Friday, November 26, 2010

angry girl journal 11.26.2010

i don't remember who it was, but i know somebody said that you're not supposed to blog when you're drunk because you might say things you don't mean, things that only come out when you're uninhibited by alcohol. when you're at work, and you read something that really pisses the hell out of you because you think they're so stupid, you're not supposed to be in front of the PC because you might reply in the heat of anger and will be bound to say things you will regret for the rest of your life and you can't hit the recall button fast enough to take it back. you're also not supposed to hit "forward".

stop. breathe.

i write because i have a problem dealing with my emotions. i know i'm not supposed to explain myself, because, while i'm not perfect, i am entitled to get angry, say things i don't mean which i will regret later on. i am also entitled to the accompanying embarrassment that comes after when i realize i am wrong. i am entitled to my opinions and beliefs as long as i don't hurt anyone. well, most of the time, i try not to hurt anyone. oftentimes, i write for me. i write because i find release that way. it is my way of dealing. i write here what i can't say to people because it is the truth, it is what i am feeling at that particular time and it will hurt them. it hurts me having to keep it in but it will hurt more if it came out wrong because i couldn't hold my feelings.

i feel the need to explain myself for the benefit of those who thought it was a great idea to use their vacation time to read my blog, a.k.a. YOU. it is both flattering and annoying at the same time. why? because you will get hurt. you will be disappointed. you will never speak to me again.

i write them here because i'm angry. i am not thinking straight. why do you think i hate arguing through text message or chat? because i will have the tendency to say things i won't mean or regret. i don't like arguing or talking when i'm really mad because i tend to be unreasonable and uncaring. talking when one party is mad is pointless because you will only be provoked and become more mad. which is why i write them here. once i start writing, i try to clear my head and i try to realize that what i say, or said, or could've said would've been a mistake. it saves you the need to hold it in and implode when you are too mad. it saves you any argument that would have occurred when things don't come out right.

of course, it is the worldwide web and anybody could be reading it. it's just like if you left your journal lying around and then somebody accidentally finds it and reads it, it will be open to interpretation. and because you wrote it, you can't take it back anymore. it's forever embedded in somebody else's memory that you said this or that about them. regardless of whether it's the truth or not, regardless of whether you apologize or not, it will not mean anything anymore because you've already hurt someone. the worst part is, you hurt the one who matters to you the most.

anybody who knows me and knows you and the way i really feel about you will know that i have the utmost difficulty to deal with my emotions. i am having trouble with the fact that you are my friend, i am in love with you and i work with you. i am with you all the time. other than all the stress that's surrounding me, that fact i have problems dealing with. because i'm supposed to know better, because i'm supposed to be older and more mature and i'm supposed to know better. you said so yourself, i should learn to control my emotions. this is how i adapt. if i write about it, then i will feel less vindictive, bitter or angry. these are all the things i can't say to you when i'm angry. these are all the things i can't say to you when i'm confused. these are all the things i can't say to you when i'm depressed. because i'm not supposed to.

of course, i said things here that shouldn't come out. of course, i said things here that will hurt you, or things that other people shouldn't find out about, because it will embarrass you. or me. and i should be good with words. i should be able to know and say it without embarrassing or hurting you. i shouldn't write when i'm angry.

i will not try to offer an explanation or apology for what i said or did here or in my life. everything is a learning experience, since, i'm not perfect. i will commit mistakes. i will hurt people and disappoint them. i will say things, do things, that i can never take back and will regret for the rest of my life. i will hurt and lose the people that matter to me.

i will understand if you don't talk to me anymore. i will understand if i lose you in my life. i deserve it. i understand that i will lose someone who means so much to me, who has done so many things for me, even when i doubt everything nice that they did for me, even when i let them down. no amount of words can find redemption for me. this is it, this is the end, this is another one of those friendships that i put to waste because i opened my big bad mouth and typed with my really fast fingers.

i will go hang myself now.