Saturday, July 31, 2010

angry girl journal 07.31.2010

i'm exploring the waters outside of my comfort zone. i need to be able to do something else, try something else, to reach my full potential. i feel that while i work hard, my heart is not in it. i feel like every time i go to work i have to drag my butt out of bed and drag my feet out of the house. my only motivation right now is the fact that i will be seeing the two souls that lighten up my spirit and the last thing i want to get me motivated to go to work is these two guys. what if they decide to not go to work, like if they resign or leave the country? where does that leave me?

***
there's something definitely weird with the way you have been acting towards me. you're sweeter than usual. you're actually reading what i wrote and even highlighting with a marker the stuff i wrote about you. it's weird and yet, fascinating.

my friends say that he may have something to do with the fact that you're nicer to me, like you were jealous or insecure of him or something. i don't really want to think that way about you. i don't even want to go there. i don't want to read in to his being nice to me, neither will i read in to you being nice to me. i'm just glad you're warming up to me, that you're paying more attention, that you're sweeter. you're still not verbalizing how you feel about me, although you do show me how you care. what you're giving to me right now is fine. i'll take it. i'll enjoy the promo while it lasts. if you go back to your old ways after he leaves because you think my world is centered around you again, i'll find out and put you back in your place.

***
i want to spend as much time as i can with you. i really really want to. but you're going to leave and the longer you stay, the harder it would be for me to let you go. besides, too many people want to be with you. i don't have time to compete. i don't want to compete. i just want to be with you.

but you'll forget. too many people say they will remember, that they will keep in touch, that they will come back but they never do. and i'm so sick and tired of being left behind. i'm so sick and tired of being taken for granted and forgotten. i'm so sick and tired of trying to stand out just to be remembered. you leave, you forget, you move on and i will move on. i will do my best to try to make a mark on your life and you make the promise not to forget. but you will all do. and it will hurt me when you do, because you're the most special of them all.

***
i am trying my darnest best to warm up to you. ayaw kitang gawing panakip-butas. i sincerely want to start liking you. it pains me that i'm making all this effort and you just want to stretch my patience by bringing up the whole "boss ka, agent ako" card. stop playing the position card. don't you know that i'm just everybody's slave at work? honestly, we can't always start our conversations with this bullshit about you "just being an agent" because i will and in fact, i am getting tired of always having to reassure you that it doesn't matter, that i'd go out with you anyway. but you, you just keep on making it an excuse not to go out. after making an impression on me, you just threw it all away by bringing that up. and i'm tired, so tired of people being intimidated by me because of my so-called position.

that's how M and i separated. she was totally my equal, but she just had to be better, she just had to be smarter, richer, better at everything and because i loved her i had to step down just so she can feel better about herself. i had to lose myself just so she can feel more man because she wasn't on so many levels. and i don't want that to happen to you and me before we can even begin anything. i want to learn to get to know you and i want to see if this will get us anywhere. i am making too many steps towards you and you're just moving further and further away. and all the while i thought you were going to get tired of trying to woo me. i never thought i'd get tired of just trying to reassure you. i'm making all this effort just to show you that it's okay for us to be friends, that there's a possibility that you and i can be more than friends but every time i do something you just shut me out. we don't connect. i don't have any patience. i'm patient but you're making me lose my patience.

i need someone who will complement me, someone who is either my equal or someone better than i am. someone who is comfortable and confident about himself that he can tame me. someone who will protect me. that's why i have this thing for assholes. they're assholes but they're pretty confident and while the arrogance is irritating, it is better than having to comfort somebody all the time for their inadequacy or inefficiency.

it's just too bad that the ones who are comfortable with their own skin, the ones who are not afraid to try new things or are open to possibilities, they only want me to be their friend. it's just too bad that the men i want don't want me back.

Friday, July 23, 2010

why does God always make me meet people who will leave me?

that. that right there is the story of my life. they always leave. that or they only want friendship.

so i came home, courtesy of your hotel car and i ended up just lying in bed and crying after i texted you i was home. i feel glad that i met you but sad that i'll be losing you soon. we don't have enough time.

he said he respects me. that's Canadian for i will not have sex with you, bels. oh, wait, that's like universal speak for, wait, wait for it: i don't want to sleep with you, bels. i have too many friends respect me. strangely enough, all my male friends are assholes.

it's not that i want you to violate me. i don't. i have my own rules. i don't want you to feel the same way i do about you. for starters, i haven't even figured that one out yet. and second of all, once i do figure it out, i do know that i wouldn't be able to handle it assuming that you did. and why will you? why should you? you are so wonderful that i don't think i deserve someone like you. it's just that i don't think my life will be the same without you, just like when Nathan left.

i always compare you to Nathan. or i always say that you remind me of Nathan. that's because Nathan was the solid male force in my life. until he left. and now i am lost. then you come along, you bring some sort of perspective in my life, in the way i never expected to and i've invested so much in you more than i would allow myself to for anyone. but you're leaving.

i know that people meet for a reason. i've said it here myself before. you meet people for a reason. it just hurts every time they leave your life.

i hope you can be my constant, just like Nathan has been my constant. but something inside me knows that as soon as you leave, you will forget, just as everyone forgets. and i will be alone with just the memories you left me, because everyone leaves.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

i don't mind being wooed, just don't expect me to react accordingly

so there's this agent who asked for my number. not the conventional way, even. too many presumptive closes. yet i found it impressive. not too many people at work ask me for my number.

i don't know. maybe it's because i've been alone for so long and nobody's courted me for a long time or maybe because i'm attracted to somebody else that's why i can't figure out if i like the idea of being wooed. i'm afraid that i might just wear him down, or push him away. i definitely don't want to lead him on. i'm interested to get to know him, i want to explore the possibility of liking this guy or if not, that i could eventually develop a meaningful friendship with him.

how do i know for sure?

i don't really want to push him away. but i don't want to stress the hell out of him. whoever wishes to be with me has to understand that i love my work with a passion; that i value my time alone when i want to write or commune with my subconscious; that i'm weird. period.

i'm going to try to see where this leads. if it doesn't go anywhere, i'll try to see if i'd react differently the next time somebody else asks me out. and hopefully, i'd behave and be myself and not be scared.

eating my words

i didn’t really like you at first. no attraction whatsoever. as in, nada. a few months ago, if i heard as much as your voice or name spoken out by somebody else, i would run screaming from the room. i mean, nobody ever likes people who come over unannounced. it’s great for the people you visit. surprise! but not really for the one who has to fix the ride a.k.a. me. plus those client preparations. so demanding! i know it’s part of the job but i have been doing this for the last three years or so, so i do know how demanding clients can be and what to do when that happens. didn’t need you to bug me about it. i had Nathan doing that for me already. didn’t need an extra bugger. haha.

there’s also a great number of girls/gays who like you here and i don’t know if i’m liking you just because i know i can be close to you and they can’t; or because i needed to divert my attention to somebody else because he was leaving. i don’t know. i can’t remember when i started liking you. i just did. it’s like i enjoyed the idea that i learn a lot from you or that i can talk to you like i talk to Nathan or that i can talk to you period. you do seem to genuinely like me, i mean, it doesn’t have to be attraction, but simply the fact that you appreciate me for just being. i don't know how, or why, or what i did to deserve it. i'm pretty sure that if you knew me at all, that you wouldn't be, but you are. i get a total kick out of that. that’s how you got my attention: the conversations, the banter, the borderline flirting. you are such a tease. you fuck with my head. you said it yourself, the whole idea of wanting to have something but not really getting it and just when i think i've gotten you, i lose you again. (Link, did you get that last part?) i am that way, and i like it when i can chase something instead of having it being given to me. it’s human nature, i guess.

i hate the fact that you are so good to me that it might not even be real. i don’t want to read in too much to your being nice to me. i keep saying that, because it’s a trap. and i fell for it. you are too good to me for me to ever be mad at you, although just thinking about you gives me so much pain and confusion. it does. you have completely destroyed my equilibrium and i may never be the same way again. you have taught me that there are men who are capable of not being total asses (and yet, you are one!), that i really deserve to be taken cared of (although you didn’t – ha!), that i deserve to be told over and over again that i’m a good, no, great person when i am and that i should hear it. there i was, hanging to your every word, hanging on to you, for dear life. there i was, screaming for you to come to me, and not running away. all i wanted then was to have you leave. now i don’t want you to go, i can’t let you go.

there are days when i talk to you and you say things to me that i already know, yet i welcome the knowledge as if i'm hearing it for the first time. i already know these things, i just didn't know somebody else felt as strongly about them as i did. i never knew i could meet someone that sensible, that intellectual, that sensitive that's not a gay man. it's also human nature to want things, people that they know fully well they can't have.

"she let me throw up in between her legs and took care of me, if that's not romantic, i don't know what is . . ."

that's what you said. about me. too bad that doesn't cut it. it doesn't make you stay, neither does it make you mine. they're just words.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

i get it now, thank you

i didn't really get it at first. seriously. i was so slow i even had to ask her to explain to me again why. maybe it was a bit childish on my part. but i had to know why. so i asked. i really didn't know if i'd feel flattered or rejected, but i'm more inclined to flattered. again, without reading in too much to your being kind to me. because seriously, i just wanted you to return the favor. i just wanted to know you'd take care of me the way i'd take care of you. but you didn't. you said you respected me. she even explained that i mattered to you too much that you didn't want to be in a position where something would've happened and it would ruin our friendship. i actually didn't want to lose you that way either. so more flattered. just not sure it would be the same after.

i need more time with you. and you're losing time, precious time. we don't have time.

see, i told you not to be too good to me. now i can't let you go.


because you do matter to me, a lot, maybe a lot more than i should be treating you, maybe more than what i'm supposed to show. or allowed to show. or feel. i just didn't think i mattered that much. no one's ever done that to me, for me, or said it out loud enough for me to hear and realize that i deserve it. well, except Nathan. but i never had that kind of relationship with him. i was never attracted this way to him. you're like the Nathan i wanna keep, but can't have, not because of a legal issue (well, if your visa gets denied, it is) but because i'm too scared and you're too much of a risk to invest on. even if i know you're worth it. YOU ARE SO WORTH IT. i just can't afford to lose you if it doesn't work. and i'm afraid it won't work.

***
thank you for explaining to me. you surprise me again. you are sweet when i least expect you to be, hence, surprise!!! yes, it's true. i didn't like him that way before. i didn't open myself to the opportunity that i'd like him because you were leaving and i needed to forget you. i opened myself to the possibility of liking him more than i do you, to make it less painful when you go. to help myself but not in the way that i'd use him as a buffer for my pain when you leave. besides, he's leaving too.

the funny part was when you said, "akala ko ba ayaw mo sa kanya dati? ang gulo mo rin, ano?" like some jealous boyfriend. it was funny and amazing at the same time. i told you that he gave me something you didn't and the even funnier part about that whole conversation was when you needed to know what it was, like a jealous boyfriend. definitely not english.

i like him, love him, might even be more in love with him than i am with you now because, he talks to me. he shows me that he likes me, takes care of me, tells me he loves me and appreciates me even for the minute things that i do. ALL THE TIME. he doesn't even have to feel the same way about me. i don't need to have that kind of a heart attack. but yes, he does tell me he loves me, even if it's just lip service. but you. you always had difficulty telling me how you feel, in words. sure, you show me you like me, that you might love me as a friend, and that you care for me BUT YOU NEVER SAY ANYTHING. and i'm tired, so tired of not knowing where i stand or thinking about what it all means. i just need to hear you say it, say that you appreciate me, without me having to force it out of you. you don't have to love me back. i don't need you to feel the same way, because by then i'd be so scared that i'd run away. i just need to hear you say it. but you never do. and he does. and now i might just lose him the way i never had you.

that, is the complete opposite of Anna's Facebook status yesterday which she asked me to fix for her before the trip to Laoag: i need to find myself the way i found you.

funny how the world works.

Monday, July 19, 2010

things i want to do in Cebu before i die

i was so looking forward to this trip. i was virgin everything for this trip: first plane ride, first piss on the plane, first beer on the plane, first trip to cebu, first vacation in three years.

it has always been my fantasy to have the guy i like try to flirt with someone else and then when he's so passed out and fucking wasted, that he throws up in between my legs. really appealing. i bet it's on every woman's to-do list hands down. at least they manage to come back to you, right? hot and wet in between the legs. just not in the way you expect.

why wouldn't you take me to my room? why? i let you puke on my puke. i took off your shoes, tried desperately and failed to put you back to your bed just so you wouldn't wake up with your head on the toilet. i just let you sleep on your bathroom floor. you were so heavy i couldn't carry you. i could've stayed in the other bed just to make sure you woke up okay. and definitely, i respected you, didn't try to molest you in anyway. if that were somebody else, i would've jumped right on him. i know i wouldn't be able to get anything out of it at all, but just the thought of having to violate someone without them ever remembering it. i could've. i could've. BUT I DIDN'T. and you couldn't do the same for me but you took her to her room twice? darn, you took everybody else to their rooms but not me. WHY?

there's also being called off a person's island. well, no, the pool. then being thrown back into the pool. twice. with your shorts, shirt and your glasses on. mounting on and flying off, not falling off, a jet ski. and snorkeling - if you know how to smoke, you know how to snorkel. and burning your skin. badly. pole dancing with a drunk Canadian. getting bitten in the arm by another drunk Canadian. hitting the drunk Canadian in the head for biting you. teaching a Columbian-Canadian how to use a spoon or why you use one. stealing a lighter from a crowded bar. sipping a shot of Tequila from a bottle that's worth P4,500. using tomato juice as chaser. seeing a Canadian take his pants in front of a bonfire. standing in front of a bonfire. seeing a red starfish. seeing a blue starfish. seeing coral. having the bends. not saying the word WORK. not thinking about WORK. not WORKing.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

angry girl journal 07.10.2010

i'm getting too old for this shit.

remember that scene in the movie Ten Things I Hate About You where Katarina and Bianca go to this party? Kat sees her ex-boyfriend and it messes her up so bad that she tries to pretend to have fun at that party, even when she's not really into that thing anymore - the whole trying to please other people crap - she gets totally hammered, she started doing crazy things to make a fool out of herself.

i kinda did that today. the good thing about it is that i never really got to the part where i knock my head on the chandelier and (the late) Heath Ledger picks you up and takes you home. and after all that talk, he doesn't even kiss you. (nyahahaha) no, thank God, i stopped myself. thank God, my friend saved me from further humiliation, or whatever future hole i might have dug myself into. i didn't have to get to that part.

i feel miserable now but at least, i would like to think that i can still face the people at work on Monday.

again, that's what i'd like to think.

i don't really dance. i gyrate. or wiggle my hips. or rub my butt against somebody. i don't really know what i do. or did. i know because i don't really do that very often. but i know that if i kept on going on like that, i won't be able to respect myself. not that i'm being self-righteous or anything. i just don't think i'm cut out for this shit anymore. the whole trying to get someone's attention by making a fool out of himself. NO. i'm too old, too angry, too weird for that. pretty soon the real bels will come out and will revert back to her shell, stare at the wall or at the ceiling and just, time out.

like i said, i never liked crowds. not starting now.

it felt weird. intoxication is never an excuse to do stupid things and i wasn't even drunk. i knew exactly what i was doing. i was trying to get his attention. it even came to a point where i felt there was some sort of contest for this coveted attention. and i'm not like that. not anymore anyway.

was i ever? yeah, i was like that. i was younger and didn't know any better.

strange as it may seem, but if you like me, you will and you will notice me and see me and look at me from wherever you are and everybody else won't matter anymore. i don't have to try too hard. and i don't want to try too hard. i'm too old for that shit. YOU'RE too old for that shit too.

there is a limit to what you can do for the sake of "fun".

i remember before, when i was working for Nathan, i tried my best to try to avoid doing things that i know would embarrass him. or myself. where is that person?

yeah, where is that person? that person just couldn't wait to go to work, despite the stress and pile of things to do. it took me hours before i could leave the house.

bels is missing. shit. i had a lot of misses today. happy third year anniversary as an EA, bels.

bels has it together. bels doesn't do things to embarrass herself, especially when she's worked so hard to get other people to respect her for what she is and not just because she's the big boss' EA. bels doesn't try to impress a guy. she stalks him but she doesn't try so hard to impress a guy.

you and i are just friends. it would be wrong for me to read in to your being kind to me as wanting to be more than just friends. i shouldn't read into it to the point of making a fool out of myself. we are friends and i should let you do what makes you happy.

you said so yourself, jealousy ruins friendships.

and i thought it was sex. damn.

Friday, July 09, 2010

angry girl journal 07.08.2010

Sometimes I think the people I share a bathroom with at work are not women. Tsk. So filthy.

I am easily tired lately, because of the load I currently have at work. I don’t want to go about complaining again, but here I am, complaining. I’m such a whiner.

I hate the fact that I am unable to do the things that I need to do because there are people who can’t do their job properly in order for me to do mine and at the end of the day, it’s pretty convenient to blame bels. No, seriously, it is. Strangely enough, when a good job is done, or an even exceptional one at that, somebody else takes the credit.

I have never taken this long to drag myself out of bed, never taken this long to fix myself before going to work. I’ve never loathed going to work so much and to think that I hate taking vacations. More than anything, no matter how decapitated I am, I try my darnest best to go to work. I just don’t feel like going to anymore.

Nathan always says that it would be good for me to embrace change. And I am trying to. It’s just so frustrating, especially now at work. There’s so much bureaucracy going on right now there’s enough red tape to tie up everybody in a noose. Everything has to pass through so many channels and you get a roadblock on every turn. Nobody has all the answers and the ones who do only have a big fat “NO!” to give you.

***
I am not in a hurry to have a relationship. There are so many people around me who do. I don’t. I keep finding ways to get somebody’s attention, especially if they don’t want me but at the first sign of chemistry, I fold. I wither. I repel. I have so much love to give, I think. I want to fall in love and be loved. But I am afraid. I am scared shitless that if I do find that someone I’ll just fall short of their expectations (or they fall short of mine) and everything just crashes you regret the two of you ever crossed that line to begin with.

Mindfucker#1: I think we’ve already established how fond I am of you. I tell you a lot. I do. And you’re an ass. You only want to be friends but you keep on looking for me. You are always sweet to me and when I least expect it, you surprise me. Which figures since that’s what surprises are for. Namern. I have a pretty good way of hiding myself and not making my presence felt when I try hard enough. But you always, always manage to find me, like you have a tracker on me of some sort. And when you can’t find me, you text. Incessantly. You call. Incessantly. For someone who doesn’t want me back you text me a lot, when I don’t necessarily need a blow-by-blow account of your whereabouts. Hell, you text me more than you text your girlfriend. Hypocrite.

Mindfucker#2: You don’t want to have a relationship. Sure you don’t. You don’t like me that way but you’re giving me the idea that you like me to a certain degree. Or may you’re just that way to everybody else. Wait, if you keep on talking in sexual undertones, then maybe you do like me, at least, we can say that you’re thinking about me. You just don’t like me enough to want a relationship. Great. Wonderful. No wait, you do want a relationship. You want to be just friends. With benefits. So why didn’t anything happen? Is that all just talk? Maybe I just like you because you flirt back. All that banter is driving me nuts. I actually think I like you only because you reciprocate liking me, even if it’s just a friendly like. Maybe I'm reading your too-good-to-be-true crap too much. Tsk.

***
I believe there is a reason why people cross paths. You can learn something from them or they can learn something from you. Every time I meet someone I realize something about myself. If I don’t, I always hope that meeting me changed the other person in a way. Just like when people experience things, it’s always for a reason. Good or bad, it changes you, tries to make a different, hopefully, better person out of you. So we should always embrace the change, no matter how difficult it may be. The reason will present itself in time.

Maybe there are just people who are meant to be alone. Maybe I'm one of those people.

Monday, July 05, 2010

why do i feel like if i told her i would still end up being the bad guy?

lately, i have been on the receiving end of very negative comments about a friend and while i can go on defending her, i'm afraid what they accuse her of doing is actually true.

i've worked with her and have remained friends with her although i try to avoid hanging out with her as much as i can, and it's not even because of what people say about her. if anything, i pity the poor soul who has to defend me for the crazy things i do. anyway, i digress. i try to avoid her for fear of being bored because she has the tendency to talk about herself a lot: how great she is at work, how great she is in bed, how attractive she is to men younger than herself, how to do this and that. also, i hate it when she orders me around.

i have gotten by being with her by making her think that she can order me around when she can't. i try not being in situations where she can, which is why i don't attend her parties anymore. there have been so many instances where she's just drinking and i'm busy attending to her guests. and to think they have maids. they have maids. she's just gotten used to the idea of getting her way that she talks like that to everybody else. i should know. she used to treat me like one.

i believe that if you're doing a great job, you shouldn't call attention to yourself. you can also do great at your job without pissing off a lot of people because respect is not commanded, it is earned. people will give you the credit if it is due to you. no need to grandstand. and i know in my heart that she is great at what she does, which is why she tends to rub people the wrong way. it's just that that attitude has gone worse through the years.

there is no doubt that the population of straight single men has diminished over the years and we can see that population getting smaller and smaller. not only do you have to compete with girls younger, prettier and sexier than you are, you also have to compete with boys younger, prettier and sexier than you are. if there is a guy out there, i don't believe in competing for his attention (so i keep deluding myself) so neither should she. which is weird because i've liked a great number of guys and even though she knows, she still manages to assert herself. maybe not out of sheer desperation but maybe because she just likes to compete.

like i said, i've worked my way around her. i've learned how to say and not to say things that may offend her because i know i won't hear the end of it. that or she might not hear the things i want her to hear and i'd end up being the person with the attitude problem. i'm not as "conservative" as she is, i'm not as "perfect" and certainly not as beautiful.

if only she knew how beautiful she was she wouldn't be so mean to others. if only i could tell her. if only i know she would listen. i just have to face it. people get deaf and more stubborn when they get older.

Sunday, July 04, 2010

disclaimers: this could be the start of a very great friendship

normally, i would feel rejected. i like the guy. i'm not sure yet to what extent or degree, i just like being with him. and i got a soft "NO" so normally i would wallow in self-pity and i would be so devastated because it is a big blow to my self-esteem.

but i didn't. when i got home, i slept with really nice thoughts of really long interesting conversations with him. of course, there were fantasies of cuddling or kissing and hugging. but i don't feel bad. i don't feel like i should be sorry that nothing happened.

of course, when i say nothing happened, i mean, we didn't have sex. and i haven't been active in that scene in a while. so you would think that i'd be so into the idea and just jump on the first warm body that presents itself. i would've wanted to do it with him. it would be nice. but then conversations between him and i were too interesting that if the sex was bad, it would ruin everything.

pressure. hahahaha.

i think i've mentioned it here more than once that if i had established this great relationship with a male friend, i'd try not to ruin it by falling in love or having sex with him. let's add this guy to the list. i like him. with a passion. he would be every woman's fantasy. i know he is mine. he is intelligent, sweet, loving, responsible, damaged, not to mention he's as addicted to work as i am. and he's very attractive. he would be the guy that i would love to introduce to Nathan as my boyfriend so that Nathan can get off my back for being too addicted to work.

but i know he's not looking for a relationship. and i know that while i find myself pining over different people at different times, i know i'm scared shit that i might just screw a great thing before it even comes to fruition. i know that for a fact. for now, i like the part that we're starting to be great friends and we're both setting expectations that this is it. if there are benefits, fine; if there are none, i don't mind.

then again, accidents happen.