Tuesday, October 05, 2010

angry girl journal 10.04.2010

I don’t like starting my shifts this way. How you do your Mondays pretty much determines what’s going to happen for the rest of the work week.

I was going to start avoiding you. Maybe it wasn’t the best time to start. I figured since I’ve been planning for the longest time to do so, but I kept putting it off on the basis that I never could resist you and whenever I decided I wanted to start avoiding you, you would surprise me and that was it. That was the end of me and my conviction to start forgetting you and letting you go completely. What can I say? You are very unpredictable. When I decide I want to seriously avoid you, you unexpectedly decide you want to be sweet to me and I give in.

It was very difficult to ignore your text messages over the weekend. You have no idea how hard it was for me to do so when you were in my thoughts the whole time. Kelan ba ako naubusan ng load?

I feel bad being insecure about my job because of you. You have to understand: I don’t have family, I don’t have anyone, save for my friends. All I have is my work and nothing frustrates me other than not being able to do my job because other people procrastinated on theirs is the fear that I might actually lose it. And you gave me that fear, whether you were aware of it or not, it feels like I’m competing with you and I don’t even want to compete. I don’t want to have that feeling because aside from being colleagues, we are friends. You are my partner. You are the closest thing that I have to a straight male best friend here at work. I’m not supposed to have feelings of resentment towards you. It’s bad enough, as it is: that I’m in love with you but you don’t feel the same way and I have to work with you at the same time. I don’t expect you to feel the same way. I get that. But then because I have to see you everyday, there are days when it’s hard for me to cope. What I hate is the fact that everyday whenever I come to work I feel that I have to fight with you to get my new boss’s attention. And it’s not your fault. I can’t even say it’s her fault because it may just be me comparing her to my old boss again when they’re just two different people. It pisses me off that unconsciously she makes me feel that you are more important to her than I am. It pisses me off that it is hard for me to build that kind of relationship with her and you just seem “to do everything for her”. And while you may not even be doing it intentionally, it makes me miserable just the same.

I just had to tell you how I feel. I know I am the least of your worries but you and I always together doesn’t help me get over you. I need to be away from you. I have to learn to start.

Then there you go: You just really know what to say to me. You really know what to do to get my defenses down. I love and hate you for it because no guy has been able to read me like that in a long time. You said that when you look for me, it’s not about work. It’s because I mean something to you and that you care about me, that it is also difficult for you to be away from me. You didn’t say you love me, but you implied that you cared about me and that I mattered to you so, of course, I bought it. You even went ahead and hugged me just to make me feel better. Twice. And you wouldn’t let go. You wouldn’t let go until you thought we were okay. Now I feel really really miserable.

People don’t like you because they don’t know you like I do. People will come up with all sorts of speculations about you and your personality because you come off as an arrogant sycophant. An asshole. They are quick to judge and will talk and spread rumors based on what they see from your actions and words. While we both don’t care about what other people think about us, sometimes, it’s what people think about us that matters. I am miserable that I have these feelings because I know what the truth is and I know you. You are all things both irritating and attractive to me but you will never go that far. You are not that kind of person. Neither am I.

It felt almost like I was breaking up with you but you didn't want me to. I'm not sure if it's because us avoiding each other would only fan the flames about you and her or because it really is difficult for you to be away from me. I don't want to think you're using me. But that's what it looks like. I want to believe that I mattered to you. You said it yourself, we have been working for more than a year together; you can't just put what we've had just go to waste like that.

But what do we have?

What do we mean to each other?
Am I friend, am I lover?
Is it over now?
If this is it, then why bother?
Tell me where do we take it from here?
Do you love me still or
Do you just mean well?