Wednesday, June 24, 2009

is it so bad if i . . . ?

i asked my work friends for some time off. it's weird that i have to ask considering knowing that i am used to being alone and being my friends, they should know. well, some of them do. some need to be explained to before they can get it.

part of my job description requires dealing with a lot of people, most of them i don't really want to talk to. i just need to deal with them. and i do. even when i don't want to anymore. i don't really have a problem talking to anyone. that's one of my nicer traits, i'd like to think. gets me into trouble sometimes but mostly provides a lot of goodwill. Nathan checks on me regularly just to make sure that i don't get burned out at work so he REQUIRES me to take days or even weeks off. not really the kind i asked of him before, when i went to take the exam. he wants me to take a real vacation. i never really get that. sometimes i think i don't deserve it, when i do. he asks me about my love life too. occasionally.

before i went to bed yesterday afternoon i texted the two men in my life: the guy i am currently fond of and the guy i wish to forget. now while i'm not really using this guy to forget this other guy, i tend to, but then he mentions him every once in a while so i don't have to think about him. makes sense?

yes, yes, it's confusing. let's use codes. Guy A is Michael Lotion, Guy B is . . . uh, let's call him "Sam" for the time being, until i can figure something out.

so i met Sam and his friends formally the monday after Michael goes over to Trinoma. and we all want to forget trinoma. it's done. if there was something at trinoma, if there was potential after trinoma, whatever i may have said or did, wouldn't change anything. nothing happened after trinoma. and Michael.

so Sam and i have been hanging out ever since and he's been very sweet and candid and much as i hate to admit it, he has grown on me. he's adorable whereas Michael is the epitome of pain and suffering and potential energy. in short, NADA. ZILCH. NOTHING. he is useful professionally and will flirt whenever he gets the chance. but that's just it. you either make a move or you don't. i'd like to think i have tried to make all things possible with Michael. he doesn't want me. he probably does but all i see is evidence to the contrary. i wish my friends would let it go. besides, it would've been nice if all that potential were transformed into kinetic energy. i am NOT a fucking mindreader. but Sam. despite all his shortcomings, Sam is cute and sweet and nice and he has managed to distract me from all this shit with Michael. i am now able to last a day without seeing Michael. of course, i do get my moments.

just like yesterday. Sam and i practically spent the whole day together, when we weren't working. we were just hanging out and i love the fact that we did just that. there's something about Sam's innocence, his pure and unselfish, unadulterated heart that makes him lovable. it is also very attractive. and sexually stimulating. but anyway, i digress. there was something nice about just having to sit down and talk and not have to explain this and that or quarrel (Michael and i used to have a lot of these, and quarrel in between, with emphasis on "USED TO") about something petty. i don't even have expectations that we will end up romantically, which is probably what is on most people's dull insipid heads. why put malice when there's nothing there? i am simply enjoying his company. i'd like to think he enjoys my company too. we miss each other. =] then i see this white skinny cat. of all my lesbian friends and exs, i remember Michael. weird, right?

ayokong matuwa kasi baka masaktan lang ako. baka hanap-hanapin ko tapos parang mauulit lang din 'yung nangyari dun sa isa, mawawala lang. sayang.

i still "love" Michael". i do. i still can't dream about him naked beside me, and i still consider the idea that if i were to indeed tie the noose, err, knot, i would gladly stranggle myself with him. i just can't deal with mediocrity. you either have balls or you don't.

i am starting to like Sam. there's something innately attractive about stupidity that i can't let go. i should know. i've been stupid. and the young man has balls. i just can't get over the whole age thing. but the lad has balls and quick thinking. he has his own ways.

so would it be so bad if i just disappear? that way i don't have to deal with the people who make a big deal about me and Michael or about me and Sam. some people just can't let it go. i never really realized how mundane other people's lives are until they started talking about me again, in relation to men. it's been a while.

i just need to be alone right now. to think. that way i don't hurt anyone special to me. or continue to hurt myself. is that asking too much?

Saturday, June 20, 2009

we provide . . . leverage

i'm currently hooked on this new show on AXN. i find it interesting and i make sure i'm not doing anything at home sunday nights at 7pm when it shows reruns of the monday episode. i love the whole "doing the wrong thing for the right reasons", modern day Robinhoods bit.


Leverage follows a Los Angeles-based team of thieves, computer experts and con artists, headed up by former insurance investigator Nate Ford, who use their skills to right corporate and governmental injustices inflicted on common citizens.

i've always had a crush on Timothy Hutton and Gina Bell was hilarious in Coupling. the storyline is amazing and each episode never fails to amuse me. i am hooked. i especially like Beth Riesgraf's character, Parker. she doesn't have a last name, she seems indifferent and yet, she is very cunning at what she does. all of them are con artists. and they're really great con artists. not to mention, Christian Kane, whom i last saw in the series Angel as the evil-turned-good lawyer Leslie, is a highly skilled martial artist. i especially like it when he has flashbacks of how he was trapped in this or that situation. Aldis Hodges is really cute as the internet geek. his humor is sarcastic. i like it.

as usual, i have really poor tv show reviewing skills which is why i believe i can never be the great writer that i wish to be. i'm just relying on my goodwill and cute looks to make you want to see it too. so check it out. you might like it.

Friday, June 19, 2009

is this what you need, is this what you need? is it?

i went out with my friends, all of us single ladies, to drink, forget, talk, see some bands. not necessarily in that order. i wanted to know what the new Rivermaya sounded like. i wanted to see Raimund's new band. i wanted to see Ciudad again. i wanted them to meet my best friend Ace of Bagetsafonik.

i can't remember much right now, although i do remember being mildly drunk. i do remember a long table full of single women, with my best friend being the only man and his girlfriend is not around. =]

i just needed a break. i could've gone there on my own and didn't have to drag all my other friends to go on leave just so i could be there. i just really wanted to be off work.

i thought of you. i thought of him. it's funny how i try to avoid conversations which would segue into you but i have to move on. it just hurts. i don't think i need this shit. especially not from you.

so Ace and the bagetsafonik boys choir performed songs from their debut album as well as new songs you only hear live until they decide they want to record again. i was very proud of Ace. their new songs are very meaningful, deep. i can't think of the right words. i did understand what he said while he was singing despite the fact that i'm inebriated.

Ciudad also played and it's amazing that Mikey still remembers me even if we met each other over at Emerald Avenue ages ago. like when we were still both working at call centers from that vicinity. they played Dessie Belle for me.

i also finally got to see the new Rivermaya without Bamboo, without Rico, without the reality show vocalist winner. i was so sure that that wasn't him. this was cuter, i'd like to think. they started the gig and surely i wouldn't be THAT drunk yet. i could close my eyes and see Rico Blanco. sorry dude, i really liked you. but for purposes of that gig, you sounded just like him.

i didn't get to pay attention to Raimund's new band Gaijin, although they were multi-racial and interesting. by then we were already having this conversation about the IT boy's trip to trinoma and how do you know if it's a booty call or not or who is a walking boobie or not, which really bored me, honestly, so i amused myself by drinking more hard drinks and taking potshots at Ace. i love my friends but that topic is really, REALLY getting old.

after the show, i had more drinks, we talked some more and headed to the nearest Mister Kebab store. i remember us dropping Ace at Big Sky where he proceeded to get more drunk.

i needed this. i needed to be away from you. i needed to see my best friend so he can give me some clarity. i needed to think of him,, that other guy, differently.

as Ace sang in Airports,

"you are denial, yes, you are

you'll go, you'll go, you'll go

don't say we won't get hurt
say instead that we'll be worth it"

are you worth it? maybe. maybe not.

Monday, June 08, 2009

not trying to be Julia Roberts in Notting Hill, just being me

i miss you. i miss hanging out with you. i miss smoking with you and talking to you. i know it can never go back to the way they were. i know you will never feel the way i feel about you. you don't even believe me when i say i do but i miss you. i miss the part where we were friends, before i told you how i felt about you.

exploring my options now, actually. but i can't help it, i still think about you. you still manage to penetrate my subconscious.

i know i said i won't bring it up. i know i told you that i will try my best to be professional around you. here i am, trying. the operative word is trying.

so please consider this a message from one colleague to another, telling him that i miss the friend i fell in love with.