Thursday, November 11, 2010

i need to stop these posts!!!

tama na. tama na ang kahibangan na to. kinikilig kasi ko eh. pag kinikilig ako, hindi ako nakakapag-isip. pag kinikilig ako, nakakalimutan ko na hindi mo ako mahal sa ganoong paraan. nakakalimutan ko na hindi ko dapat bigyan ng kahit anong kahulugan lahat ng ginagawa mo para sa'kin. thank you na lang dapat ako.*

whatever the fuck possessed me to think you would ever love me like i do you?

i feel stupid. i feel bad because i shouldn't think about our friendship that way. i shouldn't expect anything from you. i shouldn't even be doubting you anymore. after all, you seem genuinely nice to me and it's not just because you're being polite. you seem to genuinely care for me. it may not be in the way that i want you to, but you do. you care for me. you look out for me. i shouldn't listen to people when they say things that make me doubt your friendship or your concern for me. i shouldn't let what people say affect how i feel about you. after all, i'm the one who's friends with you, not them. i'm the one who knows you, not them.

if only i can stop the whole falling for you thing.

let's face it - even if we sometimes forget, i am still a girl. i still get affected when you do something sweet to me, i still get overwhelmed because at the back of my head i feel that i don't deserve what you are doing for me. i get embarrassed because i sometimes doubt your friendship with me; i think bad thoughts when i'm mad at you, but only because i may just be confusing being validly mad at you and being in love with you so it's frustrating me. i feel bad because i shouldn't mix my feelings for you at work. i feel bad because my infatuation for you shouldn't overcome how i feel about you as your friend. i should be your friend first. i shouldn't swoon. i shouldn't expect. i shouldn't give meaning. but you are just too sweet sometimes that it makes me think, or wish, even when i'm not supposed to. i'm not supposed to.

i'm not supposed to doubt how you feel about me, or your friendship. i should be thankful that i have you in my life, that you love me, even if it's not in the way i want. i should be thankful that you are there for me, that you look out for me, that you take care of me. i shouldn't think about anything else. i should just be thankful.

but you are just so sweet.

*i have to stop this. i should stop this madness, this obsession. it's because i feel giddy. when i feel giddy, i don't get to think. when i don't think, i forget that you don't love me that way. i forget that i shouldn't give meaning to what you do. i should just thank you.