Wednesday, November 24, 2010

angry girl journal 11.24.2010

we talk but we're not talking about it. i find it sad because while i know i don't feel that way about you anymore, i know that if there is a possibility, you and i, i would like to explore it.

i miss you, being with you, talking to you about my issues. i miss you making me laugh. i miss being able to vent on you whatever keeps me awake in the daytime.

but there's this wall. you won't talk to me about it and i certainly won't initiate. i will just let it go. i won't even dare to think what might have been between you and me. if it will happen, it will. if it won't, then i'm just sad because i don't want to feel awkward around you.

i wasn't jealous that you asked me where would be the best place to take her out on a date. but i would've felt much better if we cleared the air first. besides, i'm not the best person to ask about date places. when was the last time i went out on a date, right?

i want to be able to help you out with her, or with any girl for that matter, without you thinking at the back of your head that i'm expecting something. i don't want you to feel like you can't trust or talk to me anymore just because you are afraid that if you do, you might hurt my feelings. i love you and i'm happy with the thought that if i call on you, you will be there because you want to be and not just because you made an oath over a bunch of candles that you will be my brother and i can rely on you and you rely on me. i'm happy knowing that you are there.

it's just that right now, you're not. it's awkward.

***

i don't mind that she said that. i don't blame her. she has a point. instead of being mad at me over what she read here, she should pity me. after all, whether you're still in a relationship or not, she's still with you, she has given you the greatest honor any woman can give a man. and, you're still technically together. regardless of how you want to categorize what you have with her or not have with her or how you refuse to admit that you still have feelings for her or are inclined to stay with her for any reason, she still is in a better position than i am. she's actually smarter than what you give her credit for. she loves you more than i can ever quantify how i feel about you. and i envy her. i can only be bitter. i can only be your friend. i can only be your colleague.

i am not expecting anything. i'm not trying to buy you or steal you away. i am happy with what we have. i just get all human and stupid sometimes and i tend to forget who i am, and what i am to you. i forget that i shouldn't put any meaning to what you do to me, for me and i should just be thankful that you and i are friends.

but she is right. i am bitter. she has you and i don't.