Sunday, May 16, 2010

i wrote these? seriously?

seeing how insecure i am right now with the merger and my "dad" leaving me, i've started updating my resume and shopping for opportunities outside of my current company. as i was doing that, i unearthed some poems i wrote when i was still in college. i can't really describe how i feel about them now, only that i am surprised finding out about them again. i don't get to write that much now and i get really overwhelmed when i do. i love the feeling it brings.

Bunga

Naglahong pangarap
Sa mundo ng realidad
Hindi magawang labanan ng murang isipan
O ng mahinang katawan
Mistulang bihag ng kasakiman at kawalang-bahala
Sanhi ba ako ng init o panandaliang aliw na nais mong iraos?
May buhay na rin ako
Kahit tuldok pa lamang

***

Chopsuey

Isa-isa kaming nahulog sa apoy
Walang malay, walang laban

Sunud-sunuran sa hampas ng iyong kamay
Paikot-ikot, walang direksyon

Wala kang patawad.

Hindi ka pa nakuntento
Binuhusan ng asin ang aming sugat
Habang lumalangoy sa kumukulong mantika

Hindi ka na naawa

Masira sana ang tiyan mo!


***

bonsai

Akala ko
Pwede kitang ikulong sa isang hawla
Upang doo’y palakihin at palaguin

Diniligan kita ng luha
Sa paniniwalang yaon ang kailangan mo
Ngunit pinagkaitan kita ng sinag ng araw

Di ka pala tutubo sa ganoong paraan
Malalanta, mawawalan ng silbi

Hindi pala maaaring pagtagpuin ang ating mundo

***

bonsai 2

Sa gunita lamang
Palalaguin ang alaala ng lumipas

Doon na lamang itatago ang sakit
Tamis na may halong pait
At pagsintang bunga ng maling akala

Pilit mang diligan ng luha
Di na maaaring buhayin pa ang
Pagsuyong malaon nang nalanta

Wala na itong silbi
Tanggap ko nang may mga mundong
Sadyang pinaglayo


***

i wasn't great at numbers so i guess i wanted to be part of that group of exceptionally gifted people in terms of words. they were talented, i hung around them a lot, hence, their brilliance rubbed off on me. or was it the other way around? needless to say, it was beneficial to both parties. i realized and felt my need to belong to a group, my urges to write were satisfied and i met extraordinary people who have been my friends ever since.

this one i wrote when my mother died. i want to write that way again. i guess law school and call centers do have a lot more things in common aside from the late hours, drinking and smoking and stress. both of them also kill your creativity.

Post meridium (052997)

This is the hour you passed
When the sunrise has lost its meaning
And the beauty of its set
Was even more senseless

This is the hour I wept
When the child you used to hold
Forever trapped in the haunting scene
Never to recover from her loss

A painful demise
Eternally stored in memory

This is the hour, Mama
Your image slowly fades
As I await the dying of the second
Tears fell
And lulled me back to sleep

Wednesday, May 05, 2010

feels like losing a dad all over again

he texted me about taking me out for dinner. said he had to talk to me about something. it felt weird because we never really get to spend that much time together anymore. we still do, but not as much as we used to because Jonathan is around. and he's always in his meetings. so my first question when i read his text was, "am i in trouble?" and he responded jokingly by saying that you don't take people out to dinner if they were in trouble. which makes total sense because you don't really reward someone with a free meal if they screwed up or something. unless it was their last supper.

so he and i went out and he asked me how i was. we even had to move the meeting a little later than planned since he had other meetings to attend to. too many conference calls. i miss talking to him like that. like he and i were the only people in the room. he does that all the time. to everyone. you really feel special when you're with him, whether you're his equal, his subordinate or superior. he is very down to earth. i've always admired him because of that. he is the ultimate people person. i never was attracted to him, not that way anyway. we always joked about how i love this job and that, while he's attractive, i never got this gig so i could date him. when i first said that, he didn't know if he was going to be insulted or flattered.

he has always been more like a father to me. no disrespect for my dead dad, but that's how i had always felt with him. i felt safe. i felt secure. i felt empowered. when i'm with him i feel like i could do anything. say anything. be anything. with responsibilities, of course. but he had so much belief in me that i had the confidence. i could do things i never thought i would be able to do. he knew me. he thought i was special. he was my friend. my older brother. my dad. he was my boss, yes, but he considered me his equal. he valued my opinions and considered my ideas, if they were feasible. he had faith in me, especially when i didn't believe in myself.

then he segues how about how he's always been honest with me and how could never lie to me. then he tells me he is leaving. not in my life, of course. he will always be there for me. and i will always have him to lean on. but he won't always be there physically. because there's better opportunity outside of our beloved company, he decided to leave. and i always thought that i would go first.

he said that he made sure the new company knew my worth and what a valuable asset i would be and that it would be great if i were under a new boss because i would learn more things, probably have better opportunities than the ones he'd already given me. and i know he couldn't bring me along. my itay, always the more upright, responsible one. taking me would be piracy.

the worst part is, i couldn't tell anyone about it. i couldn't even write here about it. i couldn't vent. i could talk to him. but mostly, i was left to just carry it with me until it was okay to talk about it. after all, part of the job description was to keep confidential those things that should be private until it's finally okay to tell them to everybody else.

he even said, "don't be upset, be angry". see, i never really got that when it was featured in ally mcbeal. they say you move on much quicker, you forget much quicker when you're mad at the person than when you love them. when you love, you hold on and find it much harder to move forward because you're still clinging to them for dear life.

i love Nathan. i love him to pieces. i can't really describe my relationship with my boss without raising any eyebrows. working for and with someone for three years, through cancer, through really bad rumors, through programs ending their contracts, through deaths in the family, he had become my work, my family, my life. it would take a lot out of me to work without him. that may be exaggerating but that's how he is to me. i've been so used to him always being there and for him to leave like that and not be there when i need to bug him will be hard at first. who am i kidding? it will be hard all the time. because whenever i get stressed out with all that i am doing for everybody else, i only have to remember how much i love him and how much my working for him has helped me as a person.

i will be mourning until may 14. i will still be mourning after. even if he's just a text away.

Tuesday, May 04, 2010

why i missed the tears for fears concert here in manila

i love Tears for Fears. i wanted so much to watch the show. the Araneta Coliseum was just an fx ride away from where i live. i even accompanied Nathan to help get tickets for him and his wife and yet, i couldn't go.

i could afford the tickets, seriously. i could've gotten the seats near the stage if i wanted to. i just didn't feel comfortable. i mean, i'm sure the show would be worth every single cent i would've spent on it. what with the celebrity on stage and in the audience. i'm pretty sure that everyone important i know or want to know in the Philippine music scene was there. but i didn't go.

i don't like going out on sundays. more often not, my saturdays are spent out, with my friends, whether it's after shift or in the evening, so i make sure i don't go out on sunday. that's bels' day. that's the day i wash my clothes, clean the house, cook food, watch tv, visit the cemetery, etc. etc. ad infinitum. everything me. if i just wanted to lock myself incommunicado i can do that. of course, i'm still available through text, just so my well-meaning friends would know i'm still alive. if it were near the area, i'd go. out. but if i knew it was a total waste of my time, effort, money, i'd rather stay in the house.

so why in heaven's name did i not go watch the tears for fears concert? it wouldn't be a total waste of my time, effort or money. seriously.

i'm also ochlophobic. (what?) i googled that word. i made sure if there was a fear that i had of being surrounded by too many people, that was it. that is it. i don't like big crowds. i don't like stampedes. sometimes, i don't even like being with a bunch of people i know if i know i will get bored into a coma eventually and stranggle them just to get out of it. that's why i'm more into the little pubs and bars where the band's just right in front of you when they perform. as long as i know where the ingress and egress is and it's easy to escape, i can go in and out as i please, that's where i'll hang out. i mean, maybe i grew out of the whole big stadium experience as far as rock concerts is concerned. my slam dancing, moshpitting days are over. i'm too old for that. no, wait, even when i was younger, i never really liked the idea of somebody else's sweat around me in a concert.

gaaad, tears for fears. one of my favorite bands of all time. guess i'll just have to wallow in tears for my fears.