Friday, July 31, 2009

after all is said and done, it's just one big unrequited love story with a purpose to open your consciousness


i finally finished reading this graphic novel entitled Martial Law Babies. it caught my attention after Erwin Romulo wrote about it in his column. i don't really get to visit the bookstores anymore long enough to check a good book on my own so i rely on recommendations from friends and really good writers. plus, the cover was really nice and the first pages really got me hooked because it starts where the two main characters, allan and rebecca, are blogging. they're bloggers like me.

i appreciated the sarcasm of the book and how i am supposed to relate to it because it was written by someone from my generation about my generation. it spoke truly of what the people from that generation feel like that i wish i wrote it myself. it got really close to home, especially about this neverending chasing going on with allan and rebecca. it was swell reading it, then it hit me, hard: damnit, this sounds awfully familiar. oh, i know why, this has been happening to me for the greater part of my adolescent and adult life.

while it is both entertaining and informative because it speaks to this generation about ours, i got disappointed, not with the book but with the way the situation is here in this country right now. so many people leave because they feel this country doesn't have what it takes to get on its feet. so many people are disillusioned because too many stupid people are running this place. and yes, too many smart men are running after insipid women.

i like the book. the love story is both cute and irritating, but only because i can relate to it so well.

YOU: what does your generation have to say?

Saturday, July 25, 2009

cubao nostalgia

i helped a friend get a ride going to this bar called Kuber to meet her sister. she hails from the south so she had no idea how to get there coming from Cubao so i assisted her. we didn't get lost. by the time i got her a ride i realized it was a long long walk back to my terminal going to where i live. good thing they now offer this free shuttle coming from ali mall going back to gateway which saved me the adventure of walking back to farmers market where my terminal is.

so much has changed since i last went to cubao. i go here sparingly; to think that i stayed here for the most part of my childhood, studying in one of them exclusive schools for girls and lesbians. it felt weird walking those streets with her, seeing establishments that weren't there before.

i remember sneaking out of school while waiting for my ride home to go to National Bookstore just so i can check out books or to the record bar section of SM Shoemart. they're renovating, by the way, and it's hilarious. it was already big enough a playground as it was and they're making it bigger! imagine me and my blue&white uniform getting out of either cambridge or oxford streets and walking all the way to SM or National or just checking out what used to be the Fiesta Carnival. before we'd used to wait for COD to start their Christmas show. i don't know where COD is anymore or if it still stands where it used to be.

i never got the hang of gateway, although having coffee there is nice and their food court has couches. i also checked out Cubao X or what we knew then to be just Marikina Shoe Expo. now that whole block doesn't just sell shoes anymore! they have this really neat bar called MOGWAI where Sam and our other friends drink a lot and a tattoo shop and other things. of course, my friend and i were walking like two foreigners: her, the girl from the south and me, the girl from the north who hasn't been there in a decade. seriously, i've only been there very few times to actually scrutinize the place. we were a bad case of blind leading the blinder. haha.

so much has changed from the cubao i used to roam before after school while waiting for my sundo. of course, farmers market is still farmers market. but there are just so many call centers and coffee shops and boutiques and restaurants there now it doesn't seem to be the same place. it's not the cubao i grew up in anymore. i don't hate change. i just don't like the uncomfortable feeling of having to adjust that goes with it. places are like people - when you get used to something, someone, that's not there anymore, you look for it, you miss it and wish things could go back to being the way they were. anyway, i digress.

i will visit cubao again, just for the hell of it. see what it's like now, with the changes so that when my friend needs to go there again, i wouldn't be as lost.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

i am a serious writer

i recently had two of my poems published in a magazine catering to call centers. i sent them a combination of mushy and serious shit i wrote over the last couple of years but they managed to print only the ones they thought people would to like read. translation: the ones relating to love. fart.

while i don't really consider myself that mushy or shallow, i do have my moments and i have proof of such pathetic behavior published here, i would like to be remembered about the more serious stuff i write about. the sad part about these magazines is that, the ones who are willing publish you, will only put out the shit you are ashamed to show other people. the ones who are into more serious stuff, don't think you're good enough.

the story of my life.

i never really thought of myself as brilliant, especially when it comes to writing. some people appreciate my writing, some don't, some pretend to know what they're talking about so they diss the shit and some people just don't really know shit so they pretend to like it. friends do that sometimes, they lie.

when i want an honest answer, i go to those whom i firmly believe in and look up to so when they do give me constructive feedback i try to let it sink in and write some more to see where i can improve on. they normally like the stuff i put out, except i can't really get the whole unfinished ending that gets you in the end. i've had too many non-closures in my life so i would be the best person to write about it, but i don't want people reading to see that. when i want to feel good, i try to show what i've written to people whom i think will flatter me because they're not as good or not as in to writing as i am so when they read something, it automatically passes as good. so sorry, am a bad person with bad writing who wants to feel good.

i also get comments for being perpetually angry and depressed which really comes out when i write. i've also been accused of being a copycat. just because i'm also smart and sarcastic it doesn't mean i'm imitating someone. it just means that like her, i have glasses which help me see the world better, meaning, not as perfect as we try to imagine it to be. we wish it were, but it is not.

i am grateful that i got published. at least, other than this shit, i have an opportunity to show my pain to other people who may feel the same way but just can't put them into words and reading me might inspire them to do the same. maybe not on paper but on other media. or better yet, say it to the person you feel pain for. what do you have to lose? i asked thomas out, and in really vague terms, i did sort of tell him how i felt. now, i don't feel that way about him anymore but it felt right at the time to grope about it so i typed mercilessly on my keyboard until the pain in my chest was gone. torpe ako eh.

it would be nice to really write as great as the people i look up to. if i could be half as good as they are, i would really be elated. but i'm not. so i have this shit to practice on until the people whom i think matter would notice how serious i am.

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

ask me to ask you to stay

i have to make the most of the time that we still have. and your schedule sucks. big time. i only get to see you 2 or 3 days in a week. bummer. i'm lucky if i see you 4 times a week.

i never really used you to get over him. seriously. i think i've told you more than once that i have liked you from afar. then it kinda changed when you and i became friends. now i don't want us to be friends. if i had only known the definition of that damned word "rebadge", i would've made friends with you sooner. if i had known that you'll leave, i would've been the first to say, "Hi!"

And I was lost for words
In your arms
Attempting to make sense
Of my aching heart
If I could just be
Everything and everyone to you
This life would just be so easy

Not enough time for all
That I want for you
Not enough time for every kiss
And every touch and all the nights
I wanna be inside you

We will make time stop
For the two of us

Not enough time for all
That I want for you
Not enough time for every kiss
Not enough time for all my love
Not enough time for every touch
- Not Enough Time, INXS

i remember this episode from Dawson's Creek (yes, yes, i am a closet Pacey fan) where Joey was supposed to paint a mural (isn't it redundant when you say "paint a mural" when a mural means a painted wall or ceiling? anyway . . . ) and Pacey was already about to set sail to go somewhere. Joey was taking too long in deciding what to put on the wall so Pacey made the decision for her.


when will you ask me that? i know i have nothing to offer. i can't really stop you from leaving or making a decision that will make your life better. you always say that you have nothing to offer but your body, and you say that it's not a good looking body at that, but if you could only see what i see, you'd understand why i'd want you to stay. i see a loving and sweet young man. naive, but not stupid. if you only believe in yourself the way i believe in you. you should really give yourself more credit. you can really make me laugh. i will really miss the conversations that we have if you go.

so, please, ask me, to ask you, to stay.

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

here one day, gone one night.

The King of Pop is dead.

when i first heard about it, i was on a cab, really exhausted from work, on my way to meet some friends who were drinking after shift so i didn't really pay much attention. of course, i should've just slept instead of following them, but i had to do one of them a favor by gracing her with my presence. moral support.

much has been said about Michael over the years during his lifetime, most of it having nothing to do with the fact that he's a total performer or that he's inspired millions with his music or that he's helped so many people by using his celebrity into getting people to focus on hunger, poverty, sickness that has plagued this earth.

i'm not really a fan-fan, although i may have been one when i was younger. the 80s isn't exactly the decade most people want to remember. but the music of Michael Jackson is definitely one for the books. for what it's worth, we cannot deny the legacy his music has left us. it is a shame that by nature, people would rather remember the bad rather than the good about other people. Michael is the perfect example of one who has become the victim of just that.

I'm Starting With The Man In
The Mirror
I'm Asking Him To Change
His Ways
And No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
Take A Look At Yourself, And
Then Make A Change