Friday, December 31, 2010

tempting, but no.

i actually really liked you at first. you are one of the few people worth looking at when i first moved to this site. because there are only a few of you and the few who can actually carry a conversation are either TAKEN, GAY or simply NOT INTERESTED. you were under the first category, the kind that was legally binding at that, so i lost all interest. still, it doesn't change the fact that you are pretty to look at. and you're very interesting. i like talking to you. you're pretty witty and to some degree you get me.

i never really realized how much you could get me until we started working together, like interaction and actual conversations. it wasn't much and i didn't really expect much from it. i just enjoy working and talking to you. nothing special.

i would say this whole "thing" started after the company year-end celebration. you found my introduction to the site performance very amusing, to say the least and i have to admit, i was very flattered. you put a smile to my face that day. really. it was a group performance and each and every one of us did their best to make it a great one but somehow you only noticed me. maybe because i was the only one drunk and crazy enough to kneel and spread her legs (hooch, as a friend described) in front of the whole company population. you said i outshone everyone (even the ones who were thinner than i was? - have your eyes checked, dude) and this was the one that really got to me, the trap:

"kung meron like button sa ulo mo nung performance . . . dami na siguro nag-like"*

you even changed your status in IM just to flatter me. you said you were glad you made me smile, because i look prettier when i smile. right. i thought that was really really sweet of you and God, if you were only single, i would have jumped on you that day. damnit, you flattered me so much i feel like i don't deserve it. i know i sing good, yes, but you were using the adjectives, "HOT" and "SEXY" to describe me, which have no direct relation to my singing prowess whatsoever.

while planning for that introductory number, all the drinking affected how we approached the song, how we were going to present it, and the costume that we will wear while performing it. i think we all agreed that if not one of us got laid that night after the performance, then it just meant to show how much we love this company.

it's amazing what a Santa suit, fishnet stockings and a pair of "fuck me" boots can do for you.

i'm a big flirt. apparently, you're a naughty boy yourself. damn.

now there's this sudden pressure to clean the house because i never know if somebody just might come over to be violated. i don't understand.

i can bite anywhere? do you even bite back? why the fuck would you want to be bitten, and by, of all people, me? again, have you had your eyes checked lately? while i don't consider getting married, i respect people who are married. unless they want to be violated. in which case, i make sure i slap them silly for them to get back to their senses. i just make sure not to slap too hard because they, uh, just might enjoy it?

i'm a rebel, i'm pretty stubborn. i don't follow too many rules, but those few rules, i make sure i follow. rules for this scenario are: ONE, you don't flirt with married men and, TWO, you don't shit in your backyard.

THREE would be, you don't shit with the married men in your fucking backyard, no matter how cute or smart they are.

i would've loved to bite you. anywhere. i would've loved for you to crash over at my house and let yourself be violated by me and vice versa because i do want some of that. damnit, i just want to get some, period. but you and i can't. just the idea of you and i talking this way, it's exciting. i enjoy it immensely but we can't. this is pathetic, i know. this is all very tempting, but NO.

*if there was a "Like" button in your head, a lot of people would've hit "Like"

Monday, December 27, 2010

angry girl journal 12.24.2010

I do get days when I feel lonely and I pity myself. It’s not just because I don’t have a relationship right now. It’s because if not for my friends who look out for me, I would be totally alone. It is common knowledge that I am not that close to my relatives. I mean, I try to maintain ties with them but given a chance to be with other people, I’d be with other people. I’m just overwhelmed at the number of people who invited me over for Christmas and I feel bad to have to turn them down because I’d rather be at work. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate each and every one who has been good to me, even before my Dad died. I have never felt so loved in my entire life. I totally am grateful to friends who are more like family to me.

I want to start my own tradition, and not have to be in someone else's house because I don't have anyone for the Holidays. I would also like to someday take "work" off the options. It's not nice, it's pathetic, to be at work over the holidays. Sure, you get paid more than normal days, but what what kind of life would you have?

I wish to not feel lonely because there are days like that. I do get days like that. I am used to being alone. I don't mind being alone. Sometimes, people just have a way of shoving it in your face that you are but that doesn't mean it's going to ruin it for me.

Happy holidays.

i respect its sanctity, but it's not for me

can i be really honest and say i hate weddings? this is after i agreed to attend two weddings, one tomorrow and another the day after that. i don't know why but i do know that it's not because nobody's asked me to marry them. i just don't see myself tying the noose, err, knot.

for starters, there's this insane pressure to get married even when there's no real connection between the people getting married. i'm not saying the people whose weddings i'm going to felt that, which is why they're getting married, i'm just talking about marriage in general. i mean, do people really need to validate their relationship with a piece of paper only to spend more money trying to nullify it six months to a year later? do people really have to get married just because they have kids together?

then there's i hate that sex becomes an obligation, because of the need to procreate rather than something that makes the partnership more worthwhile and stable. in this country, it is forever, you know. regardless of the fact that 90% of the time, they've lost all affection for the other person during their first six months. that's too many toothpaste tubes not pressed at the right end and closed properly. then there's the cheating. you cheat more when you're married than you do when you're single. something/someone was stupid enough to marry you, you must be hot, therefore, you must be sought after. or, you have the license to flirt with people. how many married men have flirted with me? these were men who swore in front of God, the law, and several witnesses that they were going to stick with this woman for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, for better or for worse, until death sets them apart.  so why do these married men want to stick their tumescent members into my business???

then there's the part that not all of us can enjoy the same benefit.  i've known some gay and lesbian couples whose time together are longer than what most straight couples have, and yet, they cannot get married.  they're not protected by Philippine laws.  if we cannot all be allowed to put our loved ones into that space person to notify in case of emergency space, then that piece of paper they call a marriage contract, is useless.

the first sentence of Article 1 of the Family Code states, "Marriage is a special contract of permanent union between a man and a woman entered into in accordance with law for the establishment of conjugal and family life. "  there is more than one kind of family.  i had married parents but it didn't feel like it.  maybe i'll change my mind tomorrow.  we'll never know.  but until then, this is my stand. 

Saturday, December 25, 2010



i stopped watching Filipino movies a long time ago. i can't remember when i last watched a local film (not counting two movies i watched on account of me losing my friends - blackmail is a terrible thing) and unless it's an independent film i would find really interesting, i rarely go. it's the mush and commercialism that i avoid. people don't make any good movies anymore, locally, that is. so i shun from the movie theaters completely when the Manila film festival starts.

kudos to Albert Martinez for a great film.

The movie Rosario is based on the life of the grandmother of Manny V. Pangilinan. her life started out to be promising: daughter of a haciendero, studied in New York, she had her whole life ahead of her until she fell in love with the administrator of her father's estate. of course, being the only daughter, they wanted better for her. at the time, you either studied in Paris, Spain or the Americas or stay in the convent, which was either an honor for families who wish to serve God or punishment for their loose daughters. Rosario eloped with Vicente, had kids and lived a happy life with her family even though she was cursed and shunned by her parents. when her husband gets sick with tuberculosis, she starts working to help provide for her family but she ends up cheating with her cousin's boyfriend. it was a hot scene, actually. also, back in the day, if you cheat and are caught, you get divorced and shipped off to Hong Kong. cool, right? so she and her paramour have a kid and stay in the HK for a while before going back to Manila where they try living again, but with not much luck. she takes in laundry for the other tenants in the building and the guy leaves her. the landlord's nephew has a crush on her but doesn't really make his move, except for the occasional laundry and invites to go to a music recital (where her first daughter plays and she eventually finds out that after her divorce, her ex-husband and cousin hook up) and receives her rent. however, the landlord, who also digs her and doesn't make her aware that somebody else is paying her rent, takes advantage of the fact that she doesn't know her rent's been paid for. he tells her that the only solution is to, well, sleep with him and she does. landlord's nephew finds out and almost beats his own uncle to death. Rosario and her child decide to leave, never come back.

there had been talk before this film that the actress who plays the main role, Jennilyn Mercado, won't be able to pull it off. but the lady can act, very remarkably so, too.  she held her own, with a whole cast of big name stars supporting her and Albert Martinez, as director. plus, the cinematography is amazing. every drop of sweat, every breath of smoke, inhaled, exhaled, you can feel it, you can see it. and i don't even know a thing about film making, but as a spectator, i was blown away.

the movie also brings me back to those times when we didn't have TV or the internet and people were focused on learning to read and write poetry, learning to read and write music, the arts. when you woo someone, you wrote good old-fashioned love letters and going out on clandestine trysts were more exciting then because you can hide. nowadays, kids do it anywhere without any fear or shame that they may offend anyone. kids respected their parents then, and even when they did disobey their parents, they (we) felt remorse and the urge to prove themselves in order to return to their parents as better people. while they were stubborn, they had conscience. kids these days are just stubborn period. they don't think of consequences. those were simpler times.

if you're out to see a movie this Christmas season and you're not really that crazy about any of the other films in the festival, you can see Rosario for depth.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

not as awkward as i imagined it to be

like i have said here before, i have been contemplating about asking M out. her face has come up in Facebook so many times that i was tempted to add her. or message her, at least, to ask her out. now that i have, i wonder why i didn't try before. took me seven years.

after the Shaw OMD party, i went over to our organization's party in order to make an appearance. we ended up being among the last ones left and it was still relatively early so i asked her if she wanted to go out and have coffee. she obliged.

i told her that i have been wanting to ask her out but i was worried that i may offend somebody by doing so and i never really knew how to ask or how she would react if i did. she also pictured our first actual conversation together to be awkward but like me, she was also glad that it's not THAT awkward. i am even afraid to admit i had fun. she is still very engaging to talk to. sure, she's still a pompous ass (actually, more arrogant now than before and she owns up to this) and loud and like me, aside from the strong personality, has a tendency to overly assert herself, but i wasn't bored. some part of me didn't even want it to end. but she was tired and had no sleep at all for the last three days (wuss! 3 days. tsk. try a whole week. how about two weeks? LOL) so we decided to call it a day. she even took me home. oh my M (yes, yes, ex), always a gentleman.

like me, she lives alone, although her new girlfriend (i know not because i keep tabs but because people have a tendency to give me information i don't need) drops by the house every now and then. she asked me how it is for me, living alone and how i get by. i wasn't going to lie and say it's been swell but at the same time,i didn't really want her to gloat. i told her, i have people who look out for me and that i have been very busy with work. of course i could be happier. but everybody else feels the same way so i am no different from anybody else. i just happen to live alone. and while she has family she only comes home to once a year, i have practically no one. i was glad that she asked and that she still seemed to care. that meant a lot to me. i am truly relieved that we are able to talk to each other now, after all these years. i am glad that she and i were able to communicate better than we have before.

time does heal all wounds.

*M, i doubt if you ever have the patience to read this, but it's not that i don't want to add you in Facebook, there's just no option to do so. at alam mong hindi ako namimilit ng ayaw. i'm good knowing you and i are good. finally.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

the third Narnia is better seen on 3D - Caspian looks so much cuter

if not for the movies, i wouldn't find out that the Chronicles of Narnia were, just like Harry Potter and the Lord of the Rings, a set of books which were brought to life through film. i never got to see the first two on the big screen but thanks to my neighbor's cable, i got to see them. after a really tiring two weeks, i spent the Sunday after the year-end celebration watching The Voyage of the Dawn Treader with Mark, Luzille and Jayson. we needed the break.

so the movie starts with Peter and Susan both in America while Edward and Lucy have to stay with their relatives and their bratty cousin, Eustace. their cousin wrote in his diary everyday and was such a brat. all he did was complain and he didn't believe in Narnia no matter how much proof he got. he eventually came around and believed in Narnia.

after he became a dragon.

he was more useful a dragon, or in his words upon realizing this, that he did more good as a dragon than he was being human. of course, it took a sword fight with Reepicheep and the whole turning into a dragon part before he came to that realization. it also helped that Aslan turned him back into a kid, otherwise, Lucy and Edward had a lot of explaining to do.

i swear, Prince Caspian is so cute. there was some sort of power struggle between him and Edward, whom, i must say, has grown and become equally attractive. you don't rush growing up. you don't command respect. pride has a way of destroying people and both Caspian and Edward learned this the hard way during the course of their travel together. it required from both of them strength and heart since the evil has a way of knowing their darkest desires and capitalizing on it in order for them not to succeed in their goal. they were tempted, their faith put to the test, but thanks to Lucy, they got over it.


one of the things i learned in the movie, which i already know, but needed the movie in order to remind me of it is that when you try to be somebody you are not, you change the natural order of things. Lucy had no confidence in herself and wanted so much to be like Susan so that Caspian would like her. she found a book of incantations and got the one where she wished herself away by being Susan. because she became Susan, there would be no Narnia because Lucy was the one who found Narnia. same as, if i wished to change myself and be someone else i'm not, then i wouldn't be bels. sure, bels isn't as cool as a lot of people would like and she's not exactly the easiest person to get along with. but that's how she is and while she has her own way of doing certain things, there are things, people, who wouldn't be complete without bels in their lives.

anyway, i digress. the movie is so good that i am tempted to buy the books but i opt to wait, just as i am waiting for all the Harry Potter movies to be shown. the books are much cheaper that way.

another lesson worth learning from this movie is that size does not matter. each and every one of us has a part to play and Reepicheep is a great example that we all contribute to making this society a better place. what he lacked in size, he made up for his wisdom and bravery and he was such a great companion to Eustace, especially during his dragon days. he was patient and he taught the boy some valuable lessons before he finally left for Aslan's country.

and finally, Caspian, because he looks cuter than he already is on 3D: he had the option to see his father. but then, if he did, he would have to turn his back on his kingdom and all that his father fought for. Caspian learned to believe in himself and in his people. he realized that he would meet his father eventually, but that there would still be much to do to keep the peace in Narnia. seeing his father again would have to wait.

i miss my father too. sometimes. he probably thought i was a failure when he died but i am trying, still trying, to do things that will make him proud of me. just like Caspian.

technicalities only mean one thing: WE WON.

i'm not being bitter here. i am seriously proud of the team that Anna and I set up. for the last two weeks, she and i have been working and going home just to bathe and go back to work again because we have been overseeing the practice of the band and the dancers for our joint business units' Christmas party performance.

it was the most tiring last two weeks but it was the most fun i have had lately. being in the band again, performing again. taking care of "kids" again. i would do it all over. seriously. Anna and i got so much support from all of our friends that we owe it to them to do good. and we did great. if not for the "overtime", i had a pretty good feeling that we won. and in my heart, we did.

i was telling the dancers and the band members, because we got rock as a genre, which i did not consciously pick, that it didn't matter to me if we lose. i kinda knew that was going to be the impression, seeing that everybody knows i'm a big rock fanatic, that i picked it. but i got that from drawing lots, fair and square. i picked out that we would be the last to perform. it would be hard to pull off considering there are sooo many rock songs to choose from and it would be very difficult to put dance steps on them.

of course, there were obstacles along the way. i have known about this competition for a while but we never really got the opportunity to pick out the team members until late November. we never really got to practice with them until the beginning of December since they were, uh, "distracted" and i didn't get the support i needed from Operations the way i had hoped i would. we didn't get direction until the week building up for that big day. but that's all over now. it's done. water under the bridge. we did it. WE DID IT. we showed everyone that we are a strong force to be reckoned with. there has been so much hype for the other genres that i felt i had to tell them about how hard our team has been working and how difficult it was to get everything together but WE MADE IT.

it has been disappointing that there have been so many changes occurring in the company but that was the one solid thing that Anna and i had going for us. with the help of our friends, Mark, Jayson and Blade, and the now stronger support from the Management team, our team had more confidence in themselves. as the judges remarked, we had the strongest support from the management team and we looked like we had the most fun. we looked like we had fun because it was real: WE HAD FUN. WE LOVED WHAT WE WERE DOING. even the crowd had fun with us.

i may not agree with what the judges' verdict was but i believe in my heart that we did our best, that our Creator was with us that day and He blessed all of us to give a great performance. i won because i have found new friends and family and our team feels the same way. we told them that it didn't matter as long as we had fun, that we gave a kick-ass performance. and we did. we did good.

until next year. =)


after the performance, when my crush went down the stage, he hugged me. it was really nice that he did. he came out of nowhere and it wasn't solicited. he just hugged me. that's how i knew, apart from all the help i got, that Anna and i got from our friends, that they appreciated us, what we did for them and the relationships, the friendships, that were formed these last two weeks. i will never forget that.

that, and the song i sang keeps wringing in my ear. i just hope there aren't too many pictures. tsk.

Monday, December 06, 2010

see no evil, buy no evil

if retail therapy means what i think it means, i just gave in to it.

come payday, i try my best to avoid my obvious temptations: record bar, bookstore. i still have a lot of books on my shelves that i haven't gotten to open yet and there are just too many cds to listen to on your free day. food isn't necessarily in that category considering no matter how i say i need to lose weight, i do need to sustain myself in order to do the tons of things in my to-do list.

it's not really like me to buy clothes and shoes and bags. not really that type. i mean, i try. i recently am trying to improve in that department, even working with some light make up on. it was only after my dad died that i realized that i can actually afford to buy branded clothes and other stuff for myself. but i try not to buy too much. we don't really want to spend it all on trivial stuff.

so i was at this store where my boss and my other colleagues bought some shoes for our company Christmas party performance. the store's name was suggestive that you can pay less for designer bags, shoes and accessories; the principle being that if you will pay less, you have the tendency to buy more. makes sense, right?

i wasn't really that depressed that i gave in to the temptation of buying another pair of shoes other than the pair i was supposed to get for the performance. i am actually more inclined to eat or smoke more when i'm depressed. or write.

but those shoes looked really good! i couldn't resist the urge of getting them.

hopefully i wouldn't be as weak the next time. it's weird how you have so much money and not think of anything good to buy; but then not have the resources when you see something you like. i would like to think my emotional quotient is high that way. i can resist the urge to buy stuff i don't need and even when i do have the money and like what's in front of me, to still sleep on it and come back the next day.

it's a good thing a guy cannot be bought. i can't afford the one i want anyway. too many bidders. and i don't have Canadian money.

Wednesday, December 01, 2010


i first heard this song live at Route 196. i've always been a fan of the band, even back when Zach and Myrene were still NU107 DJs and i have all of their albums. well, all, except the one where this song came from. not yet anyway. they have the deepest lyrics, the sweetest yet most painful emotions put into melody. they make really nice videos too. i especially like their Tagalog songs. each member of the band is friendly, even the ones who session with them :)

***Nix Puno is so hot - i just have to say*** (sigh)

hopefully, when time permits i can watch their gigs again. i've always wanted to sing with Aia. and no, i still can't tell Zach i'm a policewoman now, because i'm not. still a "call (center) girl". tsk.

Huling Yakap Ng Mundo

Naranasan mo na bang
Gumising na kailangang
Gapangin ang gulo

Lungkot na 'yong dala
Tila sumpa
Mabigat pa sa iyo

Ihahatid kita
Sa dulo ng pangakong
Sisirain mo

Maiiwanan mong nakakapit
Maiiwanan mong pinipilit agawin
Ang huling yakap ng mundo

Matagal ko nang lulan
Ang iyong pagaalangan
At muli kang bibitaw

Marami kang gusto
Kasama ba ako
Sa puwang sa buhay mo

Itatawid kita
Sa dulo ng pangakong
Babasagin mo

Maiiwanan mong nakakapit
Maiiwanan mong pinipilit agawin
Ang huling yakap ng mundo

Oh oh ah oh ah
Oh oh ah oh ah ahh

Maiiwanan mong nakakapit
Maiiwanan mong pinipilit
Maiiwanan mong nakakapit
Maiiwanan mong pinipilit agawin
Ang huling yakap ng mundo

Saturday, November 27, 2010

just really glad i have friends

I have often wondered why I have the friends that I have. Seriously. they're crazy, they're weird. I just happen to be weirder. me attitude problem kaya ako.

I have the most wonderful friends. In my thirty-three years of existence, I have had the privilege of meeting wonderful, remarkable people whom I run to for comfort, for guidance, for strength, for an audience or what-not. I even said at the time, when I was so pissed off with my Dad (God rest his soul) that my friends may not help me kill him (for people reading, hearing, this for the first time, I was THAT pissed off with my Dad), but they will help me hide his body. Yes, there was this unwritten rule at the time that all my friends signed off on to be accomplices and accessories to murder. Seriously, I felt especially loved when so many people came to my father’s wake and expressed their concern in case I needed anything. And now that I’m living alone, I feel it more than ever.

By the way, my friends and I have sealed the deal that I will spend a month each at their house, when I grow old and weary and poor and alone. And when I do die, the song playing on my hearse on the way to my funeral is my version of Evanescence's Bring Me to Life.

Anyway, I digress. I am a very difficult person to live with. I know this for a fact. You either love me or hate me. It takes a person with loads of patience to be my friend. No wonder I’m still single. My friends know I’m stubborn, I’m angry all the time and as one friend commented, I can be pretty self-absorbed, or I could be a handful, as another friend said. I do things a certain way and if you didn’t have the chutzpah, I don’t think you can catch up.

I remember before, when a few of my friends decided to separate themselves from me. Years later I get letters, messages about how they didn't understand me at the time all that shit was happening to me but they realize now that back then, I didn't really have the best options to turn my life around. It's bad when people don't understand you, but it's worse when your own friends can't and that hurt. Then. Now, it's just something you can talk about over coffee.

There are days when I'D separate MYSELF from my friends, because I feel the need to be alone and do my own thing and they get it, totally. We've all learned to respect each other's quirkiness. Bitchiness. I can be an ass, I can make an ass out of myself the same way they can be asses, and make asses of themselves (gives me reason to say, "I told you so," for a change) for even the lamest reasons. After all, birds of the same feather think alike, right?

When I'm with them, I know that there's some higher presence in my life; that Someone Out There is watching over me. I have said here before that God brings people to your life for a reason, either for your sake or theirs, that you may learn from each other and change each other’s lives. And since I’m not close to whatever family I have left, they are the manifestations of God at work in my life. They keep me grounded, they keep me sane, they keep me motivated. They give me a reason to smile. They give me a reason to make a better person out of myself. Sometimes it pains me that they have to come to my defense whenever there are people who don’t take the time enough to know how wonderful I am and I can be. It also pains me that I have this great tendency to hurt them when I can help it. I have this constant fear that I might just push them away when I need them more. I don’t know what they see in me, but I must be special, otherwise, they wouldn’t have stayed in my life for so long. I can’t even stand me.

I'm not the greatest friend. I don't make the best life choices. I am not the most likeable creature in the planet, but the friends I have, I am very glad to say, have seen me through the best and the worst of times and I would never trade them for anything in the world. They're difficult, they can be a pain, the same way I am difficult and I am a pain. But I am just so happy I have them :)

mother, mother

i've been getting a lot of opportunities to bond with my new boss and i am happy that i do.

i would be the first to admit that part of the initial awkwardness between me and my boss is my resistance to change. i was still hung over from my former boss leaving and there were a lot of things i tried to look for in her because he was that way with me. i was awkward around her and even felt insecure about my position. while she was very nice to me (she still is), i felt at the time that something was lacking, not really thinking that for a good relationship to work, whether it is a friendship, a romantic relationship or a working relationship, there has to be some effort from both parties. and i didn't think about exerting effort at the time, i was just too busy with the getting envious that i didn't bother to reach out. i was busy competing with other people, too busy listening to other people, too busy comparing the old boss with the new one that i didn't realize that regardless of who you're working for, if you're really good and dedicated to your work, it shouldn't matter. and that if i wanted to create a conducive working environment, a smooth relationship with her, i had to start with me.

i did verbalize my feelings to her and she seemed to be genuinely concerned about me, which i appreciated. i still do. every new day that i work with her, i learn something about her, whether it's related to her work ethic or her personal life, i appreciate because i can see an eagerness in her to find out about me too. i can feel that she is amused with me, to say the least. she is simply a happy person. i'm always moody, always angry so i'm thankful that some of her perkiness rubs off on me somehow. she encourages me to go out and have fun. she encourages me to travel. i admire her because she's taking control of her life and i want to be the same way. it's nice to be around stronger, more mature women in your life to guide you.

of course, i still love my former boss and i still miss him. but like he said, i should give my new boss a chance to teach me something new and empower me. i am learning from my new boss. i am giving myself the opportunity to learn from her and about her. i am opening myself to the idea that she will enhance and empower me to become a better employee, and an even better person.

so where are we going now, mother? =)

Friday, November 26, 2010

angry girl journal 11.26.2010

i don't remember who it was, but i know somebody said that you're not supposed to blog when you're drunk because you might say things you don't mean, things that only come out when you're uninhibited by alcohol. when you're at work, and you read something that really pisses the hell out of you because you think they're so stupid, you're not supposed to be in front of the PC because you might reply in the heat of anger and will be bound to say things you will regret for the rest of your life and you can't hit the recall button fast enough to take it back. you're also not supposed to hit "forward".

stop. breathe.

i write because i have a problem dealing with my emotions. i know i'm not supposed to explain myself, because, while i'm not perfect, i am entitled to get angry, say things i don't mean which i will regret later on. i am also entitled to the accompanying embarrassment that comes after when i realize i am wrong. i am entitled to my opinions and beliefs as long as i don't hurt anyone. well, most of the time, i try not to hurt anyone. oftentimes, i write for me. i write because i find release that way. it is my way of dealing. i write here what i can't say to people because it is the truth, it is what i am feeling at that particular time and it will hurt them. it hurts me having to keep it in but it will hurt more if it came out wrong because i couldn't hold my feelings.

i feel the need to explain myself for the benefit of those who thought it was a great idea to use their vacation time to read my blog, a.k.a. YOU. it is both flattering and annoying at the same time. why? because you will get hurt. you will be disappointed. you will never speak to me again.

i write them here because i'm angry. i am not thinking straight. why do you think i hate arguing through text message or chat? because i will have the tendency to say things i won't mean or regret. i don't like arguing or talking when i'm really mad because i tend to be unreasonable and uncaring. talking when one party is mad is pointless because you will only be provoked and become more mad. which is why i write them here. once i start writing, i try to clear my head and i try to realize that what i say, or said, or could've said would've been a mistake. it saves you the need to hold it in and implode when you are too mad. it saves you any argument that would have occurred when things don't come out right.

of course, it is the worldwide web and anybody could be reading it. it's just like if you left your journal lying around and then somebody accidentally finds it and reads it, it will be open to interpretation. and because you wrote it, you can't take it back anymore. it's forever embedded in somebody else's memory that you said this or that about them. regardless of whether it's the truth or not, regardless of whether you apologize or not, it will not mean anything anymore because you've already hurt someone. the worst part is, you hurt the one who matters to you the most.

anybody who knows me and knows you and the way i really feel about you will know that i have the utmost difficulty to deal with my emotions. i am having trouble with the fact that you are my friend, i am in love with you and i work with you. i am with you all the time. other than all the stress that's surrounding me, that fact i have problems dealing with. because i'm supposed to know better, because i'm supposed to be older and more mature and i'm supposed to know better. you said so yourself, i should learn to control my emotions. this is how i adapt. if i write about it, then i will feel less vindictive, bitter or angry. these are all the things i can't say to you when i'm angry. these are all the things i can't say to you when i'm confused. these are all the things i can't say to you when i'm depressed. because i'm not supposed to.

of course, i said things here that shouldn't come out. of course, i said things here that will hurt you, or things that other people shouldn't find out about, because it will embarrass you. or me. and i should be good with words. i should be able to know and say it without embarrassing or hurting you. i shouldn't write when i'm angry.

i will not try to offer an explanation or apology for what i said or did here or in my life. everything is a learning experience, since, i'm not perfect. i will commit mistakes. i will hurt people and disappoint them. i will say things, do things, that i can never take back and will regret for the rest of my life. i will hurt and lose the people that matter to me.

i will understand if you don't talk to me anymore. i will understand if i lose you in my life. i deserve it. i understand that i will lose someone who means so much to me, who has done so many things for me, even when i doubt everything nice that they did for me, even when i let them down. no amount of words can find redemption for me. this is it, this is the end, this is another one of those friendships that i put to waste because i opened my big bad mouth and typed with my really fast fingers.

i will go hang myself now.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

angry girl journal 11.24.2010

we talk but we're not talking about it. i find it sad because while i know i don't feel that way about you anymore, i know that if there is a possibility, you and i, i would like to explore it.

i miss you, being with you, talking to you about my issues. i miss you making me laugh. i miss being able to vent on you whatever keeps me awake in the daytime.

but there's this wall. you won't talk to me about it and i certainly won't initiate. i will just let it go. i won't even dare to think what might have been between you and me. if it will happen, it will. if it won't, then i'm just sad because i don't want to feel awkward around you.

i wasn't jealous that you asked me where would be the best place to take her out on a date. but i would've felt much better if we cleared the air first. besides, i'm not the best person to ask about date places. when was the last time i went out on a date, right?

i want to be able to help you out with her, or with any girl for that matter, without you thinking at the back of your head that i'm expecting something. i don't want you to feel like you can't trust or talk to me anymore just because you are afraid that if you do, you might hurt my feelings. i love you and i'm happy with the thought that if i call on you, you will be there because you want to be and not just because you made an oath over a bunch of candles that you will be my brother and i can rely on you and you rely on me. i'm happy knowing that you are there.

it's just that right now, you're not. it's awkward.


i don't mind that she said that. i don't blame her. she has a point. instead of being mad at me over what she read here, she should pity me. after all, whether you're still in a relationship or not, she's still with you, she has given you the greatest honor any woman can give a man. and, you're still technically together. regardless of how you want to categorize what you have with her or not have with her or how you refuse to admit that you still have feelings for her or are inclined to stay with her for any reason, she still is in a better position than i am. she's actually smarter than what you give her credit for. she loves you more than i can ever quantify how i feel about you. and i envy her. i can only be bitter. i can only be your friend. i can only be your colleague.

i am not expecting anything. i'm not trying to buy you or steal you away. i am happy with what we have. i just get all human and stupid sometimes and i tend to forget who i am, and what i am to you. i forget that i shouldn't put any meaning to what you do to me, for me and i should just be thankful that you and i are friends.

but she is right. i am bitter. she has you and i don't.

Monday, November 22, 2010

remembering how, for a time, my life revolved around NU107

After my mother died, I looked for a radio station that can arouse me intellectually, especially in the morning, when my mind needs a little stimulation to start working and I found NU107 to be that station, aside from the fact that it played most, if not all, my favorite rock tracks. So when I discovered Jake and Joey in the morning, I was hooked and became a regular caller. That’s how I met Joey, and later on, Roxy too. The show had a pretty good run, until Jake had to go back to the US, I think. When Roxy took over the morning shift, we’d talk (which is more like me bugging her) and I’d come over to the station every once in a while to bring her favorite greaseless nuts. Sometimes, Myrene would come in early and chat with me too, and she’d notice the greaseless nuts and say, “uy, bawal to ah” (hey, this isn’t allowed here) because there’s some strange superstition that you can’t bring over nuts to the station (or a recording studio, for that matter) because whoever’s eating might choke on them.

NU107 launched this talk show every Fridays, 4PM-7PM, called the Gang Bang, with Ron, JD, and Tabitha, where they featured new music. I remember this one time they put U2’s The Sweetest Thing versus Athenaeum’s Flat Tire. The U2’s video came out, featuring the boy band Boyzone and if you voted for U2 (because it is, after all, U2), it would be because you’re a closet boy band fan. To make things even more interesting, if you didn’t know how to spell ATHENAEUM, the vote will automatically go to U2. It was hilarious, especially since a lot of people didn’t really know how to spell ATHENAEUM. The show died a natural death because Ron was also the station manager for NU and didn’t have enough time to squeeze in the show and managing the station. Tabitha moved on to the morning shift left by Roxy and we continued to do correspondence until she gave birth. I try to see her when I can. She’s based in Cebu now.

Zach teamed up with Joey, for Zach and Joey in the Morning. Joey, who came from another radio station, was the big advice giver and Zach was the musically-inclined one who keeps asking me, “Pulis ka na? Pulis ka na? Pulis ka na?” (because I’m a law graduate) whenever he sees me, long after the show bid its listeners farewell. I met a lot of people through that show: regular listeners like myself, band members, and people they featured on the station. For some reason, when things failed me at that time of my life, the show - the hosts, the music, reinforced my faith in God, in myself and in other people.

Of the all the DJs, I had crushes on Mondo (the guy with a large nose, err, heart), Russ Davis (who made me do tally for a weekend Stairway to Seven), and the jock who looks like Ethan Hawke whose name escapes me at the moment. But my biggest crush is Francis Brew, whom I first met at the 1998 NU 107 Rock Awards. I had a couple of drinks at the time and I took the opportunity to ask Roxy and Tabitha to introduce me, while I was asking for his autograph. He wrote, "Bels, you were drunk" on the postcard I asked him to sign. Since then I've been bugging him over the phone during his shift, just so I could talk to someone when I couldn't sleep. Of course, at the time, I thought I was doing him a favor. I was so makulit. I even introduced him to my then girlfriend M. She was taller than him, he thought she was going to beat him up. When M and I broke up, I visited him almost every week before going to review school. When I started managing this band called Traumaligno, I asked (more like bugged) him if they could be featured on his show called In The Raw. He obliged and the band's song Shrimppaste Soda was played every hour, every day for a whole week. He even said on a different episode that I was his favorite lesbian. So sweet, my guitar god.

While managing Troma, we were invited to perform on the concert version of In The Raw, where we met DJ Dylan's identical twin sister. Of course, if you thought Dylan was hot, her twin sister was too. She was also funny, and sweet and she was also working for a call center, just as majority of the members of our band, including me, were. She used to be working for an account that is being handled by my current boss.

I also became a follower of a show called the Gweilo's Hour, named after the bar that introduced us to Orange and Lemons, a band I then thought to be foreign but turned out to be this Brit-sounding band from Bulacan. The show introduced us to music we won't hear anywhere, kinda like Myrene's Not Radio, but slightly milder, or not. One of the hosts, Erwin Romulo, also a writer in a newspaper of general publication, became my friend. We corresponded, I would hang out the station and when he needed help with MS Word on his Carlos Palanca entry, he invited me over to his house. That was on the first night I met him.

Bels: Are you sure you want to invite me over to your house? What if I'm a psychopath?

Erwin: It's okay, Bels. We have guards.

Erwin won a Palanca award for the essay Confessions of a Space Boy, which he featured on his column, The Outsider, months later. He also wrote an article about Morissey which he dedicated to me. Such a brilliant mind. Telling me that he wishes I could write his articles for him is flattering, such an honor for me, to say the least.

When I started working for a call center along Emerald Avenue, which meant it was convenient for me to drop by the station everyday, I would go there a lot and they didn't really send me away. Everybody who worked there was friendly.

I got busier with work, and got farther with work, as the days, months, years went by that even listening to the station became difficult. I just couldn't find the time. I would watch gigs every free time I got and listen in, maybe call the station when time permitted me, but not as often as before. Not as often as I would've liked. That my father died and nobody was there to scold me about my music choices, my curfew and my watching bands didn't help. My work came in the way of my listening to the station.

Now that NU107 is gone, I get mad at myself for all those times I bought food at Banchetto and never dropped by to say "hello" to whoever was on board. I could've listened through my phone. I had my own secluded area, I could've listened, called, enjoyed the music. I could've taken so many leaves and watched gigs they hosted and sponsored as a means of supporting the cause. I could've given back to the friend who was there all those times I was down. People would argue that they changed their format, they "compromised" their ideals, they became artsy-fartsy and shit like that. It's no excuse. NU107 was all about the music and that should've been the only thing that mattered. Now the station is gone and we're forced to move on to other lackluster alternatives. Others come close, though, but they're never the same.

It's nice to look back on all those memories. NU107 played a huge part in my life. I met a lot of people who became my friends through the station. I pray it finds its way back to the airwaves.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

maybe i should put a red "A" on my clothes too

just because it's a holiday with them, doesn't mean i'm on holiday. sure, i see the effort wanting to spend time with each other on a holiday. eating out, watching a movie, drinking coffee and talking sounds like a great idea. but not when i have deadlines to meet. sometimes my daytime friends can be so inconsiderate.

the movie is immensely funny. i didn't really want to watch it at first, since i didn't really feel like watching a movie when i still had tons of work to do. there's something really cool (maybe even a little kinky) about a person talking in front of a web cam. you never know who's watching but you talk in front of it anyway. i am obviously not getting enough attention than what i think i'm getting. i don't know, i've always wanted to be the star of my own reality program. i found it interesting that they mentioned The Scarlet Letter and other classic literature in the film. you don't get that anymore. they also made references to movies by John Hughes. most awesome.

so the movie starts with Olive, talking in front of a web cam, saying what she claims to be "the real truth" about herself. so much has happened that she felt the need to explain her side and we get a flashback of how she became the "slut" of the whole school.

because she refused to spend a weekend with her friend, Rhiannon, she had to lie about losing her virginity to some college boy, when all weekend all she did was stay at home, while listening to Natasha Bedingfield's A Pocketful of Sunshine. talk about LSS. anyway, the overzealous head of the Christian group of their high school, Marianne, overhears the "story" in the bathroom and it spreads quickly like a plague. despite her being smart in class (being brought up by very liberal parents), everyone is focused on the rumors that they don't respect when she recites which leads her to lash at one of them and it gets her in detention.

in detention she meets a guy named Brandon (played by Dan Byrd - really cute son of Courteney Cox in Cougar Town) who proposes that they pretend they had sex just so nobody will beat him up for being gay. since then, all the misfits in school who found out about the deal between Olive and Brandon offer to give her certificates and coupons in order to make themselves more popular and her,unfortunately, more slutty to everyone's eyes. whenever she decides she wants to stop lying, she gets all soft when someone cries in front of her, especially when the school guidance counselor, who is also the wife of her favorite English teacher, confesses to giving one of the guys from the Christian group and Marianne's boyfriend, Micah, chlamidia. he blurts out Olive's name, which makes Marianne, also the girl who spread the first rumor, and Rhiannon, her friend, to launch a protest to have her kicked out of school.

the whole people-talking-about-her thing never really meant anything to her but the thing that pissed her off the most was that, there had been so many rumors going on about her doing this and that, or that boys were always offering to "fake rock their world", but nobody really bothered to ask her out. and when she needed them to fess up, they either didn't want to or ran out of town (like Brandon) or threaten her (like Mrs. Griffith, guidance counselor).

that's where the John Hughes reference comes in. she wanted to be wooed like when John Cusack held a boombox outside the window in High Fidelity or run off in a lawnmower with Patrick Dempsey in Can't Buy Me Love and then raise your fist like Judd Nelson in The Breakfast Club.

yeah, i want that to. maybe chivalry IS dead.

without giving too much away, except that she clears up everything. she does get the whole being called out the window with a boombox, she does run away with her longtime crush Todd on a lawnmower and they drive away with their arms raised with closed fists. i love this movie because not only is it funny but it gives me hope. it made references to The Scarlet Letter. i know i made a lousy book report about it in high school but the story kicks ass so i'm pretty hopeful that the movie can, in it's little way, encourage people to pick up the book or the original version of the movie. i also love that it paid homage to the John Hughes films. i miss watching movies like that. i miss chivalry like that.



it doesn't take me much to be really upset with you. it just looks like i like to quarrel with you all the time, but that's actually normal. you can be very infuriating so it's not all me.

i value trust in a relationship, especially in friendship, OUR friendship. we work together and both you and i handle very confidential information. we encounter a lot of people who are selfish and we always have to watch each other's backs. here i was, trying my best to protect your ass and you open your mouth only once, just once and you ruin my credibility. WHY? whatever possessed you to think that it was a good, no, a great idea to get me into trouble like that? nothing? no reason at all? no explanation? you know why? because it is stupid. because you have no reason. you weren't thinking. hence, if i get mad at you, it is valid.

i'm not mean to you, not in the way that you think. i have always been nice to you, always there to protect you. i forgive you. you are sweet, but you don't seem to protect me. you protect your own interest. okay, well, maybe you do look out for me sometimes, but you tend to forget other things. or sometimes, you can't help being impulsive, that it makes it difficult for people to deal with you and understand you. you hurt people because you lack finesse and tact when delivering some news about something or anything. you're not rude and yet you sound like you are. you're arrogant. but that's you. and i love you. i just don't think i can trust you anymore.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

i need to stop these posts!!!

tama na. tama na ang kahibangan na to. kinikilig kasi ko eh. pag kinikilig ako, hindi ako nakakapag-isip. pag kinikilig ako, nakakalimutan ko na hindi mo ako mahal sa ganoong paraan. nakakalimutan ko na hindi ko dapat bigyan ng kahit anong kahulugan lahat ng ginagawa mo para sa'kin. thank you na lang dapat ako.*

whatever the fuck possessed me to think you would ever love me like i do you?

i feel stupid. i feel bad because i shouldn't think about our friendship that way. i shouldn't expect anything from you. i shouldn't even be doubting you anymore. after all, you seem genuinely nice to me and it's not just because you're being polite. you seem to genuinely care for me. it may not be in the way that i want you to, but you do. you care for me. you look out for me. i shouldn't listen to people when they say things that make me doubt your friendship or your concern for me. i shouldn't let what people say affect how i feel about you. after all, i'm the one who's friends with you, not them. i'm the one who knows you, not them.

if only i can stop the whole falling for you thing.

let's face it - even if we sometimes forget, i am still a girl. i still get affected when you do something sweet to me, i still get overwhelmed because at the back of my head i feel that i don't deserve what you are doing for me. i get embarrassed because i sometimes doubt your friendship with me; i think bad thoughts when i'm mad at you, but only because i may just be confusing being validly mad at you and being in love with you so it's frustrating me. i feel bad because i shouldn't mix my feelings for you at work. i feel bad because my infatuation for you shouldn't overcome how i feel about you as your friend. i should be your friend first. i shouldn't swoon. i shouldn't expect. i shouldn't give meaning. but you are just too sweet sometimes that it makes me think, or wish, even when i'm not supposed to. i'm not supposed to.

i'm not supposed to doubt how you feel about me, or your friendship. i should be thankful that i have you in my life, that you love me, even if it's not in the way i want. i should be thankful that you are there for me, that you look out for me, that you take care of me. i shouldn't think about anything else. i should just be thankful.

but you are just so sweet.

*i have to stop this. i should stop this madness, this obsession. it's because i feel giddy. when i feel giddy, i don't get to think. when i don't think, i forget that you don't love me that way. i forget that i shouldn't give meaning to what you do. i should just thank you.

Tuesday, November 09, 2010

nick and norah

one of the great things about having cable (or having your neighbor have cable) is that if you miss any of the good movies showing because you are too addicted to your work, you just wait a year, or maybe now, just a few months and you finally get to see the movie.

i don't think Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist ever got shown in Manila. but i'm glad it's showing on HBO.


the story is about a "straight bass player in a gay band" and the daughter of a wealthy record producer. straight bass player is still hung over his slutty ex-girlfriend and sends her mixed CDs everyday (closure volumes 1 - 12) and his gay band mates try their best to get him out of the house to forget about her and find something, someone better.

"you don't understand, guys, you don't know what it's like to be
(nick, when his friends are dragging him out of the house)

what nick doesn't know is that all his slutty ex-girlfriend does is throw away the cds he sends in the garbage can. daughter of wealthy record producer shares the same school with her and picks up the cds from the trash bin. nick and norah happen to like the same type of music.

in their search for a band called Where's Fluffy? (the band is supposed to be ubercool you have to look for them literally just to get into their gigs), nick and norah meet in a bar they thought fluffy was playing in and she asks him to pretend that they're boyfriend and girlfriend for five minutes. they kiss too and slutty ex-girlfriend runs into them with her new date. don't you just hate it when a guy suddenly drops everything, especially when he knows he already has the real thing right in front of him in favor of the bimbo?

"that was Nick?!? that was Tris' Nick?!?!?!?! this, (norah, pointing to herself) is not competing with perfect little that!(pointing to nick's slutty ex gf) . . ."

slutty ex-girlfriend asks nick if she and her date can get a ride and nick gives in because he thinks slutty ex-girlfriend will dump her date. norah goes to find her friend caroline because she decides it's her turn to be drunk and norah's turn to take care of her. while looking for her, norah also runs into this lanky guy who just uses her (like a sort of boyfriend but not really - jerk) and her name to get free entrance and free drinks from bars, because, after all, she is the daughter of the wealthy record producer.


nick and norah eventually find caroline. their band finds a drummer. they find fluffy. and end up with each other.

too bad it's just a movie. but then, there are so many instances when i felt like that's happened to my life, minus the happy ending. i'm just so glad my neighbor has cable.

Monday, November 08, 2010

do you really need that much money if you lost all your friends?

so instead of camping out of the NU107 studio grounds at the F. Ortigas Avenue before midnight, my friends convinced me to watch the movie The Social Network.


The Social Network is about internet social networking website Facebook, and the resulting lawsuits. while you could say that the movie is a documentary drama about that thing that keeps us hooked to our PCs probably every waking second we get the chance to log in, it is actually, in my opinion, a film about friendship.

Eduardo is Marc's best friend. Marc lacks social skills. Marc is powerful in front of his PC. Eduardo supports Marc's latest project,, both morally and financially. Marc finds a new friend, Sean and thinks he's cooler than Eduardo. Marc thinks since Sean has experience with projects involving the internet, he sorta dumps Eduardo and his friendship. The Winklevoss twins are hot (or at least portrayed by hot twins) and popular and they got Marc to be their programmer but sues him for supposedly stealing their idea. Eduardo, the dumped friend, acts as witness for Marc in the Winklevoss case but acts as plaintiff for another. Eduardo has an Asian girl obsessed with him for a girlfriend. Marc lost his girlfriend and is trying to invite her to the social network he invented. He keeps refreshing the page, waiting for her to confirm that they are friends. Closing credits.

imagine being rejected as a friend in the social network you invented. it is used by millions and you have lots of friends, but rejected by the one you want. imagine being sued by the person with whom you started and shared something important with because of something as fickle and shallow as money. we may be talking about billions and billions of money but at the end, it's just money. come on.

too late the heroes

if all the people who listened in, logged in, called in and visited the station, camped outside during its dying hours, minutes, seconds before it signed off, had been there all along, would it have been enough for the station not to close down?

i think i remember francis brew reyes asking someone who dropped by the station (that or called in) sunday afternoon where they were all this time. yeah, where were we?

of course, NU107 meant a lot to me. it meant a lot to so many people. it's no wonder a lot of them camped out of the NU107 studios in Ortigas. but i just swung by. called in. didn't even bother to stop and actually make my presence felt considering i have been a stalker of their DJs all these years. i have changed, of course. it was too emotional. i wouldn't know what to say, how to face them, stuff like that. plus there were too many people who probably felt as strongly as i, even more, who would've wanted to do the same thing: light candles, hug the DJS, the techs, take pictures (it IS a big event when one of the pillars of Philippine rock decide to throw in the towel) and videos or just simply be there. we all want to be there the same way the station, the music, has been there for us, if only for the last time. unfortunately, things don't work that way.

if you had a band now, where will you submit your demo? if you wanted to go out, if not for Facebook, how would you find out about a gig? just like any other company, NU107 isn't just about the bands. they have engineers, accountants, people who do not have anything to do with the music side of the business who try to keep the station running so you and i can listen to our Muse, our Sandwich, our Yeah Yeah Yeahs, our Peryodiko, our U2 and our Foo Fighters, and everything else. they work to give us our Pocket Concerts, AlterNativity and Independence Day sessions. while all we do is try to figure out how we can watch a gig with backstage passes for free, they're trying to get advertisers to put a show up. a band can always beg (or pay, as the case may be) another radio station to play their songs, you can catch up through any social network where to go to see a gig, but it's not that easy for an accountant or an engineer (unless they're really really really good) to look for work near Christmas time.

we could argue that a lot of people who used to listen to NU107 on a regular basis stopped listening because the station either sold out or "compromised" to reach a bigger fan base. these are the people who are either used to listening to glam rock, new wave or are just simply opposed to anything new. the station, like any band or artist, evolved alright, started giving exposure to this or that band, introduced us to different flavors of rock and roll. evolved. change is either good or bad but for what it's worth, the only thing constant is change and NU107 might have "compromised" their sound than change the format altogether. we can give them that. we should.

maybe it is too late to show our support, respect, love for one of the greatest things that ever happened to Philippine music. but i don't lose hope. we shouldn't.

the last thing i'd want is for some poseur to claim this or that about NU. anyone who's had a band or who's been angry and has looked to music as an outlet for that anger for whatever reason, who's grown up listening to NU, we're the only ones who can say that, claim that. it's a bit elitist, the exclusivity, but i can talk of worse things that may have led to NU107 closing down. this is not the time.

we are still mourning.


Friday, November 05, 2010

angry girl journal 11.05.2010: i have to stop this

i have to stop this.

not the angry girl journals, silly. this.

here i go again. i'm not supposed to be this way. i don't feel comfortable crying in front of anyone. i have managed to keep an angry facade for everybody and reserve my right to cry in front of only a chosen few. you are one of them. much as i hate to admit it, you do affect me sometimes. and while i promised i will try not to cry in front of you, or because of you, promises are made to be broken.

and you saw it.

i was crying because it just occurred to me that i always put you first. never myself. it occurred to me that while i said it’s okay, that i’m okay, that i won’t expect anything, i do. i mean, i don't expect anything and i know that i shouldn't. i am just human, you know. i can only program my brain for so long and then it hits me that i can’t just be friends with you. one way or the other, when i least expect it will hit me, like hell, how hurt i am that i have these feelings for you and you’re just . . . . an ass. an ass who couldn’t care less about how i felt, no matter how many times you say you do. if you know you can’t reciprocate them, if you can’t be careful enough not to hurt me, it still counts as not caring about how i feel.

it should be easy for you, to know me, after all, we've been working together for so long. not that you're required to, but if we have to work so closely together, if we have to be around each other a lot, i think, that if we can't, i can't, i have to lay down some ground rules (for myself, at least) to avoid getting hurt. after all, i am your friend. i have to understand you, i have to work with you. i don't expect you to do the same thing. i don't expect anything from you period. but maybe, as courtesy to me, you could be a little more sensitive.

i have to stop.

i don't know how some people do it, how people can contain themselves and not feel anything. i can manage. i thought i could. i thought i can. like i said, there are just days when you think, why the hell not? why won't you? why can't you? why do you think i don't deserve you (or, in your words, i deserve someone better) when i chose to feel this way about you? of course, what i deserve, what standards i have, what i feel about you, may be subject to debate. maybe YOU have high standards. that, or no standards at all.

right. i don't even like me so why should you?

if i can't stop, i have to learn to hold it in. if i can't stop, i have to learn to keep away. if i can't stop, i have to learn to sacrifice more than i already have. if i can't stop, i have to learn to balance feeling this way and caring for myself. if i can't stop, i have to learn to just work with you. if i can't stop, i have to learn to hide it more. if i can't stop, i have to learn being numb again. if i can't stop, i have to learn to love someone else because i know i will only get hurt if i don't stop loving you.

Wednesday, November 03, 2010

angry girl journal 11.03.2010

The United Kingdom and Australia have both sent a travel advisory to their nationals to avoid the Philippines, including Manila because of imminent terrorist attacks.

What is wrong with this picture?

For starters, other than in parts of Mindanao, where there are insurgents, I wouldn’t really advise not going to Manila or the Philippines. There are worse places to be in and you can get terrorized, maimed, raped or killed anywhere so I don’t understand why they would go out and send a warning like that against our country or any country for that matter. I mean, I know we have a lot of pervs here, as anywhere else, but anywhere you go, there will be terrorists, and rapists and muggers and thieves and corrupt politicians so why single out the RP? Or should I say PHL?

I have a lot of complaints about this country but the minute you start dissing it because you think your world is safer than mine just because you can unleash this or that missile to blow it up or release a biochemical weapon that can kill all of us and everybody else in this planet, doesn’t mean it gives you the right to diss ours. I just prefer using the English language but once people go shitting racist on me because I’m color brown or because they think they’re country is better, safer than ours, tangina, mumurahin at babastusin ko kayo sa tagalog. Wag na nga kayo pumunta dito sa bansa namin. Just stay in your God-forsaken countries where people speak like they have stopper up their butts. The people in this country, they don’t commit crimes out of passion or obsession, they only commit crimes because they don’t have food in their bellies. That or because their parents couldn’t raise them with enough education to vote for responsible people in office to educate and feed them.

I recently attended this seminar for people like me. When I say people like me, I mean other executive assistants and administrators like me. Or more commonly known as secretaries. It’s a title thing here in this country.

I learned a lot from that seminar. Some of the things I already know and put to practice since I have had the pleasure of working with great bosses (I mean this one and the last one, no offense to those before) who empower me and make sure that I put to great use all my potential and some I hear for the first time and look forward to using in my dealings with people.

You must know that I came from a shift that day and went back to shift after that seminar so I was a walking zombie last week and my stress level was really high. I got a lot of compliments from people though, considering that even if I have been awake for about thirty six or so hours, give or take, I still looked fresh. I am lucky to have caught on the important parts.

There was this one activity where we were asked to list down all the characteristics that made us feel good about ourselves. Afterwards we had to write all the things we did that made us interact with people really well. Then we were asked what our idea was of a perfect world would be. This was supposed to be our personal mission sheet. If you didn’t have one at the time, we will teach you how to make one. This is done by picking out the two nouns from the first list, two verbs from the second list and then picking out your idea of a perfect world.

My notebook kinda looked like this. Of course, my writing was getting really bad already since I was really sleepy until the facilitator asked us what our idea of a perfect world is:


Now, people who know me personally know that my handwriting gets much bigger when I am angry or elated or when I am just immersed with what I am writing about in general. He really woke me up with the whole perfect world idea. When he saw my penmanship getting bigger and of course, angrier, he made me read my personal mission out loud:

I will use my voice and my writing to motivate and encourage people not to push other people in or out of the elevator or MRT.

I will use my voice and my writing to motivate and encourage people not to leave trash in front of other people’s lawn.

It’s a pretty simple mission. I have very shallow needs or expectations from my fellow man. Unfortunately, common courtesy, common sense, for that matter, is scarce.

We also had an ego anonymous session in that seminar where I discovered that I am not only proud, I am also fearful – of course, the more common term is afraid, as in afraid of rejection. I’m not just a proud human being, I’m also a scared human being. When you are too proud or too afraid, you tend to miss out on a lot of stuff, and you detach yourself from others and your Creator in the process. It also explains why I am still single.

We haven't talked about it. You just seem to be using my name in your house a lot just to be able to get out. I haven't seen a grown man try to use my name so many times just to get permission from his parents to leave the house. Apparently they trust you with me enough that the mere mention of my name gives you a pass, no questions asked. Guess i'm that cool to your folks. They're not thinking i'm their potential daughter-in-law, are they?

I'm just glad you're talking to me again. And maybe, it's better that we don't talk about that anymore. Maybe it's better this way.


I don’t mind that she read my blog. I mind that she didn’t or doesn’t understand.

Nothing worse than being misunderstood by the girlfriend of the guy you are pining over.

you only get a home of new rock once in a lifetime

i first read it on one of the former NU rock jocks' blog and up to this day, i can't believe that they are on their last week of airing. you know that this is the end when all the rock jocks are coming back to do guest appearances or actual board work. you know it's the last week of airing when you can hear Guns N' Roses playing right after Tanya Markova and The Beatles, or playing Maria Cafra or any other classic song and they're trying to accommodate you and play the songs you want to hear even if they can't find them.

i can't even begin to describe how sad i am that the station has to close down because of budget or something. i've always thought of the station as a companion. it got me through my mother's death, my break up with M and then my father's death. now, i am all alone and NU107, the home of new rock, closing down and reformatting, no longer being the home of the music i grew up with and loved, is like another one of those deaths or break ups.

one of my fondest memories of the station booth, the guitar god and the band traumaligno

i've met so many people along the way: DJs, listeners, bands, writers, people. some of them i still get in touch with and meet every now and then, some are still on my Facebook page. some i have yet to see again because they've been part of my development as an individual. i remember a friend saying that i have managed to transform my "stalker tendencies" to helpful business connections. that much is true. i used to be really really irritating, especially when i lost M. i think i hung out the station and bugged the DJs everyday. if i wasn't there personally, i'd call them. i used to call the station everyday and give my opinion about this or that song or topic or DJ. i think there would be one or two, maybe more DJs i've pestered through the years, but some have remained great friends or acquaintances of mine. like, i'd approach this or that person and he/she would recognize me as an NU listener and there'd be an instant reaction. it wouldn't always be pleasant but it was a reaction nonetheless.

my guitar god and me

i love the station, and the people i have met through it. i've only been part of one Rock Awards but that experience was the best i've had. the education in music that i have had through NU107 is, for lack of a better word, since i am so speechless right now, is amazing. i am glad i listened to the station for as long as i have and did, since the music i get from it, both local and foreign rock acts, i wouldn't hear anywhere else. i've met too many people, heard too many songs, learned too many things through NU107 that i don't think i can rant and vent enough to say how grateful i am to it or how bad i will miss it. the station has unconsciously become so much a part of me and my life.

and now i don't know what to do anymore.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

i can always go to the beach some other time

i know i already said i'd go but my plans changed during the daytime that made it impossible for me to arrive at my law school alma mater at 6PM for the meet up to go to Laguna. so i thought i'd get in touch with my friend Jordan from the other call center i worked for, since he's been bugging me for the longest time to watch a gig. watch a gig we did.

of course, by the time we got there, it had already started. i think we missed two bands. Good Morning High Fives were up, with Martin and Pops Nievera's son Robin playing guitars for them. it's nice to know that we don't have to commit the mistakes done by our parents and we can choose to live our lives differently. even the music we play. the vocalist was very pretty hot although i didn't feel her intensity while performing. i just thought everybody was into it save for her. it felt like her eyes were empty, almost like she was awkward. the band as a whole was remarkable, despite being young and all. but that's just me.

quick observation: why are the girls that go to these gigs look like maids? what is happening to the gene pool? and, what makes all these kids, not just the girls, think that just because they have their DSLRs, that they're artist/photographers? some of the people who showed up for that gig probably know zilch about the music they're listening to. they don't deserve to be seated. it's like they went over there thinking it was a soiree. or a dump site of
ugly music-ignorant people with digital cameras.
there were other bands, whose names i can't remember right now while i'm typing this but aside from Taken by Cars, and Tanya Markova, whom everybody was waiting for, i thought Turbo Goth was awesome. as Dianne, my other companion, pointed out, if the White Stripes played gothic electronica, this was how they would sound and look like. Sarah Gaugler was amazing. she was subdued intense in contrast to Paolo Peralta's possessed intense. what a pair they make. what awesome music they make too. i've never seen so many xpats come over to see them perform. for a while i thought i was working again. but they were slamming. i just couldn't help but love them. i saw their video over at MYX but it was not amusing as seeing them perform live. if i hadn't known anything about them except that they were tall and their tattoos and their clothes (fashionable duo as well) called attention to them, i was a fan the minute they stepped out of that bar. Dianne asked who they were when Paolo was setting up and i said, "don't worry, hon, he will introduce himself to you". true enough, we were standing their set the whole time just banging our heads.

another band that caught my attention was December Avenue. to compare them to somebody else just to give you an idea what type of music they play would be a disservice to them, as they are unique and wonderful. but just to give you an idea (HAHA), they kinda sound like Gin Blossoms meets Switchfoot, for lack of better bands to come up with, as words evade me at this very moment. all i know is that, i would love to be wooed with their songs. not too noisy, not too mushy and yet, very much entertaining.

of course, there were other bands whom i cannot remember at the moment and even if i do remember their names, my words will fall short to describe how great their performance was and how elated i am to be in their presence. i am not so good in words that way.

i loved Taken by Cars and Tanya Markova. i feel so bad that i haven't gone out in a while or listened to the radio as much as i wish i could. everybody else was standing, singing along to their songs and i'm there, standing, just in awe, basically. maybe i'm too old, or just too busy. but my ears are still recovering.

i can always go to the beach some other time. i'm already thinking about backpacking and going to this and that place. i can meet my fraternity brothers and sorority sisters at some other occasion but gigs where i can see the bands i like, i rarely get a chance to do and going to this gig, i certainly did not regret. forget that i haven't slept from my shift last night. that was awesome.

will do again some time. soon i hope.

angry girl journal 10.22.2010

"if a guy is already trying to kiss you, why would you want to meet with someone else?"

words of wisdom from my itay Nathan. he has a point.

i tell you that he has a point and you get back to me, asking me the same thing. why do YOU think i went over to meet YOU when HE was already trying to kiss me? i'm not sure who between the two of us is more stupid: me, for running away from him to meet you when he was obviously there for me, or you, for not getting that i wasted a perfectly great opportunity to be in a great relationship (if not a perfectly great opportunity to get laid after three years) just to be with you. you're really REALLY dense, do you know that?

you are being very sweet than your usual self lately. i get that. you're surprising me more frequently these days. i don't know what the deal is. i'm just going to be grateful that you are and not try to over-analyze the situation. i'm just happy you're still with me. because now, he is not.


i know i was wrong for leaving. i know i was wrong for thinking that you wouldn't care. of course, you do. i'm just not sure how much. i was always sure how much you cared for me. i was always sure that you would be there, that i can count on you to be there.

basically, i was scared because after we kissed i don't think i would ever feel that secure anymore. i didn't know how i feel about you or what happened. i don't know how you feel about me or what happened. i'm afraid i might not like what i find out. i've always felt that if i call you, i know that no matter what happens i know, i feel, i am SURE you will be there for me. i feel bad because now, i'm not so sure.

i don't know how i would react after we meet again. i don't even know what i'd say. i don't know how i'd feel.

i just need you to talk to me again. i wish you would talk to me again. please talk to me again.

Monday, October 18, 2010

angry girl journal 10.16.2010

so he texted me to come over for a drink. i really didn't want to go out but he was one of the few people i couldn't say no to so i went. i saw his mother and his sister again and we were all having a few laughs before they all fell asleep and we were left alone. i really have trouble drinking alcohol without smoking so i got tipsy really fast. we finished our drinks but he wouldn't let me leave until i sobered up a bit. something didn't feel right but i didn't want to think about it. like something would happen between two people who were drunk left alone together but i ignored it. the signs were there, i saw them but i refused to see them. i got a text message from you saying that you were in the office so i called you up to meet you. somehow i felt he didn't like the idea of me seeing you, especially after we drank. i wouldn't say he was jealous of you, but that was his tone. then he made sit on his lap again, here it was.

i had my arms around him (i have this thing for guys who know how to maneuver me - it is implied that i allowed myself to be "maneuvered") without making any advances. he couldn't really see my face up close so he would me slightly move me away from him, but still have me in his lap. i wasn't doing anything, i thought out loud. for someone "who wasn't doing anything either", his lips tasted really good. not bad.

in layman's terms, he kissed me and i kissed back. i would like to think i had more will than he did, because i know what happens to his girls. i am not one of his girls. i've always said that i don't want to be a statistic.

then i went to you. you explained to me. again. you said that i was okay with the situation. i was okay with being friends, but what if he wasn't?

i know in my heart that i love him and that he loves me and if there were someone out there i trust my life with to protect me, he would be on the list, much more than you would be. i also know that friendship is the best foundation for a relationship and he happens to be one of the greatest straight male friends i've known in my lifetime. but i don't see him that way anymore. i was, still am, cool with the idea that we were only friends. i am open to the idea that he and i can move to the next level but what if he isn't? or, what if we move to the next level and it doesn't last and i lose my friend?

maybe i'm getting way ahead of myself here, so i'd rather think it was a mistake, both in his part and mine. because it would be better thinking that way than thinking he actually thought i was okay with us being fuck buddies. it would hurt me to think that that was all he thought of me and him thinking i was okay with it. if i wanted him that way, if i saw him that way, i wouldn't even bother letting this friendship go on the way it did. i wouldn't even bother taking care of him, i would've just made that pass two years ago and got it over with. then i wouldn't feel so awkward.

who will i run to now about you?


i love you. very much. we tell each other most everything and i have this great respect for you. i would hate to ruin what we have because i or you assumed differently. don't get me wrong, i loved that you kissed me, the way you did, at least. but i still don't know how to go about what happens next. i'm afraid to know what happens next.

Friday, October 15, 2010

dancing while shoveling snow


a lot of people have remarked that Haruki Murakami tends to end all of his books in a hurry. at first, i thought that it could just be that the story was lost in translation, since his books are originally in Japanese. but then after reading about three of his books, i think they're right.

you'd think that the reason the endings are so rushed is to give the reader something to think about after reading the book, like the story was open to speculation as far as the ending was concerned, like it would end differently depending on how the reader understood the story. but it doesn't. it just pisses you off because you're left wondering, what the fuck?

the last book i read, Dance Dance Dance, is that way. i thought the cover was neat and the fact that it had references to music was really cool. the more i read the book, the more i thought that the dance reference was symbolic rather than literal since the narrator was pretty much asked to dance, as in dance with the situations and circumstances surrounding him.

the story is about a commercial writer (i believe, this is when you get paid to write about something you don't necessarily believe in or like but have to because it gives you the money to sustain your life) and his fixation about an old hotel and the girl he met there and lived with for a while. when the girl disappears, he finds an opportunity to go back to the old hotel, which was recently renovated and he meets The Sheep Man again.

slowly, his life gets tangled with that of an old high school classmate, Gotunda, now an actor stuck playing dentist, doctor and professor roles; a thirteen year old psychic, Yuki, whose parents delegated the responsibility of taking care of her to him; and Yumiyoshi, the hotel receptionist whom he ultimately ended up having a relationship with.

this is the part where it gets weird. so he looks for Kiki, the prostitute and throughout his search, that's how he goes back to the old hotel and meets the receptionist Yumiyoshi. when on one of Gotunda's movies, he sees Kiki on the scene with him, he gets in touch with him to see if he has her number. it turns out he doesn't but they end up being good friends and they share more in common other than a lab experiment in high school. they both have ex-wives, they both slept with two prostitutes on different occasions. Mei, one of the prostitutes die and the narrator is accused of killing her when it turns out, based on Yuki's visions, it was Gotunda who killed her. Yuki's father gets the narrator out on bail after he gets detained for three days but he doesn't really turn in Gotunda. and though he doesn't really find Kiki, or find that he won't get really get anywhere as far as finding her is concerned, he still continues to do so anyway.

the weirder part is the existence of The Sheep Man in the hotel who has only shown himself to Yumiyoshi, Yuki and the narrator. The Sheep Man says that the narrator is the one that connects all of them and their lives together. he is the one who tells the narrator to dance but he doesn't really get how since he's not really well coordinated. when finally Yumiyoshi and the narrator decide to have sex, The Sheep Man appears. whether it was in the narrator's dream or in his hotel room while he is still with her still fails to confuse me. i think i read that last part twice just so i'd get it but i still didn't.

nevertheless, i like Haruki Murakami because his characters are confused like i am. they are damaged like i am. and it may be just the people who translates the books, but when talking in references to love unrequited or to loss, he totally nails it. he does for me. i can totally relate to the character whose heart was broken, the character whose feelings weren't reciprocated, the doormat of his stories, the person taken for granted.

so while the book ending was rushed and i'm still trying to figure out what really happened to the narrator, the fact that the journey of the characters is what draws me to read Haruki Murakami books will probably urge me to read some more books. this narrator, in particular, was as sarcastic as i am so even if i lost the ending somehow, i was there, i danced with him while he was shoveling snow.