Saturday, March 29, 2008

doctrines i'm glad i don't live by, part one

i've had so many of these (angry girl journals) that i've lost count.

my biological dad and i don't get along. for those of you who have been with me for a long time and really know me, know i'm just waiting for a miracle, for my dad to die or for me to die, whichever comes first. of course, my apologies to all those who are dear to me, who really love their dads, but lost them to death, sickness, separation, indifference. as M would always put it, my dad and i have this love-hate relationship: he loves me, i hate him. seriously now, i love my dad too. i just can't stand him.

i mean, the man has the best of intentions for me: he fed me, brought me up, put a roof over my head, financed my schooling until the end of my law school (i am reviewing again, by the way), paid the hospital bills for all my childhood sicknesses and so on and so forth. as the old people keep on saying to their wayward kids, you may break all your bones and sell them to the highest bidder but you can never in any way possible, pay your parents back for the life they've given you. and we never will. but we never really asked to be born anyway, right? so why do they sound like they're asking us to pay them back sometimes?

anyway, i digress. my dad has the best of intentions, we just have a problem with delivery. i am familiar with hard love or cariƱo brutal or the concept of discipline. i am a product of one. i believe you should use reward and punishment sometimes, or all the time, to motivate your kid. but after all these years, i get more respect, appreciation, amour, from the people i work with. really.

one of the reasons my dad and i don't get along, aside from the part where he wants to live out all his frustrations on me, is the fact that we have very different views on so many things. it happens. you educate your child and you want him to learn to think for himself but you want them to grow up to be exactly like you. which is confusing because you don't really want your kid to commit the same mistakes you did, you don't want them to falter, you don't want them to fail. you give them these rules which you think will shape the way they live and mold them into these responsible citizens that we expect them to be based on whitney houston's greatest love of all. but then you push us to just disappoint. because we can never be alike. even if we want to be.

through the years i've learned so many things from my dad, some help, some don't and some you just wish you don't have to hear from anyone because based on your education, or the way really life goes, you're not supposed to think that way about things or of people.

so i came up with this list of things that he's taught me, which thank God, i know better not to adhere to or take seriously, because if i did, i'd be such an ass.

1. janitors and security guards, no matter how honorable, hardworking or responsible they are, no matter how they try to probably study on the side, to improve the way they live, are still, still, stupid janitors and security guards.

2. a man who does not cheat on his wife is not straight. he should fuck around just so people won't think he's gay. a woman, on the other hand, CANNOT cheat on her husband/boyfriend just to prove she's not a lesbian. sure, she's not a lesbian, she's just a whore, unless that whore has sex with him. so by then, she's not a whore. she's just, okay.

3. true love in gay and lesbian relationships do not exist. money is the only reason why you'd want to hook up with somebody of the same sex. also, gay and lesbians are abnormal people. i'm a bisexual. i count as one of those abnormal people.

4. a smart and beautiful FAT woman is not smart nor beautiful, she's just FAT. but if she has money, she's still fat. she's still not smart or beautiful, she just happens to have money.

5. a call center agent/employee who works really hard during the graveyard shift has no right to eat and sleep. i am a call center employee. ERGO, I DO NOT HAVE THE RIGHT TO EAT NOR SLEEP.

i'm going to watch over troma's practice first. more to come.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

i don't know what i'm beating but i'll hit it anyway 'til i get it right

so i was watching the Manny Pacquiao fight the other day and i felt a bit teary-eyed because i felt proud being a Filipino. then i remembered Janina San Miguel. i will admit that i have been harsh as far as she is concerned, especially when i dissed her when she choked on her interview. Manny doesn't speak english fluently, how come we never made a big deal out of it? we seem to love him anyway, regardless.

maybe because Manny gets beaten up just to give this country pride and Janina waltzes on stage on a bathing suit to answer questions from a man in a tux?

or maybe because we expect our boxers to not speak fluently but we expect our beauty queens to? this a case of a double standard?

if we laugh at her, we're thinking, chances are, the people in the other countries will laugh at her too. even if in that country, they don't speak good english as well.

i read from someone's blog that he was disappointed because in order to make a music deal he had to make the songs english. i think it's shit too.

i work for a call center. our profits rests on the shoulders of people who speak good english. we sleep late, we're working while the rest of you are either sleeping or having fun, and later in life, we'll have psychological problems that will require psychiatric treatment but people don't seem to see us that way. they just see us as a bunch of idiots trying hard to speak in english (well, some of us anyway) and they call us "katutubo". i think that's crap so maybe if i diss someone who doesn't speak well in english, okay lang kasi kung laitin naman ako ng mga tao, ganun-ganun na lang? hindi rin justified, di ba?

there was this NU107 DJ who told me that the troma single Shrimppaste Soda will make it better than Latigo will since the former is english. this is an amboy who speaks barok tagalog (i'm sorry man, i love you, but what you said to me in the coffee shop stuck like glue in my head). i have a friend who works in call center, is as Filipino as the color brown and yet he didn't want to even listen to Latigo because, the song is in tagalog.

putangina naman.

Latigo is one of the best songs Boom Dizon has ever written. it's the anthem of most of the call center agents here in the Makati area. it speaks to me, it speaks to you, it speaks to anyone who's been left hanging in the balance, to anyone who's ever had to deal with the plague of uncertainty and had not been successful with the whole moving on and letting go. it may not be that song for you but, for somebody to tell me that they wouldn't even bother to listen to the damn song because it's written in the vernacular is unacceptable to me, especially kung pango 'yung ilong nung nagsabi nun di ba?

i don't know why i'm so pissed off. i don't even know what i'm pissed at.

siguro masama ang loob ko kasi kahit nakatapos ako ng law school pag nalaman ng mga tao na taga-call center ako, wala silang respeto sa'kin. kaya kung manlait ako ng taong di marunong mag-ingles ganun-ganun na lang. siguro masama ang loob ko kasi kahit gaano kagaling ang banda ko, mauunahan pa rin sila ng mga bandang mas western ang sound. and i don't think we should judge an American Idol contestant just because he took his clothes off. shouldn't we cheer him on (to take more clothes off?) because he's using the contest to try to get his life on track where his voice and not his body is his tool?

i don't know what i'm getting at. i just felt the need to type. i have to go back to work. magri-review pa ko. i'll probably never get to the point that i want to prove. i probably don't make sense. but venting felt good.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

God doesn't really give us everything we need like they say He would

"no, i don't feel any pressure right now . . . "

i actually thought this was going to be a good interview. i thought she had spunk. i thought wrong.

my father and I were watching the Binibining Pilipinas 2008 beauty pageant last saturday but because we were too tired, we didn't stay up to finish the show. now that it's over, i have mixed emotions that we didn't.

this girl, Janina San Miguel, is going to represent us? you've gotta be kidding me.

so she's pretty, she has a good body, but that's it. and she actually won? i'm not sure then, right now, who is more stupid, this girl or the people who allowed her the opportunity to carry our flag in a different country. she will represent all things physically beautiful about our country, but she will not reflect how smart or industrious we are. NEVER. and because we actually let her represent us, we are actually allowing our country to be the laughingstock of other countries. for crying out loud, the R.P. is, among the third world countries, third (and my statistics may not even be correct, forgive me, we may be number one, for all we know) largest English speaking country in this planet. it is our second language. it is why other countries invest in us and BPOs are such a hit with us. it is why the lot of us have employment even if for some, working in a call center is such a lowly order. age or lack of experience is not an excuse. how did she even pass first screening?

we can encourage love of the language. i am all for that. totally. inglisera lang talaga 'ko. it's just that these few instances are our opportunities to show the world that the Filipino is capable of so many things remarkable. i get better answers from four-year olds.

i do believe in the balance of nature. that's why if you're rich and successful, you feel empty and unloved; why even if you have someone, you just happen to be physically or financially unbeautiful; why even if you have this great body and you're desirable, nobody will take you seriously because you're mentally incapable of grasping information. nothing is ever fair. which is why we have an insipid girl representing us in a pageant that encourages women of all ages to starve themselves and make themselves devoid of any knowledge because it is their concept of beauty.

"i thank you . . ."

many thanks to Julius Lopez for introducing me to this mockery of our country.

coming up roses now

i wanted to write about this as soon as the event was over but i couldn't because i was too tired. oh, and i had to wait for sharon/boom to upload the pictures (pete/irah, where are the pictures from YOUR camera?) so it would be believable.



they were described as one of the most promising underground bands in the country. they got to rub elbows with Kenyo (3/4 of the now-defunct Orange and Lemons; Macoy Fundales still remembers me nyahahahaha), Session Road (Hannah had this really nice haircut but i wasn't able to get a picture taken with her, damn!), Paramita (Boom, i know he's your cousin and all but stop bringing up Sherwin in front of Ria; Ria sweetie, you don't remember sending emails to me, now do you?), Mojofly, Blakdyak (honestly, why do people bother, i swear, andami talagang bakya dito sa Pinas. the guy doesn't even have a career anymore), Jay Durias, Nyoy Volante and Jett Pangan.

she does kinda look like eliza dushku, doesn't she?

boom, the flash isn't gonna kill your eyes, you know

Jett Pangan is actually very nice but Kiko is still my favorite The Dawn member.

my boys are actually having fun.

see? it's a real stage, no photoshop here.

bels (yeah, that's me) taking a puff, tensed as usual.

after they performed their songs, they interviewed by the hosts.

for a band that rocked the studio, they were meek as lambs. more. more practice in the Q&A portion.

jett feeling a bit sleepy now but it's not because the band is boring him.

i would bask in it if only pete, paul and i didn't have to go to work. normally, for a good job done like that, i would've celebrated. but i am proud of this band. they have proven to me that all this shit i go through sometimes, is worth it. they were the only "unknown" band in that taping. everybody else had a record deal or is doing the rounds of the bars or have an established fan base from before. troma just had their better halves and, well, me. i found it to be a proud moment, as a pimp, for them to be able to hold their own like that.

i am normally a pessimist. aside from my job, this is the only thing, i think, that keeps me sane in an insane kind of way. to be able to help these guys out, my friends, my brothers, makes me feel like i accomplished something. it's not like the band completes me or anything. but for the band to be somewhere they want to be and knowing somehow you helped put them there, makes me proud. i realize that there's nothing wrong with being optimistic. things are looking so bright, i might need to wear shades.

just like what boom, pete, eric and paul keep on saying to each other, which they are now saying to me, "kapit lang, tol"

and hold on, i will.

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

yes, it happens to me too, even though it doesn't look like it

i know i must be killing time
unwillingly mine

i have the best boss in the planet. i have been very fortunate that ever since i started working here, i've never really thought of leaving, especially now with the kind of work i'm doing. this is definitely more stressful than taking calls. but my boss is very cool, he is very openminded. i have never found anyone who believed in me the way he has. he has given me so much support, i'd have wished a thousand times over that he'd been my real dad. seriously.

so there's this guy at work who makes me feel uncomfortable with the way he looks at me and positions his way around me. it's terrible because i actually feel harassed; when normally, with me, because of my being outspoken and touchy at times, people feel harassed. but with him, i feel scared in a way. so i told my boss about it and he apologized, even if he wasn't the one who made me feel uncomfortable in the workplace. "i'm sorry because i hired him".

i don't really mean to cause my boss so much grief. i mean, in the span of seven months, working for him, i've learned a lot more about myself than i have after all these breakups and shit. no one has ever empowered me the way my boss has. this experience with this co-worker has weakened me in a way and i never knew somebody could be capable of giving me that sort of fear, other than my biological dad, and my boss assured me that if that man ever tried to pull a fast one on me again, that there would be hell. that he will do whatever it takes to make sure i never feel uncomfortable at work again.

this job is my life. apart from doing my chores at home and the band, this is what keeps me awake, this is what feeds me and my father; this is what gives me solace. it will never abandon me for someone else with bigger breasts and a flat nose, it will never tell me they're single with kid when in reality they're actually married to someone, it will never love me back. but it will keep me preoccupied when someone does abandon me for someone with bigger breasts or cheats on me by passing themselves off as single. the least i could be is comfortable with the job that i'm doing, i should be able to grow emotionally, mentally, spiritually (in some ways, i guess), psychologically and other things great ending in -ly here but it can't happen if someone imposes some sort of fear in me that may not let me do my job more efficiently.

thankfully, i did tell that man off (for the second time now, and marine or no marine, i am going to bust your groin if you wink at me and lick your lips lustfully while you're staring at me) and my boss does know about it now. i can easily escalate it to him if ever it happens again. i have a very tight support group who does hear me out when i vent when people other than my boss malign and manipulate me into doing things for them because they find it amusing to make my life miserable and they use me as a stepping stone to make it easier on their lives because i'm too nice to complain. i have my band (because dearest itay/boss/kuya, i DO have a life outside of this frigging building) who just had a gig last night (GREAT JOB, TROMA! ) and i bet they totally rocked Mayrics to pieces. i have my writing. i am not as empty as i appear to be. i am not as strong. but i'll make it. like i always have.

Saturday, March 01, 2008

another shot at having a Pinoy American Idol


they call her the little girl with the big voice. i actually think so too. i watched the whole season when camille velasco and jasmine trias were finalists and i think ramiele is better than both of them.

strangely enough, the little girl with a voice enough to be the Philippines' first American Idol, i was very much disappointed with her this week. there are sooo many wonderful songs from the 70's that she could've chosen from which could really bring her out there vocally but she chose to be upbeat because, "i didn't want them to call me "lullabye instead of Malubay". it doesn't matter anymore what they call you, girl! what matters is you and your talent and the fact that you can have this opportunity to win this. look at the bigger picture: this is not just about you, sweetie, it's about our country. it's about time we had something to watch on TV other than Jun Lozada. seriously. pardon me if i sound indifferent. i'm just so tired.


anyway, my other favorites are amanda overmeyer (she's a rocker, obviously, so i like her) and carly smithson (have you seen this woman's tattoos?) and i'm still thinking if i like any of the male finalists. dark horse though is Asia'h Epperson. i find her voice too husky and therefore might give out easily. you never know if she's nailing it or if she's trying too hard. but i give her props for good song choices even when it looks like she just ripped off amanda posing as janis joplin. but then, who am i to talk? i don't even sing well.

let's just wait and see who wins. i just hope there are enough Filipinos in the US to let Ramiele get a shot at the top.