Friday, November 05, 2010

angry girl journal 11.05.2010: i have to stop this

i have to stop this.

not the angry girl journals, silly. this.

here i go again. i'm not supposed to be this way. i don't feel comfortable crying in front of anyone. i have managed to keep an angry facade for everybody and reserve my right to cry in front of only a chosen few. you are one of them. much as i hate to admit it, you do affect me sometimes. and while i promised i will try not to cry in front of you, or because of you, promises are made to be broken.

and you saw it.

i was crying because it just occurred to me that i always put you first. never myself. it occurred to me that while i said it’s okay, that i’m okay, that i won’t expect anything, i do. i mean, i don't expect anything and i know that i shouldn't. i am just human, you know. i can only program my brain for so long and then it hits me that i can’t just be friends with you. one way or the other, when i least expect it will hit me, like hell, how hurt i am that i have these feelings for you and you’re just . . . . an ass. an ass who couldn’t care less about how i felt, no matter how many times you say you do. if you know you can’t reciprocate them, if you can’t be careful enough not to hurt me, it still counts as not caring about how i feel.

it should be easy for you, to know me, after all, we've been working together for so long. not that you're required to, but if we have to work so closely together, if we have to be around each other a lot, i think, that if we can't, i can't, i have to lay down some ground rules (for myself, at least) to avoid getting hurt. after all, i am your friend. i have to understand you, i have to work with you. i don't expect you to do the same thing. i don't expect anything from you period. but maybe, as courtesy to me, you could be a little more sensitive.

i have to stop.

i don't know how some people do it, how people can contain themselves and not feel anything. i can manage. i thought i could. i thought i can. like i said, there are just days when you think, why the hell not? why won't you? why can't you? why do you think i don't deserve you (or, in your words, i deserve someone better) when i chose to feel this way about you? of course, what i deserve, what standards i have, what i feel about you, may be subject to debate. maybe YOU have high standards. that, or no standards at all.

right. i don't even like me so why should you?

if i can't stop, i have to learn to hold it in. if i can't stop, i have to learn to keep away. if i can't stop, i have to learn to sacrifice more than i already have. if i can't stop, i have to learn to balance feeling this way and caring for myself. if i can't stop, i have to learn to just work with you. if i can't stop, i have to learn to hide it more. if i can't stop, i have to learn being numb again. if i can't stop, i have to learn to love someone else because i know i will only get hurt if i don't stop loving you.