Wednesday, December 30, 2009

good distraction frees you from emotional pain

just when i thought i was cured, i am back to being numb again. after AVATAR and watching reruns of Dexter Season 1 where after the lone being who can accept his true self, Dexter had to kill his elder brother Brian in order to save his foster sister Debra, i haven't been able to cry again. ugh.


so i decided to try to do the following things beginning of this new year, and this is not like a bunch of new year's resolutions i don't intend to keep. i won't even be calling them that. i will call them things that i will do to distract me from all the pain that i can't handle. acknowledging them is one thing, but i need to express them too, otherwise, i'll implode:

1.i've always wanted to learn french and i never really got to start since my Dad didn't want me to;

2. we have a punching bag at home that i kick occasionally when i'm pissed off at my life. now i'll try to hit it some more;

3. i've said it here before that my only real sport would be running and every thing else is just a hobby to pass the time since when i walk or run, i get to think more so i got myself a pair of running shoes so i can go jogging with my friends;

4. i have a badminton racquet and i intend to use it;

5. i miss going out on gigs and maybe now that i don't have a curfew and nobody will be giving me a hard time about listening to rock bands, i just might just go and use up my leave days;

6. i'll write again, just like what i'm doing now. blog. blog. blog. write till all the pain has gone or at least diminished;

7. i have not read all the books and listened to all the cds that i want to listen to. maybe now i can. i should. i will.

i can't stop thinking about you. i know i should be dealing with the affairs of my life and getting the most out of it. i know i should be working my ass off. i know i should be thinking of someone else. you are only adding up to the pain i keep and the bad thing about it is that, you're just being the wonderful you. you are only making it hard for me by being very sweet and thoughtful and caring. you are not helping me. you are the distraction that i want so much to be consumed in (or is it "by"?), i want to drown in that feeling and come out alive. i know you can never feel the same way so i get by and try to make do with what you give me. but you're not making it easy. you're making it so difficult to forget you, or at least accept the fact that i can only be your friend.

hindi na muli madadala sa'yong mga ngiti . . . kelangan ko ng bakasyon. maaari bang magpahinga ang puso ko? patalon-talon sa tuwing nabibitin sa kung ano ba at alin

- Bakasyon by Peryodiko

i am so used to this. i've been here sooo many times that i need whacking in the head already. rejection junkie me so distracted i'll try my best to be. i need to get my head off you.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009


i can't do this.

it doesn't feel like the holidays for me because i'm alone. not raining on anyone's parade but you can't, really can't expect me to be cheerful. i'm an orphan. i have no idea where i'm going to start about fixing my life. it doesn't help when there seems to be a whole lot that i have to fix.

i apologize if i can't, don't, won't try to go along with the holiday spirit. i've always been angry and now i have perfectly good reason to. everyone gets to be with their families while i'm looking for someone who'd be fine with having me with them and at the same time, they're not too atrocious themselves. now while i would have loved to be with family, like blood family, i can't. i was trained to be too distant to them that even if they give me their whole heart, i can't begin to trust them, much less interact with them for more than 30minutes. gaaad, i can't stand them for more than five.

don't get me wrong. i have wonderful maternal and paternal families. i'm simply not close to them to try to forge a relationship now just because i'm alone. i can't. much as i'd like to, i wasn't built that way. also, i like to avoid comments on weight and spinsterhood as much as i can.

i can't work either. i want to work. takes the load off. takes the pressure off. but what would i do? it's a holiday. everybody else is on holiday so whatever it is that they would require me to submit can wait until they get back from their vacation.

i have relatively enough money. too bad all that relatively enough money cannot buy you happiness. artificial happiness has a tendency to wear off. hell, even real happiness is eventually followed by sadness.

and obviously, i am not seeing anyone. i am pining for someone yes, but the feeling is not mutual. he doesn't see me that way. talk about adding insult to injury.

i don't have any reason to feel better. i am having difficulty expressing any emotion aside from disgust, frustration, depression. i want to try to be happy, or cheerful for the holidays but all circumstances point to the contrary. i feel empty so i won't even bother to try.

i hope everyone is blessed this season. i hope everyone will continue to be blessed this coming year. i hope to be happier. but for now, nah.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

how the movie AVATAR cured my temporary inability to cry

you don't, you don't, you don't see me
you don't, you don't, you don't see me
you don't, you don't, you don't see me
you don't see me at all

3 Libras, A Perfect Circle


the movie is set in the year 2154. this is why James Cameron is such a pompous ass. the man has not made a movie since the Titanic. and that was ages ago. back then the technology couldn't match his vision. when it finally caught up, we now see the benefits of such and it has put us all in awe with this masterpiece. ironically, the movie's plot tells us or has implied to us that in the pursuit of higher technology, we have destroyed our world and have gone on to destroy other environments as well. go figure.

"i see you . . . " - Neytiri

" . . . i see you" - Jake Sully

i can't help it, i fell in love with the romantic aspect of the film. i related to the fact that for the most part of my life, all the people i fell in love with never saw me in the way that i wanted them to. haha.

i always said that i cry at the weirdest times and the director of Terminator 2 has successfully done so when i was experiencing a drought in my tear glands. the only other person is Joss Whedon.

i want to see it again. i don't mind shelling out P400 to sit through 3 hours with a weird pair of glasses over my spectacles. i felt it, every second of it. i don't mind crying over and over again.

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

the title was catchy and it reminded me of you


i bought this book while trying to walk off the 3 bottles of beer i drank to forget about you.

lesson 1: alcohol was not invented to induce amnesia. some people use it as an excuse but apparently it doesn't work for me.

lesson 2: do not read a book or any form of literature after the intake of alcohol. it will make your head ache.

lesson 3: you can't really try to impress a guy who doesn't drink by drinking alcohol. especially if he's already expressed disdain over you drinking, when he knows fully well that he's the reason you started drinking to begin with.

lesson 4: catchy title doesn't always mean good book. it may amuse you for a while but when you're used to a particular form of writing, you kinda prefer that over what you're reading right now.

lesson 5: you won't really score points with a guy you want to date when you quote words from the book that make him feel what a big ass he is.

in all fairness to the writer of this book, i was pretty amused. it made for good reading on my trip going to tagaytay and back, in between drinks. in reading i didn't really realize that there was a prequel and a sequel (akalain mo yun, trilogy pa siya!)

the book is about Karl Vladimir Lennon Villalobos (can't imagine how life was for him in first grade, learning how to write his name and all) and his quasi-relationship with a girl named Jen. i say "quasi" since he and Jen are friends with benefits until Intoy (yes, that is his nickname) eventually falls for Jen only he's too proud to actually admit it to her. see, Intoy's not that attractive and Jen's like this boy magnet so it was unlikely that they hooked up, even just for the sex. she found him amusing and they had this special arrangement in between classes (which explains the title, Ligo na U, Lapit na Me), only, Intoy wasn't Jen's only playmate. she was also giving "benefits" to somebody else.

that's it. the plot is simple and relatable. in this day and age, a lot of people can be friends with benefits. the most unlikely people can be doing it without you even knowing it. what drew me to the book, other than the fact that it reminded me so much of this guy i like and his never ending eee-ssues, is how honest the writer was. i mean, this could happen to you. anybody can fall in love, in the most unlikely time and place with the most unlikely person and it will hit them before they can even spell their name.

will i buy the prequel and the sequel after reading the book? i don't know. maybe i will, maybe not. i do have a preference for books that are written in english, not taglish. not that i have anything against Filipino writers who write in the vernacular. i admire these writers. i just have a preference. also, most middle books (or movies, The Two Towers, New Moon - and i don't even read Twilight!) are usually boring because they just connect the beginning and the end but with this book, i never felt it was in the middle. it can stand by itself, although i didn't really like the ending because you knew you had to buy the sequel to know what happened next: what happened to Jen? will Intoy and Jen ever get back together as mutual beneficiaries? who is the father of Jen's baby? is it really somebody else or did she just say that because she's afraid to admit that she's fallen for Intoy? shit like that.

i'm sorry if you get a little peeved when i read quotes from the book that remind you how shitty your life is. i didn't get you into this mess, YOU DID. sometimes, irritating you is the closest i can come to buffering my own pain. because i love you, you idiot. but you, you, you just can't put a leash on your member, hence, you're in this shit. the worst part is, i love you for it, damaged, wonderful, brilliant and all, and i will embrace all these issues that go with you because that's what made you the strong character in this page of my book.

no, i'm not waiting for you to say that to me. i hate it when people talk and text like that. but i find you cute when you say it.

Friday, November 27, 2009

i was just supposed to apologize for being a selfish bitch, i didn't have to tell you i'm in love with you

i put it out there. the rest is up to you.

i've always been transparent. while i don't have the best eyes (hidden most of the time by my spectacles. that or people pay more attention to my nose), people can see right through them. of course i always say that my normal operation is angst, but it is true, my eyes give me away when i'm depressed. happy. pissed off.

so it's no surprise that you saw right through me and how depressed i was when you told me. not that i wanted to make it about me. i just couldn't be the friend that i should've been to you after finding out. i was too in to my own pain. and that's not right. that's not even me. because i should've been there for you. you need me. even if it's just the friend version of me.

i couldn't really apologize why i thought i was selfish for not being there for you without explaining why. it'll come right out of my mouth eventually anyway. or you might have noticed. but then you're dense so i may have to spit it out.

that i've fallen in love with you.

yeah, yeah, bels has said this about sooo many guys sooo many times. how is this different?

because i may stand to lose it all just by feeling this way. you don't have to reciprocate. God knows you won't but i'm hoping. the mere act of feeling is death by itself. because to be amused by you is forbidden.

anyway, by the time i realized what a big klutz i am, i already said it and can't take it back. i felt better after. i'm not normally that candid anymore. of course now it will be more awkward when i see you. i have no regrets.

there's so much shit surrounding you that i doubt you'd even notice i exist or see me the way i want you to. i'm happy with what you give me and i'm content.

like they say in showbiz, i could be happier though.

hopefully, just like all the storms in my life, this too shall pass.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

that does it.

let's just face it: i'm not cool enough for you.

we've known each other for what? too long for me i guess and it didn't really sink in to me until a few months back i just didn't have the time to rant about it.

well, now that my dad is dead, i have time.

took me a while to realize that all this time, i've been the only one pushing for us to have this so-called friendship. i've been here the longest, i've known you the longest of all your friends. it's amazing how you acknowledge me when i feel like for the most part you're just being polite. because it has been so long and i've been here for so long.

i'm not ranting because i'm still in love with you. God knows i'm over that, i'm so over you that way. i just can't help but think about how i'm always there for you, how i perpetually go out of my way to support you throughout all of your endeavors and you just, hell, you just fucking take it for granted.

you're either just too busy, too special or you have too high for standards that i don't fit the mold of the kind of friend you want to have.

i mean it, you're an ass. you ask me sometimes, why the hell do i even bother to stay? i always say that you have the potential to be a great friend, brother, lover. you're always there for everyone. everyone but me.

i will never be good enough for you. except maybe for that one particular time and it pains me that you were vulnerable and stupid at that time. it's like i'm okay THAT way to you, but not for anything else.

God, you can probably write the yellow pages and it will sound like a symphony to me. i've always thought so highly of you that i've made a doormat out of myself all these years. that's how i appreciate you, your talents, your humongous potential to be great. if only we can translate all that potential to kinetic energy where you can be there when i need you for a change.

end of friendship na 'to. if you're there, you're there, thanks a lot. if you're not there, well, i've been so used to your absence anyway. it's so depressing because everyone seems to think you're this great guy but when it comes to me, you treat me like a piece of shit. and i call you my best friend. right. there's your cue to be polite. because you acknowledge the fact that i say it, but you're never it. you were never the friend that i hoped you would be. sometimes, yeah, i can give you that, but not for the most part.

it's just too sad. with my dad passing, i realized that i'm such a great friend to so many people because i could feel the love when i needed it most. they were there for me, as i have been there for them. they acknowledged the fact that i am great, that i am loving that they felt the need to give it back when they thought i needed it. i felt it. from them and not from you.  you whom i valued so much, my absentee best friend.

i don't need this shit. especially not from you.

Saturday, November 07, 2009

why do i always end up singing this song?

like i have mentioned before, i don't want to be amused with you. i don't want to rationalize your behavior around me or what you do to my head whenever i'm with you. i refuse to give in to what people say about us, what they think or what runs through my head about what could be between us.

i am not allowed to be amused with you.

so as much as it hurts, i wouldn't not mind you not being with me. i want you to be happy, even if it means, you being happy with someone else.

You Don't Know Me
Jann Arden
My Best Friend's Wedding OST

You give your hand to me
And then you say hello
And I can hardly speak
My heart is beating so
And anyone can tell
You think you know me well
But you don't know me

No you don't know the one
Who dreams of you at night
And longs to kiss your lips
Longs to hold you tight
Oh I am just a friend
That's all I've ever been
Cause you don't know me

I never knew the art of making love
No my heart aches with love for you
Afraid and shy I let my chance go by
The chance that you might love me too

You give your hand to me
And then you say goodbye
I watch you walk away beside the lucky guy
Oh you will never know
The one who loves you so
Well you don't know me

You give your hand to me
And then you say goodbye
I watch you walk away beside the lucky guy
Oh you will never know
The one who loves you so
Cause you don't know me
Oh no you don't know me don't know me

so maybe i did wish for it, but i didn't expect it to be this soon

let me just say that i'm used to being alone.

i don't know where to start. some part of me wanted this, yes, i won't try to deny it. i have been very vocal about my anger, my unhappiness, my resentment towards my dad. but i still feel bad. i still feel sad about losing him.

i honestly thought he would live much longer to torment me, make me more angry, more miserable. but he didn't. it caught us both by surprise. knowing him, he would've wanted to stay longer, to arrange for everything, to prepare me for what is to come when he leaves. apparently not. i didn't see this coming any more than he did.

when my mother died, she looked happy. she looked like she felt relieved going because it was the end of all physical suffering. and oh my, she suffered a great deal. what with all the advances of technology, no amount of money, no discovery of science could save her from her impending death.

when i look at my father's coffin, i see a disappointed man with unfinished business: i didn't get to do this, i didn't get to finish that. will she be able to do this on her own? will she make it alone? have i done enough to equip her with tools she can use to survive?

no brain activity. no breathing. the only reason his heart was beating was because of the medicines they gave him to keep it alive. i've seen this before. i didn't like it the first time. i didn't like having to see it again.

i know i always say that i wish he were gone, that my life would probably be so much better if he weren't around. but i felt powerless seeing him in pain. i felt pain when he was in pain.

it was very frustrating not being able to do anything to alleviate his pain, not being able to stop it and make him feel better. i got so used to him doing things for me, him controlling me, telling me what to do, him preparing me for worst case scenarios if i didn't do this or that. he didn't train me for this. even if he did, i still wouldn't know if it would come out right the way he wanted. i don't think anyone can be THAT prepared.

they call it defense mechanism when you try to do something else or show some other emotion in order to hide what you're truly feeling. i heard them say that a couple of times during my mom's wake. i hear it being said now in my dad's wake. i call it being me. i always said i cry at the weirdest times.

try to see me when i'm washing the dishes. or cleaning the house. or sitting in the throne. whatever's happening right now is weird due to its abruptness and my being underprepared (is there such a word?) but not weird enough. any normal person would've cried, bawled even, at a time like this. well, in case you haven't noticed, I'M NOT NORMAL.
this may sound odd but i miss my dad. seriously. i miss him telling me stories. i miss him telling me what to do. i miss him getting mad at me for the smallest of things, for the shallowest of reasons. i miss him telling me to get married or to do something about my life. it's not sarcasm. i just got used to the idea of having him control every single detail of my life. sorry, force of habit.

i can't say i wouldn't splurge on stuff i've always wanted to get but couldn't. i can't say i won't go out and visit places i've always wanted to go to but can't. because in order to clear my head, i just might.

i've been waiting for this for sooo long, you might say: to be able to do whatever/whoever i want, to be able to go where i want without question, without restriction. i am finally free of my father's shadow, free of his expectations or perfection. i am free period.
but i can't breathe.

angry girl journal 10.22.09


i'd like to think that despite all my flaws, i wouldn't be the person i am right now. good or bad, there must be something in me that people see, or at least, that's what Nathan says, that people love and respect about me. sure there are days when i question myself and assume that there is only certain amount of reverence due to me because i am his assistant. but there are people outside of this company who find me amusing to say the least. maybe if my father wasn't as mean to me, i would've been much worse. by certain standards (or cultures), i'd like to think i turned out okay.

of course, just because they find you amusing, it doesn't necessarily follow that they would appreciate you the way you want them to. amusement wears off and i'm set aside only as a source of entertainment. besides, i always go back to: do they love me because i'm bels or do they love me because i'm Nathan's assistant?

i'm going to give people credit and assume that they like me because i'm me, until they decide to "introduce" themselves and start to disappoint.

one of the things great about my dad treating me as the epitome of failure is that i've developed a good enough work ethic, otherwise, i wouldn't have lasted this long. i can't please everybody. damnit, i can't even manage to please my own father so at work i don't really even try. besides, i've always had an attitude problem even before i got this gig. it's amazing how i come across as loving, sweet or funny when i've been angry for the most part of my life. thank God i am able to project a semblance of happiness.
i'd like to think i'm doing great at what i do and to a certain degree, Nathan can't manage without me. he tells me all the time. it's funny how someone not related to you can appreciate your most minute efforts but not even come close to the standards of your own flesh and blood.
most days, not just some days, i do wish that my father had the cancer and Nathan didn't. Nathan helps a great number of people. Nathan is down to earth. and my dad . . .

. . . makes my life a living hell.

it makes me wonder and i always say this, especially during times Nathan had to go on chemotherapy that i felt like God was setting a bad precedent. it sounds spiteful and almost blasphemous but let me explain:

Nathan doesn't really pray (he's not Catholic) at all. To my knowledge at least. But Nathan helps a lot of people. Nathan goes out of his way to try to make things better for everyone under this jurisdiction. in other words, when he said he is accountable for everything that happens in the site, he meant it.

meanwhile, my father prays. A LOT. my father is smarter than everybody else. he makes it a point to remind me everyday. ever since i can remember i've always had to prove myself to him. and i don't just say this because he's mean to me but because he's mean to everybody else. but he prays though, so that gives him the authority to think himself righteous than everybody else.


ever since my mother died, and M left, i haven't talked to God as much as most people or as much as i would like to. or maybe i just ask for the wrong things.

there IS a reason for everything, i know. maybe i should stop whining and rationalizing why so many horrible people are getting it good in life while those who make it a point to respect other people get it bad.

i'm sick and tired of the whole cliche that life is unfair and good people should be unhappy.

i'm not good and i'm not even happy.

i know i shouldn't be unhappy. i know i should lighten up sometime. it's not even about being alone because my whole argument can just go circling around the whole cancer part.

damnit, i'd rather be alone and unhappy rather than be unhappy with someone, lest they infected me with it.

where was i?

i don't need someone to be happy. i like wallowing in misery. i like being angry but that doesn't mean i'm not tired of it.

it gets tiring.

i'm tired.


Friday, October 23, 2009

the John Hughes Film Festival

they will be having a John Hughes Film Festival at the Edsa Shangrila Mall this weekend.





of course, growing up in the 80s, i adored the brat pack and the movies they made. they spoke of my generation. not to mention the music at the time really rocked. forget about the clothes, forget about the really bad hair. but the issues, the eloquence, of my generation, was something to behold. these movies are a testament to that and of John Hughes' legacy. these movies have become the basis or the prototype for all youth-oriented movies and tv shows today.

enough said. enjoy the movies.

Friday, October 16, 2009

a sick mean old bald man is still a mean old bald man

i'm supposed to be in Palawan today. or Bacolod. not sure where my friends are right now but i'm pretty sure they're having a swell time without me. i have to be here, not because work doesn't allow me to take a vacation but because my father gets a kick out of making my life miserable.

i think i've made it pretty obvious in this page that my father and i don't get along so well mainly because now that i think about it, he doesn't seem to be happy to have me as a child to begin with. if you don't like what you have, no matter how hard it is trying to meet your expectations, it will never be good enough for you.

that's how i am living right now.

of course i'd be better off if i just left, if not for the promise i made to my dying mother that i will love, respect and stay at the house to take care of my father. had i been the bad bad daughter my father thinks i am, he wouldn't really be breathing long enough to finish the sentence.

my father is great. he's put a roof over my head, educated me (to the point that i feel more like an employee than a daughter, all that information, all those policies), fed me, took care of me. he's so great he doesn't stop reminding me about it.

i am here in manila even if my friends are in bacolod because my dad is sick. he is also stubborn. he doesn't want to be confined in a hospital where nurses can attend to him and a doctor can monitor his blood sugar. he also doesn't want me to go on leave to take care of him. why? i have no idea.

what bothers me is that, for a man who is supposed to be weak and sick, he still has the strength to get mad at me for the smallest of things. i don't get it.

he thinks it's unfair if God will take him this early since he still has to prepare my future (he's been planning everything down to the littlest detail i don't really have any room for doing anything else), i still don't have a partner (like i can get one being locked in my house and in my office) and he feels that i still can't live alone.

i never really got to make any decisions of my own to begin with so i wouldn't really be able to tell if i can or cannot now, can i?

it's unfair that there are people who deserve to die but are still alive. it's unfair that many people are suffering due to calamities. it's unfair that there are wretched people out there still living, breathing and here we are.

i hate to think that even if you are a horrible father because you ask too much of your only child (whom you don't want to begin with because she won't be able to carry the family name and because you think she's not perfect enough) and you control her life as you please, when you pray and pray a lot, you will be saved and you can hold yourself more righteous than everybody else.

apparently sickness doesn't work on mean people.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

bawal matuwa

so i finally got to see Spring Awakening at the Carlos P. Romulo Auditorium. i loved it so much i watched it twice. i watched it before i went to work last Friday, then i watched the matinee show after my shift. i'm going to stop watching it, if only for financial reasons. but i am obviously addicted.

of course, i can't help but compare the actors of the local version with the original broadway cast (i have a copy of the soundtrack) especially Moritz's character, who is my favorite, but i believe that Nicco Manalo did him justice. i liked the way he told Moritz's story. kudos to the other members of the cast, especially JC Santos. it's not easy masturbating in front of hundreds of people and then resurfacing on stage kissing another guy, but i guess, that's why they're actors. they are superb at what they do. also, Nar Cabico brought shivers down my spine with his vocal prowess on the song Touch Me.


i don't want to be amused with you. i don't want to rationalize your behavior around me or what you do to my head whenever i'm with you. i refuse to give in to what people say about us, what they think or what runs through my head about what could be between us.

i am not allowed to be amused with you.

Friday, October 02, 2009

teenage angst and hormones


abortion. sadomasochism. suicide. homosexuality. incest.

those are just a few of the themes which are featured in the Broadway musical Spring Awakening.

the play was originally written in the 1800s by Frank Wedekind and due to its controversial plots, it was banned from being shown until the 1960s. that is, until Duncan Sheik and Steven Sater came in. the musical has been nominated and won 8 Tony awards including Best Musical and the OST has won Grammys.

Set in 1891, Spring Awakening is what happens when parents don’t talk to their kids openly about sex when they start asking questions so they’re forced to find out the answers for themselves; it’s what happens when parents expect too much for their kids but give so little affection for them; when parents abuse their kids physically and they feel they have no one to turn to but their friends; when academic freedom is abused by the people tasked with the responsibility of educating us; i can go on forever you know.

i am looking forward to see if the local version run at the RCBC Theater is anything like the Broadway musical. the soundtrack has got me hooked so bad it is playing in my head over and over. the music is addicting, and very much as angry as i am.

my favorite character would have to be Moritz, not just because i am badly smitten with John Gallagher, Jr. who played him in the Original Broadway cast, but because his character is more like me: hounded by the pressure to do great, always wanting to understand the unknown, always angry. i've had days when i really want to kill myself.

the play here in Manila is produced by Atlantis Productions and i do hope to see it before their run ends. i also hope to see a movie of the same title with the original broadway cast.

no, i don't like it so much i can't stop talking about it.

Friday, September 25, 2009

my mother wasn’t a stage mom

I wasn’t even allowed to sing at home. They didn’t know I could sing, at home, until a teacher told them I was supposed to represent our class.

Like most families, both my parents had to work in order for us to keep afloat. It felt like shit growing up, especially when I had classmates who always had their parents with them on school affairs. I always had one parent missing. It was a real bummer. I was an only child, and I felt more isolated that way. I had classmates whose mothers stayed and waited for them until the end of the class. They weren’t stay-at-home moms, but they weren’t working moms either. They were waiting moms. They’d chat the whole day with the other waiting moms up until their kids got out of class, and sometimes, when they had real fun chatting with the other moms, the kids could go and play some more until they were done chatting. My mother wasn’t like that. My mom had better things to do. She had to work. I had to study. I work so you can study.

Oh yeah, and money was an issue with my Dad.

I also had minimal supervision when doing homework. I’d go home, turn on the tv and work on my school assignments, while cooking rice (I could barely reach the stove then) and waiting for my parents.

My mother took a lot of pictures of me when I was growing up. It was her hobby and her source of income. I was kind of obsessed with myself back then since I was the only kid in the house and all of the albums had pictures of me. There are no new pictures in the house. It suddenly stopped, the habit, the fun, of taking pictures when she died.

But I felt how protective my mother was when I hit puberty. Can’t get out of the house, can’t play with boys, can’t stay out of the house. It made me think, well, what do you know, I have parents! They actually care, all of a sudden. While she wasn’t the fix-me-up kind of mother who dolled me up all the time, she made sure I was presentable. It took a while before I could pick out my own clothes, on my own.

I love my mom. I don’t mind that she didn’t have as much time as she wanted to spend with me. I know she’d stay longer if she could. I just thought. I just wished she could’ve stayed longer.

Monday, September 21, 2009

no, i'm afraid we can't stop time

Henry: I don't want you waiting your whole life.

i saw the movie before i got to read the book. i've heard of the book through a friend but i never really got to read the book until after my birthday. you know how it is when they turn a book into movie. they pull out all the stocks to change the covers with pictures of the stars of the movie. that went on for a while and then of course, people kept on buying the book just because of the movie because they couldn't get it without reading the book first. then the book comes out again.

watching the movie without having read the book, not having an idea what the story was about except that Eric Bana time travels and Rachel McAdams plays the woman who has to wait for him each and every time. i kinda knew what to expect.

i liked the film because it tried its best to stay true to the essence of the book in the span of an hour and a half (roughly) and it found its way into my heart despite the fact that i didn't really get to read the book first.


Clare: It's always that way, isn't it?

when i finally got to read the book, i was amazed at how the filmmakers tried to be true to the book. of course, making the movie meant skipping and editing some parts like when they did About A Boy, Bridget Jones's Diary, Harry Potter and the Lord of the Rings, to name a few books translated into the big screen. but you don't really need to read the book to cross-reference the movie.

i liked the book because, having seen the movie, it put together some of the parts they kinda skipped without missing the point. i know that didn't make much sense (just like what i'm feeling right now).

they meet halfway. in the present, Henry has no idea who Clare is when she's been waiting for him her whole life. he doesn't get to visit him until later in his future with her so that they still end up together. it's funny how time is that way. i didn't seem to get it at first.

i truly wish i could stop time or at least, go back to those things in my life i wish to change. unfortunately, like Henry, there are things you do have to witness over and over again but still feel powerless to make the difference. i don't really want to wait my whole life, just like Clare, because there are things that won't happen until you work on them for them to materialize.

in the end, time wins.

the movie doesn't end the same way the book does but i guess, it has to end some way and the audience is left hoping that some day, they will see each other again. it is a love story after all.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

I danced with a celebrity? Seriously?

So I went out with my friend Thursday night because my boss has been pressuring me to take some leave days. He knows how hard I work so encourages me to go out, reasoning that I shouldn’t let work control my life. And that’s what I did. I went out.

They didn’t have the production I usually go to every third Thursday of the month so I told my friend we’d go to wherever she thought would be fun to go to on a Thursday night. We went to this bar where they have tolerable music playing (I had to stop myself from pointing out the mistakes made by the band – they were ok, I just prefer listening to something else.) and cheap margarita pitchers. The vocalist was cute and his singing was relatively okay. I think I even remember him smiling and saying “hi!” to me after the performance. Then they played dance music and I had to stand up and dance along with my friend because I didn’t want her to look stupid dancing on her own plus the lesbian couple in the other table probably thought she was trying to seduce me with her dancing.

So the other people danced with us. Two pitchers of margarita and 3 shots of tequila later, I was just swinging and dancing my ass off. I rarely dance. If I had a choice between sitting, drinking and smoking, and dancing, I would rather not dance. Not only do I think I’m not very good at it, I think I’m already way passed that age where it’s something I like to do. So if I lost my balance and fell on the floor, which is funny, I shouldn’t feel so bad, right? It was embarrassing but my friend just kept on comforting me by saying it’s okay because Joseph Bitangcol was there to catch my fall anyway. He picked me up. literally.


After much research, I found out that he is a reality talent show discovery and then later on became an actor for a local TV network (you can tell that I don’t really follow local TV, much less have the time to check it out), was Sandara Park’s (who?)boyfriend and starred in a gay movie entitled Walang Kawala.



He was attractive and he was a good dancer, actually. I just wasn’t really paying attention. It was an experience, to say the least. He really isn’t covered in the sphere of my universe, I'm sorry.

Needless to say, I will try to avoid dancing as much as I can. Drinking is okay, as long as I don’t really let myself go. I normally have a pretty high tolerance for alcohol. It’s the dancing that’s driving me insane. I'm really not cut out for the tugish-takish scene anymore. It would've been fun if Sam was there. I wouldn't mind falling if he picked me up. If only he would pick me.

Friday, September 11, 2009

my boss has cancer. SO?

my boss was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma.

i've been wanting to write about this for the longest time but i haven't gotten any and i don't really know how to go about it. of course, i've dealt with cancer in the past. the feeling is still the same.

this is a man whom i report to. he has become like a father to me. a brother. a friend.

of course it hurts.

i hate it when people ask me if he's sick and when i ask them who their source was they can't, won't, tell me who it is. it's not like he denies it and i help him cover it up. i will tell people what it is he is sick of, only when i know i can trust them but i won't deny if somebody already knows. i just don't like them saying this or that person said but they won't give me a fucking name. what, because they're embarrassed because they don't have better things to do other than talk about other people?!

don't get me wrong. i AM grateful that there are a lot of you out there who pray for my boss and hope he gets well. we all do, trust me. it's just that, right now, i feel like that there are so many people who feign sympathy for him, or for me, for having to deal with it.

my boss is the nicest person in the planet. he has helped a great number of people. i do feel terrible because there a lot of wretched people out there that to my mind deserve to get sick more and die. everytime he has to go for treatment, i wish i was the one taking it instead. i feel that bad about it. if only i can take away his pain. just as i wish i could take away my mother's when she was still alive. but i can't. so i just have to deal.

cancer isn't some weird rumor you can talk about in the smoking area when you're out venting about your customer or your asshole/bitch boss. it's real, it's painful and it's not something you wish on people, even your worse enemy. you'd like to give people the benefit of the doubt that no matter how destructive they may be or how cruel they can become, cancer isn't something that they should have because like each and everyone of us, they may have some redeeming value. so if you don't wish cancer on bad people, what more on those of pure heart, like my boss? he has helped so many people and they have learned so many things from him, things that they bring with them even if they're not with our company anymore. i've learned a lot just working with him. he believes in me and he made me believe in myself.

my boss is sick. it's a reality. he is not dying because he is fighting it and i am grateful to each and everyone of you who are concerned that he is losing weight and that he is sick. i am thankful to all of you who pray for my boss, my work father, my brother, my friend. his family has been very supportive of him, and we, at our company are equally mindful of his health. he doesn't wish to be treated any differently now that he is sick, just as he doesn't wish to be treated any differently because he is the boss. he is getting better and we all hope that his health will continue to get better.

so for crying out loud, stop blabbing about it. talking about him like some rumor isn't going to help him, but your prayers will. i'm not making this about me, but i also don't like people to use his being sick as an excuse to get to him for some hidden agenda. just pray. pray that he gets better.

thank you.

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

there's nothing original about OPM - i don't think it's music

i am getting to be really sick and tired of what i hear on the radio. seriously, is this the best that the local music scene has to offer? a bunch of cover versions of songs we've already heard soooo many times and really cheezy tagalog versions of songs we don't really even like.

I am so pissed off with the stuff I hear whenever I commute to and from the office. Of course, by the time I go home I should be too sleepy to care but they manage to penetrate my subconscious with this really shitty, poor excuse for what they call music. And it’s so hard for the better, more original bands to get a record deal and get their song on the radio.

What aggravates me further is the radio stations. Is it absolutely necessary for these people to hear their names mentioned on national radio, like it was the only source of their being, the meaning of their existence? And these announcers, can you be any less classy? Seriously, I do believe what they say – you are what, who you listen to. If you listen (and take in) a lot of crap, it won’t be too long until you’re crap yourself. Oh yeah, you still vote for the same stupid people. You put them in Congress, you put them in the Senate, you put them in the seat of absolute power here in the Philippines and then later on you complain that your standard of living isn’t getting any better.

You may say that, maybe, hey, the music that I listen to is more senseless than what you listen to. I totally get that. I respect the fact that there are other genres of music out there, that there are people who think they are being artistic by covering (plagiarizing, bastardizing) other people’s music, and sometimes reviving the old music could be a good thing, especially if it was superbly done. It gives the younger generation an idea of how the music industry was flourishing with ideas, wonderful ones, at a certain point in time. It may inspire them to come up with better ideas. An old song beautifully arranged to make it into something totally different, is like a new song altogether.

But that’s not what’s happening. These people take a foreign song, use the melody and put really crappy lyrics in the vernacular, if not put sexual innuendos for everyone, even the children to hear. Seriously, do you really want your kids singing along to stuff like that?

You’re right, I should get an IPOD or an MP3 player, that way, I don’t have to hear all this shit. Maybe I could bring my dusty old walkman with me, that way I don’t have to subject myself to really senseless radio announcers and really bad music. I’m entitled to my opinions and my music and you are entitled your right to shit and remain ignorant.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

the downsides of being a cassette tape collector

i was raised in a home that listened to a lot of music. i wouldn't say that my parents were that passionate about it. i rarely heard them sing growing up. but there was a lot of music around, in the form of vinyl and cassette. there was the engelbert humperdinck collections, the best of matt monroe, tom jones, and of course, the beatles. before david cook, my father was already mastering his own version of hello (is it me you're looking for?) and i would also hear perpetually the song release me. as i grew older, hearing the song over and over, i said to myself, why can't you just fucking leave?

i had my first album when i was either 13 or 14. janet jackson's rhythm nation 1814. all those dance steps drove me nuts.

right now, i have about over a hundred tapes or more and about 50 or so cds. i can't really keep count since some of them are with other people on loan. tapes were cheaper back then compared to cds. i'd like to think that the collection i have at home is diverse: from new wave (a-Ha, U2, Depeche Mode, Tears for Fears, The Sundays), to grunge (Pearl Jam, Nirvana), local indie (Ciudad, Sugarfree, Sugar Hiccup), angry girl music (Alanis, Jewel, Fiona, Sarah, No Doubt, The Cranberries, Garbage, Paula Cole), OSTs (Roswell, Felicity, Great Expectations, Pretty in Pink, I Am Sam), one-hit wonders (Swirl 360, can't remember the other ones since, well, they only had one song that i liked and it was on sale), classics (Fleetwood Mac, Lani Hall, Chicago, M lost my Best of Air Supply, of course, deliberately) to the more sappy ones (Regine Velasquez - and i have finally come out!). i have lots of tapes which i can't seem to find in cd format now, like Sandwich's first album, Grip Stand Throw, Wolfgang's debut album and FrancisM's Mga Kababayan, which they should be redistributing since the man died. i'm not saying they should capitalize on his death, i just wish it would be out there for the new generation to listen to. no collection will be complete without the Eraserheads, Rivermaya, Parokya ni Edgar, The Dawn. i even have Madonna.

of course, when the cds got cheaper and almost the same price as tapes, i went out and got the ones i really liked. the foreign acts are still more expensive than the local acts and i've always been a big follower of local independent music. it's just too sad not too many people distribute the ones i am fond of.

fortunately, music has been made accessible to all and there are people out there who venture into producing their own music without the capitalists. the internet has also become a great source of music. local productions allow you to watch the band that you like and introduce you to one or two bands that you haven't heard of. technology has allowed us to listen to music when we want it, where we want it.

my dilemma? i can't transport my music where i want to be, especially the ones that are not on the market anymore. even if i can, it's too bulky, too embarrassing. if only i can find a way to convert them so i can bring them where i am so i don't have to be subjected to crap when i commute to and from the office.

but i love my collection. i pick out one tape from the many that i have and listen to them when i feel like cleaning my room. or when i have a big bag. or going on a trip where i'm driving and i don't have a passenger who'll complain that the music is crap. or when i just want to cry.

i don't really have any regrets. maybe when technology does wage war against humans, i have my old tapes (i keep them in good condition - no moists) to keep me company and the music i love as my radar.

Saturday, August 08, 2009

stories about finding self in the form of an abs match

by the time that i write this, most of you have already seen the romantic comedy starring Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds.

The Proposal is about a canadian editor-in-chief of a book publishing company, played by Sandra Bullock, who proposes/blackmails her assistant, played by Ryan Reynolds into marrying her, just so she wouldn't be deported.

i can relate to the film because: 1) i'm an EA; 2) i'm a writer who wants to touch other people's lives through the written word; 3) i am not in good terms with my father; 4) i've been so used to being alone.

jeez, and people saw it because of the love story and the fact that both lead actors were naked in the film in one scene.

i have to say that Betty White stole the show on this one. the woman's comic timing is impeccable. i enjoyed her so much, i watched it twice.


another movie i saw was Wanted, which starred Angelina Jolie and James McAvoy. the movie had a good run on cable and since i never really got to see it on the big screen i saw it every chance i got. i didn't even know it was adapted from a graphic novel.

Wanted is about an account manager named Wes, (James) who is perpetually nagged by his overbearing boss (they really have to put an overweight woman for this character, huh?), he takes medication for panic attacks and has a live-in girlfriend who cheats on him with his jerk officemate/"best friend". he finds out through a woman named Fox (Angelina) that his father has been murdered and he is an heir to a legacy of assassins. they train him, well, they torture him at first before he gets it and the real training begins.

now, i do have a penchant for crying at the weirdest of times in the most unlikely movies. i cried watching Wanted. you know that part where Cross helps Wesley, they were on the verge of falling off a deep ravine, then Wes feels so bad about shooting him because Cross turns out to be his father? yep, that scene.

you search yourself your whole life because of that one part of you that's missing. just when you thought you've found the truth about you, it turns out to be a lie. yeah, that's happened to me too many times too.


so who do you think has better looking abs? Ryan Reynolds or James McAvoy?

Friday, July 31, 2009

after all is said and done, it's just one big unrequited love story with a purpose to open your consciousness


i finally finished reading this graphic novel entitled Martial Law Babies. it caught my attention after Erwin Romulo wrote about it in his column. i don't really get to visit the bookstores anymore long enough to check a good book on my own so i rely on recommendations from friends and really good writers. plus, the cover was really nice and the first pages really got me hooked because it starts where the two main characters, allan and rebecca, are blogging. they're bloggers like me.

i appreciated the sarcasm of the book and how i am supposed to relate to it because it was written by someone from my generation about my generation. it spoke truly of what the people from that generation feel like that i wish i wrote it myself. it got really close to home, especially about this neverending chasing going on with allan and rebecca. it was swell reading it, then it hit me, hard: damnit, this sounds awfully familiar. oh, i know why, this has been happening to me for the greater part of my adolescent and adult life.

while it is both entertaining and informative because it speaks to this generation about ours, i got disappointed, not with the book but with the way the situation is here in this country right now. so many people leave because they feel this country doesn't have what it takes to get on its feet. so many people are disillusioned because too many stupid people are running this place. and yes, too many smart men are running after insipid women.

i like the book. the love story is both cute and irritating, but only because i can relate to it so well.

YOU: what does your generation have to say?

Saturday, July 25, 2009

cubao nostalgia

i helped a friend get a ride going to this bar called Kuber to meet her sister. she hails from the south so she had no idea how to get there coming from Cubao so i assisted her. we didn't get lost. by the time i got her a ride i realized it was a long long walk back to my terminal going to where i live. good thing they now offer this free shuttle coming from ali mall going back to gateway which saved me the adventure of walking back to farmers market where my terminal is.

so much has changed since i last went to cubao. i go here sparingly; to think that i stayed here for the most part of my childhood, studying in one of them exclusive schools for girls and lesbians. it felt weird walking those streets with her, seeing establishments that weren't there before.

i remember sneaking out of school while waiting for my ride home to go to National Bookstore just so i can check out books or to the record bar section of SM Shoemart. they're renovating, by the way, and it's hilarious. it was already big enough a playground as it was and they're making it bigger! imagine me and my blue&white uniform getting out of either cambridge or oxford streets and walking all the way to SM or National or just checking out what used to be the Fiesta Carnival. before we'd used to wait for COD to start their Christmas show. i don't know where COD is anymore or if it still stands where it used to be.

i never got the hang of gateway, although having coffee there is nice and their food court has couches. i also checked out Cubao X or what we knew then to be just Marikina Shoe Expo. now that whole block doesn't just sell shoes anymore! they have this really neat bar called MOGWAI where Sam and our other friends drink a lot and a tattoo shop and other things. of course, my friend and i were walking like two foreigners: her, the girl from the south and me, the girl from the north who hasn't been there in a decade. seriously, i've only been there very few times to actually scrutinize the place. we were a bad case of blind leading the blinder. haha.

so much has changed from the cubao i used to roam before after school while waiting for my sundo. of course, farmers market is still farmers market. but there are just so many call centers and coffee shops and boutiques and restaurants there now it doesn't seem to be the same place. it's not the cubao i grew up in anymore. i don't hate change. i just don't like the uncomfortable feeling of having to adjust that goes with it. places are like people - when you get used to something, someone, that's not there anymore, you look for it, you miss it and wish things could go back to being the way they were. anyway, i digress.

i will visit cubao again, just for the hell of it. see what it's like now, with the changes so that when my friend needs to go there again, i wouldn't be as lost.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

i am a serious writer

i recently had two of my poems published in a magazine catering to call centers. i sent them a combination of mushy and serious shit i wrote over the last couple of years but they managed to print only the ones they thought people would to like read. translation: the ones relating to love. fart.

while i don't really consider myself that mushy or shallow, i do have my moments and i have proof of such pathetic behavior published here, i would like to be remembered about the more serious stuff i write about. the sad part about these magazines is that, the ones who are willing publish you, will only put out the shit you are ashamed to show other people. the ones who are into more serious stuff, don't think you're good enough.

the story of my life.

i never really thought of myself as brilliant, especially when it comes to writing. some people appreciate my writing, some don't, some pretend to know what they're talking about so they diss the shit and some people just don't really know shit so they pretend to like it. friends do that sometimes, they lie.

when i want an honest answer, i go to those whom i firmly believe in and look up to so when they do give me constructive feedback i try to let it sink in and write some more to see where i can improve on. they normally like the stuff i put out, except i can't really get the whole unfinished ending that gets you in the end. i've had too many non-closures in my life so i would be the best person to write about it, but i don't want people reading to see that. when i want to feel good, i try to show what i've written to people whom i think will flatter me because they're not as good or not as in to writing as i am so when they read something, it automatically passes as good. so sorry, am a bad person with bad writing who wants to feel good.

i also get comments for being perpetually angry and depressed which really comes out when i write. i've also been accused of being a copycat. just because i'm also smart and sarcastic it doesn't mean i'm imitating someone. it just means that like her, i have glasses which help me see the world better, meaning, not as perfect as we try to imagine it to be. we wish it were, but it is not.

i am grateful that i got published. at least, other than this shit, i have an opportunity to show my pain to other people who may feel the same way but just can't put them into words and reading me might inspire them to do the same. maybe not on paper but on other media. or better yet, say it to the person you feel pain for. what do you have to lose? i asked thomas out, and in really vague terms, i did sort of tell him how i felt. now, i don't feel that way about him anymore but it felt right at the time to grope about it so i typed mercilessly on my keyboard until the pain in my chest was gone. torpe ako eh.

it would be nice to really write as great as the people i look up to. if i could be half as good as they are, i would really be elated. but i'm not. so i have this shit to practice on until the people whom i think matter would notice how serious i am.

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

ask me to ask you to stay

i have to make the most of the time that we still have. and your schedule sucks. big time. i only get to see you 2 or 3 days in a week. bummer. i'm lucky if i see you 4 times a week.

i never really used you to get over him. seriously. i think i've told you more than once that i have liked you from afar. then it kinda changed when you and i became friends. now i don't want us to be friends. if i had only known the definition of that damned word "rebadge", i would've made friends with you sooner. if i had known that you'll leave, i would've been the first to say, "Hi!"

And I was lost for words
In your arms
Attempting to make sense
Of my aching heart
If I could just be
Everything and everyone to you
This life would just be so easy

Not enough time for all
That I want for you
Not enough time for every kiss
And every touch and all the nights
I wanna be inside you

We will make time stop
For the two of us

Not enough time for all
That I want for you
Not enough time for every kiss
Not enough time for all my love
Not enough time for every touch
- Not Enough Time, INXS

i remember this episode from Dawson's Creek (yes, yes, i am a closet Pacey fan) where Joey was supposed to paint a mural (isn't it redundant when you say "paint a mural" when a mural means a painted wall or ceiling? anyway . . . ) and Pacey was already about to set sail to go somewhere. Joey was taking too long in deciding what to put on the wall so Pacey made the decision for her.


when will you ask me that? i know i have nothing to offer. i can't really stop you from leaving or making a decision that will make your life better. you always say that you have nothing to offer but your body, and you say that it's not a good looking body at that, but if you could only see what i see, you'd understand why i'd want you to stay. i see a loving and sweet young man. naive, but not stupid. if you only believe in yourself the way i believe in you. you should really give yourself more credit. you can really make me laugh. i will really miss the conversations that we have if you go.

so, please, ask me, to ask you, to stay.

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

here one day, gone one night.

The King of Pop is dead.

when i first heard about it, i was on a cab, really exhausted from work, on my way to meet some friends who were drinking after shift so i didn't really pay much attention. of course, i should've just slept instead of following them, but i had to do one of them a favor by gracing her with my presence. moral support.

much has been said about Michael over the years during his lifetime, most of it having nothing to do with the fact that he's a total performer or that he's inspired millions with his music or that he's helped so many people by using his celebrity into getting people to focus on hunger, poverty, sickness that has plagued this earth.

i'm not really a fan-fan, although i may have been one when i was younger. the 80s isn't exactly the decade most people want to remember. but the music of Michael Jackson is definitely one for the books. for what it's worth, we cannot deny the legacy his music has left us. it is a shame that by nature, people would rather remember the bad rather than the good about other people. Michael is the perfect example of one who has become the victim of just that.

I'm Starting With The Man In
The Mirror
I'm Asking Him To Change
His Ways
And No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
Take A Look At Yourself, And
Then Make A Change

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

is it so bad if i . . . ?

i asked my work friends for some time off. it's weird that i have to ask considering knowing that i am used to being alone and being my friends, they should know. well, some of them do. some need to be explained to before they can get it.

part of my job description requires dealing with a lot of people, most of them i don't really want to talk to. i just need to deal with them. and i do. even when i don't want to anymore. i don't really have a problem talking to anyone. that's one of my nicer traits, i'd like to think. gets me into trouble sometimes but mostly provides a lot of goodwill. Nathan checks on me regularly just to make sure that i don't get burned out at work so he REQUIRES me to take days or even weeks off. not really the kind i asked of him before, when i went to take the exam. he wants me to take a real vacation. i never really get that. sometimes i think i don't deserve it, when i do. he asks me about my love life too. occasionally.

before i went to bed yesterday afternoon i texted the two men in my life: the guy i am currently fond of and the guy i wish to forget. now while i'm not really using this guy to forget this other guy, i tend to, but then he mentions him every once in a while so i don't have to think about him. makes sense?

yes, yes, it's confusing. let's use codes. Guy A is Michael Lotion, Guy B is . . . uh, let's call him "Sam" for the time being, until i can figure something out.

so i met Sam and his friends formally the monday after Michael goes over to Trinoma. and we all want to forget trinoma. it's done. if there was something at trinoma, if there was potential after trinoma, whatever i may have said or did, wouldn't change anything. nothing happened after trinoma. and Michael.

so Sam and i have been hanging out ever since and he's been very sweet and candid and much as i hate to admit it, he has grown on me. he's adorable whereas Michael is the epitome of pain and suffering and potential energy. in short, NADA. ZILCH. NOTHING. he is useful professionally and will flirt whenever he gets the chance. but that's just it. you either make a move or you don't. i'd like to think i have tried to make all things possible with Michael. he doesn't want me. he probably does but all i see is evidence to the contrary. i wish my friends would let it go. besides, it would've been nice if all that potential were transformed into kinetic energy. i am NOT a fucking mindreader. but Sam. despite all his shortcomings, Sam is cute and sweet and nice and he has managed to distract me from all this shit with Michael. i am now able to last a day without seeing Michael. of course, i do get my moments.

just like yesterday. Sam and i practically spent the whole day together, when we weren't working. we were just hanging out and i love the fact that we did just that. there's something about Sam's innocence, his pure and unselfish, unadulterated heart that makes him lovable. it is also very attractive. and sexually stimulating. but anyway, i digress. there was something nice about just having to sit down and talk and not have to explain this and that or quarrel (Michael and i used to have a lot of these, and quarrel in between, with emphasis on "USED TO") about something petty. i don't even have expectations that we will end up romantically, which is probably what is on most people's dull insipid heads. why put malice when there's nothing there? i am simply enjoying his company. i'd like to think he enjoys my company too. we miss each other. =] then i see this white skinny cat. of all my lesbian friends and exs, i remember Michael. weird, right?

ayokong matuwa kasi baka masaktan lang ako. baka hanap-hanapin ko tapos parang mauulit lang din 'yung nangyari dun sa isa, mawawala lang. sayang.

i still "love" Michael". i do. i still can't dream about him naked beside me, and i still consider the idea that if i were to indeed tie the noose, err, knot, i would gladly stranggle myself with him. i just can't deal with mediocrity. you either have balls or you don't.

i am starting to like Sam. there's something innately attractive about stupidity that i can't let go. i should know. i've been stupid. and the young man has balls. i just can't get over the whole age thing. but the lad has balls and quick thinking. he has his own ways.

so would it be so bad if i just disappear? that way i don't have to deal with the people who make a big deal about me and Michael or about me and Sam. some people just can't let it go. i never really realized how mundane other people's lives are until they started talking about me again, in relation to men. it's been a while.

i just need to be alone right now. to think. that way i don't hurt anyone special to me. or continue to hurt myself. is that asking too much?

Saturday, June 20, 2009

we provide . . . leverage

i'm currently hooked on this new show on AXN. i find it interesting and i make sure i'm not doing anything at home sunday nights at 7pm when it shows reruns of the monday episode. i love the whole "doing the wrong thing for the right reasons", modern day Robinhoods bit.


Leverage follows a Los Angeles-based team of thieves, computer experts and con artists, headed up by former insurance investigator Nate Ford, who use their skills to right corporate and governmental injustices inflicted on common citizens.

i've always had a crush on Timothy Hutton and Gina Bell was hilarious in Coupling. the storyline is amazing and each episode never fails to amuse me. i am hooked. i especially like Beth Riesgraf's character, Parker. she doesn't have a last name, she seems indifferent and yet, she is very cunning at what she does. all of them are con artists. and they're really great con artists. not to mention, Christian Kane, whom i last saw in the series Angel as the evil-turned-good lawyer Leslie, is a highly skilled martial artist. i especially like it when he has flashbacks of how he was trapped in this or that situation. Aldis Hodges is really cute as the internet geek. his humor is sarcastic. i like it.

as usual, i have really poor tv show reviewing skills which is why i believe i can never be the great writer that i wish to be. i'm just relying on my goodwill and cute looks to make you want to see it too. so check it out. you might like it.

Friday, June 19, 2009

is this what you need, is this what you need? is it?

i went out with my friends, all of us single ladies, to drink, forget, talk, see some bands. not necessarily in that order. i wanted to know what the new Rivermaya sounded like. i wanted to see Raimund's new band. i wanted to see Ciudad again. i wanted them to meet my best friend Ace of Bagetsafonik.

i can't remember much right now, although i do remember being mildly drunk. i do remember a long table full of single women, with my best friend being the only man and his girlfriend is not around. =]

i just needed a break. i could've gone there on my own and didn't have to drag all my other friends to go on leave just so i could be there. i just really wanted to be off work.

i thought of you. i thought of him. it's funny how i try to avoid conversations which would segue into you but i have to move on. it just hurts. i don't think i need this shit. especially not from you.

so Ace and the bagetsafonik boys choir performed songs from their debut album as well as new songs you only hear live until they decide they want to record again. i was very proud of Ace. their new songs are very meaningful, deep. i can't think of the right words. i did understand what he said while he was singing despite the fact that i'm inebriated.

Ciudad also played and it's amazing that Mikey still remembers me even if we met each other over at Emerald Avenue ages ago. like when we were still both working at call centers from that vicinity. they played Dessie Belle for me.

i also finally got to see the new Rivermaya without Bamboo, without Rico, without the reality show vocalist winner. i was so sure that that wasn't him. this was cuter, i'd like to think. they started the gig and surely i wouldn't be THAT drunk yet. i could close my eyes and see Rico Blanco. sorry dude, i really liked you. but for purposes of that gig, you sounded just like him.

i didn't get to pay attention to Raimund's new band Gaijin, although they were multi-racial and interesting. by then we were already having this conversation about the IT boy's trip to trinoma and how do you know if it's a booty call or not or who is a walking boobie or not, which really bored me, honestly, so i amused myself by drinking more hard drinks and taking potshots at Ace. i love my friends but that topic is really, REALLY getting old.

after the show, i had more drinks, we talked some more and headed to the nearest Mister Kebab store. i remember us dropping Ace at Big Sky where he proceeded to get more drunk.

i needed this. i needed to be away from you. i needed to see my best friend so he can give me some clarity. i needed to think of him,, that other guy, differently.

as Ace sang in Airports,

"you are denial, yes, you are

you'll go, you'll go, you'll go

don't say we won't get hurt
say instead that we'll be worth it"

are you worth it? maybe. maybe not.

Monday, June 08, 2009

not trying to be Julia Roberts in Notting Hill, just being me

i miss you. i miss hanging out with you. i miss smoking with you and talking to you. i know it can never go back to the way they were. i know you will never feel the way i feel about you. you don't even believe me when i say i do but i miss you. i miss the part where we were friends, before i told you how i felt about you.

exploring my options now, actually. but i can't help it, i still think about you. you still manage to penetrate my subconscious.

i know i said i won't bring it up. i know i told you that i will try my best to be professional around you. here i am, trying. the operative word is trying.

so please consider this a message from one colleague to another, telling him that i miss the friend i fell in love with.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

gloria estefan knows what she's talking about 2

are you really going away?

sometimes i don't know what to believe anymore. you do have a tendency to lie to me. i mean, you could really be going away and never coming back and all i would have left with me are the memories of you and i talking and smoking together.

i'd still want to be your friend. i would still want to get in touch with you even when you're not here in manila anymore.

i'm okay with just friends.

i won't complain anymore.

i can't complain.


if friendship is all you can give me, i'll take that over you not even looking at me when you see me down the hall. i'll take that over this invisible wall, this silence that comes between you and me whenever we meet. we started out as friends, didn't we? it's hard and it would be very difficult to get over considering i have wanted you this intensely, compared to the others. but i'd rather have that than nothing at all.

Can't Stay Away From You
Gloria Estefan

Time flies
When you're having fun
I heard somebody say
But if all I've been is fun
Then baby let me go
Don't wanna be in your way
And I don't wanna be your second choice
Don't wanna be just your friend
You keep telling me that you're not in love
You wanna throw it all away

But I can't stay away from you
I don't wanna let you go
And though it's killing me that's true
There's just some things I can't control

Your love is slipping through my hands
And though I've heard it all before
I know you're telling me the truth
I know it's just no use
But I can't stay away from you

Hold on to every beat of hope, that's all I ever do
Hoping you might change your mind
And call me up to say how much you need me too
And though you're leaving me no other choice
Than to turn and walk away
Look over your shoulder, I'll be there
You can count on me to stay...

'Cause I can't stay away from you
I don't wanna let you go
And though it's killing me that's true
There's just some things I can't control
Your love is slipping through my hands
And though I've heard it all before

I know you're telling me the truth
I know it's just no use
But I can't stay away from you

i won't complain. i can't complain. anymore.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

i fell, crashed and got infected.


i recently saw Zach Lucero and his project band over at Route 196. i heard them play over this radio station's jam sessions too and i must admit that i am totally hooked. this is not just because Zach always asks if i'm a policewoman already. i've always liked the way Zach is fluid with his words and had hoped that he would come up with an album of his own.

i enjoyed this album not just because it's easy listening, really good for driving. i hardly get to drive but this is music i'd bob my head up and down to. you couldn't really even tell it was by a Filipino until you checked the credits. he even has a fabulous line up of collaborations: Micaela Domingo, Kris Gorra-Dancel, Ene Lagunzad, Marie Jamora, Aimee Marcos and Lourd De Veyra, to name a few. it's a totally different side to Zach that we rarely see in Imago. the good thing about Zach is that whether he's full scale or unplugged, the music is a different experience altogether, and yet he is still engaging. like any other songwriter, Zach talks about his personal experiences and is amazingly prolific. whether he's talking about his days as a DJ (Bob), to talking about breakups (Last Day), to people's addiction to Facebook(SuperPoke), to talking about the prospect of a new love (Matina Town Square - my personal favorite), Zach definitely nails it.

i am officially an addict. of course i haven't really enhanced my album reviewing skills yet so i'm just limited to, "buy it, it's great!". but it is.

trust me. i'm a policewoman.

Friday, May 22, 2009

being somebody's EA is a thankless job

yesterday i attended a seminar especially for executive assistants like myself. i was with my friend and fellow EA, Bryanne. while i didn't get any sleep coming from Wednesday shift and a little ticked off because of some person, i was looking forward to that seminar because it was an opportunity to interact with people with the same occupation as myself.

it was very interesting. i mean, i already know most of the stuff that were discussed there, but somehow, it got reinforced. i was surprised to find out that there are some bosses that hail from The Devil Wears Prada regime. i know that being a secretary or assistant means doing stuff that may not have anything to do with work but Bryanne and i never really had that problem. i think that stems from that fact that are bosses are not Filipinos.

yes, yes, i said that. sometimes your fellow man can be more demanding and bossy than the XPAT. i know so because while Nathan is the one i directly report to, the ones who are not my boss are the ones who give me the most stress. more often than not, these are the Filipinos. my clients love me, at least, i think they do. i take care of them. my clients love me, except for the ones who are Filipino. i don't mean to discriminate against our countrymen. most of the people i interact with still have their feet firmly on the ground. they get more humble the higher they step up the corporate ladder. the others, well, infer.

but going back to that seminar yesterday: most of these women (oh yeah, why is this job limited or typecast for women only?) have been doing their job for about at least ten years and while they complain about it, they don't really leave. i mean, i personally have not thought of myself doing something else because i simply adore my boss and for as long as he is pleased with the work i put out, i am pleased as well. sure there are times when he can stress me out and sometimes you do never run out of things to do, because there are people who find it amusing to make my life miserable even when they know that i don't go home and get to sleep anymore.

i just have to learn to say, "NO".

anyway, the seminar was fun. i got to meet a lot of new people. looking forward to meeting more interesting people in the future. maybe next time, i'll send my EA to one of these =]

Monday, May 18, 2009

gloria estefan knows what she's talking about

i'm pretty sick and tired of going to work and much of it is because i don't want to see you. i mean, i want to see you but knowing how you treat me, i'd rather not. if i could avoid seeing you, feeling you completely, i would.

but interaction with you is inevitable. our occupations are intertwined and more often than not, people will try to get to you through me, which is pretty annoying.

i've gotten used to not talking to you, although when you do talk to me, it just feels like yesterday. which is weird.

i love my job. if i don't have to deal with you or her, i'd be a happy camper. never mind if people have a tendency of treating me like shit. they mean nothing to me, and i can ignore the fact that they treat me like shit. but you. i will never get you.

i am sick and tired of hearing about how i supposedly rejected you. you rejected me. you hurt me. i am just reacting to what you're giving me. damnit, i love you. i never felt anything before you. but now you're the source of all my pain and suffering. you don't even take me seriously.

i lost some of the songs in my PC and much as i'd like to transfer all of the songs i like in there, most of them are in tape format. just like this song. i can't even find where the tape is now. but i remember losing it because the song says how i feel for you.

in one of her concerts, Gloria Estefan said something about writing love songs the way Julio Iglesias wrote love songs. Julio was in the audience and then she sang this song acoustic.

Words Get in the Way
Miami Sound Machine

I realize you're seeing someone new
I don't believe she knows you like I do
Your temperamental moody side,
The one you always try to hide from me
But I know when you have some thing on your mind
You've been trying to tell me for the longest time
And before you break my heart in two,
There's something I've been trying to say to you

But the words get in the way
There's so much I want to say
But it's locked deep inside and if you look in my eyes,
We might fall in love again.
I won't even start to cry, and before we say goodbye
I tried to say "I love you"
But the words got in the way

Your heart has always been an open door
But baby I don't even know you any more
And despite the fact it's hurting me,
I know the time has come to set you free

But the words get in the way
There's so much I want to say
But it's locked deep inside and if you look in my eyes,
We might fall in love again
I won't even start to cry, and before we say goodbye
I tried to say "I love you", but the words got in the way

I'm trying to say "I love you"
But the words get in the way

i don't want to think about you anymore. it gets to be exhausting. i'll just explore my options because i can't wait for you all the time. it doesn't work that way. once you realize that you do love me, or once you're no longer too proud to admit that you like me too, it may be too late.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

D. It is written.

Jamal Malik is one question away from winning 20 million rupees. How did he do it? (A) He cheated, (B) He's lucky, (C) He's a genius, (D) It is written.


it's been a while since i last watched a movie, let alone watch a movie on my own. i intended to watch Dragonball Evolution which i knew for a fact was showing today. i was pretty depressed that i decided i wanted to watch something entertaining. when i got to the mall, i saw that Slumdog Millionaire opened here in Manila and i couldn't help myself. i bought the ticket, picked a chair (pretty nice seat, F18), ate my lunch, smoked, got a bathroom break and went into the theater. it was great. the film won an Oscar for Best Picture, for crying out loud. i know i mentioned it here before that i felt bad Indian actors get to be in Hollywood. or that despite being both third world countries, India is getting ahead of the RP in some areas.

during the first few scenes i was afraid i made the wrong decision of watching it or watching it alone; that i might not be able to handle some of the scenes. but then i said, it happens in India, it happens here, what difference does it make? so i stayed and i liked what i saw, despite the fact that there were scenes difficult to stomach. i even found some parts funny. i could even relate to the love story. a little. although i didn't have to beg for money, be a prostitute who gets betrothed to a gang lord until she eventually finds her true love, the 20,000,000 rupee winner (no, i don't think michael gretchen lotion is that rich, that he likes to answer quiz/game shows and he wouldn't swim into a pool of shit just to ask for somebody's autograph. i don't think so), i was able to relate to the love story in a different manner. because there is such a thing as COINCIDENCE.



for those who don't know yet: the movie is about Jamal Malik, an orphan from the slums of Mumbai, India who joins the game show only for the reason he knows his first love, his true love, Latika, will be watching the show. the guy serves tea in a call center. he is suspected of cheating because he is just a question short of winning the grand prize and people can't believe, or don't want to believe that a person from such a lowly, humble background could get all the answers correctly. what's even interesting is the fact that he's not even concerned about the money, he just wants to be able to find Latika. and he does. he gets the answers correctly by chance based on the experiences he has had in his life. the inspector then lets him go back to the show to answer the final question that wins him the 20,000,000 rupees. and then they break into a production number at the end.

and supposedly, Latika and Jamal live happily ever after.


i'm not going to try anymore. i want to, but maybe now really isn't the right time.

i've always believed in carpe diem. i've always believed, based on how i know myself, that once i verbalize my feelings towards the person, i will be able to get over it, i will be able to move on with the rest of my life. i would hate it if i had to go on life thinking what might have been. better rejected than regret it for the rest of my life.

i get stumped with you. in other words, i am rusty when you're around. it comes so easy and naturally with everyone else, but i just can't, for the life of me, figure out why i can't tell you how i feel about you.

maybe because i want it to be you. i want it to be perfect, the way with your imperfections, you are perfect to me. i want to tell you how i feel but i don't want to blow it. my friends have been telling me that i have been blowing it, that i keep on missing my opportunities to tell you, or at least give you the idea that i feel that way. shouldn't you know that by now? i've been giving you hints for a while now, and you've turned me down TOO MANY TIMES to actually even bear it. but here i am, hoping you would call just like you did before and i hope or try to make sure that when that time comes, regardless of what you came there for, regardless of what you say, no matter how bad it will be, i would tell you. because i need to, have to. for my sanity, i should. now i know i can never practice well enough and even if i did, i know the right words will never come to my head when the need arises. but i know i have to make sure i say it.

just give me a chance to say it.