Friday, December 31, 2010

tempting, but no.

i actually really liked you at first. you are one of the few people worth looking at when i first moved to this site. because there are only a few of you and the few who can actually carry a conversation are either TAKEN, GAY or simply NOT INTERESTED. you were under the first category, the kind that was legally binding at that, so i lost all interest. still, it doesn't change the fact that you are pretty to look at. and you're very interesting. i like talking to you. you're pretty witty and to some degree you get me.

i never really realized how much you could get me until we started working together, like interaction and actual conversations. it wasn't much and i didn't really expect much from it. i just enjoy working and talking to you. nothing special.

i would say this whole "thing" started after the company year-end celebration. you found my introduction to the site performance very amusing, to say the least and i have to admit, i was very flattered. you put a smile to my face that day. really. it was a group performance and each and every one of us did their best to make it a great one but somehow you only noticed me. maybe because i was the only one drunk and crazy enough to kneel and spread her legs (hooch, as a friend described) in front of the whole company population. you said i outshone everyone (even the ones who were thinner than i was? - have your eyes checked, dude) and this was the one that really got to me, the trap:

"kung meron like button sa ulo mo nung performance . . . dami na siguro nag-like"*

you even changed your status in IM just to flatter me. you said you were glad you made me smile, because i look prettier when i smile. right. i thought that was really really sweet of you and God, if you were only single, i would have jumped on you that day. damnit, you flattered me so much i feel like i don't deserve it. i know i sing good, yes, but you were using the adjectives, "HOT" and "SEXY" to describe me, which have no direct relation to my singing prowess whatsoever.

while planning for that introductory number, all the drinking affected how we approached the song, how we were going to present it, and the costume that we will wear while performing it. i think we all agreed that if not one of us got laid that night after the performance, then it just meant to show how much we love this company.

it's amazing what a Santa suit, fishnet stockings and a pair of "fuck me" boots can do for you.

i'm a big flirt. apparently, you're a naughty boy yourself. damn.

now there's this sudden pressure to clean the house because i never know if somebody just might come over to be violated. i don't understand.

i can bite anywhere? do you even bite back? why the fuck would you want to be bitten, and by, of all people, me? again, have you had your eyes checked lately? while i don't consider getting married, i respect people who are married. unless they want to be violated. in which case, i make sure i slap them silly for them to get back to their senses. i just make sure not to slap too hard because they, uh, just might enjoy it?

i'm a rebel, i'm pretty stubborn. i don't follow too many rules, but those few rules, i make sure i follow. rules for this scenario are: ONE, you don't flirt with married men and, TWO, you don't shit in your backyard.

THREE would be, you don't shit with the married men in your fucking backyard, no matter how cute or smart they are.

i would've loved to bite you. anywhere. i would've loved for you to crash over at my house and let yourself be violated by me and vice versa because i do want some of that. damnit, i just want to get some, period. but you and i can't. just the idea of you and i talking this way, it's exciting. i enjoy it immensely but we can't. this is pathetic, i know. this is all very tempting, but NO.


*if there was a "Like" button in your head, a lot of people would've hit "Like"

Monday, December 27, 2010

angry girl journal 12.24.2010

I do get days when I feel lonely and I pity myself. It’s not just because I don’t have a relationship right now. It’s because if not for my friends who look out for me, I would be totally alone. It is common knowledge that I am not that close to my relatives. I mean, I try to maintain ties with them but given a chance to be with other people, I’d be with other people. I’m just overwhelmed at the number of people who invited me over for Christmas and I feel bad to have to turn them down because I’d rather be at work. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate each and every one who has been good to me, even before my Dad died. I have never felt so loved in my entire life. I totally am grateful to friends who are more like family to me.

I want to start my own tradition, and not have to be in someone else's house because I don't have anyone for the Holidays. I would also like to someday take "work" off the options. It's not nice, it's pathetic, to be at work over the holidays. Sure, you get paid more than normal days, but what what kind of life would you have?

I wish to not feel lonely because there are days like that. I do get days like that. I am used to being alone. I don't mind being alone. Sometimes, people just have a way of shoving it in your face that you are but that doesn't mean it's going to ruin it for me.

Happy holidays.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Rosario

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i stopped watching Filipino movies a long time ago. i can't remember when i last watched a local film (not counting two movies i watched on account of me losing my friends - blackmail is a terrible thing) and unless it's an independent film i would find really interesting, i rarely go. it's the mush and commercialism that i avoid. people don't make any good movies anymore, locally, that is. so i shun from the movie theaters completely when the Manila film festival starts.

kudos to Albert Martinez for a great film.

The movie Rosario is based on the life of the grandmother of Manny V. Pangilinan. her life started out to be promising: daughter of a haciendero, studied in New York, she had her whole life ahead of her until she fell in love with the administrator of her father's estate. of course, being the only daughter, they wanted better for her. at the time, you either studied in Paris, Spain or the Americas or stay in the convent, which was either an honor for families who wish to serve God or punishment for their loose daughters. Rosario eloped with Vicente, had kids and lived a happy life with her family even though she was cursed and shunned by her parents. when her husband gets sick with tuberculosis, she starts working to help provide for her family but she ends up cheating with her cousin's boyfriend. it was a hot scene, actually. also, back in the day, if you cheat and are caught, you get divorced and shipped off to Hong Kong. cool, right? so she and her paramour have a kid and stay in the HK for a while before going back to Manila where they try living again, but with not much luck. she takes in laundry for the other tenants in the building and the guy leaves her. the landlord's nephew has a crush on her but doesn't really make his move, except for the occasional laundry and invites to go to a music recital (where her first daughter plays and she eventually finds out that after her divorce, her ex-husband and cousin hook up) and receives her rent. however, the landlord, who also digs her and doesn't make her aware that somebody else is paying her rent, takes advantage of the fact that she doesn't know her rent's been paid for. he tells her that the only solution is to, well, sleep with him and she does. landlord's nephew finds out and almost beats his own uncle to death. Rosario and her child decide to leave, never come back.

there had been talk before this film that the actress who plays the main role, Jennilyn Mercado, won't be able to pull it off. but the lady can act, very remarkably so, too.  she held her own, with a whole cast of big name stars supporting her and Albert Martinez, as director. plus, the cinematography is amazing. every drop of sweat, every breath of smoke, inhaled, exhaled, you can feel it, you can see it. and i don't even know a thing about film making, but as a spectator, i was blown away.

the movie also brings me back to those times when we didn't have TV or the internet and people were focused on learning to read and write poetry, learning to read and write music, the arts. when you woo someone, you wrote good old-fashioned love letters and going out on clandestine trysts were more exciting then because you can hide. nowadays, kids do it anywhere without any fear or shame that they may offend anyone. kids respected their parents then, and even when they did disobey their parents, they (we) felt remorse and the urge to prove themselves in order to return to their parents as better people. while they were stubborn, they had conscience. kids these days are just stubborn period. they don't think of consequences. those were simpler times.

if you're out to see a movie this Christmas season and you're not really that crazy about any of the other films in the festival, you can see Rosario for depth.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

not as awkward as i imagined it to be

like i have said here before, i have been contemplating about asking M out. her face has come up in Facebook so many times that i was tempted to add her. or message her, at least, to ask her out. now that i have, i wonder why i didn't try before. took me seven years.

after the Shaw OMD party, i went over to our organization's party in order to make an appearance. we ended up being among the last ones left and it was still relatively early so i asked her if she wanted to go out and have coffee. she obliged.

i told her that i have been wanting to ask her out but i was worried that i may offend somebody by doing so and i never really knew how to ask or how she would react if i did. she also pictured our first actual conversation together to be awkward but like me, she was also glad that it's not THAT awkward. i am even afraid to admit i had fun. she is still very engaging to talk to. sure, she's still a pompous ass (actually, more arrogant now than before and she owns up to this) and loud and like me, aside from the strong personality, has a tendency to overly assert herself, but i wasn't bored. some part of me didn't even want it to end. but she was tired and had no sleep at all for the last three days (wuss! 3 days. tsk. try a whole week. how about two weeks? LOL) so we decided to call it a day. she even took me home. oh my M (yes, yes, ex), always a gentleman.

like me, she lives alone, although her new girlfriend (i know not because i keep tabs but because people have a tendency to give me information i don't need) drops by the house every now and then. she asked me how it is for me, living alone and how i get by. i wasn't going to lie and say it's been swell but at the same time,i didn't really want her to gloat. i told her, i have people who look out for me and that i have been very busy with work. of course i could be happier. but everybody else feels the same way so i am no different from anybody else. i just happen to live alone. and while she has family she only comes home to once a year, i have practically no one. i was glad that she asked and that she still seemed to care. that meant a lot to me. i am truly relieved that we are able to talk to each other now, after all these years. i am glad that she and i were able to communicate better than we have before.

time does heal all wounds.

*M, i doubt if you ever have the patience to read this, but it's not that i don't want to add you in Facebook, there's just no option to do so. at alam mong hindi ako namimilit ng ayaw. i'm good knowing you and i are good. finally.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

the third Narnia is better seen on 3D - Caspian looks so much cuter

if not for the movies, i wouldn't find out that the Chronicles of Narnia were, just like Harry Potter and the Lord of the Rings, a set of books which were brought to life through film. i never got to see the first two on the big screen but thanks to my neighbor's cable, i got to see them. after a really tiring two weeks, i spent the Sunday after the year-end celebration watching The Voyage of the Dawn Treader with Mark, Luzille and Jayson. we needed the break.

so the movie starts with Peter and Susan both in America while Edward and Lucy have to stay with their relatives and their bratty cousin, Eustace. their cousin wrote in his diary everyday and was such a brat. all he did was complain and he didn't believe in Narnia no matter how much proof he got. he eventually came around and believed in Narnia.

after he became a dragon.

he was more useful a dragon, or in his words upon realizing this, that he did more good as a dragon than he was being human. of course, it took a sword fight with Reepicheep and the whole turning into a dragon part before he came to that realization. it also helped that Aslan turned him back into a kid, otherwise, Lucy and Edward had a lot of explaining to do.

i swear, Prince Caspian is so cute. there was some sort of power struggle between him and Edward, whom, i must say, has grown and become equally attractive. you don't rush growing up. you don't command respect. pride has a way of destroying people and both Caspian and Edward learned this the hard way during the course of their travel together. it required from both of them strength and heart since the evil has a way of knowing their darkest desires and capitalizing on it in order for them not to succeed in their goal. they were tempted, their faith put to the test, but thanks to Lucy, they got over it.

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one of the things i learned in the movie, which i already know, but needed the movie in order to remind me of it is that when you try to be somebody you are not, you change the natural order of things. Lucy had no confidence in herself and wanted so much to be like Susan so that Caspian would like her. she found a book of incantations and got the one where she wished herself away by being Susan. because she became Susan, there would be no Narnia because Lucy was the one who found Narnia. same as, if i wished to change myself and be someone else i'm not, then i wouldn't be bels. sure, bels isn't as cool as a lot of people would like and she's not exactly the easiest person to get along with. but that's how she is and while she has her own way of doing certain things, there are things, people, who wouldn't be complete without bels in their lives.

anyway, i digress. the movie is so good that i am tempted to buy the books but i opt to wait, just as i am waiting for all the Harry Potter movies to be shown. the books are much cheaper that way.

another lesson worth learning from this movie is that size does not matter. each and every one of us has a part to play and Reepicheep is a great example that we all contribute to making this society a better place. what he lacked in size, he made up for his wisdom and bravery and he was such a great companion to Eustace, especially during his dragon days. he was patient and he taught the boy some valuable lessons before he finally left for Aslan's country.

and finally, Caspian, because he looks cuter than he already is on 3D: he had the option to see his father. but then, if he did, he would have to turn his back on his kingdom and all that his father fought for. Caspian learned to believe in himself and in his people. he realized that he would meet his father eventually, but that there would still be much to do to keep the peace in Narnia. seeing his father again would have to wait.

i miss my father too. sometimes. he probably thought i was a failure when he died but i am trying, still trying, to do things that will make him proud of me. just like Caspian.

technicalities only mean one thing: WE WON.

i'm not being bitter here. i am seriously proud of the team that Anna and I set up. for the last two weeks, she and i have been working and going home just to bathe and go back to work again because we have been overseeing the practice of the band and the dancers for our joint business units' Christmas party performance.

it was the most tiring last two weeks but it was the most fun i have had lately. being in the band again, performing again. taking care of "kids" again. i would do it all over. seriously. Anna and i got so much support from all of our friends that we owe it to them to do good. and we did great. if not for the "overtime", i had a pretty good feeling that we won. and in my heart, we did.

i was telling the dancers and the band members, because we got rock as a genre, which i did not consciously pick, that it didn't matter to me if we lose. i kinda knew that was going to be the impression, seeing that everybody knows i'm a big rock fanatic, that i picked it. but i got that from drawing lots, fair and square. i picked out that we would be the last to perform. it would be hard to pull off considering there are sooo many rock songs to choose from and it would be very difficult to put dance steps on them.

of course, there were obstacles along the way. i have known about this competition for a while but we never really got the opportunity to pick out the team members until late November. we never really got to practice with them until the beginning of December since they were, uh, "distracted" and i didn't get the support i needed from Operations the way i had hoped i would. we didn't get direction until the week building up for that big day. but that's all over now. it's done. water under the bridge. we did it. WE DID IT. we showed everyone that we are a strong force to be reckoned with. there has been so much hype for the other genres that i felt i had to tell them about how hard our team has been working and how difficult it was to get everything together but WE MADE IT.

it has been disappointing that there have been so many changes occurring in the company but that was the one solid thing that Anna and i had going for us. with the help of our friends, Mark, Jayson and Blade, and the now stronger support from the Management team, our team had more confidence in themselves. as the judges remarked, we had the strongest support from the management team and we looked like we had the most fun. we looked like we had fun because it was real: WE HAD FUN. WE LOVED WHAT WE WERE DOING. even the crowd had fun with us.

i may not agree with what the judges' verdict was but i believe in my heart that we did our best, that our Creator was with us that day and He blessed all of us to give a great performance. i won because i have found new friends and family and our team feels the same way. we told them that it didn't matter as long as we had fun, that we gave a kick-ass performance. and we did. we did good.

until next year. =)

***

after the performance, when my crush went down the stage, he hugged me. it was really nice that he did. he came out of nowhere and it wasn't solicited. he just hugged me. that's how i knew, apart from all the help i got, that Anna and i got from our friends, that they appreciated us, what we did for them and the relationships, the friendships, that were formed these last two weeks. i will never forget that.

that, and the song i sang keeps wringing in my ear. i just hope there aren't too many pictures. tsk.

Monday, December 06, 2010

see no evil, buy no evil

if retail therapy means what i think it means, i just gave in to it.

come payday, i try my best to avoid my obvious temptations: record bar, bookstore. i still have a lot of books on my shelves that i haven't gotten to open yet and there are just too many cds to listen to on your free day. food isn't necessarily in that category considering no matter how i say i need to lose weight, i do need to sustain myself in order to do the tons of things in my to-do list.

it's not really like me to buy clothes and shoes and bags. not really that type. i mean, i try. i recently am trying to improve in that department, even working with some light make up on. it was only after my dad died that i realized that i can actually afford to buy branded clothes and other stuff for myself. but i try not to buy too much. we don't really want to spend it all on trivial stuff.

so i was at this store where my boss and my other colleagues bought some shoes for our company Christmas party performance. the store's name was suggestive that you can pay less for designer bags, shoes and accessories; the principle being that if you will pay less, you have the tendency to buy more. makes sense, right?

i wasn't really that depressed that i gave in to the temptation of buying another pair of shoes other than the pair i was supposed to get for the performance. i am actually more inclined to eat or smoke more when i'm depressed. or write.

but those shoes looked really good! i couldn't resist the urge of getting them.

hopefully i wouldn't be as weak the next time. it's weird how you have so much money and not think of anything good to buy; but then not have the resources when you see something you like. i would like to think my emotional quotient is high that way. i can resist the urge to buy stuff i don't need and even when i do have the money and like what's in front of me, to still sleep on it and come back the next day.

it's a good thing a guy cannot be bought. i can't afford the one i want anyway. too many bidders. and i don't have Canadian money.

Wednesday, December 01, 2010

HYM

i first heard this song live at Route 196. i've always been a fan of the band, even back when Zach and Myrene were still NU107 DJs and i have all of their albums. well, all, except the one where this song came from. not yet anyway. they have the deepest lyrics, the sweetest yet most painful emotions put into melody. they make really nice videos too. i especially like their Tagalog songs. each member of the band is friendly, even the ones who session with them :)

***Nix Puno is so hot - i just have to say*** (sigh)

hopefully, when time permits i can watch their gigs again. i've always wanted to sing with Aia. and no, i still can't tell Zach i'm a policewoman now, because i'm not. still a "call (center) girl". tsk.



Huling Yakap Ng Mundo
Imago

Naranasan mo na bang
Gumising na kailangang
Gapangin ang gulo

Lungkot na 'yong dala
Tila sumpa
Mabigat pa sa iyo

Ihahatid kita
Sa dulo ng pangakong
Sisirain mo

Maiiwanan mong nakakapit
Maiiwanan mong pinipilit agawin
Ang huling yakap ng mundo

Matagal ko nang lulan
Ang iyong pagaalangan
At muli kang bibitaw

Marami kang gusto
Kasama ba ako
Sa puwang sa buhay mo

Itatawid kita
Sa dulo ng pangakong
Babasagin mo

Maiiwanan mong nakakapit
Maiiwanan mong pinipilit agawin
Ang huling yakap ng mundo

Oh oh ah oh ah
Oh oh ah oh ah ahh

Maiiwanan mong nakakapit
Maiiwanan mong pinipilit
Maiiwanan mong nakakapit
Maiiwanan mong pinipilit agawin
Ang huling yakap ng mundo