Friday, August 27, 2010

thirty-three

in America and Canada, if it's your birthday, people take you out. here in this God-forsaken country called the Philippines, even the bitch who talks behind your back or the schmuck you've never ever seen before in your life who greets you a happy birthday, expects to receive a piece of the cake.

***
Filipinos are hopeless romantics. that's why they keep on voting for the same asshole traditional politicians. they think that if you've known someone for the longest time, you should end up with that person. they can't understand the concept of "just friends". what's wrong with just being friends? i mean, it sucks every time i meet a potential life partner and we have all these great things going for us but he just wants to be "just friends" and i get it. i totally get it. there is no reason why you should destroy something really really great if it doesn't need fixing.

which is why i respect you.

every day i wake up in the afternoon wondering what time it is in Riverview, or Halifax. every time my left wrist aches, i think about the pool in Stakili and my black blouse, my black pair of shorts and my eyeglasses. i've forgotten what you look like already, or how your voice sounds like when you're sober and the only way i can recall is if i check my phone. handy little devil of a gadget.

i know you hardly ever think of me the way i think about you, with work and a baby in the way. i would be the last thing to ever cross your mind. and it's fine with me.

i really liked the card that you and your alter ego gave me. it's really sweet. beats missing you for a while. and then reality kicks in again.

***
i think it is very hypocritical for a 40-year old woman who is no longer a virgin to claim that she is conservative for her refusal to do body shots with her peers of the same age bracket when she openly plays a game of pass-the-ice with her 20-something agents in broad daylight. but then, that's just me.

***
Filipinos are very respectful and polite. this is very evident when i get out of the train during rush hour. they forget the part that they can't really get inside the train and there won't be enough space for them to all fit in until they let you out. when this happens, i introduce them my elbows.

***
you do have a way about you and you still manage to affect me. i thought i wouldn't be anymore. life has a way of testing you when you least expect it.

like i said, you don't have to love me back. i'm not waiting for you to, even after i found out you broke it off with her. i just want you to stop being nice to me. because i never ever know if you're just being polite.

and then, THE CAKE. you brought me cake. you sweet sweet asshole. you're a contradiction. and i'm going to stop worrying about it.

i'm going to stop fussing about you, the way i'm going to stop thinking about him. both of you. because both of you couldn't care less about how i feel so i might as well move on. even if you brought me cake.

***
like i said, i don't mind being alone. i have been living alone for the last ten months. but i don't feel so alone anymore. i don't feel so angry as i used to be. i feel my Creator's presence in my life through the people around me and that's enough to keep me believing. it's enough for me to keep the faith.

the best is yet to come. i believe so. i know so.

Monday, August 23, 2010

4 days before getting older again

i can't believe it's only four more days till i turn a year older again.

so these two nights that i spent my weekend, i spent with friends. no drinking, just dinner, coffee, talking. i AM getting old. not cut out for that scene anymore. whatever that scene is. i just prefer having long conversations with old friends now. and with new friends too. i just prefer talking, period. it's a sign of getting old.

i admire my friends for having an all or nothing mentality. i guess even if i take lots of risks, i still hold back on certain things. i refuse to compromise since i believe i haven't met the right person worth making compromises to. besides, i have been alone for too long for me to give up too many of the liberties i enjoy now. ESPECIALLY now, because i was restricted by my Dad all those years. i'm just starting to enjoy my life, my freedom. why the hell am i going to give that up?

i believe i'm a catch. i'm not the best catch there is, but i'm a catch. i deserve nothing less but the best. i deserve to be wooed, i deserved to be chased to the point of embarrassment, i deserve to be serenated and stalked, the works. i have so much love to give and when i do love, i give nothing less. why should i be loved less than what i'm capable of loving for? i'm good for all the promises that i want made to me and i've waited long enough to know what i can deliver in a relationship for me to know i won't jump into one just because i need to.

i also believe i can do something better than what i'm doing now, i just don't know what it is yet. i know i can do so much more; i need to transform all this potential into kinetic energy. my worst fear is not being able to move forward to something else better because i'm so good at what i'm doing right now. i really hope i'd be given something else more challenging to do than filing a bunch of papers.

i also wish to travel some more. the trip to Cebu was so breathtaking i plan to do it again, i want to go to more places. i want to be able to go somewhere on my own to think, to write, to enjoy. we only go through life once and i want to be able to enjoy every single second of it. what do i have to lose, right? besides, i've always wanted to learn to use all that French.

being thirty-three hasn't changed me a lot. it just gives me more license to be stubborn. i've only just begun to live my life and i don't want to regret not having done this and that when i had the chance. of course, my life would be happier being with someone but that can wait. i can wait. i have been waiting a while now, so what difference does it make? i have friends who care about me; these people whom i can rely on and rely on me. i should be fine.

i should be fine. i will be fine.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

picture, picture

my mother finished a course in Finance (yes, yes, i take after her talent in liquidating receipts taller than me) and had started her own business at a very young age. when she had me, she was a manager of an agency (can't remember the nature of the business - maybe travel) situated in one of the finest hotels here in Manila (can you say, The Hilton?) but due to some person's betrayal, she lost everything.

we didn't have very much then so to help out my dad, she worked as a travel guide/photographer. she'd take out tourists to the Pagsanjan Falls, the Taal Volcano, Fort Santiago, among other places. they were my playground. she'd sell them their photos as souvenirs. there were no camera phones or digital cameras back then. when she had excess film, she'd take pictures of me. since there were only three of us in the house, as that was the whole family, we had loads of pictures of me.

we stopped taking pictures after she died and the ones which were left were washed out by the flood last year.

i don't really touch her cameras. it's a hobby i want to take on, but like my dad, i can't hold them without bursting into tears. hence, the camera phone. i don't even have that many pictures of me on my phone. the ones i have are mostly with my friends, but not me alone. well, not that much. watch the pretty awkward face.

***
this morning i had breakfast with a friend who was very much irritated with my hair that he decided to give me a hot oil treatment. after that, he flat ironed my hair and decided to take pictures. you could say he was very proud of his masterpiece.

i was reluctant at first. not that i felt any malice. i was comfortable being with him, taking all those pictures. i just wasn't comfortable with myself, insecurities and all. then i thought, what the hell?! i thought of all those America's Next Top Model episodes i saw and i started being fierce. i was beautiful. i AM beautiful. who cares if i'm heavy, i'm beautiful. the whole experience made me feel like Helen Hunt with Greg Kinnear on As Good As It Gets. the feeling, the exhilaration it had given me is better than sex. you read that right. i said better than sex. but then again, it's been three years so how the fuck would i know how it feels? anyway, i digress. it really built up my confidence before i could lose whatever was left. it made me appreciate (not realize - i already know i'm beautiful, i just don't assert myself that way) myself even more. i'm going to make a conscious effort to try to be more girl. the operative word is try.

those were really nice pictures of me. i could sure lose some more weight but i don't really care. my mother would have been very proud.

Monday, August 16, 2010

sometimes being polite can be a bad thing

i should've said no. i was being polite but i may have sent the wrong signal by agreeing to have a drink with her. my being nice, instead of getting me good karma, may have earned me a potential stalker, err, suitor.

you don't look anything like M. M is the only one in my life. you are nothing like M. you don't remind me of M. and i won't love you like i loved M. it may sound harsh and i apologize but just because i'm a bisexual it doesn't mean i would jump at the first butch that hits on me.

i don't deny that part of my life. i am still very much a bisexual. i am still open to the idea that i may end up with a guy or a girl or alone. i'm not turning my back on that. but don't expect me to be your savior. I AM NOT YOUR SAVIOR. don't think for one second that i am attracted to you or that there may be more to this than just, well, acquaintances. i am not even interested in being your friend, i am not interested in you. i am not interested period.

i hate it when people patronize me by telling me what they think i need or want to hear. i hate it when people tell me what to do. they can't just question my friendship with Anna, Cherl, Jonathan, Trina and Nathan or anybody else for that matter. they can't tell me that Jim is wrong in his assessment of my personality. they can't call me names or judge me. they can't just invite themselves in my life. i have a wall. it is a tool. nobody has a right in unless i let them. i reserve the right of who i let into my life. you are not one of them lucky people.

like i said, my being alone has made me a stronger, independent individual. i am not in a hurry to be with someone. i like being alone.

this job has its responsibilities. this job requires too much of me sometimes. it gives the false notion to people that i have to make friends with everybody. i don't have to. i don't want to.

Friday, August 13, 2010

there are some friday the 13ths that are happy; you just happened to be leaving today

i didn't know if i would go. part of me wanted to just skip it, but i didn't want the thought of you leaving without me seeing you off. so i did.

i'm glad i did. i'm glad i got to be with you, drink with you (body shot was nice. surreal. hot. nice. oh yeah, did i mention, hairy?), talk to you, walked with you while trying to find a shirt, beat you while running on the way back to the bar, had coffee with you, massaged your head, called for your car, took you to your room, took care of you, took your shirt off, watched you sleep.

it's pathetic, i know. in some parts of the world, maybe even scary.

but i wouldn't trade it for anything else.

let's forget for one second the fact that you are hot. or intelligent. or sweet. or amazing. or wonderful. or that i may be (emphasis on the word, "maybe") attracted to you. i don't want to objectify you that way. you are a wonderful friend. you leaving means me losing a friend whom i might not see in a long time.

you can see through me. you didn't have to read my blog, you read me. you knew exactly what i was feeling, what i was trying to hide, what i was doing to protect myself when you leave. and somehow you felt it too. but it was more important to you that you and i and everybody else be together for one last time before you go. and that's exactly what i did. i saw you until i couldn't stay anymore before you actually left.

if i hadn't gone, i would've missed being with you and you telling me how much you love me (as a friend) and that you will not forget me. i would've missed your lecture for me, you getting mad at me because i don't appreciate myself enough or give myself enough credit. to my defense, i do have my reasons for not asserting my authority, or as you referred to it, "my power" but i would save it for other days. other conversations. assuming we would have more. in the future. when you come back. assuming you will come back. assuming you will remember. you promised to remember and i will hold you to it.

i am not sorry i met you. you are one of the few highlights in my very mundane existence. i am just sorry we don't have more time.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

the ballad of the mind fuckers v.2010

Damien Rice did not do vocals for Kings of Leon. i may not be listening to a bunch of new stuff that much lately, but i know my music and Damien Rice didn't used to be the Kings of Leon frontman.

i actually don't like Cannonball that much. i like it, but not that much. it's obviously and easily the most famous of Damien's songs since it has been used by so many movies and tv series, especially in those scenes where you're waiting for the lead character to burst into tears. i prefer The Blower's Daughter, which was only used once, in the movie Closer, starring Julia Roberts and Jude Law (hyperventilate!!!) and Delicate, from the album "O". i like the lyrics of the song, but maybe it's just in my nature not to go with what everybody else likes so i said i didn't like it that much. i appreciate it now, or learned to re-appreciate (if there is such a word) the song because of you. i didn't even know you liked it until i heard it playing on your laptop while i was trying to play a prank on you for leaving your PC unlocked. it put you a notch up on my book.


"Cannonball"

Still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
Still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
Still a little hard to say what's going on

Still a little bit of your ghost, your witness
Still a little bit of your face I haven't kissed
You step a little closer each day
That I can't say what's going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love, it taught me to lie
Life,  it taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball

Still a little bit of your song in my ear
Still a little bit of your words I long to hear
You step a little closer to me
So close that I can't see what's going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love  it taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannon

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to cry
So come on, courage, teach me to be shy
'Cause it's not hard to fall
And I don't wanna scare her
It's not hard to fall
And I don't wanna lose
It's not hard to grow
When you know that you just don't know



the lyrics are pretty nice, actually. meaningfully ironic. life teaching you how to die and cannonball floating. somewhat like the relationship we have.

it's like this. ever since you came i've tried to be mean to you, tried to push you away, do things that might piss you off because in the end, i'm only protecting myself when you leave. you will leave and you will forget. i will only miss you, long for your companionship and think about all the nice conversations you and i have had but you will be too busy with your own life to remember. you will not remember. and that will hurt me knowing i never made a mark in your life as much as you have made a mark on mine.

nothing is more painful than being thrown into oblivion.

***
you were not the one who sang this in our first karaoke session together, it was somebody else. and truthfully, if you sang it, i bet it would have been terrible. i know so. but you were the one that i remembered when i heard Hanging by a Moment again. i don't know why. the weird part about it was that when i told you it was you who popped into my head when i heard it, you've been singing it ever since. like it was our song.


Hanging By A Moment

Desperate for changing, starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started, I'm chasing after you

I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held on to
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you

Forgetting all I'm lacking, completely incomplete
I'll take your invitation, you take all of me now

I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held on to
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you

There's nothing else to lose, there's nothing else to find
There's nothing in the world that can change my mind
There is nothing else
There is nothing else
There is nothing else

Desperate for changing, starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started, I'm chasing after you

I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held on to
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you

Just hanging by a moment
Just hanging by a moment
I'm hanging by a moment
Just hanging by a moment here with you
  


see, i was right when i said the things i said about you. i was right about what i wrote about you. you will take care of me, ask me to go eat or smoke with you but you will never let me know if i'm being a great friend or not unless i force it out of you. i am actually glad we have a better relationship now, that i feel more comfortable opening up to you. i still feel for you, but i feel less strongly about you now. because of him, i guess. i'm glad that we are friends, better friends now. like i keep on telling you, you are the closest thing to a straight male best friend that i can ever have. you are my partner, my companion.

but you will never feel the same way.

***

classic mind fucking at its finest. ahlavet.

Sunday, August 08, 2010

angry girl journal 04.24.07

i am scared of indifference. you know, something bad happens to you and nobody even bothers, nobody even cares enough to help you out.

i am scared of not getting pregnant. the thought of bleeding every month but no offspring to show for it terrifies me. really.

i am not afraid of death. i've been burning my lungs for the last fifteen years or so, so cancer doesn't scare me. i know that i'll have cancer eventually, whether it's with breasts (it runs in the family) or my lungs or my kidneys (that runs in the family too), it's something i've prepared myself for. besides, my mom died with this huge smile on her face so i don't have any problem standing next to corpses.

i am more scared of the living than i am of the dead. dead people can't hurt you but the living can inflict pain on you in more ways than one.

i do have a problem with the dark, though. the thought of being in total darkness is associated with helplessness.

then there's heights. i am afraid of heights. i want to try bungee jumping before i die, just to know what it feels like.

i am scared of disappearing into oblivion, of fading away without making any difference in somebody else's life.

like i said, i'm pretty shallow. i get by with little things, so simplicity pleases me. while i don't really go out of my way to try to make people happy, it would mean a lot to me if people had happy memories of me. like i'd die and they'd say they learned something from me, that somehow knowing me made their life a bit better. that's despite my being irate, bitchy, scary and damaged.

i dread the idea that regardless of all the good things i try to become there are still and will still be some people who can't appreciate the effort i'm exerting.

but if there's anything that i'm REALLY afraid of, it's being angry. i know i already have angst. i just don't want to continue being angry for the rest of my life. i don't want to be bitter forever. i want to be happy. i want to be really happy without conditions. JUST HAPPY.

Bitter, Jill Sobule

i could slip, i could fall

in that mean and awful hall
with the other jealous bitches
and the bitter grumbling men

i could sneer, i could snare, say that
life is so unfair and the one who made it, made it
'cause her breasts were really big

well, i don't want to be bitter
i don't want to turn cruel
i don't want to get old before i have to

i could bitch, i could moan
say i want to be left alone
but that's not really true
because i like my time with you

till you rant, and you rave
wishing fat folks to their grave
but i feel sorry for them
you say they get what they deserve

well, i don't want to be bitter
i don't want to turn cruel
i don't want to get old before i have to

i don't want to get jaded
petrified and weighted
i don't want to be bitter like you

like you with the darts in your eyes
like you with disdain for mankind
i was charmed, now i wonder

well, i don't want to be bitter
i don't want to turn cruel
i don't want to get old before i have to

so i'll smile with the rest
i'll wish everyone the best
and know the one who made it
made it 'cause she was really good

but i don't want to be bitter
i don't want to turn cruel
i don't want to get old before i have to

i don't want to get jaded
petrified and weighted
i don't want to get bitter like you

no, i don't want to be bitter
i don't want to turn cruel
i don't want to get old before i have to

i don't want to get jaded
petrified and weighted
i don't want to get bitter like you

Thursday, August 05, 2010

my phone could have just been lost in the middle of the Pacific because that's what it feels like

my phone died on me. can't be the battery since the phone was fully charged, so it must be the software. tsk. that phone and i have seen tough times.

all those numbers gone. if only the sim card could've salvaged the messages.

Nathan's first "ingat". in 2007. him texting me a laughing icon because he forgot i was on leave for my birthday. him telling me that i'm an amazing person and that he'll miss me because he's leaving. him telling me to meet him for dinner because he was going to say goodbye. him telling me that i'm awesome because even if i'm not working for him anymore i still have the capability to give him what he needs and that he trusts me with stuff. that i'm one of the most reliable people he has ever worked with and that i should never second guess myself. him telling me to "remember that it is better to get hurt in love than to never love at all".

you and i fighting. you telling me that i shouldn't quarrel with you because that's the reason i can't sleep. you asking me what happened to me when i had the accident. you greeting me on a sunday. you asking me what's wrong or why i'm sad or what you could do to make me happy. you thinking i was jealous of the girl you were talking to over the phone. you telling me that you preferred being with me on your supposed last days than being anywhere else. you admitting that you are an ass. you asking me where i am as opposed to you actually looking for me.

mental note: there is a difference between "san ka?" and "asan ka?". the first you can ignore because it merely asks where you are, while the second demands a response. try it.

then there's you making sure i'm home. you telling me how boring you are. you wishing me a good weekend and that you won't try to work too hard. you asking me how to get to work walking because a car will take 40 minutes for a 10 minute walk to work. you thanking the fact that you do something for me, like i do for you. you telling me, "you are too good to me for me to ever be mad at you, bels"

i can never get those back again. even if i cry blood tears, the memories on my phone will never be restored. retrieved. they're all gone. pffft.

i feel like Bilal who lost his $500 prescription ray bans while riding a jet ski with Norma. in the middle of the ocean. i can't get over it. i just lost three years of my life.

Tuesday, August 03, 2010

the first date will decide if you can watch a movie or not

first dates are like interviews. you can only pretend for so long. you try to put your best foot forward to try to make a good first impression because you only get one chance at it. but you can only pretend for so long. the real you will always try to come out. the bad thing about an interview, or a first date, if it doesn't work, is that it'll decide if you get a second date, or a second chance at a greater path in your career. if you lose the battle, the moment is gone forever. then you float.

***

i'm not in a really good place right now. i am no longer motivated by what i'm doing. i no longer like what i'm doing. i still love the remaining people i'm working with, but it doesn't feel right anymore. i'm trying. really. struggling is more apt. i don't want to be doing this for the rest of my life. i know i have to move on somehow. but there aren't too many opportunities. i don't have anyone. i don't feel like work is my sanctuary anymore. i no longer think of work as my escape. now i feel incarcerated when i sit on the chair and stare at my pc. you have to end that date somehow. i love my pc but i realize that i can't always spend my holidays and weekends in front of it. besides, it doesn't talk back. it's pretty slow and i don't think i've ever enjoyed sex with non-living things. i don't want to be that drained and insane to actually try. the pc won't kiss you back. it will give you money but it won't kiss you back.

i find myself asking God again, promotion or meaningful relationship? i have to turn all this untapped potential into kinetic energy. this is the part of the so-called full circle where you speak with your Creator and ask Him to give you something new to do, otherwise, a new relationship. and i don't want anything less. if i can't have the one i want, or a semblance of some other person who has the qualities i can stand and learn to live with, tolerate, i'd rather do something new with my life.

let's face it. i deserve nothing less. if it is not this person, or that other person, i'd rather be doing something else because i can't do the one i want. i deserve to be with someone on the same wavelength. i deserve to be with someone who will complement me, not someone i have to reassure all the time. i already have too many of my own self-esteem issues to carry somebody else's. that person either has to be my equal or someone intellectually more superior. the sex must be great but if we can't really carry an actual conversation, i'd rather be alone. like i said, some, if not most of the conversations i have with myself are better than the ones i have with actual people.

i didn't spend, no, waste, six years of law school just to be in a very tumultuous lesbian relationship. i didn't try to learn (and unlearn) all that legalese just to be in a band doing really cheesy covers because a bunch of law students didn't appreciate real music. i didn't spend all those nights studying doctrines and principles of the Philippine law just to wait on other people's deliverables. of course i can't be a paralegal. not only does it not pay much but it will only reconnect me with people who are not only more arrogant than i, but even more stupid. i love the law but the people who pretend to know it know shit about how to uphold it so no chance there.

i want to do something different. even if i get higher pay doing the same thing, it doesn't develop me, it doesn't fulfill me anymore. i'm not as passionate as i used to be about it. again, i don't want a guy to motivate me to go to work. once the guy resigns or goes back to Canada, i'll lose interest in my work and that doesn't help. if there's one thing i hate, it's mediocre work. i don't like waiting on the other end for it, nor do i want to deliver something less than mediocre.

indispensable is one word for you cannot be replaced, therefore, you cannot be promoted.

i'm not even going to try to blame Nathan for leaving. my new boss is wonderful, i just don't see her very often and when i do see her, i still don't feel that i can warm up to her enough to want to stay doing this for a year longer. besides, the last thing i want is to be on a job because Nathan gave it to me, like a favor. or like a mercy job. i want to be in on my own merits and not just because "Nathan said so". i don't want to embarrass him that way and the last thing i want looming over my head is the thought that i am less than what Nathan said/claimed i was.

first dates are interviews. if you don't like how the date is going, you can choose not to go out with that person anymore. you date somebody else. i feel like i'm forever stuck on a really bad first date and no one can pretend to save me from it. i can't ask for the check and go home. i have to sit through it until my date comes up with something interesting to do.

next date, please?

whatever happened to my meaningful relationship?