Tuesday, June 29, 2010

because sometimes bad timing isn't a good enough excuse

i miss Nathan. i miss being empowered. darn, i miss being bugged.

i've been losing interest in work ever since my itay Nathan left. i've been really stressed out lately. i feel like i've been doing too much work and not really being appreciated for it. seriously.

i've been wanting to take a break for a long time. i didn't take a break when i found out that Nathan was leaving because i wanted to spend as much time that i had left with him. i wanted to learn and be more developed as i could with the amount of time we had. and then i couldn't file a leave because my new boss' father died and we had clients coming in. and then i had to train for administrative work for this other program she's handling in the other site. they have different tools and systems that i have to learn to maneuver.

i'm pissed because i honestly thought the second trip was for business. she was only here 4 days and i didn't really feel her presence that much in those 4 remaining days before she left again. she always seems to be gone when we need approvals for this and that, when we have important clients for this and that. the first leave i could understand and not make an issue of. my dad died too. but the second leave? nothing wrong with staying a week more to settle everything before finally going out and leaving, especially if that trip was just personal.

damnit, i can't take personal days off without people hounding me with phone calls. and most definitely, i can't take personal days when i know i left several things hanging and people are relying on me to deliver. you can say that i'm addicted to work but maybe that's just me.

i keep telling Nathan, i keep bugging him that maybe i'm just used to the voice in my head. i'm just really into the idea that even if he's on vacation, he'd be involved and try to check on me, and on everyone just to see how things were. i got used to the idea that he would always be there, to develop me and encourage me to be and do great things. i got used to the idea that he is there to acknowledge that i am a contributing factor as to why everything in the site we handle is fabulous.

i want to give my new boss a chance to get to know me, to know the people who work in this wonderful site we have at work. i want to give her the chance to develop me and everybody else in this site who reports directly to her. i want to give her the chance to know what she missed out the first time - the business meetings, the client visits, the program launch, etc. a great boss can't really develop you into who you ought to be if she's never there when you need her. i don't want her to suffer in comparison to my old boss simply because nobody can match my old boss. my old boss rocks.

i'm not getting that from her. i can't say that about her i think she's an absentee boss.

why do i feel more infuriated than when i didn't talk to her about how pissed off i was?

for almost a year now, i have found myself detaching from a friend. now that i think about it, i really didn't like her before and i never really imagined myself hanging out with her. until early last year, when we went together for a friend's kid's baptism. we started talking and hanging out and she never stopped going to shaw ever since.

of course, it helps that i hung out with this guy she liked. i don't really want to think of her that way but it all made sense because after that guy left she disappeared. it also didn't help that she was stubborn and refused to believe that he had a girlfriend and he only wanted to take her to bed. she says that he's different when they're alone and when we're all together. sure, he's different. silly girl. i know i'll tell you what you want you want to hear just to get into your pants. and i hate it when people say that they don't run after the guy when they fully well do. if you're thick enough to do these things and follow the guy, despite your friends' objections, at least be thick enough to own it. damnit.

i run after my guys/gals. i seriously do. if stalking was strictly enforced here in the Philippines, i'd be put away for life for all of those creatures i followed maliciously. i make a serious effort to try to make the other person know how much i feel for them to the point that they will have no choice but to give in to me. of course, it fails but it does create some serious damage to their ego when i'm gone ("how come bels doesn't stalk me anymore?" or "why is bels following somebody else now?" or "is there something wrong with me?") because i know i'm not that attractive. sometimes stalking works, sometimes it doesn't. but i own up to it. she doesn't. apparently, the definition for the terms, "running after a boy" is relative. it has a different meaning for everyone else. what you could be doing is different from what she's doing. what you could be doing may be cute, others may require a restraining order.

i also don't like it when she insinuates that when a guy does this, it means something. of course, it does. it means exactly what it is. no other meaning but what it is. i hate that she will say that about a guy you particularly like or is confused about liking just so we can turn the conversation around and talk about her boys.

boys. i'm sick and tired of talking about boys. you love them, you hate them. you want to kill them. but i don't necessarily want to spend every waking second of my life talking about them. or hounding them. i think i've been doing a good enough job without them, being single all this time. of course, there are days when you just want to ponder about the meaning of life and what this boy wants from you, like if he's into you and such. but at the end of the day, if he really wants you, you and i wouldn't be spending the afternoon together talking about him, you would've been with him.

right?

i believe that there is an unwritten rule about dating among friends. it's so unwritten that i can't even quote it properly. but i do know, that if a friend likes the same guy i like, i do my best to stay away from that guy. no guy is ever worth fighting about and if a friend thinks that she can screw her friends and sacrifice a great friendship for a guy, then you can afford to lose that friend.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

should i stay or should i go?

i'm feeling really vulnerable right now. yes, you can also add confused.

it's bad enough that you're confused about staying or leaving. right now, i find myself thinking the same thing. and it's not even because i'm not happy anymore. i still am. well, i'm still happy with the people remaining after Nathan left. it's just that lately, i feel unappreciated. i don't know why. maybe because Nathan isn't there for me anymore, or as i'd like to call him, "the voice in my head" is gone. while my new boss is nice, she is not Nathan. my only consolation is that, i look forward to learning things from her, that she might be as nice, and that i may have better opportunities with her, like the opportunities Nathan gave me.

but she's not around. call it bad timing, i just really wished she was here, when all the clients show up, and all the Corporate visitors for her to meet. i have no direction whatsoever and i seem to be doing to everything for everyone else. it doesn't really matter to me how wonderful or how great a person is. nothing can ever bring back those moments anymore if you weren't here. needless to say, while i can very much work on my own, i don't really like working for an absentee boss.

sometimes i just want to take a leave of absence, keep everyone hanging as to when i'm coming back. not because i'm like that, but because by nature i'm not, so i feel like everyone's taking me for granted. i don't get appreciated the way i should be and i feel like everyone's relying on me too much to do everything for them. and like i said, back then, it didn't matter to me how stressed i was. i was working for Nathan and that was enough.

it would be nice if you left. that way i can focus more on my work and not to think about taking care of you all the time and i can start trying to forget you. i don't really want to base my decision of leaving or staying on you. but it would seem okay if one of us was gone, because i'm sick and tired of being associated with you and it would be a great lesson in humility for you if i wasn't there to cover your back all the time.

i also want to be doing something else. i don't want to be doing somebody else's report for them for the rest of my life. i want to be the one giving the orders for a change. i know i can do that, i am perfectly capable of that. Nathan believed i could. now that he's gone, i find me second-guessing myself.

i don't want to go either just because everybody else is. but then, the changes are becoming too much to bear that you just want to follow their footsteps, just for the sake of saying you all are still together. because apart from Nathan being gone, if each and everyone of your friends, the ones that make you feel that work isn't like work are gone, you just want to give up.

i really want to see if there's a world out there other than me fixing somebody else's receipts or consolidating other people's reports. i want to know at least if i'm marketable doing something else. i just want to do something else. that, or take a break.

i need an effing break.

i don't want to flirt with him just so i can forget you

you never said you liked me. well, you like me as a friend, we know that. but while i'm very vocal about my feelings for you, i don't think i'm getting anywhere.

so now there's this gentleman i've been growing very fond of. he's very sweet, attractive, intelligent and he and i have a lot of banter. we just tease each other all the time. i know there's nothing there.

i'm not sure if i'm attracted to him yet. i mean, i'm not sure if i see him that way. i just know that i like the way he makes my self-esteem feel. see, i don't get that from you. you are basically an ass and it doesn't help me that you are. everytime i'm with you, while i feel elated, i can't help but feel the blow my ego takes. you take me for granted, you use me, you're sweet to me, you're vague.

i don't need vague.

i like him. i like him very much. i see myself with him (although i doubt if the feeling is mutual) a lot lately but i don't want to use him as a scapegoat just because you don't feel the same way about me. i just want to be over you.