Friday, November 27, 2009

i was just supposed to apologize for being a selfish bitch, i didn't have to tell you i'm in love with you

i put it out there. the rest is up to you.

i've always been transparent. while i don't have the best eyes (hidden most of the time by my spectacles. that or people pay more attention to my nose), people can see right through them. of course i always say that my normal operation is angst, but it is true, my eyes give me away when i'm depressed. happy. pissed off.

so it's no surprise that you saw right through me and how depressed i was when you told me. not that i wanted to make it about me. i just couldn't be the friend that i should've been to you after finding out. i was too in to my own pain. and that's not right. that's not even me. because i should've been there for you. you need me. even if it's just the friend version of me.

i couldn't really apologize why i thought i was selfish for not being there for you without explaining why. it'll come right out of my mouth eventually anyway. or you might have noticed. but then you're dense so i may have to spit it out.

that i've fallen in love with you.

yeah, yeah, bels has said this about sooo many guys sooo many times. how is this different?

because i may stand to lose it all just by feeling this way. you don't have to reciprocate. God knows you won't but i'm hoping. the mere act of feeling is death by itself. because to be amused by you is forbidden.

anyway, by the time i realized what a big klutz i am, i already said it and can't take it back. i felt better after. i'm not normally that candid anymore. of course now it will be more awkward when i see you. i have no regrets.

there's so much shit surrounding you that i doubt you'd even notice i exist or see me the way i want you to. i'm happy with what you give me and i'm content.

like they say in showbiz, i could be happier though.

hopefully, just like all the storms in my life, this too shall pass.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

that does it.

let's just face it: i'm not cool enough for you.

we've known each other for what? too long for me i guess and it didn't really sink in to me until a few months back i just didn't have the time to rant about it.

well, now that my dad is dead, i have time.

took me a while to realize that all this time, i've been the only one pushing for us to have this so-called friendship. i've been here the longest, i've known you the longest of all your friends. it's amazing how you acknowledge me when i feel like for the most part you're just being polite. because it has been so long and i've been here for so long.

i'm not ranting because i'm still in love with you. God knows i'm over that, i'm so over you that way. i just can't help but think about how i'm always there for you, how i perpetually go out of my way to support you throughout all of your endeavors and you just, hell, you just fucking take it for granted.

you're either just too busy, too special or you have too high for standards that i don't fit the mold of the kind of friend you want to have.

i mean it, you're an ass. you ask me sometimes, why the hell do i even bother to stay? i always say that you have the potential to be a great friend, brother, lover. you're always there for everyone. everyone but me.

i will never be good enough for you. except maybe for that one particular time and it pains me that you were vulnerable and stupid at that time. it's like i'm okay THAT way to you, but not for anything else.

God, you can probably write the yellow pages and it will sound like a symphony to me. i've always thought so highly of you that i've made a doormat out of myself all these years. that's how i appreciate you, your talents, your humongous potential to be great. if only we can translate all that potential to kinetic energy where you can be there when i need you for a change.

end of friendship na 'to. if you're there, you're there, thanks a lot. if you're not there, well, i've been so used to your absence anyway. it's so depressing because everyone seems to think you're this great guy but when it comes to me, you treat me like a piece of shit. and i call you my best friend. right. there's your cue to be polite. because you acknowledge the fact that i say it, but you're never it. you were never the friend that i hoped you would be. sometimes, yeah, i can give you that, but not for the most part.

it's just too sad. with my dad passing, i realized that i'm such a great friend to so many people because i could feel the love when i needed it most. they were there for me, as i have been there for them. they acknowledged the fact that i am great, that i am loving that they felt the need to give it back when they thought i needed it. i felt it. from them and not from you.  you whom i valued so much, my absentee best friend.

i don't need this shit. especially not from you.

Saturday, November 07, 2009

why do i always end up singing this song?

like i have mentioned before, i don't want to be amused with you. i don't want to rationalize your behavior around me or what you do to my head whenever i'm with you. i refuse to give in to what people say about us, what they think or what runs through my head about what could be between us.

i am not allowed to be amused with you.

so as much as it hurts, i wouldn't not mind you not being with me. i want you to be happy, even if it means, you being happy with someone else.

You Don't Know Me
Jann Arden
My Best Friend's Wedding OST


You give your hand to me
And then you say hello
And I can hardly speak
My heart is beating so
And anyone can tell
You think you know me well
But you don't know me

No you don't know the one
Who dreams of you at night
And longs to kiss your lips
Longs to hold you tight
Oh I am just a friend
That's all I've ever been
Cause you don't know me

I never knew the art of making love
No my heart aches with love for you
Afraid and shy I let my chance go by
The chance that you might love me too

You give your hand to me
And then you say goodbye
I watch you walk away beside the lucky guy
Oh you will never know
The one who loves you so
Well you don't know me

You give your hand to me
And then you say goodbye
I watch you walk away beside the lucky guy
Oh you will never know
The one who loves you so
Cause you don't know me
Oh no you don't know me
OOhh...you don't know me

so maybe i did wish for it, but i didn't expect it to be this soon

let me just say that i'm used to being alone.

i don't know where to start. some part of me wanted this, yes, i won't try to deny it. i have been very vocal about my anger, my unhappiness, my resentment towards my dad. but i still feel bad. i still feel sad about losing him.

i honestly thought he would live much longer to torment me, make me more angry, more miserable. but he didn't. it caught us both by surprise. knowing him, he would've wanted to stay longer, to arrange for everything, to prepare me for what is to come when he leaves. apparently not. i didn't see this coming any more than he did.

when my mother died, she looked happy. she looked like she felt relieved going because it was the end of all physical suffering. and oh my, she suffered a great deal. what with all the advances of technology, no amount of money, no discovery of science could save her from her impending death.

when i look at my father's coffin, i see a disappointed man with unfinished business: i didn't get to do this, i didn't get to finish that. will she be able to do this on her own? will she make it alone? have i done enough to equip her with tools she can use to survive?

no brain activity. no breathing. the only reason his heart was beating was because of the medicines they gave him to keep it alive. i've seen this before. i didn't like it the first time. i didn't like having to see it again.

i know i always say that i wish he were gone, that my life would probably be so much better if he weren't around. but i felt powerless seeing him in pain. i felt pain when he was in pain.

it was very frustrating not being able to do anything to alleviate his pain, not being able to stop it and make him feel better. i got so used to him doing things for me, him controlling me, telling me what to do, him preparing me for worst case scenarios if i didn't do this or that. he didn't train me for this. even if he did, i still wouldn't know if it would come out right the way he wanted. i don't think anyone can be THAT prepared.

they call it defense mechanism when you try to do something else or show some other emotion in order to hide what you're truly feeling. i heard them say that a couple of times during my mom's wake. i hear it being said now in my dad's wake. i call it being me. i always said i cry at the weirdest times.

try to see me when i'm washing the dishes. or cleaning the house. or sitting in the throne. whatever's happening right now is weird due to its abruptness and my being underprepared (is there such a word?) but not weird enough. any normal person would've cried, bawled even, at a time like this. well, in case you haven't noticed, I'M NOT NORMAL.
this may sound odd but i miss my dad. seriously. i miss him telling me stories. i miss him telling me what to do. i miss him getting mad at me for the smallest of things, for the shallowest of reasons. i miss him telling me to get married or to do something about my life. it's not sarcasm. i just got used to the idea of having him control every single detail of my life. sorry, force of habit.

i can't say i wouldn't splurge on stuff i've always wanted to get but couldn't. i can't say i won't go out and visit places i've always wanted to go to but can't. because in order to clear my head, i just might.

i've been waiting for this for sooo long, you might say: to be able to do whatever/whoever i want, to be able to go where i want without question, without restriction. i am finally free of my father's shadow, free of his expectations or perfection. i am free period.
but i can't breathe.

angry girl journal 10.22.09

1.27pm

i'd like to think that despite all my flaws, i wouldn't be the person i am right now. good or bad, there must be something in me that people see, or at least, that's what Nathan says, that people love and respect about me. sure there are days when i question myself and assume that there is only certain amount of reverence due to me because i am his assistant. but there are people outside of this company who find me amusing to say the least. maybe if my father wasn't as mean to me, i would've been much worse. by certain standards (or cultures), i'd like to think i turned out okay.

of course, just because they find you amusing, it doesn't necessarily follow that they would appreciate you the way you want them to. amusement wears off and i'm set aside only as a source of entertainment. besides, i always go back to: do they love me because i'm bels or do they love me because i'm Nathan's assistant?

i'm going to give people credit and assume that they like me because i'm me, until they decide to "introduce" themselves and start to disappoint.

one of the things great about my dad treating me as the epitome of failure is that i've developed a good enough work ethic, otherwise, i wouldn't have lasted this long. i can't please everybody. damnit, i can't even manage to please my own father so at work i don't really even try. besides, i've always had an attitude problem even before i got this gig. it's amazing how i come across as loving, sweet or funny when i've been angry for the most part of my life. thank God i am able to project a semblance of happiness.
i'd like to think i'm doing great at what i do and to a certain degree, Nathan can't manage without me. he tells me all the time. it's funny how someone not related to you can appreciate your most minute efforts but not even come close to the standards of your own flesh and blood.
most days, not just some days, i do wish that my father had the cancer and Nathan didn't. Nathan helps a great number of people. Nathan is down to earth. and my dad . . .


. . . makes my life a living hell.

it makes me wonder and i always say this, especially during times Nathan had to go on chemotherapy that i felt like God was setting a bad precedent. it sounds spiteful and almost blasphemous but let me explain:

Nathan doesn't really pray (he's not Catholic) at all. To my knowledge at least. But Nathan helps a lot of people. Nathan goes out of his way to try to make things better for everyone under this jurisdiction. in other words, when he said he is accountable for everything that happens in the site, he meant it.

meanwhile, my father prays. A LOT. my father is smarter than everybody else. he makes it a point to remind me everyday. ever since i can remember i've always had to prove myself to him. and i don't just say this because he's mean to me but because he's mean to everybody else. but he prays though, so that gives him the authority to think himself righteous than everybody else.

right.

ever since my mother died, and M left, i haven't talked to God as much as most people or as much as i would like to. or maybe i just ask for the wrong things.

there IS a reason for everything, i know. maybe i should stop whining and rationalizing why so many horrible people are getting it good in life while those who make it a point to respect other people get it bad.

i'm sick and tired of the whole cliche that life is unfair and good people should be unhappy.

i'm not good and i'm not even happy.

i know i shouldn't be unhappy. i know i should lighten up sometime. it's not even about being alone because my whole argument can just go circling around the whole cancer part.

damnit, i'd rather be alone and unhappy rather than be unhappy with someone, lest they infected me with it.

where was i?

i don't need someone to be happy. i like wallowing in misery. i like being angry but that doesn't mean i'm not tired of it.

it gets tiring.

i'm tired.

2.05pm