Monday, October 18, 2010

angry girl journal 10.16.2010

so he texted me to come over for a drink. i really didn't want to go out but he was one of the few people i couldn't say no to so i went. i saw his mother and his sister again and we were all having a few laughs before they all fell asleep and we were left alone. i really have trouble drinking alcohol without smoking so i got tipsy really fast. we finished our drinks but he wouldn't let me leave until i sobered up a bit. something didn't feel right but i didn't want to think about it. like something would happen between two people who were drunk left alone together but i ignored it. the signs were there, i saw them but i refused to see them. i got a text message from you saying that you were in the office so i called you up to meet you. somehow i felt he didn't like the idea of me seeing you, especially after we drank. i wouldn't say he was jealous of you, but that was his tone. then he made sit on his lap again, here it was.

i had my arms around him (i have this thing for guys who know how to maneuver me - it is implied that i allowed myself to be "maneuvered") without making any advances. he couldn't really see my face up close so he would me slightly move me away from him, but still have me in his lap. i wasn't doing anything, i thought out loud. for someone "who wasn't doing anything either", his lips tasted really good. not bad.

in layman's terms, he kissed me and i kissed back. i would like to think i had more will than he did, because i know what happens to his girls. i am not one of his girls. i've always said that i don't want to be a statistic.

then i went to you. you explained to me. again. you said that i was okay with the situation. i was okay with being friends, but what if he wasn't?

i know in my heart that i love him and that he loves me and if there were someone out there i trust my life with to protect me, he would be on the list, much more than you would be. i also know that friendship is the best foundation for a relationship and he happens to be one of the greatest straight male friends i've known in my lifetime. but i don't see him that way anymore. i was, still am, cool with the idea that we were only friends. i am open to the idea that he and i can move to the next level but what if he isn't? or, what if we move to the next level and it doesn't last and i lose my friend?

maybe i'm getting way ahead of myself here, so i'd rather think it was a mistake, both in his part and mine. because it would be better thinking that way than thinking he actually thought i was okay with us being fuck buddies. it would hurt me to think that that was all he thought of me and him thinking i was okay with it. if i wanted him that way, if i saw him that way, i wouldn't even bother letting this friendship go on the way it did. i wouldn't even bother taking care of him, i would've just made that pass two years ago and got it over with. then i wouldn't feel so awkward.

who will i run to now about you?

***

i love you. very much. we tell each other most everything and i have this great respect for you. i would hate to ruin what we have because i or you assumed differently. don't get me wrong, i loved that you kissed me, the way you did, at least. but i still don't know how to go about what happens next. i'm afraid to know what happens next.