Wednesday, December 30, 2009

good distraction frees you from emotional pain

just when i thought i was cured, i am back to being numb again. after AVATAR and watching reruns of Dexter Season 1 where after the lone being who can accept his true self, Dexter had to kill his elder brother Brian in order to save his foster sister Debra, i haven't been able to cry again. ugh.

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so i decided to try to do the following things beginning of this new year, and this is not like a bunch of new year's resolutions i don't intend to keep. i won't even be calling them that. i will call them things that i will do to distract me from all the pain that i can't handle. acknowledging them is one thing, but i need to express them too, otherwise, i'll implode:

1.i've always wanted to learn french and i never really got to start since my Dad didn't want me to;

2. we have a punching bag at home that i kick occasionally when i'm pissed off at my life. now i'll try to hit it some more;

3. i've said it here before that my only real sport would be running and every thing else is just a hobby to pass the time since when i walk or run, i get to think more so i got myself a pair of running shoes so i can go jogging with my friends;

4. i have a badminton racquet and i intend to use it;

5. i miss going out on gigs and maybe now that i don't have a curfew and nobody will be giving me a hard time about listening to rock bands, i just might just go and use up my leave days;

6. i'll write again, just like what i'm doing now. blog. blog. blog. write till all the pain has gone or at least diminished;

7. i have not read all the books and listened to all the cds that i want to listen to. maybe now i can. i should. i will.

i can't stop thinking about you. i know i should be dealing with the affairs of my life and getting the most out of it. i know i should be working my ass off. i know i should be thinking of someone else. you are only adding up to the pain i keep and the bad thing about it is that, you're just being the wonderful you. you are only making it hard for me by being very sweet and thoughtful and caring. you are not helping me. you are the distraction that i want so much to be consumed in (or is it "by"?), i want to drown in that feeling and come out alive. i know you can never feel the same way so i get by and try to make do with what you give me. but you're not making it easy. you're making it so difficult to forget you, or at least accept the fact that i can only be your friend.

hindi na muli madadala sa'yong mga ngiti . . . kelangan ko ng bakasyon. maaari bang magpahinga ang puso ko? patalon-talon sa tuwing nabibitin sa kung ano ba at alin

- Bakasyon by Peryodiko


i am so used to this. i've been here sooo many times that i need whacking in the head already. rejection junkie me so distracted i'll try my best to be. i need to get my head off you.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

nah

i can't do this.

it doesn't feel like the holidays for me because i'm alone. not raining on anyone's parade but you can't, really can't expect me to be cheerful. i'm an orphan. i have no idea where i'm going to start about fixing my life. it doesn't help when there seems to be a whole lot that i have to fix.

i apologize if i can't, don't, won't try to go along with the holiday spirit. i've always been angry and now i have perfectly good reason to. everyone gets to be with their families while i'm looking for someone who'd be fine with having me with them and at the same time, they're not too atrocious themselves. now while i would have loved to be with family, like blood family, i can't. i was trained to be too distant to them that even if they give me their whole heart, i can't begin to trust them, much less interact with them for more than 30minutes. gaaad, i can't stand them for more than five.

don't get me wrong. i have wonderful maternal and paternal families. i'm simply not close to them to try to forge a relationship now just because i'm alone. i can't. much as i'd like to, i wasn't built that way. also, i like to avoid comments on weight and spinsterhood as much as i can.

i can't work either. i want to work. takes the load off. takes the pressure off. but what would i do? it's a holiday. everybody else is on holiday so whatever it is that they would require me to submit can wait until they get back from their vacation.

i have relatively enough money. too bad all that relatively enough money cannot buy you happiness. artificial happiness has a tendency to wear off. hell, even real happiness is eventually followed by sadness.

and obviously, i am not seeing anyone. i am pining for someone yes, but the feeling is not mutual. he doesn't see me that way. talk about adding insult to injury.

i don't have any reason to feel better. i am having difficulty expressing any emotion aside from disgust, frustration, depression. i want to try to be happy, or cheerful for the holidays but all circumstances point to the contrary. i feel empty so i won't even bother to try.

i hope everyone is blessed this season. i hope everyone will continue to be blessed this coming year. i hope to be happier. but for now, nah.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

how the movie AVATAR cured my temporary inability to cry

you don't, you don't, you don't see me
you don't, you don't, you don't see me
you don't, you don't, you don't see me
you don't see me at all

3 Libras, A Perfect Circle


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the movie is set in the year 2154. this is why James Cameron is such a pompous ass. the man has not made a movie since the Titanic. and that was ages ago. back then the technology couldn't match his vision. when it finally caught up, we now see the benefits of such and it has put us all in awe with this masterpiece. ironically, the movie's plot tells us or has implied to us that in the pursuit of higher technology, we have destroyed our world and have gone on to destroy other environments as well. go figure.

"i see you . . . " - Neytiri

" . . . i see you" - Jake Sully

i can't help it, i fell in love with the romantic aspect of the film. i related to the fact that for the most part of my life, all the people i fell in love with never saw me in the way that i wanted them to. haha.

i always said that i cry at the weirdest times and the director of Terminator 2 has successfully done so when i was experiencing a drought in my tear glands. the only other person is Joss Whedon.

i want to see it again. i don't mind shelling out P400 to sit through 3 hours with a weird pair of glasses over my spectacles. i felt it, every second of it. i don't mind crying over and over again.

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

the title was catchy and it reminded me of you

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i bought this book while trying to walk off the 3 bottles of beer i drank to forget about you.

lesson 1: alcohol was not invented to induce amnesia. some people use it as an excuse but apparently it doesn't work for me.

lesson 2: do not read a book or any form of literature after the intake of alcohol. it will make your head ache.

lesson 3: you can't really try to impress a guy who doesn't drink by drinking alcohol. especially if he's already expressed disdain over you drinking, when he knows fully well that he's the reason you started drinking to begin with.

lesson 4: catchy title doesn't always mean good book. it may amuse you for a while but when you're used to a particular form of writing, you kinda prefer that over what you're reading right now.

lesson 5: you won't really score points with a guy you want to date when you quote words from the book that make him feel what a big ass he is.

in all fairness to the writer of this book, i was pretty amused. it made for good reading on my trip going to tagaytay and back, in between drinks. in reading i didn't really realize that there was a prequel and a sequel (akalain mo yun, trilogy pa siya!)

the book is about Karl Vladimir Lennon Villalobos (can't imagine how life was for him in first grade, learning how to write his name and all) and his quasi-relationship with a girl named Jen. i say "quasi" since he and Jen are friends with benefits until Intoy (yes, that is his nickname) eventually falls for Jen only he's too proud to actually admit it to her. see, Intoy's not that attractive and Jen's like this boy magnet so it was unlikely that they hooked up, even just for the sex. she found him amusing and they had this special arrangement in between classes (which explains the title, Ligo na U, Lapit na Me), only, Intoy wasn't Jen's only playmate. she was also giving "benefits" to somebody else.

that's it. the plot is simple and relatable. in this day and age, a lot of people can be friends with benefits. the most unlikely people can be doing it without you even knowing it. what drew me to the book, other than the fact that it reminded me so much of this guy i like and his never ending eee-ssues, is how honest the writer was. i mean, this could happen to you. anybody can fall in love, in the most unlikely time and place with the most unlikely person and it will hit them before they can even spell their name.

will i buy the prequel and the sequel after reading the book? i don't know. maybe i will, maybe not. i do have a preference for books that are written in english, not taglish. not that i have anything against Filipino writers who write in the vernacular. i admire these writers. i just have a preference. also, most middle books (or movies, The Two Towers, New Moon - and i don't even read Twilight!) are usually boring because they just connect the beginning and the end but with this book, i never felt it was in the middle. it can stand by itself, although i didn't really like the ending because you knew you had to buy the sequel to know what happened next: what happened to Jen? will Intoy and Jen ever get back together as mutual beneficiaries? who is the father of Jen's baby? is it really somebody else or did she just say that because she's afraid to admit that she's fallen for Intoy? shit like that.

i'm sorry if you get a little peeved when i read quotes from the book that remind you how shitty your life is. i didn't get you into this mess, YOU DID. sometimes, irritating you is the closest i can come to buffering my own pain. because i love you, you idiot. but you, you, you just can't put a leash on your member, hence, you're in this shit. the worst part is, i love you for it, damaged, wonderful, brilliant and all, and i will embrace all these issues that go with you because that's what made you the strong character in this page of my book.

no, i'm not waiting for you to say that to me. i hate it when people talk and text like that. but i find you cute when you say it.