Monday, September 22, 2008

i'll just take the blame

so i had the exams yesterday. and the week before that. and the week before that. i don't want to talk about it. i just hope i don't get DQ'd. one more sunday to go.


i don't want to think about you that way. i like you but i don't want to think about you that way. you're a distraction. no matter what i do, nothing will ever come out of it so i won't bother to even invest in feeling this way for you. funny, because i think i get you. but you don't get me. and maybe you could feel this way for me too if you wanted to. but you don't. besides, i know myself enough to know that this will pass and i'll forget feeling this way for you the way i feel about everybody else.


so i've had the chance to reunite with the organization and i'm getting to know my frat brods and sorority sisters. of course, i haven't really surfaced until now so there was a lot of warming up to do. i don't really have trouble making friends, it's the explaining that's hard.

i just tell them that M and I used to be a relationship and i tell them it was my fault we broke up (even if she brought the doctor in to the library just a week after she left me) so that they don't really have to ask her. and well, she scares them so i think they'll just take my word for it :]

i just don't tell them that i kinda cheated because she changed first or that she told me so many things that made me leave A or that she was doing suspicious things that made me want to cheat on her. i lost myself, i didn't have a personality when i was with her. my friends didn't like her. not that it mattered, but if you were gay and you had a bisexual friend, you should be okay with the idea of her going out with another lesbian, right. they weren't. they didn't like her. they felt like she dominated me. in a way, she did, because as independent as i am, i wanted to be controlled. i wanted to be submissive to someone, and she did that for me, aside from massaging my feet. but then, she also drove me crazy. i couldn't be me with her, i felt i held back on certain things because of her. i could never be better than she was or stuff. stuff. stuff i'd rather not discuss because i've gone over that. i'm over that.

but people have to know: if link made me cold and unfeeling, M made me a lying, cheating, selfish paranoid bitch. i was a good person. i was dead inside, but i was a good person.


and then my dad decided it was a great idea to devote four hours into telling me that i won't amount to anything and that i won't be this and that and shit.



i can't wait to go back to work. when i'm at work i'm too busy i don't remember how broken i am.

Thursday, September 04, 2008

you have to do better than that

i had to write this down. apparently now, i supposedly have some more time in my hands than i did before and i couldn't really study unless i type this out first to get it off my chest.

did you know that you can actually have the 5 stages of sleep in less than two hours? i dreamt about Everywhere Boy. i thought there was just something wrong with my airconditioning timer because it felt like i was sleep for more hours than that. but i dreamt about him and other things and that's how i knew my sleep cycle was slightly screwed up. for one thing, i was getting more than two hours of sleep. oh well.


there used to be a time when i couldn't look at you and yet i couldn't last a day without seeing you. i would go back to the office even when it was impractical to go just so i would get a glimpse of you. then we went out and i thought we could follow through on it considering i would say, we had the most interesting conversation.

timing. you were always busy or doing something, or shit like that. or maybe you just didn't want to go and you just couldn't get yourself to tell me. either way, i got tired of waiting on you, waiting for you to have the time. that's when i knew you were like everybody else i pined over. i'd forget you as quickly as i had wanted to see you before. and now you keep on saying hi to me like i mattered and as if you still mattered to me. but you always catch me busy or on a really stressful day, or shit like that. talk about timing.


i currently handle two sites of the company i work for because my boss handles programs from both and one of the coaches from the other sites, shaw, approached me last week to supposedly talk to me about something important. she said that another coach from my original site, rcbc, warned her to be careful around me because i'm a snitch, a backfighter, etc. because i am that way in rcbc. and i told her to be careful then. sweetie, if you wish to create paranoia within me and my alliances, you have to do better than that.

first of all, like i have always been saying here for the longest time. people hate me because people will hate you for no apparent reason. they will especially hate you when they think you have the capacity to show them how stupid, rotten, discriminating, etc. they are. people have hated me even when i was still an agent. my being the Boss's assistant doesn't change that. it just makes the people more insecure of me, or force them to smile at me even when they don't want to. i know the people who truly love me, i know the people who hate me and i know the people who are nice to me because my boss is my boss. i know that hard work is crap and it doesn't matter if i finished a law degree which would in some way, make me smarter than most people but in the end, to their eyes, before Nathan, i'm just a frigging agent. people wouldn't look at me twice. they wouldn't find me interesting because i am, or take me seriously because i deserve it. they find every facet of my life important because i'm Nathan's assistant. other than that, i'm crap like everyone else and all those times Everywhere Boy and i would run into each other wouldn't mean anything because i would like be just everyone else.

secondly, sweetie, you forget, that most of the key players in the shaw site came from rcbc, not to mention, they are my friends. we've survived the rumors in the workplace because we know better, we keep the communication line open, and more importantly, we don't, i repeat, don't do anything to incriminate ourselves that will allow anybody to find fault in our group. of course, i'm just the EA, but all of them are very hardworking and responsible directors, managers and supervisors who have very great work ethics. you can say all you want about me, and i don't mind, because i'm the black sheep anyway, but you can't harm them. and i won't let you.

lastly, the only reason you came to me is because you're an irresponsible twit and you're in this mad witch hunt as to who ratted you out. my advice: if you're going to do something wrong, don't get caught. you and your, "entourage" have this blatant disregard for discipline and EVERYBODY knows. i don't even have to say anything and just for the record, i didn't. you can verify with my boss.


i'll only try to win you over once, or twice. if it gets too hard i won't even try a third time. i get along better with your best friend because i get along better with people i don't like that way. it's not like i have a gun pointed to your head. you can say "no", you know. i'm just hoping you'll try to consider saying "yes" first before you shut out the idea completely. at the end of the day, i'm just looking for interesting people to talk to. if you don't want to talk to me, i won't blame you. i'll let you blame yourself in the future because you let me get away =]


going back to school again meant reuniting with the members of my band in law school and my fraternity brothers and sorority sisters. i never knew how much i had missed the fun we had until we started talking again. i have been under the radar for the most part since i have been avoiding my stalkers and questions about M and A and all that shit. not that i haven't moved on from that, i have. i just don't like the idea of having to explain myself over and over again when it's done. they're both happy. i'm happy. i'm civil to both of them. sometimes, law school can just be so boring that they find the need to talk about your life and the past and bring it up for small talk. and i don't want to go through that anymore. i like my life now. doesn't anybody want to talk about my life now?

but really, i missed them and all the fun we had. i look forward to spending some time with them after the exams, like maybe hang out and talk about stuff and how we can help the school and our bandmates and the organization itself, or just plain hang out. i would love that.


i miss troma, but only 50% of the band missed me. they didn't even remember my birthday =[

i really wish we could all get together. i miss hearing them play, watching them perform. i miss their company. i really wish that after all this shit we're having right now, things can be straightened out and we can all play again.


i actually never really noticed you. of course, a friend would argue that you're the only person worth looking at in this site and i might agree only, you are not JL. i have been checking out JL from the lung center. that alone made me want him. when he opened his mouth, my IQ and underwear fell. you, i didn't know about until our chance meetings and until you opened your mouth. even now i have doubts, what with the "your" and "you're" slips. but you're an interesting character to know, to say the least, whom i enjoy talking to. i'm glad that you consider me sensible but then i've known for too long that there are too many of you so-called sensible lads who say they don't think stupid and pretty are a good combo but end up falling for them ordinary types anyway. you're (because i know the difference between the possessive "your" and the contraction of "you are") either that or you're secretly in love with your boss. i swear the mother and son tandem looks slightly incestuous, with more of the hormones coming out of your end.


now that that's out of the way, i can read and study now. these discussions with Atty. Sandoval are both enlightening and hilarious. i get to appreciate the law once again and by God, i love the law. i just hope it loves me back.

Monday, September 01, 2008

i think i may have withdrawal symptoms

i woke up at 5.30am this morning. i saw sunlight seeping through my window and heard the birds chirping for the first time in a long time. the last time i had been up at 5am on a monday morning was when i was still seeing russell. he would text me that early to let me know he was travelling back to manila from his province (or wherever). normally, when i'd see birds chirping, i'd be seeing them from the office, when i go down to smoke.

it was weird to be up this early. i realize i have to get used to the idea of waking up early. and not going to the office.

i may have said more than once that it doesn't bother me that Nathan won't be with me for a whole month. the man can take care of himself. and he has Anna to assist him, to back me up. i'm not worried that the company will be without me. the office won't shut down just because i'll be gone for a month.

but i might.

i haven't been away from the office for that long. i have said more than once that this job has saved me and continue to do so, and even as i try to escape it my body longs for work. yes, yes, much as i hate to admit it, i am addicted to work. i have nothing, no one else anyway, except my work. and if i may say so, despite my flaws, i am damn good at it.

i still want to be a lawyer. i still want to take a shot at it. i still want to find out if there is life outside the call center industry or if this profession can help in any way to the job i am currently in right now. i have to know. i'm glad that my boss was nice enough to support me.

it may take a while but i'll get used to waking up in the daytime, roughing it with the day people during rush hour and not having to answer anyone when they call. i have to get used to not reminding anyone anything. i have to get used to sunlight.

that job may be stressful but a month not doing it will kill me. i have been used to doing it for about a year now. call me insane or something, but it takes getting used to, especially when i've been used to that routine for so long.

it's 5.20pm. i would have been just about ready to start my day. oh yeah, it's Labor Day in the US. no work.

i have to get back to my reading.