Sunday, October 24, 2010

i can always go to the beach some other time

i know i already said i'd go but my plans changed during the daytime that made it impossible for me to arrive at my law school alma mater at 6PM for the meet up to go to Laguna. so i thought i'd get in touch with my friend Jordan from the other call center i worked for, since he's been bugging me for the longest time to watch a gig. watch a gig we did.

of course, by the time we got there, it had already started. i think we missed two bands. Good Morning High Fives were up, with Martin and Pops Nievera's son Robin playing guitars for them. it's nice to know that we don't have to commit the mistakes done by our parents and we can choose to live our lives differently. even the music we play. the vocalist was very pretty hot although i didn't feel her intensity while performing. i just thought everybody was into it save for her. it felt like her eyes were empty, almost like she was awkward. the band as a whole was remarkable, despite being young and all. but that's just me.

quick observation: why are the girls that go to these gigs look like maids? what is happening to the gene pool? and, what makes all these kids, not just the girls, think that just because they have their DSLRs, that they're artist/photographers? some of the people who showed up for that gig probably know zilch about the music they're listening to. they don't deserve to be seated. it's like they went over there thinking it was a soiree. or a dump site of
ugly music-ignorant people with digital cameras.
there were other bands, whose names i can't remember right now while i'm typing this but aside from Taken by Cars, and Tanya Markova, whom everybody was waiting for, i thought Turbo Goth was awesome. as Dianne, my other companion, pointed out, if the White Stripes played gothic electronica, this was how they would sound and look like. Sarah Gaugler was amazing. she was subdued intense in contrast to Paolo Peralta's possessed intense. what a pair they make. what awesome music they make too. i've never seen so many xpats come over to see them perform. for a while i thought i was working again. but they were slamming. i just couldn't help but love them. i saw their video over at MYX but it was not amusing as seeing them perform live. if i hadn't known anything about them except that they were tall and their tattoos and their clothes (fashionable duo as well) called attention to them, i was a fan the minute they stepped out of that bar. Dianne asked who they were when Paolo was setting up and i said, "don't worry, hon, he will introduce himself to you". true enough, we were standing their set the whole time just banging our heads.

another band that caught my attention was December Avenue. to compare them to somebody else just to give you an idea what type of music they play would be a disservice to them, as they are unique and wonderful. but just to give you an idea (HAHA), they kinda sound like Gin Blossoms meets Switchfoot, for lack of better bands to come up with, as words evade me at this very moment. all i know is that, i would love to be wooed with their songs. not too noisy, not too mushy and yet, very much entertaining.

of course, there were other bands whom i cannot remember at the moment and even if i do remember their names, my words will fall short to describe how great their performance was and how elated i am to be in their presence. i am not so good in words that way.

i loved Taken by Cars and Tanya Markova. i feel so bad that i haven't gone out in a while or listened to the radio as much as i wish i could. everybody else was standing, singing along to their songs and i'm there, standing, just in awe, basically. maybe i'm too old, or just too busy. but my ears are still recovering.

i can always go to the beach some other time. i'm already thinking about backpacking and going to this and that place. i can meet my fraternity brothers and sorority sisters at some other occasion but gigs where i can see the bands i like, i rarely get a chance to do and going to this gig, i certainly did not regret. forget that i haven't slept from my shift last night. that was awesome.

will do again some time. soon i hope.

angry girl journal 10.22.2010

"if a guy is already trying to kiss you, why would you want to meet with someone else?"

words of wisdom from my itay Nathan. he has a point.

i tell you that he has a point and you get back to me, asking me the same thing. why do YOU think i went over to meet YOU when HE was already trying to kiss me? i'm not sure who between the two of us is more stupid: me, for running away from him to meet you when he was obviously there for me, or you, for not getting that i wasted a perfectly great opportunity to be in a great relationship (if not a perfectly great opportunity to get laid after three years) just to be with you. you're really REALLY dense, do you know that?

you are being very sweet than your usual self lately. i get that. you're surprising me more frequently these days. i don't know what the deal is. i'm just going to be grateful that you are and not try to over-analyze the situation. i'm just happy you're still with me. because now, he is not.

***

i know i was wrong for leaving. i know i was wrong for thinking that you wouldn't care. of course, you do. i'm just not sure how much. i was always sure how much you cared for me. i was always sure that you would be there, that i can count on you to be there.

basically, i was scared because after we kissed i don't think i would ever feel that secure anymore. i didn't know how i feel about you or what happened. i don't know how you feel about me or what happened. i'm afraid i might not like what i find out. i've always felt that if i call you, i know that no matter what happens i know, i feel, i am SURE you will be there for me. i feel bad because now, i'm not so sure.

i don't know how i would react after we meet again. i don't even know what i'd say. i don't know how i'd feel.

i just need you to talk to me again. i wish you would talk to me again. please talk to me again.

Monday, October 18, 2010

angry girl journal 10.16.2010

so he texted me to come over for a drink. i really didn't want to go out but he was one of the few people i couldn't say no to so i went. i saw his mother and his sister again and we were all having a few laughs before they all fell asleep and we were left alone. i really have trouble drinking alcohol without smoking so i got tipsy really fast. we finished our drinks but he wouldn't let me leave until i sobered up a bit. something didn't feel right but i didn't want to think about it. like something would happen between two people who were drunk left alone together but i ignored it. the signs were there, i saw them but i refused to see them. i got a text message from you saying that you were in the office so i called you up to meet you. somehow i felt he didn't like the idea of me seeing you, especially after we drank. i wouldn't say he was jealous of you, but that was his tone. then he made sit on his lap again, here it was.

i had my arms around him (i have this thing for guys who know how to maneuver me - it is implied that i allowed myself to be "maneuvered") without making any advances. he couldn't really see my face up close so he would me slightly move me away from him, but still have me in his lap. i wasn't doing anything, i thought out loud. for someone "who wasn't doing anything either", his lips tasted really good. not bad.

in layman's terms, he kissed me and i kissed back. i would like to think i had more will than he did, because i know what happens to his girls. i am not one of his girls. i've always said that i don't want to be a statistic.

then i went to you. you explained to me. again. you said that i was okay with the situation. i was okay with being friends, but what if he wasn't?

i know in my heart that i love him and that he loves me and if there were someone out there i trust my life with to protect me, he would be on the list, much more than you would be. i also know that friendship is the best foundation for a relationship and he happens to be one of the greatest straight male friends i've known in my lifetime. but i don't see him that way anymore. i was, still am, cool with the idea that we were only friends. i am open to the idea that he and i can move to the next level but what if he isn't? or, what if we move to the next level and it doesn't last and i lose my friend?

maybe i'm getting way ahead of myself here, so i'd rather think it was a mistake, both in his part and mine. because it would be better thinking that way than thinking he actually thought i was okay with us being fuck buddies. it would hurt me to think that that was all he thought of me and him thinking i was okay with it. if i wanted him that way, if i saw him that way, i wouldn't even bother letting this friendship go on the way it did. i wouldn't even bother taking care of him, i would've just made that pass two years ago and got it over with. then i wouldn't feel so awkward.

who will i run to now about you?

***

i love you. very much. we tell each other most everything and i have this great respect for you. i would hate to ruin what we have because i or you assumed differently. don't get me wrong, i loved that you kissed me, the way you did, at least. but i still don't know how to go about what happens next. i'm afraid to know what happens next.

Friday, October 15, 2010

dancing while shoveling snow

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a lot of people have remarked that Haruki Murakami tends to end all of his books in a hurry. at first, i thought that it could just be that the story was lost in translation, since his books are originally in Japanese. but then after reading about three of his books, i think they're right.

you'd think that the reason the endings are so rushed is to give the reader something to think about after reading the book, like the story was open to speculation as far as the ending was concerned, like it would end differently depending on how the reader understood the story. but it doesn't. it just pisses you off because you're left wondering, what the fuck?

the last book i read, Dance Dance Dance, is that way. i thought the cover was neat and the fact that it had references to music was really cool. the more i read the book, the more i thought that the dance reference was symbolic rather than literal since the narrator was pretty much asked to dance, as in dance with the situations and circumstances surrounding him.

the story is about a commercial writer (i believe, this is when you get paid to write about something you don't necessarily believe in or like but have to because it gives you the money to sustain your life) and his fixation about an old hotel and the girl he met there and lived with for a while. when the girl disappears, he finds an opportunity to go back to the old hotel, which was recently renovated and he meets The Sheep Man again.

slowly, his life gets tangled with that of an old high school classmate, Gotunda, now an actor stuck playing dentist, doctor and professor roles; a thirteen year old psychic, Yuki, whose parents delegated the responsibility of taking care of her to him; and Yumiyoshi, the hotel receptionist whom he ultimately ended up having a relationship with.

this is the part where it gets weird. so he looks for Kiki, the prostitute and throughout his search, that's how he goes back to the old hotel and meets the receptionist Yumiyoshi. when on one of Gotunda's movies, he sees Kiki on the scene with him, he gets in touch with him to see if he has her number. it turns out he doesn't but they end up being good friends and they share more in common other than a lab experiment in high school. they both have ex-wives, they both slept with two prostitutes on different occasions. Mei, one of the prostitutes die and the narrator is accused of killing her when it turns out, based on Yuki's visions, it was Gotunda who killed her. Yuki's father gets the narrator out on bail after he gets detained for three days but he doesn't really turn in Gotunda. and though he doesn't really find Kiki, or find that he won't get really get anywhere as far as finding her is concerned, he still continues to do so anyway.

the weirder part is the existence of The Sheep Man in the hotel who has only shown himself to Yumiyoshi, Yuki and the narrator. The Sheep Man says that the narrator is the one that connects all of them and their lives together. he is the one who tells the narrator to dance but he doesn't really get how since he's not really well coordinated. when finally Yumiyoshi and the narrator decide to have sex, The Sheep Man appears. whether it was in the narrator's dream or in his hotel room while he is still with her still fails to confuse me. i think i read that last part twice just so i'd get it but i still didn't.

nevertheless, i like Haruki Murakami because his characters are confused like i am. they are damaged like i am. and it may be just the people who translates the books, but when talking in references to love unrequited or to loss, he totally nails it. he does for me. i can totally relate to the character whose heart was broken, the character whose feelings weren't reciprocated, the doormat of his stories, the person taken for granted.

so while the book ending was rushed and i'm still trying to figure out what really happened to the narrator, the fact that the journey of the characters is what draws me to read Haruki Murakami books will probably urge me to read some more books. this narrator, in particular, was as sarcastic as i am so even if i lost the ending somehow, i was there, i danced with him while he was shoveling snow.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

when your child forces you to grow up

here in the R.P., if you have a child out of wedlock, you have the following options:

1) you keep the kid, live off your parents, expect them to help you out and go back to fooling around and making babies out of wedlock;

2) you don't keep the kid and keep behaving like a kid as if nothing happened (of course, the Catholic church frowns upon this, being raised as a Catholic and this being a predominantly so-called Catholic country) and go back to fooling around and making babies out of wedlock;

3) you keep the kid but give it up for adoption and go back to fooling around and making babies out of wedlock; or

4) you keep the kid and raise the kid, take matters to your own hands.

two of my closest female friends did just that: they're working and raising their kids plus their having fun hanging out with me. i have male friends who owned up to the responsibilities of their actions and like the first two, they're working, raising their kids and having fun hanging out with me.

so what happens when you choose option number three? you go back to your life, not necessarily the fooling around part, but you make wiser choices this time, or not, and you forget about the kid you gave up years ago. then suddenly she appears on your doorstep.

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this is the plot of this new show called Life Unexpected. Kate and Baze hook up at the winter formal when they were in high school. he gets her pregnant but didn't want to take any responsibility for it. she gives up this beautiful blond kid for adoption, and goes on to be a popular radio DJ, has found someone new and is considered to be one of the hottest, most eligible single women in the city. he, on the other hand, gets to own his own bar, courtesy of his father, living life like a crazy bachelor. both get the surprise of their lives when their daughter Lux shows up and asks for their signatures in order to be emancipated. apparently, she didn't get adopted for having a weak heart so she just kept being transferred from one foster home to another. she decides at sixteen, that she didn't want to live that way any longer and starts looking for her parents to get their consent for her emancipation from the foster system.

the world has a weird way of putting people together. it turns out, all that time Kate thought that Lux had found a new home and she didn't have to worry. Baze thought that he wouldn't have to see Kate again after she got pregnant. Lux didn't know that the lady she's been listening to on the radio was her mother all along.

the show captures the experiences of three people all forced to grow up based on their circumstances. Lux resurfacing back in their lives has brought Kate and Baze to try to settle their differences in high school, face their fears and most importantly, raise Lux. reuniting with Lux has made them realize a great number of things about themselves and each other and, while they are not getting back together, discover that they could work out raising their daughter together, without fighting even if they don't always agree with their "parenting" methods. Lux, being alone most of her life, is learning to abide by certain rules and rely on other people, particularly her parents. she is learning not to bail whenever things go wrong and be patient, considering that despite their age, her parents "still need parents".

i recommend this to people who think that premarital underage (anytime between the ages of 13 and 21, anything under thirteen is STATUTORY RAPE) sex is cool. kids these days just go out and let go and not think about the consequences of their actions. kids these days are much bolder but not any smarter than we were. they're fearless. but they're also pampered, they're ignorant and they're stubborn. i hope that watching this show can teach them responsible fornication.

i recommend this to my friends who are doing an awesome job of balancing their work, their family life and their social life. it's like a tribute to what they had to go through and how they were able to surpass it. they have my utmost love and respect.

i recommend this to everyone. you can learn a thing or two. i know i have.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

searching for my own Booth

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i've always been a fan of the series Bones since it first aired on local TV. i was very thankful seeing David Boreanaz on the small screen again after Angel was cancelled. the show was, is interesting because just when you thought a perfect crime was committed, the cause of death can be determined and the perpetrator can be apprehended and brought to justice just by looking at his/her bones. also, the dynamics between Brennan and Booth is amazing. their partnership is very solid, kinda like Scully and Moulder. they keep you hanging if they will or will not but you appreciate the kind of relationship they have regardless.

i always say here that i wish to have a straight male best friend, and in many ways, i believe i have. i just have to stop falling for them (haha)and start appreciating that i already have what i asked for. i asked for someone who will understand my neurosis, someone who loves music (even if music doesn't seem to love them back), someone who is funny and who is always there to cheer me up when i feel so bad, someone who looks out for me. oh, yeah, all my male friends (all my friends for that matter, whether straight or gay, regardless of sex, age, race and sexual orientation) are attractive.

i think i already have you. you are sweet and you are there to listen to me whine, vent and linger. i'm there all the time to listen to you whine, vent and linger. we complement each other and like Bones and Booth, we help each other evolve into better human beings. there are times when we argue but we work things out. i can tell you everything and you tell me everything and we trust each other. however, i have this constant fear that between protecting me and saving your ass, you will save your ass first, unlike Bones and Booth. they have this bond, this unspoken promise. you know that should either one of them be attacked, whether verbally or physically, should either one of them be under any harm, the other will be there to seek ways to protect the other. they see each other through - something i'm not sure i have with you.

i trust you. maybe i just don't trust you enough. or maybe so many instances for me to let you know and prove that i'm watching your back are there, but not so many where you can show me that you're watching over me.

i know you. you know me. sometimes, we know each other too well better than the other. i just hope you know that. i just hope you appreciate all of this, the way i think i can say i can give up all for you. i know you do, you just don't say it enough and even when you do, you can't find the right words. that's how you and i are such great partners: you provide the numbers and i come up with the words. sometimes, you even use the phrases you learn from me to get back at me when we argue. asshole.

i love the series whether Booth and Bones end up together or not. friendship is the best foundation of great relationship. i love you, i love our friendship, i love our partnership, whether we end up together or not. i would hate to lose you just because there are times when i hope for something else.

i'm not even going to do anything. i love the status quo. i fear that if i aspire for more, i would lose what's more important. i'm making the most of what's given to me. of course, i could be happier.

by happier, i mean confirmation that you see me as your Bones and you as my Booth without the usual awkwardness because one has strong feelings* for the other.

*strong feelings may not necessarily be love. it could be also be disdain.

i ate, i prayed, but i have yet to love


i love my new hair color :)

***














i have been waiting on the movie for the longest time. i have been waiting on the movie ever since i read the book and i saw the trailer in the movie theater months ago. i can't even remember the last time i watched a movie in an actual theater. this is not counting that time that my friends ambushed and kidnapped me into watching this movie with Claudine Barretto, Anne Curtis and Richard Gutierrez. oh, that movie was hideous. really really bad acting, predictable storyline and shit.

anyway, i digress.

i liked the book so much i recommended it to my friends at work. they love it too. the movie was three hours long and while it is already so, it didn't capture some of the major plots of the book for me, which is pretty common every time a book is brought over to the movie screen. the idea of how a book comes to life in the big screen is different for every individual.

the story is about the journey of one Elizabeth Gilbert towards self-discovery. coming from a marriage she felt she didn't belong to and struggling through the divorce and then moving from a very exhausting relationship with a younger man, she traveled the three I's: Italy, India and Indonesia in search of balance in her life and of herself. her whole year's journey brought her to find pleasure (Italy - mostly of food), the relevance of sacrifice (India) and the balance (Indonesia) between the two conflicting concepts. when i was reading the book, i felt i could somehow relate to the story, not just because she was a writer in search of a reason, or balance, or direction, but because, all the things she felt, even the ways in which she expressed herself, were things i am going through myself.

i may not have gone through a divorce or been with a younger man (i have before although the relationship didn't last that long to be that destructive) but i find myself hoping and praying for guidance all the time. i found her sarcasm amusing and most of her views seemed perfectly in tune to my own views specifically my relationship with my Creator. like Liz, i don't get to talk to Him that often. but i believe in Him and the hope that i will be healed or that i will find my voice, my direction, myself.

i am eating a lot lately. i am around people who enjoy every eating experience they have and that doesn't really help much when you can't fit into your clothes. despite of that though, i get affirmation from my friends all the time, that i'm beautiful inside and out and that depriving myself of the basic need which is food will not be healthy for my well-being.

i pray in my own unconventional way. i always say that my Creator is everywhere, which is why i seem to be talking a lot to myself while walking when in fact, it is Him whom i am talking to. i don't go to His house regularly, but when i do, i make sure i tell Him all my pain, my fears, my hopes, my dreams. i ask Him to take away the pain, and guide me in all my interactions with people, whether i love them or hate them. i ask Him to guide me in all my decisions, or at least, give me some sort of hint. i ask Him to take care of my health and to keep strengthening me in all the trials that i will face, because they are many. i also pray to Him to remove my anger. i know i'm not as angry as i was when my dad was still alive, but the scars haven't healed enough to make me less of an angry person that i was. i still struggle with that.

i have yet to love. while i am very eager to let this person know how much he means to me, reciprocated or not, letting go of myself totally, regardless of the consequences, is something i have difficulty doing. i allow myself to look like a total idiot to a certain extent, but i stop at some point because i still can't bring myself to make any compromises as far as my freedoms and beliefs are concerned. maybe because i haven't found the right one or maybe because i'm scared that if it does materialize that i would be the one responsible for destroying it. i'm scared that if i let myself fall, i wouldn't be able to pick up the pieces of my life should it not last.

the book is great, the movie is okay. check out either one when time permits.

Tuesday, October 05, 2010

angry girl journal 10.04.2010

I don’t like starting my shifts this way. How you do your Mondays pretty much determines what’s going to happen for the rest of the work week.

I was going to start avoiding you. Maybe it wasn’t the best time to start. I figured since I’ve been planning for the longest time to do so, but I kept putting it off on the basis that I never could resist you and whenever I decided I wanted to start avoiding you, you would surprise me and that was it. That was the end of me and my conviction to start forgetting you and letting you go completely. What can I say? You are very unpredictable. When I decide I want to seriously avoid you, you unexpectedly decide you want to be sweet to me and I give in.

It was very difficult to ignore your text messages over the weekend. You have no idea how hard it was for me to do so when you were in my thoughts the whole time. Kelan ba ako naubusan ng load?

I feel bad being insecure about my job because of you. You have to understand: I don’t have family, I don’t have anyone, save for my friends. All I have is my work and nothing frustrates me other than not being able to do my job because other people procrastinated on theirs is the fear that I might actually lose it. And you gave me that fear, whether you were aware of it or not, it feels like I’m competing with you and I don’t even want to compete. I don’t want to have that feeling because aside from being colleagues, we are friends. You are my partner. You are the closest thing that I have to a straight male best friend here at work. I’m not supposed to have feelings of resentment towards you. It’s bad enough, as it is: that I’m in love with you but you don’t feel the same way and I have to work with you at the same time. I don’t expect you to feel the same way. I get that. But then because I have to see you everyday, there are days when it’s hard for me to cope. What I hate is the fact that everyday whenever I come to work I feel that I have to fight with you to get my new boss’s attention. And it’s not your fault. I can’t even say it’s her fault because it may just be me comparing her to my old boss again when they’re just two different people. It pisses me off that unconsciously she makes me feel that you are more important to her than I am. It pisses me off that it is hard for me to build that kind of relationship with her and you just seem “to do everything for her”. And while you may not even be doing it intentionally, it makes me miserable just the same.

I just had to tell you how I feel. I know I am the least of your worries but you and I always together doesn’t help me get over you. I need to be away from you. I have to learn to start.

Then there you go: You just really know what to say to me. You really know what to do to get my defenses down. I love and hate you for it because no guy has been able to read me like that in a long time. You said that when you look for me, it’s not about work. It’s because I mean something to you and that you care about me, that it is also difficult for you to be away from me. You didn’t say you love me, but you implied that you cared about me and that I mattered to you so, of course, I bought it. You even went ahead and hugged me just to make me feel better. Twice. And you wouldn’t let go. You wouldn’t let go until you thought we were okay. Now I feel really really miserable.

People don’t like you because they don’t know you like I do. People will come up with all sorts of speculations about you and your personality because you come off as an arrogant sycophant. An asshole. They are quick to judge and will talk and spread rumors based on what they see from your actions and words. While we both don’t care about what other people think about us, sometimes, it’s what people think about us that matters. I am miserable that I have these feelings because I know what the truth is and I know you. You are all things both irritating and attractive to me but you will never go that far. You are not that kind of person. Neither am I.

It felt almost like I was breaking up with you but you didn't want me to. I'm not sure if it's because us avoiding each other would only fan the flames about you and her or because it really is difficult for you to be away from me. I don't want to think you're using me. But that's what it looks like. I want to believe that I mattered to you. You said it yourself, we have been working for more than a year together; you can't just put what we've had just go to waste like that.

But what do we have?

What do we mean to each other?
Am I friend, am I lover?
Is it over now?
If this is it, then why bother?
Tell me where do we take it from here?
Do you love me still or
Do you just mean well?

Sunday, October 03, 2010

briskwalking around the State U - yosi anyone?

this morning i went jogging with Maki. we've been talking about doing this for a long time and i finally went with him. i woke up really early.

i was trying to pace myself. and scout the place. i haven't gone running in a while and the last thing i wanted to do was to strain myself and not be able to go to work the next day. i figured i'd just walk for a while and maybe two Sundays later be able to jog the whole course.

so many people jogging there and i was walking the opposite direction. i never did conform to anything. and i think i've mentioned here more than once that i like watching people, sometimes more than i do actually talking to them.

Maki just wouldn't stop making fun of me. give me two more Sundays, and i might be able to make you eat my dust, brother.

walking around the university like that made me think that i'm glad i never made it to that school, that i studied somewhere else. otherwise, i may have had a different life, met different people and would've had a different set of friends. i might not even be jogging with Maki but with somebody else. and i love Maki. i love my friends now. i love my life now. it may not be the best life, it may not be that perfect, but i love my life.

of course, jogging, err, briskwalking made me come to terms with my mortality - i'm not that fast anymore, and i tire easily. i can always say i didn't stretch enough or that i haven't been running in a while or that i'm just a bad smoker period.

breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out.

no, i didn't really require a wheelchair afterwards.

but i may need to cut down on those cigarettes. damn.