Thursday, June 26, 2008

DL

because thomas, you're not the only cute guy in Collections.

i have been noticing him for a long time now, but i didn't really notice him as much until i saw them play basketball. it's that weird mating ritual thing, you see them all sweaty and somehow, it is appealing to the senses. in all fairness, he is a good basketball player. and to other people's standards, he is actually cuter than TL, if not, for the simple reason that he looks like he takes a bath and TL doesn't.

what makes me more fond of this guy is the fact that he is more receptive to me than TL is. he is sweeter, he acknowledges me, he doesn't need encouragement to talk to me or be touchy (may i say, i have no problem touching him - bwahahahaha) and shall i say, flirts back? i like that. and it takes the load off, as far as TL is concerned. because thinking about TL seems to put almost the same amount of pain as JL does to me, since i can't, for the life of me, explain why it's so hard to reconnect considering we've already talked about too many things. but DL, he's very nice to me and very sweet and still very humble and you know that he is genuinely concerned about you.

while i am fond of him, i don't really think about him romantically, although there's this minuscule part of me that wishes we could be. i know enough not to expect. i am content at the idea that i have a new friend whom i can look forward to seeing when i go to work.

don't we all need somebody to look forward to when work sucks?

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

if we're truly friends, it shouldn't matter who my service provider is

as per lhiam's translation: rock rock in heaven, whoever hits, ouch

i'm pissed because this company is not paying me enough to do the job that i'm doing. i'm paid more with the kind of job that i'm doing in other companies. i just happen to love my boss and the people here so i stay.

lately, i am disappointed with the people i work with. well, not all of them, just a few people who i noticed don't talk to me on a regular basis. i mean, it's bad enough that i have to deal with people who didn't used to give me the time of day but are now talking to me because i work for my boss; but i have to deal with people who talk to me because they like somebody i know. unlike other people, i don't have a problem asking for other people's digits, especially guys. well, except the ones i really really really uberly like. makapal mukha ko e. hindi ko na hihintayin na hingin nila ang number ko. hindi na po ganun ang panahon, sorry namern. masakit pero totoo. ang tagal bago niyo ko huling kinausap tapos ngayon kinakausap niyo ko uli. meron pang time na kelangang ipagpilitan ko ang sarili ko sa inyo para lang kausapin niyo ko. it's not an excuse that i'm busy, i'm always busy but i try to make time for you. and then all of a sudden you start talking to me again because you like this guy. hindi halatang obvious.

i don't like the idea that people use the excuse that i have this service provider and this is theirs. BULLSHIT. kung naisip niyo ko yayain magkape o uminom ng beer before kayo umalis hindi niyo na ko kelangan itext na sumunod sa inyo as an afterthought. hindi ako ang nagbago kasi EA na ko. nagbago kayo. wag gawin dahilan ang service provider. kaya kong bumili ng kape/beer. kaya kong bumili ng load. dapat kayo rin. pare-pareho naman tayong walang pera, hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit kilala niyo lang ako pag kelangan niyo ko. binabati ko naman kayo regardless. nakakasakit ng damdamin. nakakasama ng loob. i mean, how would YOU feel if i suddenly felt like going out with my new friends (whom you are crazy about) and not invite you? what if i invited you but it's pretty obvious that i only did that as an afterthought?

it hurts to admit. i mean, i may also be guilty of what i just said here. but right now, i feel bad enough as it is because i don't get to sleep, i don't get to rest and people have a knack of blaming me because they don't have anyone else to blame. it's sad because i also don't have anyone, i'm pathetic, the guys i like don't like me back. but i'm old enough and i'd like to say mature enough to know that i've gotten over that, that it's not a big deal anymore. i'm not in high school where everything is a big deal. for one thing, i don't have zits the size/range of indonesia anymore. i won't say i'm not hurt but i am at an age where i don't expect too much because i know that things won't always happen the way you want them to. which is why i don't expect you to change. there is no cure for hypocrisy. or stupidity.

it's just sad when you need friends and you don't know who your friends really are. they probably are your friends. they just have a rotten way of showing how reliable they are or not reliable. think about it: do you really want to be known as the friend who only remembers his/her friends when they need something? i think they have a term for that. uh, can you say fair-weather friend? no, let's try the more colloquial term: KUPSI

sabi ko naman sa umpisa pa lang: bato bato sa langit, ang tamaan wag magalit. pag nagalit ka, malamang guilty ka rin kahit konti kasi alam mong dumidikit ka lang sa'kin kasi kelangan mo ko. kamusta ka naman di ber? anong klase kang tao?

i may be a lot of things, i may have an attitude problem but i never abandon my friends. i can get busy to the point of not showing up for a major event but i don't leave my friends. they always leave. the ones who aren't worth it, i guess and i don't mind them leaving, i just hope they'd be more discreet about their abandoning ways. oh well.

wait, i have to call someone. from the other provider.

cabanatuan feels like lightyears

my good friend ace and his band bagetsafonik performed this song last thursday for ninjakyusi and JL was the first person that got into my head. i didn't see him for his last day in manila. i also love this song. yes, i am a big eraserheads fan.

Lightyears
Eraserheads

Big dipper north of nowhere
Outside the room inside my mind
Look forward to tomorrow
But can I leave yesterday behind

How it feels so strange
To have grown and changed
Now it's not the same

'coz time, slips and slide into another place
And try, as we might to understand each other
Doesn't really matter where you are
It always seem so far
'coz you're lightyears away
You're lightyears away from me

Little dipper south of somewhere
It looks much closer than it really is
I held it in my hands
But you're forever out of reach

Far as the eye can see
Nothing is meant to be
Doesn't mean much to me

But oh, if I only had a rocket ship to fly
I'd be right there in a minute
But it doesn't really matter where you are
However near is still so far
'coz when you're lightyears away
You're lightyears away from me

Far as the eye can see
Nothing is meant to be
Doesn't mean much to me

'coz time, slips and slide into another place
And try, as we might to understand each other
Doesn't really matter where you are
It always seem so far
'coz you're lightyears away
You're lightyears away from me

Look forward to tomorrow
But can I leave yesterday behind

It's funny because, it just feels like yesterday when i first met you.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

for JL too

"time and time again i wish that i had hair . . . i don't wanna lose it, can't you see?"

"tulibu dibu douchou"

God, i'll miss that. i'll miss the banter; having someone to terrorize, harass; make fun of people with; argue with; check spelling of; ask questions to, stupid or otherwise; and everything else supposedly worth talking about. i'll miss whining and having you there to listen to it. and i've only known you almost a year. it wasn't long ago when i was checking you out from the lung center. everybody wants you. to talk to, yes, but they don't necessarily find you attractive. i know i do. i love every waking second i spend talking to you. i know you don't feel the same way, you never will. maybe you do, but not to that extent. maybe that's what i love about you the most: the fact that you keep me hanging. i know everybody keeps me hanging, and with you it's so uberly blatant, how you don't like people you work with, or your friends. very respectable and admirable indeed. so long as you're not the friend/co-worker with feelings for the friend/co-worker. and i'm totally fine with that as long as i have the assurance that the friendship you and i have will withstand distance. we will always have that no matter what (your words, not mine) and i believe you.

everytime i go home, i feel hurt, i feel bad that we may never have as much time as we do now to talk. just talk. i do feel bad already, since i can't be with you as much, me moving back and forth between two sites like this. but i feel like, and i know that i'm probably the only one feeling this, despite just knowing each other for a year, i know you, and i've connected with you the way i have with my male friends (except the benefits part, with some of them) and to me that's something. more than anything, i love the idea of not having to feel problematic. you make me laugh, all the time, even if on most of those times, you make me laugh at myself. i like that. you have problems but you don't look like you do. i want that.

but i can't ever have you. i will never even be an iota of what you deserve in a woman. sure, i'm pretty, sweet, smart (tooting horn alert) but the things i've gone through, the bad things i've done (no matter how evil you think you are, you can never be more evil than me), make me feel like i will never make it with you. no matter how hard i try. so i won't.

i am glad though, that you are my friend. that whenever i have questions, i can count on you to provide me with a sensible answer and when you can't, you will either point me at the right direction or at least give me a good laugh because you are not infallible too. i will miss you.

this grief overwhelms me, it burns in my stomach
and i can't stop bumping into things

I thought we'd be simple together
I thought we'd be happy together
Thought we'd be limitless together
I thought we'd be precious together
But i was sadly mistaken

You've been my soulmate and mentor
I remembered you the moment i met you
Alanis Morissette, Simple Together

but then, why would you want to be with me? or, why the hell not?

Saturday, June 07, 2008

talking out loud before the words disappear into oblivion

it's 4pm and i have been awake just about the same time yesterday but i've been having these words come out of my head like crazy so i thought i'd write them down even if i've had a few beers and lack much needed sleep. it is so weird because you were in my head all this time i had these words, like i would say them to you, had i the opportunity to do so. i can text them to you, but i didn't want to hound you like some goddamn big time criminal.

so many people have been nice to me for various reasons other than the fact that they should be out of the goodness of their heart. i'm sick of sycophants and charlatans. i've had this issue ever since because it is hard to be what you are when there are so many people telling you what you should be and the last thing i need is people being nice to be just because i'm the fucking executive assistant to the senior vice president for operations (it is a mouthful, yes). i need people to be nice to me just because they are. because i am. well, sometimes.


that time i had with you, i felt free, i felt i had the opportunity to be me, without pretensions, without having to think that people were thinking of somebody else, somebody i represented other than myself. you didn't judge me for all the crap i live and stand for and am about, and even if you were, i never felt like you did. thank you.

i don't even know why i think somewhere somehow i may have this connection with you, although it may just be some unilateral delusion i thought up in my head or something i just had to do because i may not retire because i'd be beating up myself just thinking about it. blame on that fucking movie Dead Poets Society because one way or the other, in our life, we just have to frigging "carpe diem" even though later in life we would be wondering "what the hell was i thinking?!" frankly, i would rather kick myself in the butt for doing all these stupid things i have been doing than wonder why i never did, or what stopped me from doing so. i may just be thinking so highly of you, when you don't deserve it, and so many people have disappointed me in the past but i'd rather not bother because sometimes all people need is just one person to believe in them and they will eventually do something great. ideally, all individuals have that potential. it is just a matter of them making use of that potential. people are abundant with potential energy.

i may be wrong about you. you can be as great as i think you are or you're not, which means, no matter how highly i think about you, you will just be an ass like everybody else is. but i'll never know unless i ask again now, will i?

so i am asking for another opportunity with you, something you are not obliged to say yes to, but something i would really appreciate if you did. i just needed to make sure you didn't feel there was a gun pointed to your head and that you had to, out of artificial respect. i also need to make sure nobody minded because i have had so many issues in the past of people accusing me of things i didn't do when i had better things to do than steal somebody's possession (seriously now, people are not objects - - you should get what i mean, man, you are smart. you just haven't figured it out yet). besides, i'm too busy to actually exert effort seducing someone. i am old enough to understand what is not and what is, so feel free to say no if you don't want to. i'd be the last person to ask you to conform because i don't want to either. just spit it out and i'd be more than happy to take crap from you. i have said more than once that i am a rejection junkie. and a doormat. don't feel like you have to, do because you want to. i can take no for an answer. i am a big girl. not in height, or weight, but you get the picture. i just want to talk. talk like there's no tomorrow. not exactly quantum physics. i never liked physics. or math. but i can talk. that's a start, right?


i probably won't remember these things the moment i get my ride home and fall asleep and wake up. maybe i would because i don't believe in accidents, just random occurrences. shit, i used a phrase that i didn't know the meaning to. how quaint and insignificantly profound. but i would remember asking you out again.

so will you?


i don't know how to end this. i should be asleep by now. as you. just wanted to make sure i let them out before they all disappear. sometimes, carpe diem sucks. 5.06pm

Thursday, June 05, 2008

measles

i have always been a sickly kid. you name it, i was hospitalized for it. ever since i can remember, i have been swamped with stories of how as a little baby, they didn't think i'd make it (see? even as an infant, they set me up for failure) given how weak my body was, being in and out of the hospital all the time.

if they knew then how incorrigible i was or going to be when i grew up (which technically never happened considering i'm an inch and a quarter short of five feet), they probably would've killed me themselves. but they gave me a chance to grow up and learn about the world and sadly, there are times, when i wish, i didn't have to. i mean, look at how screwed up the world is. had i died then, i wouldn't have these issues i have now. unfortunately, not only don't you get to choose your parents, you don't really decide whether you should live or die. i haven't been seriously sick that doctors would opt for euthanasia.

you don't need to lie. you don't answer to me. i could take no for an answer. i'm a big girl, i can handle it. you just had to say so, but you opted for the easy way out. sleazy, but then, given your supposed track record, i expected much from you. i forgot all this time that you are human too, capable of mistakes. capable of lies.

People lie.
-Gregory House

i prefer the truth though. hurts, but much better than seeing you walk out with her.