Wednesday, January 30, 2008

writing in cursive again

i need to write again. not really writing per se - i still blog. writing like this, you know, practising my cursives. i need my hand to coordinate with my brain - to have it working as fast as if i want to pass the bar. or at least try to make it look like i'm trying to pass the bar.

don't get me wrong. it's not that i don't want to pass the bar. i want to. i didn't waste all those years of studying with only a minimal amount of knowledge, having a girlfriend and singing for a band tied up to my resume. it needs the all-important "ATTY." to your name. it gives a sense of pride and we all know that ALL lawyers who have put up with all those recitations and gruelling hours of studying will not be satisfied or would not have been satisfied if it just said, "LLB" after their name. ALL law students want to have that and even i, who didn't have dreams of wanting to become a lawyer to begin with, want that.

i have said it before: i love the law. i have learned to love it. i gave in to its call of wanting to defend people's rights and changing the so-called status quo and not just feeling obliged to because someone who couldn't afford it at the time decided they wanted to live out their frustrations through me. the law is beautiful. if people were only more aware of their rights and respected the law as much as i know i do, the world would be a better place.

i work in a different industry now which is so far-off from what i have studied for. it makes you want to slack. the only things the legal profession and the call center industry have in common are the late hours, of reading, and studying, the smoking, the speaking in English. it wasn't a pretty hard transition: i speak English fluently, i know how to argue my way out of a situation, i smoke and drink and mingle with people, i stay up late and cope with stress. i can be a call center agent.

i've learned that i can't always put my life in suspended animation while waiting for the bar examination results. that is why i work - to keep my mind off the stress, or in legal speak (which pretty much can apply to anything stressful), when filing a case for damages, sleepless nights and restless days. when you're preoccupied with something else, at least, you forget all the dreadful stuff, like flunking the bar.

when i was still a law student, i thought most call center agents were braindead until i became one. i suddenly understood why they became that way, if they were indeed braindead. you take calls, talking to people who are stupid and to make yourself understood you had to descend to their level. realize though, that even if i had this impression on call center agents, i didn't think much of law students either. these people are a bunch of pompous arrogant asses who think they're better than everyone else because studying the law is so difficult and it's even much more difficult to become a lawyer.

what sucks is i still want to become part of that elite group of pompous asses. but only because i studied all those years and it would be such a waste if i didn't.

i hate to stop working now in order to focus on the bar because i am in a position that could provide better opportunities for me. it's great with networking which, if i do become a lawyer, will provide more doors. besides, the title itself rocks, even if in actuality, i'm just a glorified secretary. i mean, i'm technically the big boss's right hand; i'm the executive assistant to the senior vice-president for operations. where and what would he be without me?

the man is right-handed. can you imagine him walking around doing business losing one of his limbs?

Friday, January 25, 2008

i can't wait to just drop out of commission

i'm so tired but i can't sleep
standing on the edge of something much too deep
it's funny how we feel so much but cannot say a word
we are screaming inside
but can't be heard
- I Will Remember You, Sarah McLachlan

i haven't been able to blog for the the longest time because i've been so busy with work i don't remember if i've slept these past few weeks at all. it flies by so fast the moment i lie down to sleep i have to wake up again. i don't even know when my cheeks start and where the eyebags end.

sobrang miss na miss na miss ko na ang aking kama
at ang malamig kong unan
ba't di ka na lang sumama
sasayaw tayo at kakanta
- Kama Supra, The Eraserheads

the clients just don't stop coming. it's great because that would mean business for our company. but when the clients come in, my boss freaks out. when the boss freaks out, i freak out. i lose more sleep, i get more cranky than usual. wait, cranky, bitchy bels, that's a given. the only thing good about this is that i see less of my Dad. i'll take anything that keeps me further and farther away from my biological father. away is better. the home errands just pile up some more, that's all. i only average about 2-3 hours of sleep a day. it's not that my boss is a frigging slavedriver. i just have loads of things to do. and so little time.

the body will give out eventually, i know. maybe deep inside of me, i want to be exhausted to the point of numbness. it keeps you out of the real problems like loneliness, helplessness - you know, that feeling that you'll die and nobody will care enough to notice that you simply faded away.

because this love is a killer
i wanna put out your fire
- Firewoman, Hungry Young Poets

i'm just so tired i'm not making sense anymore. it's a big surprise that i'm still sane enough or awake enough to remember this password.

the fatigue i can deal with. the stress i can handle. you have to be really really patient. or strong to survive the loneliness.

i think i can do that.

i can totally do that.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

when they stopped fighting the vampires and went out in the daylight, they looked old

i'm glad they're back on tv. you have to move on some time to do other things. they traded away the leather jackets, t-shirts and jeans for a suit and they start looking old.

so we know that after Angel, David Boreanaz becomes FBI agent Seely Booth in this wonderful series Bones. and we love the chemistry and the whole are-they-going-to-date or are-they-just-gonna-stay-friends take on the friendship between David's character and Dr. Brennan. but seeing him out in the sunlight makes him look old. he's gotten old. vampires should definitely stay away from sunlight.

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i'm glad personally that after a long hiatus (Vincent has been into mostly indie films and theater), we finally see him in mainstream tv, but in a 1960s period piece? he still has the arrogant devil-may-care attitude as Pete Campbell in the series Mad Men, and he looks hot wearing a coat and tie, we just didn't think he'd mature after banging Cordelia.

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see the difference? they look older, still hot, but older.

gentlemen, contact Josh Whedon.

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

i think i missed half of my life then

troma had a gig tonight at mayrics with this new band headed by Franco Reyes.

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it's supposed to be a hot band because, as Anggulo described them at their webpage, it is spearheaded by Cebu-bred giant Franco Reyes who came back from the US, with 8 of Queso on guitars, fellow Cebuanos Gabby and Janjan of Urbandub for guitars and drums respectively and Buwi of Parokya ni Edgar on bass.

and you want to know what the fun thing about this gig was? I WASN'T THERE! i was here working.

but that's okay. at least i know the boys had fun. pretty apparent from these pictures. there's always next time.

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hawig ba kame?!

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hindi sila masaya

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hindi masyado

anyway, for as long as the guys get the exposure they deserve and they get to enjoy doing what they do best which is play great music, i'm all for it.

Saturday, January 05, 2008

deep deep deeper: i'm not sure if i found him yet

i can't believe that i wrote this before. it just occurred to me that i did. i didn't know i was on a search. well, i wrote it, i just can't recall if i've already found him yet. now that i'm looking back on this post and what happened when i met red, i, well, yeah.

i met with my friend red today. i actually thought he wouldn't show up since we said 2am. he showed up a few minutes before 5am. pretty neat, huh?

the great thing about red is his ability to cheer me up, either by his innocence, his intellectual prowess or his being silly. i was feeling really down the other day and i'm very thankful i was nowhere near a pc at the time, otherwise, it would've been really really really angry. i really thought he'd stood me up. but he came. sometimes, it's not a matter of them being gone from your life for a while. it's their ability to show up when you need them to be there.

as usual, we talked and caught up on the goings-on in our lives. it allowed me to breathe, the same way he had allowed me to breathe before, the way he'd cheered me up the last time we were together. it was fun. i had fun. sharing each other's insight about life, love, family, career, sex, etc. i like it, i enjoyed it immensely. i realize, this is why i love him so much, because he totally gets me.


i don't just feel this with red; i feel this with boom, with ace, and all my other male friends. sometimes, you see, you think a romantic relationship with a man/woman will make you happy. i don't have a romantic relationship with anybody right now, but i have a strong bond with the people i do have around me and that's what matters. i may not find the right him/her for those other things that will probably make life more meaningful but this will do for now.

Thursday, January 03, 2008

yes, yes, i will try to be optimistic

when i look back, i would say that 2007 started out okay and then pffft.

i had a boyfriend and then he cheated on me and then he wouldn't want to break up and then he suddenly disappeared and then he resurfaced in my office building. with his new girlfriend. of his many girlfriends. it didn't really make me give up on my faith on people. it sorta diminished but not totally lost.

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i picked this picture because he looks smart and gay here at the same time nyahahahaha

i applied for a promotion and i got rejected four times. then i applied for this other job working as this big hotshot's assistant. now i'm working for one of the best bosses in the planet. the title rocks too.

i met this really great band and they became my friends, my brothers, my whores. traumaligno unknowingly saved me and my faith in the human specie not just because their music became therapy. their music seemed to speak the words i couldn't get off my chest. oh yeah, the music's great too.

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yes, yes, francis brew reyes loves me . . . to bits

i met russ davis and i had this humongous crush on russ davis at the time. that was cool. at the time. now . . . ask me again when i'm in a better mood. don't get me wrong, he's nice. but i can talk more extensively about him when i'm in a better mood.

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taken from russdavis.multiply.com fabulous, fabulous. now, imagine him blonde.

i rediscovered the wonders of cable tv: House, NUMB3RS, Heroes, CSI, Without A Trace, Criminal Minds and even those reality-daw shows.

i have earned new friends. i was going to say something sensible, i'm just waiting for it to come to me.

a few nights ago, i saw the pilot episode for Ally McBeal and then i remembered that M called me Dharma McBeal. Dharma, not because i have the attention span of a 4-year old, but because she thought at the time that i was a free spirit that could not be held on to for long. yes, she was referring to Jenna Elfman's character from the show Dharma and Greg and also because at the time, we were like Dharma and Greg. she was supposed to be Greg, of course. those were happy times. McBeal, because like Ally McBeal, i have this tendency to make my life miserable. no, not masochist miserable, more like doormat-rejection junkie miserable.

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i have said this here so many times: i love the chase. i love the idea of pining for someone whom i know will never love me back. it's in my naycha. it's basic human nature to always want something unachievable.

so we go back to this Ally McBeal episode i said i saw. she said something like, if she always had what she wanted, if she were always content, then what?

i totally agree. if you always had what you want, if you were always happy, then you wouldn't really want to strive for anything better. ergo, you have to be miserable to always want to pursue happiness. otherwise, there wouldn't be anything left. it's pathetic but i unconsciously live for it.

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this is what i hate about procrastination: after a long lull, i keep thinking that the next thing i'm going to write will be crap. now that i've written it, i don't have to think that way because i'm sure somebody else will say that to me.

i don't lose hope. i don't lose faith. faith in people. hope that i will find love. faith in myself. hope that things will get better even when the shit hits the fan.

it's not me to be optimistic but i will try. the operative word being try.

oh, what do you know? 2008 is a leap year. and so? i'll try to jump for joy. or something.