Friday, January 30, 2009

it's amazing how people show you that you matter to them, even if in a weird way

So I guess I'm not the only stalker around here now, am i?

That or people can never be trusted. But that's a given already. I trust people to a fault because I think the good in everybody until they disappoint me.

Sadly, everybody turns out to be a big disappointment. I'm just gonna keep my thoughts to myself . . .

And the rest of the world. nyahahahahaha

So you do care, you presumptuous bastard. (I say these words because I can - are you sure I'm the only one who calls you these things?)

My idea of free speech and I am fully aware that with freedom comes responsibility, is that you are secure and you are entitled to say what you want and to think what you want to think regardless of what everybody else says and thinks, as long as you hold yourself accountable for the consequences once you say them out loud. It's protected by the Constitution, for crying out loud! Everyone is entitled to their opinion; those are your personal thoughts and feelings and nobody has the right to say that they're wrong or that you are stupid for feeling what you feel because they are entirely yours. You're probably the only person who thinks I'm referring to you. Even if it really is really you.

If everybody had to ask permission whenever they had an idea or a feeling about something or someone then what the hell is the right for? Do I need to ask permission from you when I talk about you? How I loathe the idea that you're this constant thought in my head because of how mysteriously amazing you are, even when you're an ass?

Again, the question is, why do you care? You don't. You just like the idea of giving people a hard time when you're not even careful about what you say or how you say it and how it would affect other people or if you hurt somebody. So why should I care if you're affected? You said so yourself, you don't care. So why should I?

ang kulit mo rin, ano?

Next question: why do I matter? Why would you even waste time to check if this was about you. Explain. I got time. You obviously had time to read this, explain it to me so I don't have to stress out on it so much. It gets tiring thinking about a person that way, you know.

I must confess, I am flattered. Paranoid, yes, but flattered.

While laughing my ass off.

kilig na rin ng konti. konti lang ha?

I'm not doing this just to ruin somebody's peaceful life with my careless mind. Am i being defensive? No, you simply misunderstood me. AGAIN.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

we had the same name

i've only met her about a total of three times but we did correspond online and every now and then she'd read my blog and leave a note or two. i met her through my best friend, ace.

recently i found out through the worldwide web that she succumbed to aneurysm, just like Wolfmann did. it's sad that i learned about it that way.

i'm not going to be a hypocrite. i'm not going to make up stuff about how nice she was, because she is, she was to me. she complimented me on my writing and even told me how she wanted to become a lawyer. she encouraged me to keep on praying and studying and writing. she smiled and said hi to me whenever i did pop into one of her and ace's gigs. those encounters were brief but they meant something to me. we may not have been close the way ace was close to her and i may never be close to my best friend again the way they were. but she left a mark in me, with her voice, with her writing, with her soul.

ever since i used the nickname i never liked using my second name anymore and only allowed those close to me to call me by it. i thought that person was weak and stupid and everything about myself that i don't want to recall. i've gotten used to the nickname.

"You're my tukayo. You're strong enough not just to survive tiredness, lonliness and stress, but you'll kick ass. I know it.

The moon told me this about me, sharing names, the moon must have been talking about you too. :)
- 012608

but just so i can honor you, my sister, i will be strong because you believed in me that i am, despite the fatigue, the depression. i will not be ashamed of my name, Anabel.

Monday, January 12, 2009

i am not in the box and even if i was i refuse to be in there

i don't like feeling this way. i don't like thinking about you.

for starters, i don't like being called,"shit", even if it was meant to be a joke. i prefer bitch. did you get that?

i AM a flirt. you just happen to be really really dense. and you're deaf too.

Take time to realize
This all can pass you by

But I can't spell it out for you,
No its never gonna be that simple
No I can't spell it out for you

If you just realize what I just realized,
Then we'd be perfect for each other
And will never find another
Just realize what I just realized
We'd never have to wonder if
We missed out on each other now

It's not the same
No it's never the same
If you don't feel it to
If you meet me half way
If you would meet me half way
It could be the same for you

some part of me believes that this will soon fade, just like the other crushes that i've had before. and then there's some part of me that just wants to stop the whole pattern with you. because i want to be with just you now.

i refuse to believe that i matter to you, even when there's a remote possibility that you just might, you know, like me to be more than your friend. i refuse to believe that you have this effect on me. i refuse to see the many coincidences and instances where you make me feel that i am more special than everybody else. that may just be an occupational hazard. or you may just treat everybody else the same way and i just don't know about it.

a friend remarked and God knows how long she waited for her to be able to say this back to me, that i don't really notice these things because, "i'm in the box" and i don't see that i am falling for you or that you do like me, possibly, that way, but that she can, because she's an outsider.

that felt good to say back to me, huh? kinda like a subtle "i told you so". i don't think so. we may be having sooo many of these conversations about you, while you, you bleeping son of your mother you, are just chilling, not a care in the world. hell, even with all these comments that spew out of your mouth about me, you probably couldn't care less.

and i fucking hate it.

it was better with everywhere boy. i don't know. maybe he was that stupid so even if we had these really nice conversations, i never went home feeling sorry for myself that i liked him. he was articulate yet gullible and sarcastic like myself. when he says something, i genuinely knew he cared, about me, what he thought of me and what i thought about him. my opinion actually mattered to him and i'd like to think he respected me for what i do. while you, you bleeping son of your mother you, you always have to win whenever you argue with me. you always have to argue period. you always have this brilliant condescending comment to piss me off.

you're magnificent.

you're funny, you're smart, you don't care about what people think about you, you frigging asshole.

i don't want you to go. i don't want us to both lose our jobs considering we're both fucking addicted to them so i just pray, yes, i said pray, that this feeling would go away.

because it is pretty lonely inside the box.

Friday, January 09, 2009

of vampires and solitude

there is something absolutely fascinating about vampires. not the evil eternal hunger for living blood part, the whole constantly searching a worthy companion for intellectual intercourse part.

blame it on Anne Rice and Angel, the series, but i can totally relate with the whole alone part.

i think the reason i'm so into vampires is the fact that i'm mostly alone and in constant search of someone to be with and talk to. they're very asexual beings, in that it doesn't matter who you're with, as long as you have a companion. i don't really mind being alone, having gotten used to it. you could even blame M or that movie with Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy, Before Sunset, because those were really nice conversations to have with someone. there is that feeling to have to perpetually be with someone to talk to, that i kinda miss and look for. i'm pretty self-sufficient although i do long for the quiet walks and long talks.

still searching for the i-can-talk-about-anything-under-the-sun type. we don't always have to agree. just agree to disagree. well, maybe not under the sun, since they'll burn to death. just someone in the same wavelength.

conversations kill sometimes. the need to share ideas, even the most trivial of them, it amazes me and bothers me sometimes. i once said that there are times when the conversations i have with myself are better than the ones i have with actual people but it would be nice to actually talk to somebody, right? if there would be one sensible enough to argue with over coffee and a pack of cigarettes, i would probably last a lifetime without sex.

okay, that last part was bullshit but i do think it makes sense. gravity will set in and every part of the human body that people found alluring about you will sag but that thing in your head that allows you to voice out your opinions, given that it's sharp enough, will always be there and you and your companion have all the time in the world to explore other things beside the carnal aspect of your relationship.

a vampire is always alone. hungry for blood, yes, and we don't really forget the whole taking of another's life to survive part. but in their search for the perfect companion to share eternal damnation with, they do learn a lot of things and get wiser with age. they make great conversationalists; or at least, Lestat and Angel were. they weren't just beautiful blood-sucking creatures, they were intelligent beings you could really talk to. and the topics wouldn't just be about how great it is to kill someone or how pale their skin is.

guess i am a vampire too. maybe not quick, strong, beautiful or immortal with really pointed fangs. just really alone.