

"you're gorgeous, you old hag, and if I could give you just one gift ever for the rest of your life it would be this. Confidence. It would be the gift of confidence. either that or a scented candle."

Emma wanted to change the world through her writing and had always been Dexter's big supporter in his TV presenting career. he had always believed in her when she didn't believe in herself and while he knows and notices how wonderful a woman Emma is, he didn't find out how wonderful until it was too late.

as i read the book i felt more and more bad about myself. i could relate to the characters. it reminded me of those years when i was this masochistic rejection junkie. i don't even know why i was such a doormat, allowing people to take me for granted like that. there was jade, then link, and a bunch of other guys, and then there's you. i think, i'd like to think that i have grown over the years not to dwell on those thoughts anymore. i have realized that i cannot go on my life waiting on someone who doesn't love me back. and that thing that they always say about how you keep searching for something for so long when it was just right in front of you. IT DOESN'T HAPPEN. not in real life. well, not in my life anyway. i have always been dangling, whether intentionally or unintentionally, in front of someone, but somehow they never saw me that way and no one in my line of sight seems to be sticking around long enough for me to notice them pining over me. trust me, all four eyes of me were paying attention but there is no one there.

i wish i had my own "Dexter". not the serial killer Dexter but the One Day Dexter. maybe i do. but if i did, i wish i also had an "Ian" to make him realize that i have been here all this time.

and yet, that's why i love the book and anticipate the movie. i want to feel somehow that there is still hope for me, for someone i love and someone who will hopefully love me back, even if it does take some years in the making. if it is bound to happen, it should be wonderful, right? i have done time. it's only right that when it does happen, if assuming it will ever, then it will be wonderful and no one will regret wasting so much time ignoring what was just there because they have known all along.

Tuesday, August 09, 2011

it's a singing competition after all

Hannah got booted out of the Glee Project.

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sometimes i wish that Ryan Murphy isn't just there to pick out who's going home. he should also be there to check on the videos and homework assignments. Hannah won this week's homework assignment, she was believable. while she isn't the most talented singer in the group, she is a very capable young actress. well, she got distracted by Damian, but let's give it to her that she was believable, she was effective. she's someone, like Cameron, or Matheus, or Ellis, that you can watch and relate to on Glee. i don't understand why she was not on the call back list.

while i love Samuel and am a big fan of his voice, he wasn't effective for me. like Lindsey, who looked like she was forcing tears out of her eyes, he didn't make me feel anything. i didn't feel like i could relate to him pining over someone who didn't even know he existed. he just seemed like he could get anyone he wanted and even if he did like someone who didn't give him the time of day, you wouldn't really believe that he had that kind of problem.

Hannah had that problem. she had the hots for Damian but she wasn't confident enough to think that Damian would reciprocate what she felt. add to that her lack of self-esteem because of her weight. despite all of that, Hannah was, is funny. she is a great young actress who can sing. she can rap and she is someone people can watch and relate to on Glee. if Glee is still a show about how a bunch of school rejects turn to music to give them confidence and make them feel good about themselves, it shouldn't be about perfect people. it already stretched its boundaries by featuring gay and lesbian characters, i believe it should also send a message of self-love for those who don't look perfect - those with weight problems, height problems, just like when they got the girl to play Becky. Hannah, just like Ashley Fink's character, Lauren, could've done that. or Matheus.

now, all that's left are Damian, Samuel, Lindsey and Alex. i want to root for Alex, young African-American gay teenager with loads of talent. but i can't. he has the tendency to be overconfident, over-the-top, and flamboyant. Damian is too cute, Samuel is too attractive and too talented to be an outcast and Lindsey is fake. in my opinion, anyone who could've been a fun character to watch on Glee after graduating from the Glee Project has already either quit or not been called back. good luck there.

Saturday, August 06, 2011

a welcome break from all the superhero movies

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Larry Crowne went to work just like he would any other day thinking that he would become employee of the month for the ninth time in a row only to find out that he is being fired from his job because he didn’t have a college education. having spent the last twenty years as a navy cook, he never had the opportunity or the time to go back to school, so he worked as a store attendant. since he cannot find a job, being in debt with the bank when he bought his ex-wife’s share of their house, he decided the only way he could get re-employed and get ahead is if he went back to school.

Mercedes Tainot has been drinking to ignore the fact that after all her efforts in educating the students at the community college, they have forgotten how to care. her husband likes to look at porn when she is not around, in the guise of working when he is supposed to be writing his new book. it has gotten to the point where they don't get each other anymore.

Larry and Mercy meet when he attends her class in English 217, Informal Remarks. kinda like Extemporaneous Speech that we had, you speak about a certain topic without any preparation whatsoever for the next two minutes or so. anyway, Mercy thinks that the younger woman that Larry hangs out with, Talia, is his girlfriend. when you do have an ex-husband who likes to check out younger girls with big knockers, you tend to think that every other guy is like that. Talia just finds Larry amusing and she helps him out with his wardrobe, his haircut, things that would make him look cooler being in college again. of course, it makes her boyfriend, Gordon, jealous, but she just means well and Larry is pretty much aware that she is young enough to be her daughter.

this movie is amazing because it makes you feel good. it reminds you to respect other people because of their race, age, sexual preference, religion, education. it also reminds you to always do the right thing, to face the consequences of your actions. it also talks about chivalry. because gentlemen never talk about what happened or did not happen between himself and a woman.

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that night Larry gave Mercy a ride home, something could have happened between the two of them. they could've chosen to follow their bodily urges but they took a step back, not just because Mercy is married, but because they have a professor-student relationship which is a conflict of interest. these days, people forget that while they owe it to themselves to be happy, that there are certain boundaries that you are not supposed to cross. this movie reminds us that. aside from reminding us that we all need to focus on educating ourselves, whether in or out of school, for us to be better, it tells us that we should not allow our personal needs to cloud our judgment.

watching the movie Larry Crowne is a refreshing change from all the superhero movies that we have been bombarded with in the cinemas lately. like Tom Hanks' other movie, Forrest Gump, with Larry Crowne, it's like opening a box of chocolates: you never know what you're gonna get. in the end, i felt good that i came to see it.

naive but endearing

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Cameron shocked everyone when he decided to leave the competition after six weeks in The Glee Project. last week we fell in love with him when Lindsey stole a kiss from him and he broke down in tears and called his mom. that was so sweet and innocent. almost a bit naive but very much endearing. it made us want him to stay longer in the competition.

in the current Glee cast, we have a conservative, hopeless romantic gay teenager (Kurt), we have a scheming sexually active bisexual (Santana), a sexually active Jewish boy (Puck)who is still trying to get his full figured girlfriend to do it with him (Lauren), a horny Asian couple (Tina and Mike) and the president of the celibacy club who got pregnant by her boyfriend’s best friend (Quinn). so you can understand why Ryan Murphy, executive producer for Glee, wanted to keep Cameron. they don’t have a straight Christian character who will fight for what he believes in rather than give in to peer pressure and just do something because everybody else is doing it.

here was a guy who among 40,000 kids all across America, got to the final twelve because of his unique quirkiness. despite his natural charm as a singer, Cameron is awkward, gets picked on and is pretty much a geek, making him someone people will watch at Glee.

quitting because you feel selfish getting an opportunity someone would work harder for is a big sacrifice. Damian and Cameron have become best friends in this journey and Cameron quitting saved Damian from being eliminated. you don't see that everyday. while most kids, most actors right now, will go to great lengths just to get ahead in life, here was a kid who was giving it all up because he wanted to stick to the beliefs of his religion and how he was raised.

in the end, when Ryan finally asked Cameron if he wanted to leave or stay, and Cameron opted to leave, he said that Cameron could have touched so many lives. winning the Glee Project would've landed Cameron the seven-episode guest role on Glee, which would have been enough to develop a character that is both conservative, responsible, sweet, Christian. Cameron did not need those seven episodes. his weeks in the Glee Project have touched our hearts already.

Wednesday, August 03, 2011

handsome vampire gets our books burned again

i heard this on the news early today.

i found another reason to hate Twilight.

i’ve been very vocal that i don’t like Twilight since i’m a big fan of Anne Rice, The Vampire Chronicles, the Buffy the Vampire Slayer and the Angel series. so you could say that my definition of vampires is pretty old school. well, not old school like literally old school. i just think that the Twilight vampires are pretty lame. sorry.

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anyway, our wonderful people from the Department of Customs just realized how much money they could make off of taxing the import of the Twilight books. that’s just great. so every other book that’s going to be imported from other countries, even the educational books, will have to pay the same import tax. books are expensive enough as it is and putting a levy on them when they’re brought over to the country will only make these books more expensive. how the hell will we be able to benefit and learn from the books if we can’t even afford them?

it wasn't too long ago, and maybe we were either too young to remember or because we are a nation that forgets easily but they have tried to make money out of the books, the same way they've tried to make money out of cigarettes and booze, but since these things are for our education, more than anything, the effort to try to put import taxes on books were shelved. now that the Twilight movie saga is about to reach its climax, they're bringing it up again, hoping to get additional revenue.

while i believe that the internet is a good source of information, i still believe that nothing beats good old fashion writing. nobody reads the books anymore, they just rely on Google. i love Google, i love Wikipedia, but i also love the feel of paperbacks on my hand, the scent of each page, as i read them. books are still the greater, better source of information, education. if books become more expensive, we encourage resort to the internet and not all reliable information can be found there. we also encourage delinquency and sloth. kids won't want to read anymore. they'll want to stop reading and dreaming and educating themselves. they'd want to stop studying. i don't know. it was so much different then and now. maybe i am old school at heart.

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PNoy, if the bill ever gets to be on your desk, VETO it.

Monday, August 01, 2011

one of them movies that make you laugh, cry, make you appreciate friends. and bathrooms.

my friends and i saw the movie Bridesmaids tonight. it was hilarious. we just couldn’t stop laughing.

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Bridesmaids is the story of Annie and Lillian (Kristine Wiig and Maya Rudolph of Saturday Night Live) who have been best friends since childhood. While Lillian is engaged to be married and everything seems to be going right for her career, Annie has had it rough: her bakery went bankrupt so she is working at a jewelry store whose owner did it as a favor for her mother being an AA sponsor; her roommate has no respect for her personal space and the hot guy she’s banging just wants to be friends with benefits. on top of that, Lillian’s other friend Helen (Rose Byrne) seems to be competing with her as maid of honor and better friend. Annie gets so stressed out that it affected her driving on the way home that Nathan (Chris O'Dowd), a police officer thought that she was driving under the influence. they soon become friends but at the sign of a possibly good thing between them, she runs off. Lillian and Annie argue because Helen stole Annie’s Paris idea for the bridal shower. they didn’t make amends until the actual wedding day when Lillian disappeared on Helen due to cold feet and only Annie knew where to find her (with the help of Nathan, of course) and make her push through with the wedding.

i know, i know – i’m not selling the movie the way it should be since it’s such a great movie and i’m not making it interesting enough.

i love the movie because it was made by women, for women. it tackles some of the issues that i’m dealing with on some level. although i haven’t really gone down that low in terms of what’s happening in my life that’s depressing; and trust me, there are really days when it gets really depressing and i tend to pity myself, i can truly say i’m fine. there are days when i may feel so left out by my friends, in terms of having a family or a successful career, but i get by. i still find what i do fulfilling and maybe that’s what Annie missed at first: that you do have friends who care for you and they may change and outgrow you at some level but they will always be there for you; you shouldn’t stop what you love doing because of fear of failing. she also failed to see how great she is so she just settled for just being someone’s number three on the booty speed dial when there’s this really great guy who can offer her so much more.

i also loved the movie because we couldn’t stop laughing. it was very intelligent humor. i was laughing so hard i almost fell off my seat, and tears were falling from my eyes. it was that funny. go watch it with your friends. i know one of the reasons i enjoyed it as much as i did was because it was a smart and funny film and i was with friends who understood it and understood me.