Sunday, October 10, 2010

i ate, i prayed, but i have yet to love


i love my new hair color :)

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i have been waiting on the movie for the longest time. i have been waiting on the movie ever since i read the book and i saw the trailer in the movie theater months ago. i can't even remember the last time i watched a movie in an actual theater. this is not counting that time that my friends ambushed and kidnapped me into watching this movie with Claudine Barretto, Anne Curtis and Richard Gutierrez. oh, that movie was hideous. really really bad acting, predictable storyline and shit.

anyway, i digress.

i liked the book so much i recommended it to my friends at work. they love it too. the movie was three hours long and while it is already so, it didn't capture some of the major plots of the book for me, which is pretty common every time a book is brought over to the movie screen. the idea of how a book comes to life in the big screen is different for every individual.

the story is about the journey of one Elizabeth Gilbert towards self-discovery. coming from a marriage she felt she didn't belong to and struggling through the divorce and then moving from a very exhausting relationship with a younger man, she traveled the three I's: Italy, India and Indonesia in search of balance in her life and of herself. her whole year's journey brought her to find pleasure (Italy - mostly of food), the relevance of sacrifice (India) and the balance (Indonesia) between the two conflicting concepts. when i was reading the book, i felt i could somehow relate to the story, not just because she was a writer in search of a reason, or balance, or direction, but because, all the things she felt, even the ways in which she expressed herself, were things i am going through myself.

i may not have gone through a divorce or been with a younger man (i have before although the relationship didn't last that long to be that destructive) but i find myself hoping and praying for guidance all the time. i found her sarcasm amusing and most of her views seemed perfectly in tune to my own views specifically my relationship with my Creator. like Liz, i don't get to talk to Him that often. but i believe in Him and the hope that i will be healed or that i will find my voice, my direction, myself.

i am eating a lot lately. i am around people who enjoy every eating experience they have and that doesn't really help much when you can't fit into your clothes. despite of that though, i get affirmation from my friends all the time, that i'm beautiful inside and out and that depriving myself of the basic need which is food will not be healthy for my well-being.

i pray in my own unconventional way. i always say that my Creator is everywhere, which is why i seem to be talking a lot to myself while walking when in fact, it is Him whom i am talking to. i don't go to His house regularly, but when i do, i make sure i tell Him all my pain, my fears, my hopes, my dreams. i ask Him to take away the pain, and guide me in all my interactions with people, whether i love them or hate them. i ask Him to guide me in all my decisions, or at least, give me some sort of hint. i ask Him to take care of my health and to keep strengthening me in all the trials that i will face, because they are many. i also pray to Him to remove my anger. i know i'm not as angry as i was when my dad was still alive, but the scars haven't healed enough to make me less of an angry person that i was. i still struggle with that.

i have yet to love. while i am very eager to let this person know how much he means to me, reciprocated or not, letting go of myself totally, regardless of the consequences, is something i have difficulty doing. i allow myself to look like a total idiot to a certain extent, but i stop at some point because i still can't bring myself to make any compromises as far as my freedoms and beliefs are concerned. maybe because i haven't found the right one or maybe because i'm scared that if it does materialize that i would be the one responsible for destroying it. i'm scared that if i let myself fall, i wouldn't be able to pick up the pieces of my life should it not last.

the book is great, the movie is okay. check out either one when time permits.