Saturday, November 27, 2010

just really glad i have friends

I have often wondered why I have the friends that I have. Seriously. they're crazy, they're weird. I just happen to be weirder. me attitude problem kaya ako.

I have the most wonderful friends. In my thirty-three years of existence, I have had the privilege of meeting wonderful, remarkable people whom I run to for comfort, for guidance, for strength, for an audience or what-not. I even said at the time, when I was so pissed off with my Dad (God rest his soul) that my friends may not help me kill him (for people reading, hearing, this for the first time, I was THAT pissed off with my Dad), but they will help me hide his body. Yes, there was this unwritten rule at the time that all my friends signed off on to be accomplices and accessories to murder. Seriously, I felt especially loved when so many people came to my father’s wake and expressed their concern in case I needed anything. And now that I’m living alone, I feel it more than ever.

By the way, my friends and I have sealed the deal that I will spend a month each at their house, when I grow old and weary and poor and alone. And when I do die, the song playing on my hearse on the way to my funeral is my version of Evanescence's Bring Me to Life.

Anyway, I digress. I am a very difficult person to live with. I know this for a fact. You either love me or hate me. It takes a person with loads of patience to be my friend. No wonder I’m still single. My friends know I’m stubborn, I’m angry all the time and as one friend commented, I can be pretty self-absorbed, or I could be a handful, as another friend said. I do things a certain way and if you didn’t have the chutzpah, I don’t think you can catch up.

I remember before, when a few of my friends decided to separate themselves from me. Years later I get letters, messages about how they didn't understand me at the time all that shit was happening to me but they realize now that back then, I didn't really have the best options to turn my life around. It's bad when people don't understand you, but it's worse when your own friends can't and that hurt. Then. Now, it's just something you can talk about over coffee.

There are days when I'D separate MYSELF from my friends, because I feel the need to be alone and do my own thing and they get it, totally. We've all learned to respect each other's quirkiness. Bitchiness. I can be an ass, I can make an ass out of myself the same way they can be asses, and make asses of themselves (gives me reason to say, "I told you so," for a change) for even the lamest reasons. After all, birds of the same feather think alike, right?

When I'm with them, I know that there's some higher presence in my life; that Someone Out There is watching over me. I have said here before that God brings people to your life for a reason, either for your sake or theirs, that you may learn from each other and change each other’s lives. And since I’m not close to whatever family I have left, they are the manifestations of God at work in my life. They keep me grounded, they keep me sane, they keep me motivated. They give me a reason to smile. They give me a reason to make a better person out of myself. Sometimes it pains me that they have to come to my defense whenever there are people who don’t take the time enough to know how wonderful I am and I can be. It also pains me that I have this great tendency to hurt them when I can help it. I have this constant fear that I might just push them away when I need them more. I don’t know what they see in me, but I must be special, otherwise, they wouldn’t have stayed in my life for so long. I can’t even stand me.

I'm not the greatest friend. I don't make the best life choices. I am not the most likeable creature in the planet, but the friends I have, I am very glad to say, have seen me through the best and the worst of times and I would never trade them for anything in the world. They're difficult, they can be a pain, the same way I am difficult and I am a pain. But I am just so happy I have them :)