Wednesday, April 30, 2008

i don't have all the fucking answers

a lot of people are complaining about their pay. and the fucking medical insurance. and the guards. and everything.

while my boss is the senior vice president for operations and i'm his assistant (i resent the term secretary), and i may have access to some information, get this: I DON'T HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS. even if he feels for all of you, and so do i, i can't solve your problems. he can't solve your problems. he wishes he can do something about it but he also reports to a higher power. ergo: he gets shit from his boss too.

do people wake you in your sleep? are you always on call? do people ask you about shit and they expect you to know all the answers?

NO.

so why the fuck are you complaining? you're not doing a lot of shit and still get paid as a frigging agent. akala niyo ba me papel to? wala! puro kayo reklamo. masaya kayo kasi yan lang ang trabaho niyo. punyeta. mababa rin kaya sahod ko. hello?! binubugbog ba kayo ng tatay niyo? me stalker ba kayo? me mystery texter ba kayo na minumura kayo parati? wala.

don't talk to me about anger. anger is my fucking middle name.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

ranting whining venting mad

i feel the need to rant. i'm having palpitations as we speak, not because i am worry-free, but because i am stressed out to the point of numbness.

true, when you struggle or strive for something better than what you have now, you feel a sense of achievement. at least you have something to live for. my head is aching, my hands shaking and it ain't like that rick astley song just because he/she's dancing with someone else. it's because there is no he/she. there are worse scenarios, i know. i just keep on getting stomped by this one.

there's the band, there's work, there's reviewing for the fucking bar exams when everybody knows they disappear anyway after they become topnotchers, there's the balding dad, there's the evil queen when the boss is not looking. so many things to preoccupy me and yet, when that frigging ass passes by, my IQ is reduced to a negative value.

but that's not the main reason i'm so fucked up. no, i'm not complaining just because of the absence of a love life. it's always been this way for too long, like a long frigging exam that has no beginning and no ending.

i went over to the office chapel. i figured if i needed some clarity, that was the place to find it, that was the place that could offer a semblance of relief. it's not easy talking to a statue of a man who was crucified and not have him answer back. wait, that was just ranting. if the statue did talk back, i would have been so scared out of my wits. but i am depressed to the point where i can say that no amount of medication can cure it and if i were to have therapy, it would take me ages before i figure out the cause and how i'd snap out of it. there are certain issues that can never be resolved despite the presence of self-help books and support groups. no light at the end of the tunnel. no flint, no rubbing of stones against each other to create fire to have some light.

i feel like this neverending anger, this sadness, will never go away. love life or otherwise, i need something to make me feel like this is all worthwhile.

is this a test? when does it end? it appears more gruelling than the 8-hour exam i have taken (and will be taking) all those four sundays of september.

is it punishment? i have my faith and if textbook theology serves me right, The One God that the most of us believe in is a merciful and forgiving God. surely, i have done enough penance.

there must be an explanation to all this. i need to get it. i need to understand why this is happening. why am i so sad? why am i still so constantly angry? i have to figure it out somehow, otherwise, i will always be sad, angry.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

i will never be good enough so i won't even try

i remember before i had this crush on a co-worker. it wasn't obsession; i still had full control of my mental faculties and even if i had stalker tendencies, i didn't consider it destructive. like i said, i still was very much sane. it didn't feel like i was going to die without him. besides, how can you kill someone who's already dead?

the feeling that i have now for this co-worker is much similar to that, except for the stalking part. but i know myself enough to know that like all other beings i have come to know and appreciate, the feeling for him is fleeting unless i actually get to know him and understand the workings of his mind. then we become friends and it ends there. so the feeling becomes no more than potential energy.

it's not worth it. i can try but something inside me tells me i shouldn't even begin to, because it may all be in vain. you will just go on living your life and you'll come and go and it won't ever mean a thing because you won't even notice that i exist. i will be left with all of the things i should've said had i not been too proud or scared to take the risk of saying three little words that won't even mean a thing to the object they are directed to. i've heard it all before. it has happened more than enough times to make me wasted and despondent. it just brings me back to being cold and unfeeling and empty.

i feel numb already and i haven't tried to fight the battle. even if you show me signs that you might learn to appreciate me the way i do you, it will never come to that. we will be friends, it is not hard. i've never had trouble making friends. it's keeping the feeling locked inside for the friend that i have difficulty with. especially when the friend is perfect. you and i will be friends, and you're already perfect. so do the math because i hate it.

i feel like a voyeur when i look at you too, and more. i find myself quoting myself (because the feeling is the same, you just happen to be way too perfect unlike the last guy):

too many people want you. they all want a piece of you. all i want is just, hell, i don't even know what i want from you. probably an opportunity. to talk. to walk. to listen to music or watch a movie. to do something relevant other than the things we do together now. that's it. that's what i want to do if i get the chance to actually be with you. just you. to touch you. hug you. kiss you. love you.

yes, that's how i feel for you. the same way i felt for him and red and boom and johno and jade and link and all the other men (and women) in my life to whom i've felt connected to but didn't try because it was seriously a precious waste of time and energy to try to convert all that glorious potential energy to movement. a friendship would be ruined, budding or otherwise already flourishing; it's not fucking worth it.

i won't even try to change. like i have said, i've heard it all before, it has happened too many times that i already know how damned it is before it even actually happens. i will never be fucking good enough, there will always be some flaw that will keep you from me and i will be destroyed again and again and again and frankly, i'm too tired to rationalize all these ideas in my head. and do you have any idea what's in my head right now?

it's you, you fucking idiot, all you.

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...
-Damien Rice, The Blower's Daughter

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

i'll be the stalker, you'll be the stalkee TAKE 3

first, there was ethan garcia, then there was arnel, now there's this guy from this program at work.

i know his sked, i know where he sits. i even know what time he goes to the bathroom. certain human beings are creatures of habit, and apparently, he is no exception. the good thing about him, unlike my previous subjects (or shall we say, "prey"?) is that he actually smiles at me. he says hi to me and he even looks at me and waits for me to wave at him or smile back.

so who's the stalker now?

he reminds me of our bassist Paul but i don't like him just because of Paul. i've been eyeing him since my EOP angry girl journal days. i may even still have the scratch paper, or the record at least, that i caught him speaking in tagalog.

he's nice and i can see in him the eagerness to make friends. my only fear is that, like all these people i pine over, he only wants to be friends. like it has ever stopped me. it's the urge to follow that silly sad pattern. i would hate it if we turn out to be real nice friends. because by then, he'd just be red, or boom, or johno, or jade (or link too, minus the benefits), or any of the other men in my life who are so great at being friends with me we (or just them, because i'm stubborn) opted to be just that. we'd hate to ruin whatever it is that we have, assuming we have something special enough not to ruin.

that's why i stay up late (this is way past my shift) and walk around and shit just to make sure it's not obvious i know that he does come out or come in or have a break those times.

he's not just a pretty face which is why i think he'd be great for intellectual intercourse. the man is deep. shit. and here i was, hoping he wasn't so he'd be easier to forget. after reading him and his blogs (which i hope were not just plagiarisms - i have yet to investigate more thoroughly), the more i want to stalk, err, get to know him.

the art of stalking, i think, as they say, is to make it appear that they're the ones stalking you.

wonderful.

Friday, April 04, 2008

kelangan ba talaga ang bangs tumatama sa mata? (do the bangs really need to hit your eyes?)

never try to stay awake for 16 hours and expect to be a happy camper.

so i'm in the Ayala MRT station, on my way home and there's this girl who looks confused and you don't know whether she's going to board the train or on her way out of the station. then she asks me, "where's the exit?" and like i said, since she's in the middle, you wouldn't really know which exit you're going to direct her to so my immediate question was, "where are you going?". she responds to me by saying "i need to go to makati and i'll probably just take a cab." but she's already in makati, and while i don't like stating the obvious, i thought she should know that. i told her where the exit was.

that's it, take a cab. stay sheltered for life. i don't need this shit at 8am, especially when i've been up since 3pm the previous day. of course she doesn't know that but people who look like they're booksmarts should try to get out in the sun, even for just a little while. get some sunlight in that skin.

ask no stupid question and you get no sarcastic answer.

***
three IS a crowd.

on my way to the office, there was this girl who was wearing a dress over her pants and blouse so it kinda looked like an apron(as if it wasn't warm enough) and she was with her boyfriend. i know it was her boyfriend because they were holding hands. but then they had a guy friend, take note, not gay friend, guy friend, with them and she was talking to him more than she was to her boyfriend. i sat in front of all of them in the MRT and i felt uncomfortable for the guy, the boyfriend, i mean.

***

lilipad na ako, sabayan mo ako 
ang sarap dito sa pupuntahan ko

quite a poppy tune. Project 1 is made up of the some of the best musicians we have in the country. if they come up with a dance ditty, i'd be fine because they can do what they want. they're even using the song as a cola jingle now. vocalist for the band Raymund Marasigan says that the song aims to give back something by setting a good example for the youth. good job.

***
i have this crush from work, aside from johno (the guy who gave me the Heroes DVD), who's really cute. he's got long hair, a mouth piercing, beautiful eyes. not that i patterned him after Paul, troma bassist, he just happened to have the same look. i have been eyeing him for some time now, like my angry girl journal EOP days but i never really talked about him. i just eyed him. then i got introduced to him and we talk occasionally. he calls me, "boss" everytime i see him. it amuses me because he finds time to call me that, which is trivial when you think about it. but if you're bored as hell with your life as i am, these little things suddenly seem to matter. i'm in front of my work PC most of the time, if i'm not smoking, and looking at your PC can be really disturbing if your date for valentine's day is your PC.

 ***
 i was texting my friend rose when i was at the MRT this morning and i didn't notice the pregnant woman behind me. first chance i got, i sat down because i have been up for 16hours straight and this other pregnant woman gave me this look because her seatmate stood up to give the pregnant woman behind me a seat.

again: there were 2 pregnant women, one was already sitting down, the other stood behind me. when i sat down, the pregnant woman who was sitting down gave me this look because i didn't let the pregnant woman standing behind me to take a seat.

sorry naman. i would've given my seat had i not been texting my friend, so it's actually rose's fault (hehehe) or if not for the fact that i'm exhausted. it doesn't make me a bad person. it just makes me tired, that's all. i don't think people should judge me and give me weird looks based on that.

***
 i'm finally getting my BADUY IS THE NEW BLACK shirt. i texted ene of the ronnies to just meet me next week after i get off from work and she starts with hers because these clients just keep on coming in i don't know if i can ever set foot in a bar ever again. okay, that's it. done whining for the day. night. whatever.

 Photobucket

i just love this picture.