Tuesday, May 27, 2008

this is me, get used to it

i am not ashamed of myself. although with this job you have to be careful sometimes, especially in my case when there are just times when i can't help being myself. but i try to be cautious considering you're not just representing you but the higher being who hired you. sometimes it sucks because you'll never know if people genuinely like you or if they're just there and they're just nice, well, because, anak ka ng Diyos. and while we're all children of God or That Higher Being whom we all believe in, i am mostly just referring to my boss, who is the boss of everybody here in this building who works in this company.

i am so sick of trying to figure out who my friends are and who are just there for the ride. it is very tiring because i have been having that problem even before i got this job. but i love the people i am currently working with. i would like to think they love me too. even when they shut me off sometimes.

i have always been loud. i have always been a whiner. i am a bitch. i will not censor myself for anything or anyone but i will try to keep my potty mouth shut when i'm talking to my boss because he is quite conservative. i will occasionally talk about my former lesbian relationships, i will harass men and women alike; i scare them off with my strong personality. i have managed to stick my foot in my mouth but i try to think before i speak because people will judge you anyway regardless. they will most especially judge you when you make more sense than they do. and they will keep doing that because it is better to see other people's mistakes than it is to see their own. i do that too. but i will never deny what i am or what i have gone through. this may be a cliche but it's what makes you special. it is what makes you supposedly the strong better person you are today.

having said all that, this is me. i will never try to change for anyone, or anything. this is why he hired me, because i have tried my best to stay true to myself from the moment i stepped into the boardroom for my interview up to the time that we are having these Jedi lightsaber duels. i still keep feeling bad and i can't help but think that all of these people are just here because he hired me to work for him and by the time i leave him, or he ditches me, they will all be gone. because they were only there for the ride.

i suddenly remember him. i was totally myself with him. i didn't judge him and he didn't judge me and even if he probably did, he didn't make me feel like he was. unlike when i was with you, and to think i was only with him that one time. i'm not just saying these things because i like him and i would be happy at the idea that he likes me enough to be himself. but what i do know is that you were supposed to be my friends, and you made me feel bad about myself.

that is the loneliest place to be.

i won't ever try to change for you. i've said it here sooo many times. i've always been this way. i can improve but these nasty little things about me that you hate and judge are the things that make me likable so they won't go away.

just like i won't.

"i'm not going to answer that question"

it's answerable by yes or no but i wasn't born yesterday. i am inquisitive but i think they gave me this job because i can read between the lines. people have a way of giving me information i don't need even before i got this job.

infer.

so no, you don't have to answer the question.

you just did.

Friday, May 23, 2008

whenever i'm alone with you, you make me feel like i am free again

i really needed someone to talk to. i mean, it wasn't just an excuse to ask you out. i have asked other people out before and i do have someone else just in case i need to whine, vent or just have a drink. i just thought i'd ask you. why? because you're different. currently i am in a state where i don't know who to talk to because i'm not sure they will understand and the few people i can talk to are not available at the moment. i just needed someone who was as angry as i was and who was open to listening or talking and drinking and smoking at the same time. i just didn't want to talk to the usual people. because sometimes, i do need a new perspective on things and i need to hear them from new people. i don't want to be judged.

and you did not judge me. i could totally be myself with you, except maybe i didn't touch you enough. by now, you have been warned. you cannot later on complain if you are not into that whole touchy-feely thing like JL is. and i will touch you. that didn't sound so wholesome as i thought and meant it to sound. anyway, i could openly talk to you and not have to worry that my language is vulgar. you might even actually think i'm funny, and you don't even look like you have a sense of humor. you are as angry as i am. you trusted me enough to open up yourself and tell me things i wouldn't even expect you to, but you did and i'm grateful that you did. you don't have an air about you. you're fucked up, you work hard, you're good and you know it. you kind of remind me of me only i don't have a penis, i don't have six-pack abs, a lip piercing, a daughter and i won't try drugs.

i enjoyed it immensely, even if we didn't make out, or i didn't get to touch you the way i think two buckets of beer that we shared between ourselves would encourage me to. i didn't have to try to be funny, or angry or depressed just so we could supposedly have something in common. i didn't have to censor myself verbally. the best part was we didn't have to say things to each other that the other thought the other needed to hear. and you said we didn't have any idle time! i thought that was cool. i loved that about you. half the time i was worried that you were just being polite or that you just needed to get it over with so i wouldn't have to ask you again. i do hope though, that you weren't lying to me when you said that if i needed to whine or vent and i needed someone to hear me out and you had the time, that you would go with me again.

"maybe i needed the beer too . . ."

at least now i don't really have to overthink the whole idea of asking you out, because we already went out. or what to say to you next because we would never run out of things to talk about, i think. i wish. i do hope this would be the start of a great friendship.

yes, i meant that. even if eventually it might hurt because by then i'd keep thinking of what could've been if we were more than friends or if i try to tell you and think about how you'd react since you didn't react offensively when i first asked. but then i feel that way about all the men in my life. not just because she (M) ruined me for everyone else or because i have this fixation to the movie Some Kind Of Wonderful. i just know that just like every man in my life, who has become my friend, that i do fall for, and love forever (and probably even take a bullet for, if i may quote you), i will eventually get over you and start pining for someone else. unless . . .

i have an unless clause . . . always.

i will try to protect you as far as my so-called powers can protect you. i will try to be the best friend that you'd eventually want to take a bullet for. i will value this friendship the same way i had valued all the wonderful people in my life.

i will try not to fall for you. again, the operative word is "try".

Saturday, May 17, 2008

i can't believe i'm losing my touch

now i realize why i have more, "why the hell did i do that? what the hell was i thinking?" moments than i have "i should've done this" moments. it's what i live by and strangely, i'm frustrated with myself right now because i'm having that i-should've-done-this moment right now.

bels, whatever happened to carpe diem?

so TL and JL are total opposites. one is perfectly cerebral and one i have yet to find out. i can't ask JL out. i mean, i can but i can only call it a date in my mind. otherwise, it's off. besides, we've already settled that we won't even try now because it will be a total waste of time.

with this other guy, i could've found out only i was too shy to actually ask him upfront like i normally do. i can't believe myself either. not like me to be shy. like the time i asked ralph out, i wasn't shy. it took some long thinking and smoking before i could actually go up to him and ask, but i asked PERSONALLY. i don't know what makes this guy different when my feelings are the same, which tells me that this will also end in disaster.

"coffee or been(sic) wld be great..."

so why the hell am i here typing in this frigging PC and not with him???

it's not even about the waif that's been hovering around him whom i've heard is really close to him (you should see the guys i'm close to, or what my closer friends and i do) that's stopped me. although for a moment, it crossed my mind not to ask him because i don't really want to ruin any relationships. i'm sorry, i've said it here so many times, torpe ako, marunong din ako mahiya. it may not always show, but i do get nervous trying to do something.

Nathan will be so disappointed. the man's been pushing me to get a life. and i'm doing a lousy job of doing that job. i mean, i know i shouldn't be distracted since i need to study. but it will kill me when i leave knowing i wish i had done so. or when he does.

this guy is patterned to Red in a way but not really considering it's pretty unfair to compare and because i fear red might actually pale in comparison. they're similar in some ways and yet they're different from each other. for one, TL writes better. no, let me rephrase that: TL reads a lot more enough to plagiarize. whatever.

i am giving myself the opportunity to try and do something. otherwise, i will keep on being frustrated. he already said yes, it's just a matter of when. if it doesn't happen, let it be his fault, his loss and not my desistance. or i've totally lost it.

Friday, May 16, 2008

for TL

I want to have you look at me
Like no one has ever looked at me before
Like I am the only person in the world worth looking at
I want to be able to look you in the eyes and only see me there
But you see right through me
Like I wasn't there
Or that I didn't exist

I want to hold you
The way I long to hold the sun
Or wish to keep holding water at the palm of my hands
To feel you next to me
Have you there all the time
(Like some reliable brand of soap in one of those tv commercials)
But you touch me like it was just some common thing
It seems so natural to you
And all the world to me

I long for you to speak to me
Even the words that make no sense
Will make all the sense in the world
If you would just talk to me

I feel for you so much
The feeling is so painful than I can ever fathom
More painful than any song can ever describe
Or any movie can ever put to life
More than any poem written can ever express

I wish to say these words to your face
I repeat them over and over in my head
And yet I'm left with nothing
Simply nothing but tears
And the pain inside my chest

05-16-2008
Thursday
6:12am

i heart David Cook



he made it to the finals! it's a David-David face-off on the AI7 finals next week.

i have seen many rockers grace the American Idol stage but not one of them are as original as David Cook. i swear, even the guys here in the office are singing his version of Mariah Carey's Always be my Baby. and why wouldn't they? the song just got better. if anybody sang that to me, i wouldn't even think about breaking up.

the thing about David Cook is that he doesn't try to be anyone but himself and he has ways of making an old song brand new by putting his own stamp on the song. his ingenuity is a talent not too many artists in the business have and it is what will make him successful. he may not be the next American Idol, as only the votes will tell next week but he is The Idol to me.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

JL

"i'm gonna knock on your door, ring on you Bels . . "

"so ring my bell, why don't you?"


stays silent for a while then states concern.

i'm still waiting, sweetie. and i miss the song. i swear to God, i have the weirdest taste in men. i am gonna post TL's abs here one of these days so it doesn't look like i have no taste at all or that my vision is really impaired or that i have lowered my standards.

if i can't have you, JL, i might as well bastardize you. because the moment you find you actually like me, i'm already pining for someone else. so i'm making every bit as sure i'm infiltrating your subconscious.

take note: i said infiltrate, not merely penetrate. because it requires the use of tactics. you're smarter than me, i know that. but i can give you a hard time. i will terrorize you to bits.

one of the things that really got me excited about this job aside from the fact that i'll be working with one of the best bosses of the planet is that i actually get to work with him.

a lot of women admire him for his intelligence, humor, sarcasm. i liked him because of his looks. i've been checking him out in the lung center even when i was still an agent. that he's intelligent, funny and sarcastic is a bonus. imagine how elated i was when i walked into the boardroom for my first staff meeting and Nathan introduced me to his people. there he was! the guy with the thinning hair out in the lung center. he reminds me of Francis Reyes, my guitar god. now, whenever i see Kiko, he reminds me of JL.

the man is either gay or has really high standards (ang kapal pa talaga na magtaas ng standards, di ba?) that's why he's single. i mean, i don't have a problem with gayness (is there such a word?) because as he said so himself, "everyone's a little gay anyway".

i will get sick of running after him eventually. so he doesn't think of his friends "that way" and he doesn't date people he works with. makes me adore him more.

we are always attracted to things we know we cannot have, everything and everyone we are not.
a lot of women admire him. i am not the first, i won't be the last. but i'll make sure i'm the only one he'll remember.

Thursday, May 08, 2008

renton rants

i have been searching for this for a long time. i didn't see the movie, i didn't read the book, never heard the soundtrack. but i love it. i love the way Ewan McGregor played his part. they normally play this part before the song, i just can't remember it. he was so thin.

Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family, Choose a fucking big television, Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players, and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol and dental insurance. Choose fixed-interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisure wear and matching luggage. Choose a three piece suite on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing sprit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pishing you last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked-up brats you have spawned to replace yourself. Choose your future. Choose life.

But who would I want to do a thing like that?


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i'm glad i never became a junkie. it's one of those things i'm glad i never tried. i drink occasionally, i smoke, i fool around. i'm glad i'm not that sad. i may whine a lot, i may vent like there's no tomorrow, i cut my wrists every so now and then, but i'm contented enough not to try the shit.

i probably shouldn't be saying these things. i never saw the movie, never read the book or heard the soundtrack. no basis for saying this except for my direct interaction with people who've tried the shit and wasted away.

i'm glad that i haven't wasted away. not yet.

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

we're just quiet right now but we're still here

eric recently posted this video of troma in youtube.com which means that we're just laying low but we're not really off the radar.

i'm actually just waiting for this local station to air the episode where troma was featured. we're still in circulation, we're still here, the boys still rehearse, we're just in a brief hiatus. the band needs to save money so we can record again. and then there's the part where it's hard to sked any gigs because we all work at night. really. so now i'm just pimping cds, getting their music to as many people as possible until we can do gigs again.

i really love these boys, they've become like family to me. dysfunctional, but it is family. and we're a growing family (hint, hint), as many people start to appreciate their music. i wish i could say more. i still believe that this is the year for us. once the band gets out of hibernation, we will create havoc in the scene again. and it will be a blast.